XOXO

So... you wouldn't believe what I'm watching.

Gossip Girl. Baaah!

It's Lara's new favorite show (she has to have some sort of show to watch all the time, lol) so it's on a lot and I'll be in the living room working on stuff/chilling so I'll watch it with her. It's soooo full of drama, my word. It's all about the rich and elite, and all their money and fashion and success and titles, but all the drama and crap that "goes on". Lol, it just goes to show you, money and all that status can not buy you happiness. All the drama is ridiculous but slightly addicting, lol. Like, this isn't in my life thank goodness so I'll watch all this other drama in their fictional lives.

Sure? Hahahaha.

I just want Once Upon a Time and Korra DDD:

I have tomorrow off! I'm so excited. These past couple of days were kinda' bleh, not the best. Work work work. I heard a scary story that the restaurant down the road from our VStock was robbed at gunpoint. :( Apparently it happened while they were taking the trash out which is scary because I used to do that like every night shift I worked... I never realized how dangerous it is since it's back alley kind of atmosphere. /shudders

I just gotta' pray for protection and safety... For myself, but mostly for all those I love and care for.

I'm so glad it's the weekend though! I'm gonna' hopefully get a lot done for cosplay tomorrow. As well as homework. Cause I work all day Sunday... gonna' work on some artwork too. :3 Busy busy!

To-Do list for this week:

- Grocery shopping!
- Laundry
- Catch up on 365 days :3
- Cosplay work
- Find a Bible study to start!! :)
- Clean up room and organize
- Homework and projects

Also can I just say.. I really love photography. I'm meant to be a photographer, some how, some way, I know it. I fit right in in that class, the whole thing is fascinating to me! Did you know you can make a camera out of pretty much anything? Well, an enclosed dark space, a controlled light-source, photo paper and something to use as your shutter. It's called pinhole photographer and it's wildly popular :) You can literally make one out of a soda can and capture the photo by using tape as your shutter! Gonna' be a summer break craft experiment for me :)

Once I learn even more, I'm gonna' try to take as many classes as possible. Possibly even one over the summer. I want to get better and better! And then y'all have to be my models for pictures mmkay? ;D

I hope you all had an amazing week and have a wonderful weekend! I can't wait to see y'all ladies next <3 p="">

My new favorite spring/summer look... baggy off the shoulder shirts with shorts. Gonna' thrift me some big t-shirts like these to mess with and make cute and comfy :)

This is pinhole photography :) cool huh?

This one as well. you can see the rim of the cup/can it's in! One of the clearer shots I've seen of pinhole photography. Some photographers dedicate their entire life's work to solely shooting like this :)

Gonna' look forward in prayer!

Decided that having anxiety isn't necessarily good. Well, no. It's NOT good at all.

Instead, I'm gonna' be turning that anxiety into fuel for prayer. Fuel for positive thinking, and eventually, complete optimism. I'm mostly optimistic; but school and life has kinda' made me pessimistic and bitter. Even within a few minutes of just thinking of how GOD wants me to handle situations, I felt a lot more at ease.

Mainly talking about design (as always, haha) and handling the people. The rude people, the people that leave me out, the fake ones. Even my closest friends in design that I want to reach out to. I'm going to pray for them instead of be closed off. Instead of be bitter or insecure about how Jasmine's treating me, I'm going to pray for her. Maybe try to reach out when I feel confident enough again.

Y'all don't know how much she hurt me by just treating me coldly last semester :( I know you guys think from your POV that she was awful, rude, etc., but we literally hung out all the time. Even though she teased me a lot, was inappropriate and sometimes just out there and rude with her teasing, I considered her a friend. Heck, a close friend. I saw her more than I saw my parents, really, or even you guys and Ethan. We stayed up super late all the time working on projects. We were empathy partners essentially, pulling each other through. We opened up to one another about crazy deep stuff. The list goes on.

Instead of withdrawing, I need to reach out. Find a way, somehow... I have something in mind. Even if we're just on talking terms again, when I feel like she doesn't totally hate my guts for whatever reason, I'd be fine. I'm not expecting things to go back as they were but, I don't want to entirely give up either. I want God to use this to help me get stronger in my faith of people, friendships and what I can do to love my enemies. I think it's all meant to be a test, that I just need to take head on. I'll have other friends on campus to lean on in weak moments or vent to, or talk to if my reaching out to her totally fails.

