Magnet.

She stood there watching him, as angry as a storm but as fragile as glass. He hunkered over his work table, fists clenching the sides until his knuckles turned white. He was silent, as always; his breathing slow, deep, hollow. The wind howled outside, the door rattled: it was cold, even for spring. She was frozen, paralyzed with concern.

His work was strewn across the table, sawdust dusting his clothes. Bandages patched up his scarred, torn hands: it had been another long day, she knew that -- but even in his normal silence, this silence was piercing. Heavy. As if his simple, peaceful mind was troubled with gray clouds and snarling lightning.

She stepped forward, gently placing a hand on his shoulder. He flinched and shrugged away, his gaze snapping to her from over his shoulder. His gaze was troubled, angered, annoyed, as if her fingers touched a raw wound, but they hadn't. It was meant to be a comforting touch: why did he act like it burned? She withdrew her hand, hurt. His gaze lingered away from her, and he straightened his posture with a blunt sigh.

"What's wrong?"

He didn't answer.

Why was he acting like this? He started cleaning up his work table, dusting off the saw dust, organizing his tools. The shop was a messy place anyway, but as always, he organized and found order within the chaos. This went on for a while, in silence, as always. She leaned in the open doorway, hugging herself to keep warm. Her eyes watched him; guarded, cautious, swift. As if cleaning up and organizing was plucking away the thorns of frustration in his side. But why couldn't she? Why couldn't talking to her remedy him? Why couldn't her comforting touch and open heart calm his nerves, his frustrations?

She pressed her lips together, remaining quiet. But as she watched him in the workshop this cold spring night, the scene morphed into something more -- a car on a road on a beautiful, warm summer day; green grass and spring scenery flying by, open blue sky above. He and she sat together in the car, laughing, talking, reveling in youth.

He snuck a side glance towards her, she caught his eyes; they were happy, peaceful, content. In love. She laughed, "What's that look for?" she asked, smirking.

"Oh, it's .. nothing," he brushed off with a breathy laugh. He always did this! She scoffed and folded her arms. Though frustrated, it was in a playful way. She remained smiling.

"Seriously, what? Come on!" She continued to whine, poke, prod, bother.

He laughed and then sighed looking back over at her. "You're just... really beautiful." As he said this, his eyes were lit with the sun, and their beauty and warmth mocked nature's blue summer sky. His hair was whipping around his face from the open window, his smile soft and sweet. And she fell in love all over again.

A blush crept across her face and warmed her cheeks, but her smile never faded. She simply leaned in and pressed her lips sweetly to his cheek, and with a laugh pulled back and they continued driving, hands entwined with the sun smiling down on them.

Like a crash, her mind and soul returned to her body. It was cold again, night. Th

eir hands were not entwined, he was not looking at her with warm blue eyes, but instead, his eyes were dark, hardened as ice. He was bitter and silent still, finishing up and turning off the light.

With a sigh he passed by her and only muttered. "Don't worry about it. Let's just go do something else."

Even so, he kept walking, as if she weren't truly there. As if he didn't want to wait for her, as if he was okay if she never followed him. As if he was okay if she turned the other way, into her car and drove away, never to see him again. As if when she were gone, his universe would go on.

And even so, as the magnetism between them were so great, she followed. Pulled in and drawn into his gravity, wondering if she may never escape.

"... let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed... you're worth all of me."

Fire and Water.

Hello guys!

How's everyone doing? Easter is soon! I can't wait! I love Easter time. Going to church, soaking in the story of Jesus' resurrection and being reminded just yet again of His love. <3 and="" as="" at="" being="" break="" cold="" family="" friends="" hope="" i="" least="" m="" of="" p="" shows="" sick="" soon="" spring.="" spring="" the="" this="" up="" weather.="" well="" with="">
I got paid today... nice paycheck! >:0 but, alas, it goes so fast... A good chunk went to fill my car up with fuel. Another chunk is gonna' go to groceries. And then I bought some boots I'd been wanting and searching for, and budgeting for. Still, they were like... $78 after shipping /sigh, I'm nervous cause I just want them to fit alright so it won't be a headache. And if they're durable and good quality they'll last a while so it'll be worth the money. I haven't spent good money on shoes/clothes in a while, so it feels nice. I just want them to be here already. :P

