Your heart will soar on wings.

Whew, I think I seriously just needed some church and friends time. I feel like, loads better and happier and just more at peace with everything.

I can't have it all the time, socializing and what not, but I need to really enjoy the quality time I do have of it. That's the whole key! I can't sit around complaining about life being so unfair cause I can't see my friends all the time; at this point in my life, I'm going to be busy a lot and working through school, so, I need to look at it like "I can't WAIT until I CAN see my friends again" and then just really live up the time I have and milk it for all it's worth, haha.

I also just needed communal church time, and just to be away from the atmosphere of homework and projects. Even our teachers tell us that, you can't constantly be in front of it all the time; you have to get away to be refreshed with a stronger mind to tackle it again. Which makes sense. I think we tend to try to tackle things all at once to get it done with, but it's way easier on yourself if you take it slowly and revisit it and it's something new and fresh each time you can deal with. Need. To do. Better.

But yeah, getting to go to church today and see everyone felt so, so nice. Now I can't wait 'til Cheryl's party now that THAT'S working itself out! Man! I Just need to give things to God, He's got everything figured out. I need to quit freaking out over every little thing, and learn to cope better when things go wrong. Hmm. I need to work on this too. >.o

Izumicon is coming up so soon! I have some new drawings done that I was gonna' paint in watercolor to make prints of. It's a series I'm starting, of the Studio Ghibli/Miyazaki couples. :D So far I have Kiki and Tombo and Sophie and Howl sketched out; I'm working on Sheeta and Pazu next, and then possible Chihiro and Haku and then Ponyo and her "love interest" (I haven't seen it yet, though, I rented it! :D) We'll see how that goes though, haha. Whether or not I finish them in time for Izumicon, I'm definitely finishing them to sell in the future.

All that leaves is my photography portfolio, and then cosplay. The first one can be solved if I can get MORE images and pictures taken; so, if you guys wouldn't mind, we could plan some times to get together and get some shots somewhere real quick. I was thinking Avatar, but somewhere foresty and full of nature would be more authentic, so maybe in that area behind Ethan's house or something. We could take some time from a cosplay work day or whatever, and get some shots. :3 That'd be great and extremely helpful!

And cosplay, well, we'll se how that goes. I'm HOPING to get Yuffie done in time, but I may not get Painted Lady out. Just too much work, and I want Ethan to get his cosplays done too, so I don't want to rely on him too much with too many things. So I think Painted Lady will be debuted some other time. >< But that's okay, I want to focus on the table and stuff too anyway, so I shouldn't be taking on too much myself.

Let's hope everything works out well! Just keep remembering guys that we should be praying for Izumicon too; that we can be God's light there and set an example of the Christian faith. And if things start getting stressful or we feel behind, we just need to give it to God, He's sovereign and will work things out. Let's just have fun this go around and not turn conventions into a job, but instead a fun getaway and a mission field. At least that's how I'm looking at it. :)

Thank you ladies! You are all amazing, and I love you so much. ;-; Thanks for putting up with my crazy, roller-coaster mood swings and stressful rants and bitter days. You always help me through and cheer me up! ^^

PS: Sable was thinking about in the future, a Miyazaki girl's cosplay group. Wouldn't that be fun?! :D I'd love to be Kiki, she's my fav! <3

"This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it!"
-- Psalm 118:24

Screwed over and bitter

I wish in high school and middle school they would've taught us that life is not fair. That instead of telling us "just do your best!" and that our "effort" is what counts, they'd tell us the real world expects excellent performance and execution or you're just not going to cut it. That instead of making us do pointless busy work assignments, they'd be telling us how it's going to go down in a REAL job. Instead of filling our minds that going to social events and being social in clubs is good for you, tell us that we'll be losing and sacrificing our social lives to be successful in school for our future. They need to start TRAINING those younger students for college, not just "preparing" them for it. It's ridiculous. The real world sucks, reality sucks, and college is one step closer to kicking you out the door into it, and is not the "best years of your life".