But I can't just give up! What would Jesus do, right? :)

I'm feeling so much more at peace now about school starting just thinking through all this. Of course, I'm a little anxious still, but eh, once it starts, I'll be used to it in no time, like old times... I have a three day weekend every week so that's a bonus ;) plus, I'm only taking 4 classes, three of which are project/design based, one is a lecture. But I have that lecture class with Sable!! I'm so excited, it'll be fun to have a friend in class again :)

Guys, I'm really sorry if I get negative so often. Please don't worry too much, I just have horrible mood swings. They usually aren't nearly as bad as I make them out to be >.<;; I know regardless you'll probably still worry, but whatever XD I love you all so dearly and am so insanely blessed <3 p="p">
I got new clothes today! Part of my Christmas presents was a "shopping" day with my mom since, well, she is clueless what to get me clothes wise and she knew I needed new stuff to start school with. It's really nice actually having fresh new clothes >.< I love thrift store shopping/Goodwill shopping (trust me!!) but, it's nice having new items too!

- Cardigans galore! = mint, blue/black w/ zippers, red (bargained!), white w/ black collar/detailing.
- Simple fitted tank tops = gray, light blue and red
- New black ankle boots (bargained!)
- New black stockings
- Two dresses = black and white striped cotton dress, A-Line (actually got this with a gift-card I got from Ethan's family), and an asymmetric, short-long cotton dress with mint colored under-layer and seashell pattern detail
- Reddish-brown, faux-leather jacket (bargained!)
- A nice faux leather blouse with embroidery/zipper detail = it reminded me of something from Final Fantasy *___* (it was a bargain, too!)

Lol, half of that stuff was bargained/clearance/sale items, so, I guess it's almost like thrifting anyway. XD What can I say, I can never say no to bargains O.O

Also, the 365 days challenge is going swell! I'm a couple days behind, not too bad though. I may try to post an art dump of each month onto my blog, haha. We'll see though. XD

Fresh clothes, fresh attitude, fresh spirit, and fresh start to a semester. I can't wait to see what this semester has in store! :) Love you all and take care!

Honestly?

This blog was originally written very bitterly and kinda' pathetically sad. But now that I've vented that out to myself, I'm gonna' change it up and make it more optimistic, lol.

I do have anxiety about school though. My mom was talking to me earlier about it, and asked if I feel in constant turmoil there. Yes, and no. I love graphic design. I love illustration. The creativity, the liveliness, the fast-pace life style. I don't like the stress and sometimes, the people. Designers are a certain breed; a lot of them can be like me and Sable. Artsy, laid-back, mellow, friendly, insightful, hard-workers. Nerdy, geeky, goofy, creative, what have you. The rest I just notice, friendly or not, seem to only find fun in partying and drinking. Twice this week the design kids wanted to go to two different bars, and a drag show. Like, really? Why is that appealing? Drag shows are freaking dumb, and you probably won't even remember your Friday night 'cause you're hammered!

I think other things are fun, like: movie parties or marathons, laser tag, arcades, roller skating, bowling. Am I five, or am I more mature than they are? lol.

Honestly, I'm a little sad everyone's drifting or ending cosplaying :( I know it's y'all's life, but I guess i can't help but feel like it's bittersweet. I'm not ready to stop yet, I don't know when I will be. It's just... too much fun to me still, lol. I mean sure, it'll probably definitely slow down after this year. But I don't think I'll stop at all. Sable and I were discussing traveling to different cons to just go on Saturdays, just to see what they're like; and then spend the rest of the weekend or time there exploring the area. Like Colorado ice castles or mountains, or the beach :)

Once cosplaying does end though I def. want to focus on tables. Tables tables tables. I want to be a witness to this world, guys. It's such a lost world that others write off as unimportant. I want to be a witness within our community. I was so inspired by Vic that one Sunday at Izumicon, it was seriously a huge God moment for me. Through cosplay or not, somehow I am meant to witness with my talents and hobbies; and goodness sake, I'm gonna' do it. Tables will be the best way; but I'm also gonna' try harder through cosplay too. Just being genuinely nice. Idk, I'm going to pray about different ways to witness through cosplay and every day con goers.

I moved back into Edmond today, ewww. Being there just makes me anxious and thinking about school, and living with the "couple" again. I do like being on my own though, but, this will be nice to know it's my last semester.

I never did blog about the cruise, did I? that will need to be done eventually...

I'm so horrible at posting pics to FB I need to do that at some point.

