All I need is the air I breathe.

I'M FREE OF THIS SEMESTER, FINALLY.

I seriously feel like it was the longest semester of my college career, haha. So much stress, anxiety, late nights or all-nighters, drama, crying, being angry, feeling numb, feeling useless, untalented, etc... I know that all sounds awful o_o but it's rather true. However, it takes semesters and times in our lives like these to really just grow and become more mature. I'm now excited to see what's ahead of me from here on out.

I'm going to be taking way less classes next semester though, so that'll be a relief. Also, the classes themselves shouldn't be nearly as demanded as Package Design and Illustration II was, yeesh. Along with two classes that required a butt load of studying and note taking, it was not a good semester. Next semester though I'll be taking Computer Graphics II (where I'll learn applications of illustrator/photoshop, etc... and some interactive media, like Flash and Dreamweaver), Inktank (which is a studio course that allows us to work with REAL clients in a professional, work place setting), and then Contemporary Moral Problems, History of Graphic Design II and a couple short courses -- History of Typography and Digital Illustration. I may or may not be enrolling in Cartooning and then auditing out of it (I've already taken it w/ an A, so I'd only be taking it for the experience and extra practice) but we'll see how that goes over; my instructor suggested me to when I talked to him about it like he had a plan in mind or something. Haha, depends on my hours though so we shall see.

But man! It feels so good to be free of stress for a little while. To only worry about work. Well, kind of... I DO have SOME design stuff to work on over the break. We're revising pieces to be entered into the Addy's, a design contest; if the teachers think we have work that's worth entering, and that they think can win, they'll enter it in for us for free. It's a really great resource and networking tool, as well as a resume and portfolio builder. With Addy's under our belts, design firms and studios in the work force will take us much more seriously. I'm stoked! I just wish it wasn't over Christmas Break. .-. Oh well, ya' win some you lose some. At least I don't have 4+ classes and working ON TOP of it, haha.

I'M GOING TO LIVE UP THIS BREAK TO MY FULLEST. Seriously. Here is a list guys. :D

- Read some books and manga!
- Finish some anime!
- DRAW DRAW DRAW LAKDJF;ADSF DRAW
- Write!
- Exercise! >:O
- Get caught up on video gamin'
- CHRISTMAS STUFF! :D
- CHURCH!! <3 :D
- FRIENDS! <3
- FAMILY!! <3
- Getting caught up on SLEEP <3
- Earnin' moneys!
- Everything else I never have time for!

Here goes! I'm so stoked. <3 And I get to see your guy's faces more! Even better!

PS: I've found a new addiction -- Pinterest. D': It's like a We Heart It, but more organized and customizable. It's super fun and addicting, I love it. Lara got me started. I'll have to invite you ladies if you're interested! <3

The past couple of days have been so rough. Probably the worst of the semester. I don't think I've ever cried that hard ever, or at least haven't in a while. My eyes feel swollen and my chest hurts and my whole body and spirit is so tired and just wants to give up. Being lost in the unknown and the confusion is almost worse than just a final resolution of ending. I feel like I'm wandering around on eggshells; if I act a certain way, or if one little thing goes wrong, it's all for not.. everything is shattered, and I've lost everything.

I literally felt punched in the gut. Why does this always end up happening to me? Your words are ringing in my head, unwanted but completely uncontrolled. I miss your warmth, I miss the days where we were so happy together. Where I saw that love in your eyes. The confusion you face with your feelings toward me is agonizing. Painful. Unbelievably painful. I thought you were the one; I saw us together, we've talked about us together time and time again... what happened? What did I do? What did I not do?

My feelings have not faded at all. If yours diminish and go away and you move on... I'll be entirely devastated. I honestly can't see myself with anyone else. Am I not meant for anyone, then? You were all I wanted all along. Just you, as you are.

I'm numb, I'm heartbroken, I'm terrified of what's to come. I'm terrified I'm too late, that you're long gone to me. That you wanted to be gone long ago. I honestly do not know what to do anymore but lean on God and just rest my spirit and heart in Him. Whatever happens, I know He will strengthen me up again. And if I'm not meant for anyone, God will slowly reshape my heart and mind and send me on my new path. It's so, so hard to say that though without tear-stinging eyes or a clenched jaw. This is not what I want; but if it's what God wants, that is all that I can do.

Like sunlight, won’t you come and lay a ray down? You’re the one.
I could run, I could run for the life of me.
But where would that get me? Where would that lead?
And I’m a fool for waiting so long

Gonna' light up your life.

Just you wait, you'll miss me.
Just you wait, you'll finally see
what it is you've had all this time
what it is you now have to fight for.

Like a sparkler, like a firecracker in the sky
I'm gonna' light up your life
shine right in front of your eyes;
and this time you'll want to chase me,
instead of leaving me behind.

I'm gonna' light up your life, baby
and hopefully you won't be left blind.

I want to help you.

