I don't know how to be something you miss.

In one of "those moods"; a combination of hopelessly romantic, lonely, thoughtful and tired I guess.

Taylor Swift is usually the perfect remedy; her lyrics are just so perfect sometimes. I'm listening to "Last Kiss" right now, and it's such an emotional, raw song. She's so genius with displaying her feelings and emotions mainly through lyrics, and words.. her songs are so beautiful in it's their simplicity and vulnerability.

I hate relying solely on electronic communication; it's not reliable at all, AT ALL, and it makes me feel even farther away and distant from the person than not talking to them at all. Ughhh, it just sucks I guess. I've been feeling really lonely a lot lately, and I think it's just being further away from everyone and not getting to see you all as often. I guess you could say it's a mild state of depression I've been feeling. Everything gets to me a lot easier lately; I've cried a lot the past few weeks, I've felt angry and bitter, or sometimes just numb and empty.

I think it's cause I'd been far from God, and have been trying to fill that void with friends and acts and staying busy. But in my quietest solitude, I feel empty and sad and lonely. and it's because I'm not looking to God for contentment and peace, but instead, am wanting to talk to him or have him see me; I want to be surrounded with friends or talk to my parents. You all fill me up and I'm entirely blessed; however, God is the ONLY one that can TRULY fill someone up. I've been making idols of the people I love the most, and even the most beautiful, blessed things can become idols if we have them try to replace God.

I think I'm getting out of that depression finally though; and through it, I think I've grown up a lot. It's still hard, being alone a lot more often, but I need to fill my mind with God's love for me, and that while I'm sitting at my desk working on homework for hours in solitude, while everyone is asleep or with family or friends, God is sitting on my bed and laughing and talking with me. Jesus is chillin' on my ottoman and asking me about my homework and giving me advice on design classes. Seeing my Lord as not only my SAvior, but as constant company, Someone who will ALWAYS be available to talk to and be here, gives me unbelievable peace and contentment. I need to view in that mindset more.

Anywhere, there's that.

The subject of this blog sort of relates to Ethan though... and more in depth on that: I'm just feeling lonely I guess and even when I do fill myself with God and feel peace and contentment there, I still can't help but miss Ethan a lot now that we don't see each other often. He still randomly doesn't respond back to me, or really try hard to talk to me. He explained that there's a time for his work and projects and there's a time for talking to me; that "doing both don't really work well together". I guess it made sense, and I understood where he was coming from, but idk, it just left me feeling sort of empty still afterwards. Like, "Okay well... now what? :/"

It sucks cause I basically feel like I'm always missing him, but he's never missing me. I never do know how to be something he misses. I want to be something he misses. And the only way that can happen is if I allow enough space between us for him to finally look up from his projects, turn over his shoulder, and not see me there, ready and willing to talk to him. He'll talk to me first; he'll want to be with me. If I crowd him all the time, he'll want to push away for space. I'm finally sort of accepting this in a less bitter/angry way, or a less "I'm gonna' play hard to get instead" way. Now it's just simple, and blunt: he needs space. And I'm going to give it to him.

Another thing is, I don't feel like... I don't know. Like something special to him anymore. I feel like he'd be wanting to talk to me more and be with me more, even though he still wants his own space, if I was something exciting and special to him. Ethan is insanely loyal and does truly love me and care about me, I know this; but I just feel like my lack of confidence and my own outlook on life lately is turning me into someone that he doesn't necessarily admire. I want to be an inspiration to him; spiritually, mentally, emotionally. I want him to see me as mature and stable, but inspiring and exciting. Also, I don't even really think he sees me as "beautiful" at all; now, I'm not having a pity party here, this is all coming from a logical and thought out place. But really; he never really tells me he thinks I'm beautiful, just "pretty" or cute. Or I have to ask him for a compliment practically, haha, like "do you like what I'm wearing?" or "I did something different with my hair/make-up/outfit/whatever today" and that's when he'll usually give his two cents. But, there's not just that moment where he sort of sees nothing but me; sometimes I find him sort of gazing off distantly while/after we've hugged or if we're talking or something. Like I never have his full attention.