So I have almost 1/3 of my paycheck to last me two weeks... I just gotta' budget and be tight with money. I can't wait to live with my parents again, ugh, saving will be so much easier. I don't have to chunk money towards groceries every week and a half, or eating out to get by when I don't have groceries... I still have to return the incorrect CD that Amazon store owner shipped me when I tried to order my FFVIII soundtrack, so, that'll get me about $20.... I'm such a penny pincher now >.<

I may also try to sell some clothes/books/movies/etc... get some cash, put it into savings.

/SIGH

I have so much I have to do. Between homework, work, and my other graphic design job, I'm being run thin... I always have stuff going, or stuff I should be doing, I don't honestly ever get a break where I can TRULY relax. I think the last time I had that was the cruise. I feel like I haven't slept well in a month or more. I just nee da day to crash, relax, rejuvenate, treat myself and get my mind off everything. OR, get everything done I need to get done and then just have a heck of a time relaxing and having fun until the next round of stress boots up.

I need to finish things outside of that too: birthday presents I owe people (not because I feel I have to, but because I WANT to, dangit), drawings, favors for people they've asked me, things I've promised, etc...

I get so behind, I'm sorry guys :'// You all KNOW I love you, so if I can't pull through with plans or something like a birthday present right away, it's not because I'm avoiding you or just don't care, but because I'm genuinely THAT busy and overwhelmed or broke, lol. I may get one evening I'm allowed to have "open" and that's usually spent trying to recover/sleep....

I can't WAIT until summer though. Even if I have class, I'll have a lot more open time.. so that'll be spent rejuvenating and being with friends and family.

A lot has been going on; things changing soon. I'll be moving out, me and Lara won't be living together anymore. She broke up with Cody, that was pretty emotional and rough... I'll be moving into my senior year after this semester. Enrollment is happening next week, I gotta' figure out financial aid/FAFSA stuff. I just wanna' be a little kid again with no responsibility when everyone else takes care of you and you just have fun and be wild and imaginative. Ah well. I guess there are benefits to being an adult too, obviously. :P

Ethan and I were kinda' insecure earlier this week... well, at least I was feeling insecure. Long story, but after Lara and Cody's break-up I got anxious and felt worried and started questioning Ethan's feelings. When I talked to him about it, he made me feel a lot better. He mentioned our chemistry, how it blended well and worked well together. Sure there were things we both want to change or work on, however, he's still happy just as I am.

He mentioned our chemistry like fire and water, ironically, haha. However, he believes he's more like water and I'm more like fire. But this is what he said..

"My even temper is like the water to your fire, but the fire keeps the water from becoming cold, unfeeling ice."

:') 

Well... I guess I better get to work before going to bed... I love you all and I hope everyone is feeling blessed in their lives!

Bright young women, sick of swimmin'.

Today... was great. The weather was fantastic and beautiful. I slept in (through church unfortunately :'//), but, I feel rested finally, the first time this week. I almost finished laundry, I got groceries and ran errands. I finally got mini-Moleskins so I can FINALLY have a portable to-do list to check off and keep adding to. Is it dorky this totally excites me?!

Naka-kon in two weeks or so. I'M SO READY. I'm ready for a con, for a weekend away with friends. For spring break in general, it's gonna' be fantastic. I asked for the day off after Naka as well, so I can have recovery time cause I assume I'm gonna' be working a lot over Spring Break. Ah well, money is good to have. :)

I can't wait 'til summer either... <3 a="" about="" and="" annoying="" are="" as="" at="" be="" but="" career="" college="" create.="" d:="" design="" do:="" do="" draw="" get="" graduating="" guys="" i="" it="" just="" last="" ll="" love="" m="" many="" me.="" my="" nbsp="" next="" o.o="" p="" paid="" pricey="" ready="" real="" s="" same="" so="" spring.="" start="" student.="" summer="" tedious.="" terrifying="" the="" things="" think="" time.="" to="" what="">
I'm really excited this year is just gonna' be a personal development one. Over summer I plan on taking portfolio development class, possibly some Francis Tuttle digital painting classes/Photoshop classes, either hip-hop dance class or join the karate studio again. I can't wait to swim a lot, hang out with friends, go to Tokyo in Tulsa, take photos, learn more, experience more, all at home. I want to lose weight, get fit, be more seasoned and all ready for my final year as a student. :)