I wish I could help you feel motivated, or that I could inspire you or guide you. I desire to be your muse or to lift your spirits, or guide your mindset even just a nudge. I want God to talk through me to you, I just want to feel like I'm helping you somehow, because I desire for your happiness so much. But I just feel like I can't be there for you enough or help you enough. I just feel either closed off from you, or that I don't know what to do anymore.

I'm sorry, I'm going to try harder..

Right now in my own personal life, I feel like curling up and dozing off like a cat in the sun. I want to get lost in a book or get lost capturing moments in time with just me, my camera and my thoughts. I want to spin around slowly and fall down and just soak in the Earth, the sky, the fresh air, no matter how cold and crisp it is. I want to close my eyes with no worries about tomorrow or pressures of deadlines bursting in my mind. I want to be sunken into a warm river of the purest water that will swallow me and let me drift in dreams, where the water carries me gently and sings me to sleep. I want to feel warm when I hold his hand or when I'm held in his arms without the anxiety of other stress keeping me from soaking all that warmth in. I want to be surrounded by no one else but my family and friends, the ones I love, my dogs, a fireplace, crisp air and God's presence.

A change in passions..

I'm starting to wonder if my passion for a career is really in graphic design or not.

I mean, I do love it, but at the same time, I'm discovering a passion I love even more -- photography. It's such a free-feeling, magical art. You can travel to different sites, you capture all sorts of beauty.. I'm just an amateur, but I feel the most inspired by photography. Lol, I blame Adella's "The Zelda Project" where they are doing this massive scale of Zelda cosplay/photography where the characters have just LITERALLY come to life... they're so stunning, nearly perfected, in this world and setting that seems so surreal, but is so real, and out there somewhere... Such stunning beauty, I was in awe of the mastery of their craft, but also, at the mastery of the photographer.

Luckily, graphic design and photography can go hand in hand, so it's not like I'm "wasting" my time right now -- design is a very, very good trade to learn, and it'll definitely get me a good career. But I am seriously going to study photographer even more seriously, so one day I can be as amazing as a photographer as high end fashion photographers, or Indigo (the one that shot the Zelda pictures below from The Zelda Project). I'm starting to see a whole 'nother world that excites me; cosplay/costume photography, fashion photography and design, etc...

What's nice about being young is that you can make changes in your life decisions, but at the same time, I can't just keep straying too far. Lol, luckily enough, graphic design/photography and pretty much anything else I'm seriously considering as career options, are all relatively close to one another anyway, and definitely strengthen each other. Maybe I'll just be a designing, photographing, illustrating MACHINE when I get out in the work force one day. That'd be great! XD

But seriously, LOOK at these pictures, OH MY WORD. They're so... beautiful. *___*

Who run the world?

Finally, I have an evening to myself where I can just chill and relax. It's probably my only night of the week I just have to do nothing if I want to, so I'm going to do just that. I probably still need to work on homework, but I don't have to rush around places or go to the design lab or here or there, or work, so I'm very happy. I got to take like a three hour nap so that's helping significantly.

Soooo, basically I'm learning from all this Ethan/boys at the con drama to not push at Ethan anymore; being too persistent or clingy or annoying. REALLY backing off and letting him indulge in his creativity and inspiration like he wants to. It's weird, I've felt like this in the past, feeling too clingy, but this whole situation sort of put things in perspective for the final time I guess. I'm feeling a lot more used to stepping away now and not really being all over him, and I guess his weekend was sort of the final test of that. I sort of failed by being whiney and clingy again and crying, but now I'm just like "whatever!" He was talking to me earlier about how creative and inspired he was feeling for working on projects and crafts again that he really wants to now that commissions and convention stuff is done, and it was really nice to see that. I guess it does really make him happy and I'm sort of stunting him from that happiness. So I'm going to give that to him more, and bother him less. He'll do his own thing, I'll do mine.

BUT LADIES! Looks like it'll be all about the gals in our groups from now on, to ourselves. HECK YES! I'm sort of in a girl power mood right now, and I think it's the excitement about all our girl group stuff coming up.

So, Vocaloid and Sailor Moon will be super fun and awesome, and AKON is going to be freaking amazing :D The more I think about it just being the girls, the more excited I am -- NO BOY DRAMA, LADIES! Just our awesome, good-lookin' selves in our lady power cosplay, lol. It'll be a nice relief to have some girl time. I think I'm constantly focusing on "me and Ethan" and making him happy and focusing on him and our problems that I'm forgetting about hanging out with my gals and indulging in my own time -- my girl time. I love you all and miss you terribly already! D: But! We will all hang out soon and need to keep hanging out regularly cause Izumicon was just too fun :P <3

I LOVE YOU! This next month and next year is gonna' be so freaking fun! :D

Freaking Beyonce's song rocks -- guess what I'll be listening to all week? Haha!

"WHO RUN THE WORLD? GIRLS!"

Keep fighting.

"When you find the one... you don't give up."