I feel like I'm rambling; but these are all just thoughts on my mind. Am I selfish for wanting this sort of attention/affection from him? I'm not asking for constant company and attention; just the times we are together, these are the sort of things I wish for. But I think it's all my lack of confidence in myself, and my loss of faith in myself... A close, wise friend told me this, and it's probably totally true. No, I'm sure it is. My lack of faith and confidence is causing me to believe everyone views me like I view myself. I'm indirectly causing Ethan to gaze off in the distance instead of stare right into my eyes, because my wavering faith and assurance in myself is equivalent to hesitance and gazing off instead of being stable and looking right into someone's eyes.

I'll get this all right one day... I'm working on it. I may seem confident a lot, but I'm afraid to say, I'm really not confident at all. Hardly ever. I think it's more sub-concious than anything; it's a combination of self-esteem, and just not believing in myself at all. Which I guess are intermingled. Who knows.

Sorry about all these emo-ish posts guys that are sounding redundant. It helps clear my mind.

Cooling off blog. :D

So I've been rather emo lately in my blog posts I've noticed. D: I'm going to post a positive blog, yay! I'm really not like sad or anything a lot guys, I guess when I get down in the dumps at all I tend to write blogs to let it out... which is sometimes the only time I write blogs, so thus, it seems like I'm always sad.

So! This blog is gonna' be a list to remind me of my blessings and then things I'm really looking forward to.

My blessings...
- My amazing friends; I seriously don't know what I'd do without a lot of you. You lift me up when I'm down, I can be myself completely around you guys. We laugh together, cry together, do everything together. I always look forward to seeing you guys, and even if college keeps us apart more often, we're always still woven together spiritually; so we'll never be apart forever. :')
- My family; I don't get to see them as often as I'd like now that I'm on campus again, but they're always supporting me and encouraging me. Though I get frustrated and complain about them time to time, I know that they're only doing what they do out of love. I'm starting to understand that more, and it's truly a blessing.
- School; yes, this is a blessing! Haha, I'm blessed to be able to go to school, to have my parents support me through school part way too. I'm blessed to be getting an education in my field of choice and go through it at my own pace. I'm blessed to be challenged daily (though it is very stressful) that will only make me better.

Of course there's so much else, but, we'll keep it there for now. :)

Things I'm excited for..!!
- PETER PAN :D <3
- Izumicon! Art tables! Working on cosplay (not in a stressful way this time XD)
- Fall weather
- FALL BREAK :D
- Fall/winter fashion
- WINTER BREAK. Haha!
- Christmas :D
- Another semester ov'ahh!
- Hip-hop battles
- Hanging out with my homies. <3

I'm just tryin' to look at things more positively now, instead of bitterly or pessimistically. It's actually a lot harder, but I used to be so much more optimistic, and that sort of got cut away at with time and stress I guess. I want to rebuild that outlook again though, because it would honestly make everything a lot easier.

Well, that's pretty much it, pffthaha. XD Take it easy guys!

Turning tables.

So the first week of school has gone and went, and the second one is nearly over too! Man. Time is already passing by rather quickly already, so I hope it stays this way... before we know it gals, it'll be Peter Pan time! <3 And then fall and cooler weather, Izumicon and then winter break, and then who knows what else! I'm excited for some change from this nasty heat and letting go of summer finally, and embracing school and the fall.

I've been pretty good at staying on top of homework and assignments so far. I'm trying to use my time more efficiently instead of just lying around a lot or procrastinating like I always used to. There's honestly no other way; between school AND work, I don't have time to waste, or time to procrastinate. If I do, I can't possibly recover last minute or anything. Time to grow up and be responsible. :)

Me and Ethan are fine, however, I'm getting a little upset with his negligence to talk to me regularly. We can't see each other as often because of school and work, but, he doesn't even really text me, call me, or IM me much.. like yesterday, he texted me around one randomly, quoting LazyTown lyrics. I thought it was really cute and funny and I texted him back finishing the lyrics like we always tend to do; be witty or clever with our texts to one another. But then he NEVER replied back, like literally. All day. Nothing. I didn't text him or hound him or whatever to see if he'd think to text me or something but he never did... he finally texted around ten thirty saying "How is your evening going?" and I'm like "x______x" IT'S PRACTICALLY GONE NOW, THANKS. But I didn't say that, I didn't reply until I got on FB and he IMd me saying he had texted me. By then I was annoyed, bitter and tired so I was sort of short and cold towards him and got off rather briskly and passed out.