Today was great, as stated, but I GOT NOTHING FOR SCHOOL DONE. O.O I just had no drive, haha. I ended up relaxing and taking it easy cause I haven't had a nice day like that. I'm just gonna' write up my to-do list and start fresh tomorrow. Ah, well. I'll just take each day as it hits me and not stress about anything. Something I'm trying to do more often. Give it all to God who will take care of me and keep pushing me.

Ethan and I watched Breaking Dawn pt. 2 together, haha. It reminded me of our evening out with the girls when we saw it XDD And how we were all freaking out. I snapped my head to him after it finishe and asked, "Well... WHAT DID YOU THINK?!" in our guy friends' typical style, he just kinda' sighed and smiled peacefully and laughed quietly and said "It was awesome..." Which is probably equivalent to "OMG IT WAS SO AMAZING AND I LOVEDDD ITTTT" to us girls. :3

I hope next week treats me well.. I gotta' do community service for that stupid alcohol incident -.-; Seriously irritated, but whatevs. I also have work for both jobs, and an upcoming project. I hope to get cosplay work done. I'm gonna' try going to bed at a decent time each night though to avoid being so behind on sleep again, and to rest my neck better.

I can't wait to cosplay Ariel. O.O I may do her instead of Snow White for our princess group. IDK yet haha, I just relate to her the most I think. Her hoarding of collectables and memories, her fascination, her daydreaming, her stubbornness, her desire to just love and be in love, to be a part of something grander than herself. :3 Ethan said he may be my Eric <3333 boy.="" fangirling="" gigglesnort="" i="" love="" p="" that="">

That's what's new in my book :)

Love you ladies! <3 p="">

Need to quit getting my hopes up.

Today ended up turning out pretty crummy.

On top of the school stuff I posted about earlier, work was just... awful. Worse shift ever no doubt. It wasn't really the customers at all, we didn't have any rude ones entirely. We were generally slow. However...

We had about 25-30+ boxes that were delivered from the warehouse. Mind you, these boxes hold maybe... 60-80 movies each, sometimes more if they're thinner cases or video games. We had tonnnnnnns of video games, movies, boxsets, blu-rays, etc... the MOST I have ever seen come in at once. However, they were delivered YESTERDAY AFTERNOON. Our corporate policy is that all boxes are received and at least processed through within a day's time. With big deliveries like this obviously it'll take longer, but it's worked on every day, every shift, as much as possible until it's finished.

The guy that was there when they were delivered -- we'll call him Jim -- was the shift leader. He had the WHOLE evening shift Wednesday night (which is 4-10 PM) as well as the WHOLE morning shift today (9 AM - 4 PM) to work on them. He could have most definitely at least knocked out a few and just started running stuff. we're not expecting them to all get done. But Andrew, the shift leader for today came in at 3 PM and... NOTHING WAS DONE. It'd been a whole day and a half and they hadn't even left the back of the store. When Andrew confronted Jim, apparently Jim just said "I'm paid to be here, I don't care if they tell us to get that stuff out at a certain time I'm not doing that s***" literally. He said this in a prideful, "jesting" way as if Andrew would find it funny, but he didn't; it meant that as Jim got to leave, Andrew and the evening crew (which was me and one other person) would have to get ALL of these received and processed by the end of the shift to get caught up on progress that should have been done already.

It was TONS of work, guys. Seriously. It requires scanning each and every one, opening it and checking the disks to make sure they're there, opening and tagging them with security tags, sorting them out, re-stickering them, removing excess stickers and shrink wrap, re-shrink wrap them, sort them out by category, alphabetize and stock. It was hundreds and hundreds of stuff to go through. We stayed an hour longer than scheduled JUST to finish processing them. We didn't even get to get much stocked. We had to get everything situated neatly because we couldn't stay any longer.