Sure, when you look back on everything, you'll only WANT to remember the good times in college. And I have had those; being on my own, Lara being my roommate, getting to go to conventions and have freedom. Among other things. But unless you just party your way through school, you'll never think college are just the "best years" ever. That's a total lie. If anything, they're the hardest freaking years of your life. I'm tired of seeing all those kids on campus that just have so much freaking free time to sit around and be drunk or play volleyball all day. That stay up all night blaring their music and having parties instead of going to sleep for class the next day. I'm SO TIRED of feeling like no matter how hard I'm trying and how much I'm working I'm barely scraping by because I may not be good enough. Freaking high school deluded me that just putting forth effort counts.

I've been turning into a sarcastic, bitter, angry person lately and I'm hating myself. I'm cursing a lot more, I'm totally not right spiritually, and I'm just apathetic to everything. I got screwed over at work and got scheduled to work the evening of Cheryl's Halloween party, though I had specifically stated that I wanted that night off, OVER A MONTH AGO. If I can't get someone to switch me or cover me, I just can't go... If I call in without a legitimate excuse, I'd totally lose my job. I'm already asking off for Izumicon and pretty much needed last weekend off for that hip-hop showcase. I'm just so... pissed and beyond hurt right now. I told my boss I could work that Saturday morning, just not the evening; but he schedules someone else instead. I FEEL LIKE SCREAMING. It's beyond just not wanting to work. It's the fact that the one social thing I've been looking forward to for a month, there's a chance I can't go because I was either ignored at work or just got royally screwed over somehow. I mean, how does that happen? Really?

I'm probably reacting how I am just because I feel so on edge about everything (related to stress, being tired, and not spiritually right at all..). I've been awful at coping lately and instead am just always angry or bitter. I've never felt so disconnected from everyone, or isolated or lonely before, but this semester has been all that and more. How can one be so busy but feel so lonely?

I'm just bitter, sad and angry. Sure this post is depressing, but I really don't care right now I needed to vent it out.

Budgeting.

Startin' to realize that lately; it is all about budgeting. No matter what it is, the best way to keep stress from happening and to keep organized is budgeting practically everything; budget your money, your time, your sleep. Budget what you think you can do when and figure out what hours you should block out for homework or socializing or just leisure time or sleep. I'm starting to fill up my iCalandar with blocks of hours that are dedicated solely for certain things; like specifically when I'm in class, when I'm sleeping, and what hours I should be setting aside for working on homework. I'm even trying to budget in leisure time and social time, but it looks like a lot of my days aren't really filled with that at all...

This all may seem drastic, however, I seriously need to recheck my life and it's priorities. I had a panic attack yesterday evening, a serious one, with how stressed I was feeling. Everything felt totally disorganized and I didn't even know where to pick up the pieces. Through some family time, and just genuine confession to God with my frustration, and prayer, I figured out that I really will be successful if I plan my time wisely. And write it down, and check it off, so it's a system and routine that I can be convicted by. I work best that way it seems like; when I'm organized and studious with my time, I get so much more done.

During homework hours, my phone will be away from me, and I'm going to mostly remain off Facebook. I'm going to try to dedicate these hours solely for homework/project work, whatever that may entail; sketching, being in the print lab, finishing projects, studying, etc... I need to focus better in school and get my butt in gear of I won't go anywhere I want to go.

I'm going to be a lot more organized with how I spend my time; for example, if we're all planning something, I'm probably going to be annoying with wanting details on time/date/place, etc, and make sure they're set in stone so I don't waste any time. I'll probably always have my sketchbook or notebook with me just in case I had to overlap homework with socializing. And sometimes I may not be able to join :/ This has been bothering me for a while, my lack of ability to be more enabled to meet up or hang out, but I honestly am trying to survive and excel in school right now, so I guess sometimes sacrifices must be made... I'm stoked for Izumicon though so I can have a full weekend of leisure and fun! Which is probably why I'm not stressing out about the table too much either, cause I don't need added stress, lol... Oy vey.

Once winter break comes around, however, I'll be soaring and will probably be gnawing at the bits to hang out and see everyone. It's truly my free, relaxed time because I only need to focus on work. So, put up with me. Haha!