I'm trying to become less clingy and worrisome in the relationship. Last time we talked, he said how when I overreact or get over emotional/cry a lot or whatever, it tires him out. I make him tired most of the time when he's tired... Which really sort of caught me off guard and hurt a little. I understand where he's coming from: I'd be tired of me if I was constantly whining or upset or emotional like I can get when I'm tired/stressed/whatever. But, now I'm even weary to tell him anything that could burden him or stress him out... like how I feel when he doesn't talk to me/communicate with me. I'm still trying to decipher what he thinks, how's the best I should adapt to the relationship as we're working through these problems..

It's just confusing; like that song by Adelle, his tables are always turning... Last Thursday night he had surprised me at my apartment with a Sonic drink, and was really sweet... Friday and Saturday we hung out and it was so nice. He had made me this CD of songs that explained his feelings for me, or what he thought about me, and it made me cry how sweet and romantic they were. And now he's acting like this, not wanting to talk to me at all really, hardly even seeming like he's TRYING to. :( It's just frustrating I guess. I find myself sitting around and wishing or wondering when he'll act like he did "this one time" or "that one time" when he's acting like this... I dunno'. Guh, it's all stupid.

Sorry for my blogs about Ethan stuff lately... It's my easiest way of talking to you all about it since we see each other so little now ;_; I miss you ladies! We need to have a girl's day.. .and I can't wait 'til Peter Pan! <3

Love you all!

Get it right.

Sometimes, I feel exactly like that song.

I just do nothing but make things worse by being over emotional or caring too much. I just wish people could see that sometimes instead of calling me emotional or hot-headed or whatever. I want to feel, breathe, be passionate; I want to show people I care. That doesn't mean I have to be outgoing, or loud, or whatever; I do it in my own way. When I'm close to people, I want to help them; listen to them, give them advice, laugh or cry with them, be their shoulder to lean on. I want the same from them too though, but lately through self-discovery, I'm realizing there's still a lot of past baggage I need to sort through. A lot that I've gone through with relationships/trust with people has sort of scarred me in a sense.

I cling closely to people, I want to feel wanted and want to belong, want to be trusted by them because I've been left behind by so many friends, and even relationships. I've been just dropped cold, smiled at and talked to one day, and totally not talked to the next; they just walked out thinking they could ignore me entirely. My parents for a while gave me the impression you need to just bite the bullet and face it; not to cry or get upset because that's weakness that won't really help. Even though I expressed these concerns to them recently, and they never wanted me to get that impression that I couldn't be weak or cry, I grew up for a long time feeling and believing that. It's basically trying to rework my entire system and way of thinking.

Basically... I want to get it right. I want people to see how much I care but I want to stop messing things up, even little things, on my way there. This is mainly stuff with Ethan I'm talking about currently; in past relationships I was talked to, texted to, and called a lot. They each talked to me regularly, but one of them dumped me suddenly and the other one just... well, disappeared. And I didn't hear from him for a year and a half or so, and when I DID hear from him, it was a Facebook apology message about a paragraph long, and he didn't even reply to that. So now with this relationship, I feel scared or worried if Ethan doesn't reply back or talk to me; I just think he's going to leave, walk out. Though he'd never do that, EVER, it still eats at me. I can't help but desire some sort of consistent communication, even if it's little, in a relationship, or I'll feel like I'm being ignored or abandoned again. That doesn't mean CONSTANT texting, tons of phone calls, or always seeing him; it's not like I'm not trusting him, it's nothing like that. It's my own problems sort of inconveniencing both of us, which is why I'm so frustrated with myself right now.