We wrote a letter to the manager complaining about Jim's behavior, we hope something will be fixed.. our manager is just so lackadaisical about employee relations and fixing problems. He's let this behavior go on FOREVER. This is NOT the first time it's happening, it's just the worst it's happened thus far. We didn't get to take breaks at all or even leave. The only way we got to even eat was because Aubrey's mom brought us pizza. And it was really sweet and good, but I just felt gross cause I've eaten nothing but cruddy food all week. Ugh.

I weighed myself and haven't lost any weight since my last weigh-in two weeks ago. I'm feeling frustrated and defeated... it's probably because I'm bloated for monthly reasons, but also because I honestly caved and ate cruddy food and drank soda and tons of coffee cause I was just stressed and tired the past week and a half wanted to quit having self-control and being strong. I wanted that comfort back. Now I regret it of course, that's how it always works. I just wish I could burn off a good amount of weight to keep me motivated to push through...

I just felt fat and ugly today and hated the dreary weather upon leaving work.

On top of that, it's Valentine's Day and I honestly felt a little forgotten. Ethan didn't do anything for me. He didn't even surprise me at work or anything, he stopped talking to me halfway through the day... idk what I expected. One year (I thought it was last) I worked V-Day evening and he showed up at work with flowers and chocolates. I was hoping for that I guess. Almost expecting it. But nope... probably just working on commissions. Idk...  He'd been sweet the past couple of days, pretty attentive too, I'd hoped even though we couldn't actually hang out tonight he'd do something... but instead, it's just been silence and being ignored. He said "we'll just make it up another day" but I honestly don't know how or when that will happen. I'm honestly really bitter with him right now and tired... I just wanted something from him you know? Not a gift or cheesy stuff, maybe just a visit. Is that so hard :/

There's also just a ton of other stuff on my mind weighing me down... I really need to just pray to God to night to get all my frustrations and anxieties out... and get a good night's rest I think...

I'm also emotional and moody cause of time of the month stuff, so sorry if I seem like annoying or whiny or bitter. I'll get over it, I just needed to vent.

Valentine's Day + humility lesson.

So today was our first critique day in photography. I go in feeling entirely confident, probably almost smug. I put my pictures up and feel like top dog, mine and maybe a couple other's have the best in the class, but I felt mine were just really dynamic and intriguing.

I sit down, lean back, and put my hands behind my head, almost smirking. Critique would be a cinch for me -- I'd give the best critique in class, I'm used to this already, going through this process. I get it all the time in design in the harshest of ways sometimes. Critique rolls around and I'm speaking up, using big terms and pointing out things, giving critique the correct way.

My teacher slows me down. "We haven't really discussed that yet so I'm not grading on things like composition." It stung -- I'm trying to give critique, they KNOW what composition is right? I kinda' held my tongue the rest of that person's work. I finally roll around and I felt like my critique was empty. He mainly talked about how I should print on glossier paper, and not at Kinko's. He didn't really say much good about my pieces, just asked me why I shot in certain ways. Others didn't speak up much either except for "I like it". I didn't know how to feel. My face felt flushed and red and as we moved on to the next person, I felt defeated.

A handful of people who I thought had mediocre photos got better critique and praise. I felt defeated, but then, ashamed of how prideful I was acting and feeling. I lost all humility and got too attached with my work that it affected me personally. I'm so used to being detached from my work with design/illustration, but photography has been like my source of art recently. This is truly the first "critique" I've gotten. I've learned from it though -- I can't be too attached, I have to be critical and always making myself better.

*SIGH* God will smack ya' down if you have too much pride, you know?

I'm happy it's Valentine's Day -- a day to show love to EVERYONE not just your relationship partner. Keep that in mind, folks: it's about spreading love to everyone around you, your friends and family, not just boyfriend or girlfriend. I'm gonna' try to do that today, at work, when I'll be REALLY tempted to be bitter... I'm just bummed I have to work tonight. My co-worker told me there's a lot to do, because as usual, the morning crew did nothing. I'm really irritated. I'm considering turning my two weeks notice in soon.