Also, if I ever seem spacey or stressed or just sort of tense or on edge, do NOT take it personally; just brush it off, lol. I'm going to be like that this semester a lot; and it is never anything anybody does, it's usually 95% related back to school and my deadlines. So many deadlines... So much to do! It's sort of nice remaining busy, but it's stressful and taxing none the less if I get behind at all. So just understand it's usually always school stess, and that I'm much happier being with you guys always, even if it seems like I'm just sort of out of it. Haha!

Well, let's hope this whole budgeting time idea works.... I hate the idea of living life by a schedule, it irritates me, but if it works for me, then maybe it's something worth trying out. Just be praying for me if you could! I love you all, you are amazing :)

I need to...

- Lose more weight
- Eat healthier
- Drink lots, lots, lots more water
- Pray every night
- Cope with stress/obstacles better.
- Be more optimistic.
- Try to get consistent amounts of sleep
- Try my hardest in school
- NOT PROCRASTINATE.
- Work hard towards every goal.
- Stay off Facebook and the computer more.
- Work out consistently.

I want to look good, feel good, and stay that way. I've been so down in the dumps almost constantly lately, and it's probably linked to my somewhat unhealthy lifestyle; eating out a lot, not drinking enough water, lack of sleep, not coping with stress. I need to become more independent and strong on my own too, and feel bliss and peace in times that I'm alone instead of being sad and feeling lonely. I need to embrace quiet moments and try to keep a positive outlook that all this hard work and stress will definitely be paid off for in the end. It's like band; we put all the hardwork at the beginning and throughout the season, but the reward is soon to come at the end.

I want to lose some more weight though, to look good for Yuffie; my thighs/legs aren't necessarily that attractive for that cosplay as of now XD;; as awkward as that sounds, we're all comfortable here with one another. I also want to slim down just to feel lighter and I want to gain muscle mass. If I had time, I'd join a yoga program or pilates program in a heartbeat, but the UCO gym and budgeting workout time is the only thing I really have right now. Maybe that's something I'll look into over the summer. I know it's only a month or so away, but I think I can slim down at least a little bit more between then and now. If I really push myself. I have a lot of hip-hop this weekend for our performance, so maybe that will be a good kickstart to keep me going; not saying I'm not starting ASAP, as in tomorrow! Haha.

Well, random blog, but I felt motivated to write it and hold myself accountable in a way. Speaking of trying harder on these constant goals, I need to go get into bed so I can get some sleep. I love you all! I hope you are doing swell, and I can't wait until I can see you again :)

I love October!

The whole atmosphere and vibe of the month is just so awesome and fun. Not only does it host Halloween, but it's truly the beginning of FALL! :D Cooler weather, warm colored trees, tons of fun events, finally getting used to school, fall break, things to look forward to. The finally "hurrah" before the bitter winter. I'm so stoked!

I love having stuff to look forward to, too. Like Cheryl's Halloween party, and then at work we get to wear costumes to work from Friday - Monday of Halloween weekend! AAAHHHH! I'm so excited! I literally am asking to work everyday so I can wear costumes. XD Is that stupid? Nah, I think it'll be a blast! I want every excuse I can to wear my cosplays and be considered "normal" (though, I'd wear them anyway even if I wasn't considered normal. XD) So I was thinking of wearing my watertribe Katara, Malon, and possibly whip out a new one before then. I was thinking maybe Sally from Nightmare Before Christmas or something. :) If not, I'll just wear my customized rag-doll costume. It needs to be relatively comfortable to work in, that's the thing. XD

I also got to decorate my work last night for Halloween, we're staying decorated all month. I mainly put up webbing in certain areas to accent our products and then drew some crooked, creepy looking trees and bats on the windows. I'm planning on going back Sunday evening-ish to finish it out, but so far it looks pretty awesome. :D I'm stoked! I love being paid to decorate and paint, bahaha.