I've been living in this sort of dream state/fantasy land of what I think the perfect relationship should be like, and those unreachable expectations are blinding me from this... amazing guy I'm with, and I'm still going around thinking he's never good enough or does this or that wrong.. Which is why, I want to finally get it right; just figure things out, and learn to deal, and learn to adapt. I want to grow, learn and change. Become a better me, for him, but most of all, for myself.

(so, the entirety of the video doesn't go with everything I'm talking about, but it still was a really good but emotional Glee video so I chose it ;_;)

Thanks for reading guys. <3

Kansas City trip :)

So, overall, our Kansas City trip was really fun. :) We didn't get to stay long enough in my opinion for all that we could've done; most of the trip felt like driving since we only stayed one full day @_@ Oh well, it was still really fun.

It was about a six hour drive there and back. We left Thursday afternoon and got there around eight PM that evening (the whole ride for me felt awful cause I had horrible car sickness). After settling into the hotel, we strolled around a little outlet/outdoor mall, sadly most of the stores were closed and we had a lot of the stores in OKC anyway. We came back, crashed at the hotel (falling asleep to a thunderstorm that sounded like it was gonna' blow through the hotel Dx) and got up for our full day Friday.

We got out early and hit up some really awesome vintage walk along shops in Kansas City (now, since there's two Kansas City's, it's hard to tell ya' which one we were in exactly; but this one was the KC in Kansas itself XD). There was one boutique with ADORABLE dresses and clothes, OH, Mattie and Cheryl I wish you could've been with me! D: However, they were vintage in the sense of "expensive vintage" and some of the dresses were $150+ D:!!! There were some ROCKING red, knee high suede boots I fell in love with, but they were too small TT.TT and then some adorable red ankle boots that were too small too, plus they were $84... D: Cute stuff, too pricey though.

The next store we went in was called Retro Vixen, and it lived up to it's name @.@. They had some cute dresses in there, but a lot of it was sort of "slutty" looking, a la, "vintage sexy" I guess. Like, weird stockings, pin up girl clothes/bras/dresses, etc... There was a super cute vintage swimsuit I loved, but yet again, too expensive. So that store failed, and we went on to the one next door.

This one was great! The stuff was a lot cheaper and there was more variety, they also had guy vintage clothes too which was really cool. As well as knickknacks and things, not just clothes, and the whole store actually felt vintage instead of just some boutique with vintage looking clothes. PLUS, the store owner had a dog, a beautiful one that had a mix of labrador in it and something else. She was super sweet though and kept my dad occupied while me and my mom looked around. XD I bought a super cute scarf there, but I wanted to save my money so I didn't get much else.

After THAT one, we went to an even better vintage store, called Boomerang. It's like goodwill, but more hip and way more retro feeling. Literally with stuff from the 40's to the 80's, it was all so cute and flashy and stylish! ;D They also had vintage toys and products, like cameras, LPS, magazines, etc... I bought two original Seventeen magazines, dated from the 1950's! It's soooo cute, I have to show you gals sometime. I also got some awesome sunglasses, and a cute red beret. I would've spent more, but we still had more shops to go to, so I held myself back, haha. The shopkeeper was really awesome (probably totally gay) but really cool none the less. When I was admiring the vintage camera they had I talked to him about how I was into photography and design and stuff, and he noticed me clutching the Seventeen magazines, and he said something like, "Ohh, fashion, photography, design you're into a great future ahead of you! When you're making oodles of money and famous, come back and sign something for me! Even if it's just this receipt!" He was so nice and encouraging about art/design it warmed my heart. <3

Our last shop of the day was a really amazing antique mall. Literally, a MALL. It was four stories high, EVERY FLOOR full of antiques, similar to the antique malls we have here, just .... MORE OF IT. The entire basement was nothing but books, like the book fair held every year, but a bit more expensive. The other floors just had a variety of displays of vintage things and antiques; I mainly bought retro Coca-Cola stuff for me and Lara's apartment kitchen since that's the theme we're going for. There was, however, a WHOLE section for just old cameras, of all kinds. I literally almost hyperventilated, they were all so beautiful ;_; Polaroids, old movie cameras and SLRs, that all still probably worked too if you could find the film for them.