Transfer to the OKC store and work with Sable. >:P Screw this Edmond store, it sucks.

Anyway on Valentine's Day, Lara left me a cute little gift -- a cupcake, cute socks in a cute little box and a handmade V-Day card :3 She's such a sweet roomie. Despite all my little problems here and there, I'm super blessed by her. Her consistent optimism and compassionate personality is inspiring. I wish I had time and energy and thought to do stuff like that for her and others -- I need to work harder on that kind of language of love with other people, gift giving and hand-made thngs. They mean so much!

I can't wait 'til tomorrow~ I have the whole day off, which will be soooo nice <3 :="" a="" all="" and="" apartment.="" around="" as="" but="" can="" cleaning="" clue.="" cosplay="" crazy="" day="" did="" do="" done="" down="" drawing="" enjoying="" ethan="" for="" get="" getting="" got="" gotta="" have="" holds="" homework="" i="" in="" insane="" it="" just="" last="" like="" little="" m="" may="" maybe="" my="" myself="" night="" no="" nothing="" off="" on="" or="" our="" p="" plan="" probably="" room="" since="" sleeping="" slowed="" so="" some="" stuff="" t="" the="" then="" thing="" this="" through="" to="" tomorrow="" too.="" treat="" v-day="" wait="" want="" was="" week.="" week="" weekend="" well="" whatever="" work.="" work="">
Naka-kon a month away! AAH! I can't wait! <3333 p="">

You all are fantastic and I love you! Have an amazing Valentine's Day. <333 p="">


These next two are two of the five pictures I had to turn in today :) They're the ruins out by Ethan's house.

XOXO

So... you wouldn't believe what I'm watching.

Gossip Girl. Baaah!

It's Lara's new favorite show (she has to have some sort of show to watch all the time, lol) so it's on a lot and I'll be in the living room working on stuff/chilling so I'll watch it with her. It's soooo full of drama, my word. It's all about the rich and elite, and all their money and fashion and success and titles, but all the drama and crap that "goes on". Lol, it just goes to show you, money and all that status can not buy you happiness. All the drama is ridiculous but slightly addicting, lol. Like, this isn't in my life thank goodness so I'll watch all this other drama in their fictional lives.

Sure? Hahahaha.

I just want Once Upon a Time and Korra DDD:

I have tomorrow off! I'm so excited. These past couple of days were kinda' bleh, not the best. Work work work. I heard a scary story that the restaurant down the road from our VStock was robbed at gunpoint. :( Apparently it happened while they were taking the trash out which is scary because I used to do that like every night shift I worked... I never realized how dangerous it is since it's back alley kind of atmosphere. /shudders

I just gotta' pray for protection and safety... For myself, but mostly for all those I love and care for.

I'm so glad it's the weekend though! I'm gonna' hopefully get a lot done for cosplay tomorrow. As well as homework. Cause I work all day Sunday... gonna' work on some artwork too. :3 Busy busy!

To-Do list for this week:

- Grocery shopping!
- Laundry
- Catch up on 365 days :3
- Cosplay work
- Find a Bible study to start!! :)
- Clean up room and organize
- Homework and projects

Also can I just say.. I really love photography. I'm meant to be a photographer, some how, some way, I know it. I fit right in in that class, the whole thing is fascinating to me! Did you know you can make a camera out of pretty much anything? Well, an enclosed dark space, a controlled light-source, photo paper and something to use as your shutter. It's called pinhole photographer and it's wildly popular :) You can literally make one out of a soda can and capture the photo by using tape as your shutter! Gonna' be a summer break craft experiment for me :)

Once I learn even more, I'm gonna' try to take as many classes as possible. Possibly even one over the summer. I want to get better and better! And then y'all have to be my models for pictures mmkay? ;D

I hope you all had an amazing week and have a wonderful weekend! I can't wait to see y'all ladies next <3 p="">

My new favorite spring/summer look... baggy off the shoulder shirts with shorts. Gonna' thrift me some big t-shirts like these to mess with and make cute and comfy :)

This is pinhole photography :) cool huh?