THINGS TO DO!!
- Plan cosplays for Naka & TnT
- Start on cosplays O.O
- SAVE MONEY AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE
- Stay positive
- Pray, all the time
- Work harder in school
- Expand my talents
- Draw every day
- Post pics to FB: summer pics (NY, Florida, cons, etc...) as well as cruise pics and throughout the year stuff.
- Back-up computer
- Sort through files on computer/organize
- Clean up room, sell books, sell clothes, donate things
- Work-out every day, somehow...
- Thank God for all my blessings.
- Take NOTHING for granted.

Also.......

I never thought I'd say it but....

.....

Adventure Time is growing on me.

/flails

His world will go on turning...

Gah, this song. Makes me cry every time... Eponine :'(

Gah, that movie. I have never bawled so hard during a movie. Unbelievable.
It was like a spiritual experience to I think, idk, hard to explain. Just the entire story of grace and love and compassion through all these horrible times and moments in their life. And then at the end, triumphantly escaping the miserable world into the joy and victory of  heaven. I SOBBED VERY GROSSLY.

This week flew by; I hope next week doesn't, it's my last week on break :( But, it's been an amazing break in general, I can not complain. I've gotten to sleep a lot, I had the amazing cruise, I've hung out with friends and family and have just had time to rest and do what I want. I've had to do some homework for the Addy's, but it wasn't too much.

Is it sad sometimes I relate with this song quite often? Lolol it's like my go to sad song when stuff happens between me and Ethan. Or if I'm feeling lonely or forgotten. Pathetic, I know... but I'm always in my mind, imagining him next to me, or with me, because most of the time, he just isn't really there. "And now the night is here, and I can make believe he's here..."

Sometimes, I do think his world would go on turning without me. He seems to have all these other priorities that make him content and preoccupied... I just feel in the way or like an obligation. Idk if that's how it really is, but, of course, we all have our moments of being really down or sad or angsty. Sometimes I just feel like I'm on the outside looking in on his life, behind a window. I can't seem to really feel closer to him anymore; he's either pushing me away or not inviting me in. I don't really know how to explain it.

I just want to be noticed by him again. Feel special. I feel like Eponine, hiding in ragged clothes with dirt on my face, a hat shading my eyes, desperately wishing for that attention and compassion. 

': |

Sorry 'bout that emo-ness guys. 

But! I like to vent it all out here, to you all, as well as through drawing. Keeping it in has lead me down darker places before... but, putting it on here and getting it off my chest helps A LOT more. If you don't want to be down, just don't read some of my blogs lol :P 

I can't wait til the Christmas party to see everyone again :) I gotta' finish some shopping but I'm almost done. I'm so excited, I hope everyone likes their gifts! I hope I can finish all my drawings by then too~~

I hope you're all having a wonderful break/day/evening/whatever. Love you all! <3 p="p">

Review time! [December]

Helloooo ladies!
This was inspired from Cheryl's blog XD Cause I'm a copy cat
But hey, product reviews are uber helpful! I love reading when y'all post them, haha. So I'll try to remember to do some too XD

Pantene Ice Shine Shampoo/Conditioner

JAG PULL-ON JEANS

First I want to start off with my new favorite brand of jeans; JAG! I usually buy Gap since I'm picky with jeans and want good quality; however, I went with JAG this time, and I'm pretty impressed. They're slightly cheaper (in the $30-$40 range) so that's always a bonus. They fit perfectly if you get your right size, and flatter curves nicely; the kind I bought were pull-ons, so they don't have buttons or a zipper. They're essentially like jeggings, just way thicker, so they're not just tights. They have a control waist top which is GREAT for controlling the muffin top we all get sometimes XD

PANTENE ICE SHINE SHAMPOO + CONDITIONER

I try to mix up shampoos here and there, and I love the Pantene Brand. I went from moisturizing shampoo to this stuff, and I really like it! My hair feels super shiny and soft, and feels like it looks cleaner over a long span of time (I usually have to shower every day or else my hair seems oily; but this allows me to not have to wash my hair except every other day if necessary). I'm also starting to only use conditioner on the ends of my hair, which has helped a LOT with not having build up and gunk at my roots :)

MAYBELLINE COLOSSAL VOLUM' EXPRESS MASCARA

I try to mix and match mascara here and there, Maybelline seems to do me well. I don't notice a huge difference between mascaras, but, I like Maybelline's because they have a huge variety of difference kinds depending on if you want volume or lengthening. I usually like to pair this with fake eyelashes for a super dramatic effect :)

REVLON COLORSTAY LIQUID EYE PEN

Cheryl, this is the eyeliner I was telling you about -- I SWEAR by this stuff. Love, love, love it. I haven't used a different eyeliner since. I personally like the smokey brown or the charcoal black. Very deep, rich dark colors that last pretty much all day; I usually only reapply once and that's if necessary (for like cosplays/conventions with photos taken etc...) It seems to dry very well and doesn't smear. The only thing is, if worn day and day again it may "stain" a little bit; as in, not totally wash off. I've noticed even after a shower + using eye make-up remover, plus again in the morning, I'll still have some residue left. It usually doesn't both me too much; because when I want eyeliner, I KNOW it will stay on with this stuff.