I just about died, but didn't end up buying one; my dad sort of talked me out of it for now, cause he figured with school and stuff coming up I wouldn't have time to mess with an old camera, especially find film for it. I want to start collecting them though; especially Nikons since that's what I shoot with, and eventually try to use them. I find it fascinating to use old cameras to get that old film/photograph look without any computer editing needed. Raw photography at it's finest is a beautiful thing too :) I DID, however, buy an old, red film roll I'm going to use for decoration in my room. <3

After that we ate and got ready for the Red Sox vs. Kansas City Royals baseball game. THAT was a blast! The Red Sox won, seven to one, and we had GREAT seats. We were in the shade in the whole time and it was really peaceful but exciting. Sitting next to my dad, he taught me everything and educated me more about baseball so I'm finally understanding it now, and can watch the game and enjoy it instead of wonder what's going on. Baseball really is a fun sport to watch, a lot of people don't think so, but I really love it. It's all a mind game, really, and a sport that you definitely have to use smarts almost constantly. Even though the Red Sox won, all the Royals fans were good sports; after the game, they had a fireworks show which was really awesome to see from the stadium; they shut off all the lights, and played music. It definitely felt like an awesome summer moment. :)

Saturday, or today, is when we left; we actually went on a small detour through Joplin because my parents wanted to see the damage of the tornado since they're in healthcare/disaster management and what not. It was really, really eerie and haunting though once you get to the damaged areas... it was like Piedmont's damage, but times twenty. It completely wiped out a high school, and their entire medical/healthcare area of their town. Neighborhoods were totally destroyed and some business too. The trees were gnarled and eaten up in odd ways, and knowing 150+ people died in the storm made it even more haunting. People were still out cleaning up the damage and rebuilding; it's been two months but it still looks like it just happened yesterday... However, it was really awesome to see some things; like, one of the churches that was totally nailed, the giant, iron cross that was in front of it was left totally untouched. The hospital that got destroyed in Joplin, outside their entrance was a statue of two hands holding a cross... that was left untouched too. It just shows you that God is in everything, and is there through the storm, staying strong through the storm. Had I been a victim of those tornadoes, I would've seen that and been filled with hope.

After we viewed all of that, we were on a mission to find the VintageStocks in the area; someone had told me that a HUGE VintageStock was in Joplin, the size of three Edmond stores with a movie/game playing area and all this stuff... I was determined to find it and the headquarters, and I had this image in my mind of this glorious VintageStock and was super stoked...

However D: the one we ended up finding was even smaller than Edmond's, and the service was awful. They didn't have a very good selection of anything and I felt down that I was told wrong or tricked or something. Or that the other one was actually somewhere else in Missouri. It was the original VintageStock store, but it was still so small. And when we found the headquarters, it was even SMALLER, and sort of randomly placed and practically hidden. We were like, "seriously??" and I felt super bummed. I don't know why, but it bothered me and I was somewhat annoyed. HOWEVER, when we were eating I looked up the location, and there are two Vintage Stocks; one literally down the block from the one we did end up finding. Luckily I persuaded my parents enough and they took us there; and holy cow, that was no disappointment...

This VS was an anchor store to a huge mall; and walking inside I was greeted with tons of rushing AC, and this gigantic VS that surpassed my vision. It was A GINORMOUS STORE, like four Edmond stores combined honestly. They had a stage with live music playing, tons of things on the walls, endless movies and games, oodles of toys and they even had a whole book section, like used books, almost as big as a small bookstore. They did have a section with a theater sized TV and rows of couches where they had movies going on, and another section with a circle of big screen TVs and couches with games on that you could play and test out. Couches were near the books and everything! And even with all this stuff there was still so much space and it felt so open and welcoming. The service was great too. I felt in shock and awe and wanted to spend all day in there D: I was taking pictures like a nerd and trying to see everything and see how they do everything, and what they sold, had, etc...