This one as well. you can see the rim of the cup/can it's in! One of the clearer shots I've seen of pinhole photography. Some photographers dedicate their entire life's work to solely shooting like this :)

Gonna' look forward in prayer!

Decided that having anxiety isn't necessarily good. Well, no. It's NOT good at all.

Instead, I'm gonna' be turning that anxiety into fuel for prayer. Fuel for positive thinking, and eventually, complete optimism. I'm mostly optimistic; but school and life has kinda' made me pessimistic and bitter. Even within a few minutes of just thinking of how GOD wants me to handle situations, I felt a lot more at ease.

Mainly talking about design (as always, haha) and handling the people. The rude people, the people that leave me out, the fake ones. Even my closest friends in design that I want to reach out to. I'm going to pray for them instead of be closed off. Instead of be bitter or insecure about how Jasmine's treating me, I'm going to pray for her. Maybe try to reach out when I feel confident enough again.

Y'all don't know how much she hurt me by just treating me coldly last semester :( I know you guys think from your POV that she was awful, rude, etc., but we literally hung out all the time. Even though she teased me a lot, was inappropriate and sometimes just out there and rude with her teasing, I considered her a friend. Heck, a close friend. I saw her more than I saw my parents, really, or even you guys and Ethan. We stayed up super late all the time working on projects. We were empathy partners essentially, pulling each other through. We opened up to one another about crazy deep stuff. The list goes on.

Instead of withdrawing, I need to reach out. Find a way, somehow... I have something in mind. Even if we're just on talking terms again, when I feel like she doesn't totally hate my guts for whatever reason, I'd be fine. I'm not expecting things to go back as they were but, I don't want to entirely give up either. I want God to use this to help me get stronger in my faith of people, friendships and what I can do to love my enemies. I think it's all meant to be a test, that I just need to take head on. I'll have other friends on campus to lean on in weak moments or vent to, or talk to if my reaching out to her totally fails.

But I can't just give up! What would Jesus do, right? :)

I'm feeling so much more at peace now about school starting just thinking through all this. Of course, I'm a little anxious still, but eh, once it starts, I'll be used to it in no time, like old times... I have a three day weekend every week so that's a bonus ;) plus, I'm only taking 4 classes, three of which are project/design based, one is a lecture. But I have that lecture class with Sable!! I'm so excited, it'll be fun to have a friend in class again :)

Guys, I'm really sorry if I get negative so often. Please don't worry too much, I just have horrible mood swings. They usually aren't nearly as bad as I make them out to be >.<;; I know regardless you'll probably still worry, but whatever XD I love you all so dearly and am so insanely blessed <3 p="p">
I got new clothes today! Part of my Christmas presents was a "shopping" day with my mom since, well, she is clueless what to get me clothes wise and she knew I needed new stuff to start school with. It's really nice actually having fresh new clothes >.< I love thrift store shopping/Goodwill shopping (trust me!!) but, it's nice having new items too!

- Cardigans galore! = mint, blue/black w/ zippers, red (bargained!), white w/ black collar/detailing.
- Simple fitted tank tops = gray, light blue and red
- New black ankle boots (bargained!)
- New black stockings
- Two dresses = black and white striped cotton dress, A-Line (actually got this with a gift-card I got from Ethan's family), and an asymmetric, short-long cotton dress with mint colored under-layer and seashell pattern detail
- Reddish-brown, faux-leather jacket (bargained!)
- A nice faux leather blouse with embroidery/zipper detail = it reminded me of something from Final Fantasy *___* (it was a bargain, too!)

Lol, half of that stuff was bargained/clearance/sale items, so, I guess it's almost like thrifting anyway. XD What can I say, I can never say no to bargains O.O

Also, the 365 days challenge is going swell! I'm a couple days behind, not too bad though. I may try to post an art dump of each month onto my blog, haha. We'll see though. XD

Fresh clothes, fresh attitude, fresh spirit, and fresh start to a semester. I can't wait to see what this semester has in store! :) Love you all and take care!