MAYBELLINE INSTANT AGE REWIND DARK CIRCLES ERASER

I'm pretty sure Mattie did a product review of this once XD

But yes! Oh man. I lvoe this stuff. I'm a girl that never likes to wear foundation or concealer; I HATE having too much make-up on my face, some days, I just wear none at all. However, since this stuff entered my life, my goodness, I love it. I love that I can just brush it on and blend it in and it doesn't need foundation underneath, it matches my skin so perfectly and blends so smoothly. It literally does erase dark-marks too, and acne/acne scars. I honestly have no complaints except that I wish it was a tad cheaper :P

MAGAZINE REVIEW: SELF, DECEMBER 2012 ISSUE

I love this magazine! I honestly just picked it up because Kaley Cuco of Big Bang Theory was on it; however, I tore through it during bath and tea time. It has tons and tons of great tips for weight lost and healthy dieting, as well as practical and realistic dieting. It contains a diet plan that EVEN includes fast food/out to eat options (including Wendy's/Taco Bell, etc...) for the normal, every day diet, breakfast, lunch and dinner (obviously, the fast food options are only if you have to -- but it's cool they provide that option for lives on the go). There's also tons of weight loss tips, exercise routines step by step, and encouraging/inspiration facts and tidbits and testimonials to keep your mindset healthy a well. They also have segment on healthy financial living. It's all about being the best self you can be. 

Downside is it is a "hip, trendy" magazine, so there is an article in there about sex and how it can keep you healthy, etc... as well as other cheeky stuff like that here and there. However, it's not bad at all compared to other magazines nowadays. I mainly just invest in the health/exercise portions.

BOOK REVIEW: THOU SHALL NOT USE COMIC SANS: 365 GRAPHIC DESIGN SINS AND VIRTUES

This is probably my new favorite book (well so far, haha) it's so funny! But also, informative. I'm not all the way through it, however, I can tell how the rest will be just by the first few pages. The formula is a "sin or virtue a day" kind of thing, with small commentary on the overall problem. However, the sarcastic tongue in cheek style of writing is charming, and the first sentence in the forward is about being a graphic designer who dropped out of school after four weeks; however, he wrote this ENTIRE book of advice just from his personal experience. It's all about the basics of type, what to do and not to do. Some contradict each other, but that's what graphic design is all about; following and breaking the rules.

It's a neat little guide to have, even for non-designers, to use type and type design as effectively as possible, or as it's meant to be used. :) It is a little heavy on design lingo/terminology, but, I think it's worth a read for anyone into the subject.

Thanks for reading everyone! :D

Idk.

*sniffles*

Ugh, I've been sick. It's been worse today; hopefully, this is as bad as it gets. It's stuffy nose, swollen head, sinuses inflamed, body aches, coughing, etc... Not enough to incapacitate you to a bed to keep you from work, but just enough to be totally annoying throughout your day.

I swear, my boss gave me the hours this holiday season he did as "payback" for being gone a week for the cruise. Black Friday, Christmas Eve, AND the day after Christmas. Like seriously? Worst days ever, guh. D: Oh well. The cruise was TOTALLY worth it. Uggh I miss the water, and the service, the fun, and feeling like a million dollars. I'm gonna' blog more about it later though, after I'm done editing my pics and sifting through all... 700 + of them. LOL!

Break is nice though, but of course, gotta' do some design work :P I'll rest when I'm dead, lol. They want us to submit for an awards show, so I have to go up to UCO and print on Saturday. After that, me and Ethan are going to Manheim Steamroller. My parent's got us tickets for Christmas. :) Just gotta' get through one more shift at work and then printing/finishing this stuff and Saturday night shall be wonderful!

I talked to Lara about my living situation, and she didn't seem as upset as I thought she would when I told her this next semester would be my last on campus. She was really understanding. I'm ready for a new start, and ironically enough, going back to my parents may help. It helps get the focus off of "crap, I need groceries and this house item and this house item" it gets rid of the temptation to eat out, it's quiet here, it's not so far away from everyone. I'll probably start looking for internships next summer and really get started growing up. I'm excited, but nervous! >.<

Christmas was so wonderful! Kinda' chaotic, I had my brother, his wife and my niece here. She's an adorable baby though, smiles and laughs all the time. Super cute. :) It was so great to have a big happy family here for the holidays; that's the first time in a while.