However, my parents were ready to get on the road home so I was pulled away. D: I bought some souvenirs though, haha, some awesome rare Pokemon cards they had for a shwell deal, as well as a plushie and then a poster. I mainly looked for stuff we wouldn't generically have at our VS, so I think I did okay. I mainly was excited about seeing it and seeing just how big it was; I even saw it before my own manager, haha when I texted him he was both shocked and jealous. It was pretty fun, I wish I could've stayed there longer though; and walked through the whole mall, it looked so big and awesome and intriguing @_@

But now we're home, and it feels good. School starts on Monday but I've accepted; I'm almost ready for it, it'll give me something to do, somewhere to be, I'll be in my own apartment and living on my own again. I'm hoping this year will be full of new memories, projects, friends and fun. I love summer fun, but school has a lot of fun moments too; plus, fall and winter are both coming up, which means cooler weather and the holidays! I'm so excited ^^

OH, and I'm currently watching through an amazing anime right now, called "His and Her Circumstances" (IE: "Kare Kano") and it's super cute! You can tell it's an older anime too, probably in the 90's or early 2000's or so, but I love it. The story is cute and the characters are lovely. I'm trying to get through all my anime so I can finally buy new anime and keep up with my collection, haha. I'm determined! >:O

Well, I love you all, and thanks for reading this awfully long blog post! :'D

It's all winding down.

School is about to start again! Less than a week away. Man, where did time go?

I guess I'm bummed summer is over, but also, ready for school to start. Ready for change, for new memories and experiences. And even though stress and challenges will come along the way with homework, projects and deadlines, it will make me grow up even more and mature one step further into my future. So, I'm ready to embrace it again and just accept that it has to happen sometime. Now I'll be working too, so I'll be kept pretty busy and probably always tired, haha. Hopefully I can balance everything well; we'll just see how this goes.

I've been packing the past few days to move into my apartment; this time, I'm packing even more stuff since I'll probably not be constantly coming home. I'm going to try to make my apartment feel as close to home as possible; so that means new decorations and I've probably spent too much money already, bahaha. A lot of my stuff in my room is from my room here at the house, like throw pillows and wall decorations, but I did get some new things. I'm excited to keep decorating my OWN PLACE, as well as learn budgeting for groceries and household things. I want to learn independence and this has all definitely been one step towards that. It's all about figuring out what you really need and what you don't need; what you can wait on, save up for, budget for, or whatever. It's all about having money in savings, and trying to find the most efficient way. It's all kind of fascinating, really.

Enough of that though, I'm sure it's not fun to read about. Haha. Overall, summer was okay; it wasn't entirely what I wanted it to be. I didn't get a nice, long vacation, or get to go to the beach like I wanted... I didn't get to really swim a lot or do a lot of different, fun things I don't normally have time for. I felt a lot of my summer went into convention preparation and conventions (which was very fun, but a lot of it stressful and at times rather dramatic, you girls know what I'm talking about), and if not that, then just working or sorting through relationship and personal issues. *sigh* Maybe though this summer was meant for that; a time to sort things out with myself and grow up a little bit... I guess we have to do it sometime. I can't expect summer to always be endless parties, constant swimming and relaxing or always getting to see friends or go shopping or go vacationing. Sometimes, summer is a transitional period that we can must take time to learn from instead of running from. Maybe next summer will be my relaxing, adventurous summer.

Anywhoodle! We're going to Kansas City tomorrow. Mainly for a Red Sox baseball game my dad really wants to go to, but baseball is always a fun sport to watch, so it should be exciting. After that we'll check out the shopping there; I'm excited I guess, but, I can't lie in saying I wish we could go to some naturey place where I can just soak in the trees or mountains or ocean for three days. THAT would be perfect. Shopping is great and all, but nothing beats relaxing in a beautiful place, surrounded by nature...

Oh well, maybe over fall break? I'm hoping so!

Gah, time to go back to packing, and hopefully moving things in and getting settled in will go by quickly tonight. I need to get some sleep for the drive tomorrow.

Love you all! <3

BTW: I feel like I'm slowly reaching my goal of longer hair; so I think after this next hair cut, my next one after that will be the short-hair haircut. And if not THAT one, then definitely the next. I'm getting excited for some change with my hair finally!