And then this evening, I'm doing a miniature Kingdom Hearts photoshoot with Ethan, Sally and Ashley on their Riku, Sora and Kairi cosplays. We're going downtown to get some urban looking shots, and then hopefully find some naturey looking shots too so we can get that Destiny Islands feel. Sadly the Myriad Gardens closes by the time we'll end up getting there, but, maybe when we do the larger KH photoshoot with Cheryl/Namine and Matthew/Roxas, we can get into Myriad Gardens. :3 It's such beautiful scenery and the perfect Destiny Islands feel, haha.

On top of that, I've ordered some stuff for my Advent Children Yuffie cosplay! So far just the wig and the shoes though (the shoes were crazy more expensive than I thought though... $65!!! @_@) BUT, they are the perfect shoes; literally knee high, khaki/tan converse. That also keeps me from having to crazy modify shoes that I don't even know how I'd go about that, lol. But it's all good, I'm glad to have found some stuff already. I'm thinking about going out today before the photoshoot too to get some more cosplay stuff so I can get started and prepare. So far, convention planning is going pretty well! I just need to keep focused and keep preparing more and more. I also budgeted some money already but I need to be careful this month with eating out and unnecessary shopping so my budget can go according to plan.

Just so excited for so many things, aah! I love fall. :)

I don't know how to be something you miss.

In one of "those moods"; a combination of hopelessly romantic, lonely, thoughtful and tired I guess.

Taylor Swift is usually the perfect remedy; her lyrics are just so perfect sometimes. I'm listening to "Last Kiss" right now, and it's such an emotional, raw song. She's so genius with displaying her feelings and emotions mainly through lyrics, and words.. her songs are so beautiful in it's their simplicity and vulnerability.

I hate relying solely on electronic communication; it's not reliable at all, AT ALL, and it makes me feel even farther away and distant from the person than not talking to them at all. Ughhh, it just sucks I guess. I've been feeling really lonely a lot lately, and I think it's just being further away from everyone and not getting to see you all as often. I guess you could say it's a mild state of depression I've been feeling. Everything gets to me a lot easier lately; I've cried a lot the past few weeks, I've felt angry and bitter, or sometimes just numb and empty.

I think it's cause I'd been far from God, and have been trying to fill that void with friends and acts and staying busy. But in my quietest solitude, I feel empty and sad and lonely. and it's because I'm not looking to God for contentment and peace, but instead, am wanting to talk to him or have him see me; I want to be surrounded with friends or talk to my parents. You all fill me up and I'm entirely blessed; however, God is the ONLY one that can TRULY fill someone up. I've been making idols of the people I love the most, and even the most beautiful, blessed things can become idols if we have them try to replace God.

I think I'm getting out of that depression finally though; and through it, I think I've grown up a lot. It's still hard, being alone a lot more often, but I need to fill my mind with God's love for me, and that while I'm sitting at my desk working on homework for hours in solitude, while everyone is asleep or with family or friends, God is sitting on my bed and laughing and talking with me. Jesus is chillin' on my ottoman and asking me about my homework and giving me advice on design classes. Seeing my Lord as not only my SAvior, but as constant company, Someone who will ALWAYS be available to talk to and be here, gives me unbelievable peace and contentment. I need to view in that mindset more.

Anywhere, there's that.

The subject of this blog sort of relates to Ethan though... and more in depth on that: I'm just feeling lonely I guess and even when I do fill myself with God and feel peace and contentment there, I still can't help but miss Ethan a lot now that we don't see each other often. He still randomly doesn't respond back to me, or really try hard to talk to me. He explained that there's a time for his work and projects and there's a time for talking to me; that "doing both don't really work well together". I guess it made sense, and I understood where he was coming from, but idk, it just left me feeling sort of empty still afterwards. Like, "Okay well... now what? :/"

It sucks cause I basically feel like I'm always missing him, but he's never missing me. I never do know how to be something he misses. I want to be something he misses. And the only way that can happen is if I allow enough space between us for him to finally look up from his projects, turn over his shoulder, and not see me there, ready and willing to talk to him. He'll talk to me first; he'll want to be with me. If I crowd him all the time, he'll want to push away for space. I'm finally sort of accepting this in a less bitter/angry way, or a less "I'm gonna' play hard to get instead" way. Now it's just simple, and blunt: he needs space. And I'm going to give it to him.