I got some really good, practical gifts this year: graphic design and illustration books/magazines, giftcards to Target and other stores for clothes/house stuff, etc... as well as things like socks, make-up, toothbrushes, nail-polish, etc. And some fun things of course, like a Wonder Woman lunchbox, a vinyl laptop skin and the Avengers on blu-ray :D Mainly just blessed for a loving family, fantastic friends, a wonderful boyfriend, a roof over my head and for Christ. Christmas really reminds me of all I cherish.

Things to look forward to:
- New Years!
- Manheim concert :)
- A day off tomorrow @_@
- Sleeping in :D
- Drawing more!
- Christmas party with FRIENDSSS!!!
- More hours = bigger paychecks = present buying and clothes shopping and then saving for me :)
- Quality time at home, in quiet, rejuvenating

What an off day...

Today has serviced a huge array of emotions.

First, feeling rather tired and stressed from moving out and finishing my last two finals for my online class. I literally didn't eat until four when I got at work, and even then, it was scarfing down stuff just to have energy.

Next, hearing the news of the Conneticut elementary school shootings... My heart sunk and I felt numb. The first thing I thought of was the terror on the children's faces... they're so young, they don't understand that. They shouldn't have to yet. They should be innocent and carefree; now they'll be traumitized and terrified. Next, I thought of the horror the parents must've felt, not knowing if their child was alive or not. That's probably the hugest fear of mine: knowing a loved one is somewhere of potential danger, like a shooting, and not knowing if they made it or not. I've had nightmares about it, woken up crying, had anxiety. Stuff like this doesn't change.

My heart is truly with all of them... my prayers as well. Honestly, the first thought I imagined was "there has to be a certain place in hell for this guy" or anyone who would do that to children. Then I felt sick, and upset with myself; I should be forgiving, right? How, how though... how easily can it be to forgive such a horrid, horrid man? I fought with myself all day about it; what is God's plan for this? I wanted to be just as angry and hateful and spiteful against this man, but another half of me drew me back. Fighting with myself on and off was exhausting.

I just pray that these shootings can be prevented in the future. Metal detectors in schools, more security in schools, etc. I'm sure there's always a way around things; but the harder we make it for the lunatics and criminals, the less likely they'll feel the need to fight back. Thus keeping children, and everyone, safe...

It makes me want to homeschool my future children though. Idk. I'd been considering it before, but now this, this... has almost pushed me over. It's comforting the idea of being able to be home with them, or have someone at my home or at a small church teaching them, not a public school with tons temptation, influence and apparently, threats of shootings. I know you can't withhold your children from danger forever, but... homeschooling seems like a good alternative. Rather than living with that constant anxiety and fear of "will they return to me today from school?"

As depressing as that sounds. Sorry guys. Just.. tons of emotions.

/sigh

On the upside of the day (I guess?) I'm finally done with school. I'm beyond annoyed how awful and badly this semester ended class wise; doing horrible on all my finals really set me off, and then having to work so much which kept me from studying. And the customers, oh, the customers.. I had to pray everyday before work and random times throughout JUST to remain semi-normal tolerancy. I can never finish a task or have a break without customers buggingbuggingbugging me, and honestly, most are kinda' snuffy/huffy/impatient. Very few seem thankful. Just cause we don't have something, they'll have a disgusted look on their face or like it's OUR fault. Good Lord. I'm a few bad customers away from walking out, seriously. I'm tired of it. I can't wait for retail Christmas season to be done.

The week couldn't have drug on MORE. I feel totally wiped after this semester. I hope my cruise will be relaxing and bring me rejuvenation to start again..

I feel like EVERYONE around me is getting engaged, is married, or is having babies. I just learned today Heather Maloney is engaged; like for real. I've been dating Ethan longer than those two are together. Everyone else is getting engaged or graduating finally or having babies and starting a family. And me? I just feel stuck. Stuck in college. Stuck with my living situation. Stuck in my relationship. I don't even know if Ethan wants to marry me; so what's the point, right? We're both still very happy; but it doesn't seem to be progressing at all. I just.. have so many questions. And feel confused.

I feel like Rapunzel; "When will my life begin?" I feel like Ariel, wanting to explore and find so much more beyond where I am.

I just want to break free. Be new. Recharge, refresh and break this cycle. Maybe this next year will be it for me, maybe, I will finally break free somehow.