So, I'm thinking my hair cut similar to Alice's, a la Eclipse-ish style. I've had this similar style before and it looked pretty good. :) What do you guys think?

Straight to you.

"It's okay."

No, it's--

"Just... let go, Emmy."

I can't.

"Let go."

No, I ca--!

"EMMY!"

"I CAN'T!" I cried.

Thunder roared in the sky and lightning snaked against the crimson clouds. My entire body was feeling the fatigue of the war. Roaring fights and battles raged around us, but I knew my Sense could not last much longer to keep us hidden and safe. Thick tears I'd been holding back finally slid down my face, and my whole being, heart, mind, soul was shaking and trembling, wanting to scream and cry out and give up. How could we win this? How?

I had my arms clutched around his forearms, and I fell to my knees, I couldn't hold myself any longer. I hung my head and cried out, screamed, let out everything my soul had been feeling the past three months. My father's face was slowly vanishing from my mind; what did he look like? What did his voice sound like? I was fighting for him all this time, to bring him home safely. I had it in my heart that I would never lose sight of that goal, and that his safety meant my determination only grew stronger... and yet, this war could even taint my own memories of him. The Parallel's virus was nothing but poison to a human mind, and I felt myself slowly losing to it's control. My fingers curled and dug into Damien's skin, clutching onto him for my entire life, but I finally grew quiet. My Sense was losing its power, but I clung to him as if he could revitalize it somehow. Or, clung to him to reassure myself I could maybe keep him alive.

At least keep Damien alive...

"Emmy." I lifted my head up, looked into his eyes. Damien's eyes, full of scars, chaos, mystery; however, they were unclouded in this moment. They were filled with truth, wisdom, and a glint of hope. His lips twitched into a soft, yet still crooked smile. "You are the most stubborn soul I have ever met."

"I-I'm sorry. I can't... we're both going to die here."

"No... we're not. Well," he huffed, blowing a lock of hair from his eyes. "we're both not at least," he finished.

"What?" I asked, startled. My fingers clutched his arms tightly again. His smile turned from wise and caring to a smile of... acceptance. Almost a crooked, peaceful smile.

"Emmy.. I deserve to die here. All of this is for your father; you can't give up now. You have to bring him back to your world, your home, and end this corruption of Parallel from spreading into Reality. If I die here, I just ... disappear. There's nothing much on the Other Wide for us Parallel citizens." He frowned, but his expression turned somber and his eyes gently lifted upward. "However, Emmy.. you being human, you have the chance for your soul to reside in a Paradise for eternity." His gaze fell on me again, stern this time. "You'd be an idiot to give something like that up just because you're too proud to stay alive."

"What? It's not about pride.. I ... " I watched him, my heart hurting. I knew I'd grown an attachment to Damien over these past months, however, I never knew to what magnitude. When I called out his name, or held onto him, or fought side by side with him in battle, it was all as if I'd never see him again. As if I'd look back at him, and he'd just smile and me that with crooked smile and then just vanish in a blink of an eye. Every moment I had with him, I felt like he'd no longer be there. The idea of losing him or not seeing him laughing or scowling or being sarcastic and slightly rude... pained me. With Damien, I always had this desire to fight for him, or help him, or stand in front of him if he were being persecuted, even if his towering six foot one could never be defended by my measly five foot four. Anytime he teased me or tousled my hair or said my name, I felt some odd twist inside, but thought it was annoyance this whole time. His mystery, his silent leadership, his passionate personality, his quiet solitude, his awkward kindness...

I knew what it was now.

"Damien, I..."

"We can't love in the Parallel, Emmy."

My heart sank.

Damien sighed heavily, and looked away. "It's not possible for a human or a Parallelian to love one another. Our alternate universes won't allow it; it's one of the great curses of human's interaction with the Parallel that the Creator finally had to end. Legends and folklore spoke of lovers across parallel universes, but it only ended in tragedy." His eyes were dead on me, cold and heartless. The first Damien I had ever met was now greeting me again, and I was kind of missing his snarky comments more. "Love across parallel universes can't happen."