Another thing is, I don't feel like... I don't know. Like something special to him anymore. I feel like he'd be wanting to talk to me more and be with me more, even though he still wants his own space, if I was something exciting and special to him. Ethan is insanely loyal and does truly love me and care about me, I know this; but I just feel like my lack of confidence and my own outlook on life lately is turning me into someone that he doesn't necessarily admire. I want to be an inspiration to him; spiritually, mentally, emotionally. I want him to see me as mature and stable, but inspiring and exciting. Also, I don't even really think he sees me as "beautiful" at all; now, I'm not having a pity party here, this is all coming from a logical and thought out place. But really; he never really tells me he thinks I'm beautiful, just "pretty" or cute. Or I have to ask him for a compliment practically, haha, like "do you like what I'm wearing?" or "I did something different with my hair/make-up/outfit/whatever today" and that's when he'll usually give his two cents. But, there's not just that moment where he sort of sees nothing but me; sometimes I find him sort of gazing off distantly while/after we've hugged or if we're talking or something. Like I never have his full attention.

I feel like I'm rambling; but these are all just thoughts on my mind. Am I selfish for wanting this sort of attention/affection from him? I'm not asking for constant company and attention; just the times we are together, these are the sort of things I wish for. But I think it's all my lack of confidence in myself, and my loss of faith in myself... A close, wise friend told me this, and it's probably totally true. No, I'm sure it is. My lack of faith and confidence is causing me to believe everyone views me like I view myself. I'm indirectly causing Ethan to gaze off in the distance instead of stare right into my eyes, because my wavering faith and assurance in myself is equivalent to hesitance and gazing off instead of being stable and looking right into someone's eyes.

I'll get this all right one day... I'm working on it. I may seem confident a lot, but I'm afraid to say, I'm really not confident at all. Hardly ever. I think it's more sub-concious than anything; it's a combination of self-esteem, and just not believing in myself at all. Which I guess are intermingled. Who knows.

Sorry about all these emo-ish posts guys that are sounding redundant. It helps clear my mind.

Cooling off blog. :D

So I've been rather emo lately in my blog posts I've noticed. D: I'm going to post a positive blog, yay! I'm really not like sad or anything a lot guys, I guess when I get down in the dumps at all I tend to write blogs to let it out... which is sometimes the only time I write blogs, so thus, it seems like I'm always sad.

So! This blog is gonna' be a list to remind me of my blessings and then things I'm really looking forward to.

My blessings...
- My amazing friends; I seriously don't know what I'd do without a lot of you. You lift me up when I'm down, I can be myself completely around you guys. We laugh together, cry together, do everything together. I always look forward to seeing you guys, and even if college keeps us apart more often, we're always still woven together spiritually; so we'll never be apart forever. :')
- My family; I don't get to see them as often as I'd like now that I'm on campus again, but they're always supporting me and encouraging me. Though I get frustrated and complain about them time to time, I know that they're only doing what they do out of love. I'm starting to understand that more, and it's truly a blessing.
- School; yes, this is a blessing! Haha, I'm blessed to be able to go to school, to have my parents support me through school part way too. I'm blessed to be getting an education in my field of choice and go through it at my own pace. I'm blessed to be challenged daily (though it is very stressful) that will only make me better.

Of course there's so much else, but, we'll keep it there for now. :)

Things I'm excited for..!!
- PETER PAN :D <3
- Izumicon! Art tables! Working on cosplay (not in a stressful way this time XD)
- Fall weather
- FALL BREAK :D
- Fall/winter fashion
- WINTER BREAK. Haha!
- Christmas :D
- Another semester ov'ahh!
- Hip-hop battles
- Hanging out with my homies. <3

I'm just tryin' to look at things more positively now, instead of bitterly or pessimistically. It's actually a lot harder, but I used to be so much more optimistic, and that sort of got cut away at with time and stress I guess. I want to rebuild that outlook again though, because it would honestly make everything a lot easier.

Well, that's pretty much it, pffthaha. XD Take it easy guys!