I grew silent, and hung my head. I wasn't expect some sort of heart-filled confession from Damien as we embraced one another or kissed and ran into the sunset or anything. I accepted what he told me; I knew it wasn't a love meant to blossom or grow, it was just a feeling I knew I couldn't just deny entirely. It wasn't in my being to deny something I felt. "I just... I guess you figured it out. But, I can't just deny something that I feel. But now that it's out, you understand as to why I can't just let you sacrifice yourself so easily," I whispered.

Damien was silent. Painfully silent. He was accepting what I confessed, death, but I was too I guess. I felt my barrier weaken and I knew this was slowly the end. Slowly. I closed my eyes, just waiting to feel the piercing pain of the battle hitting me from all sides, as I was torn to shreds and disintegrated into the world of the Parallel. "You assumed... I was done with what I was saying."

What?


His forehead rested gently on mine, and my heart leaped a little at the sudden closeness. Damien always tousled my hair or punched me in the arm, shoved me, tripped me, stood mildly close to me grabbed my wrist or hand, but all in either protective or teasing manners; never had he showed some sort of intimacy or vulnerability as he was showing me now. But I felt it from him; and saw it in his eyes when I lifted my eyes, and our gazes locked. "Just as you met yourself here, in the Parallel, already, there is a me in Reality as well." HIs voice was merely a whisper, rushed, as time was drawing closer, "He won't be entirely the same as me; your heart will have to find him."

"But if you die here, won't he die too?" I whispered frantically. I felt my throat thicken and my stomach knot, and my words came out hoarse and pathetic. Tears began to sting my eyes again. "Why are you telling me this when it's hopeless?"

"That's not entirely true. The Parallelians, our souls may not go to a Paradise after we're gone, but they do go somewhere else -- to Reality. To live another life. To explore and become anew. Now, though we already have been "living" in Reality to an extent, our Parallel selves after our deaths, our souls, and inner, raw feelings and emotions entirely will be remembered by our Reality self." He drew a heavy breath. "You know what I'm saying; you're bright, Emmy, so quit looking so struck with shock. You don't have much time; I can't stay here. You don't have enough power left to try to barricade both of us." Through my shock I didn't even notice his arms released from my hold; eventually he'd be completely visible to them again. They'd destroy him; even Damien himself, with his Sense of fighting and killing, couldn't stand the chance against an army.

He'd certainly die.

"DAMIEN!" I cried, my hands instantly found his face and tears rolled down my cheeks. "You've been the one forcing me to be strong, you can't just leave now -- You'd be quitting! Giving up! You told me to NEVER do that, you hypocrite!" I cried. He remained calm, and just held a hand over mine. He smirked.

"Emmy..." He let out a heavy sigh and shook his head. With that same smirk, he leaned in and gently pressed his lips against my forehead and then pulled back, his expression tender and caring as he tilted head up so my gaze could meet his. His voice was deep and stern, his crimson eyes reassuring and comforting. My heart ached as he spoke these words; "You know, once I am gone, my soul will come running again; straight to you."

And then, Damien slipped from my barricade. Into the battle, into his final breath.

--------------------------------

UHHHH

I don't know, haha. It's late, but I felt like writing something; that's all probably total trash, but my idea is there.

Basically, Emmy and Damien have a tragic sort of... love story. Two souls can't love over parallel universes, it defies the laws of the universes set forth by the Creator. So, even though falling in love is still achievable between universes, it can never be acted upon or can never grow. Once the feelings are confessed, that's all it remains. A human is never even supposed to be in the Parallel, and vice versa.

Gah, it's all such a confusing story I'm still trying to sort. I didn't want Emmy and Damien to be typical sort of couple, I wanted some sense of tragedy between them to keep them ... legendary almost, to make their love stand out. The story itself isn't written as a love story, so their whole story is just a side note, however, a very important one too. It's not just totally ignored either once Damien dies.

AND YES DAMIEN DIES Dx I'm sorry!

I don't even want to re-read through that cause I'd be up another hour or two editing stuff @_@ GOODNIGHT.