Happy birthday to me.

I don't know.

Today's just been really lonely, and really boring... Alone all day 'til five, went to dinner, but then that was sort of my parents and brother being like "well, let's just go and then get back so we can watch the Thunder play and make sure the storms don't get us" so if I wanted to have more time out and about, I couldn't. Possible bad/dangerous weather kept us in all night and even then it was everyone doing their own thing.. just laying around the house.

I need to quit being like a little girl and hoping in birthdays to be magical and I need to start getting realistic. They're just any other day. When you're twenty, it's time to grow up, not make wishes.

Time that I learned this.

Nobody will break you.

"When your tears are spent on your last pretense
And your tired eyes refuse to close and sleep in your defense
When it's in your spine like you've walked for miles
And the only thing you want is just to be still for a while

If your heart wears thin I will hold you up
And I will hide you when it gets too much
I'll be right beside you

When you're overwhelmed and you've lost your breath
When the space between the things you know is blurry nonetheless
When you try to speak but you make no sound
And the words you want are out of reach but they've never been so loud

Trust in me, trust in me
Don't pull away
Just trust in me, trust in me
Cause I'm just trying to keep this together
Cause I could do worse and you could do better

Tears are spent on your last pretense
And your tired eyes refuse to close and sleep in your defense

If your heart wears thin I will hold you up
And I will hide you when it gets too much
I'll be right beside you
Nobody will break you."

Productive! :) Cosplay update, yet again.

I've actually gotten a lot done this week, or, since my last cosplay update post. :) Tomorrow I'll get even more done since we're having a cosplay work day practically all day, so that'll be exciting! However, I'll go ahead and cross some shtuff off the list here. Eventually I'll just completely take items off, some of these are getting longer than they actually need to be, haha.

Season 3 Watertribe Katara:
- Redo the leg and forearm armor.
- New Velcro for Necklace.
- New pendant clasp for necklace.
- Dry clean.
- Tannnn. 8D

Fire Nation Katara:
- Anklets, necklace and upper arm pieces need to be made.
- Paint braclets gold.
- Make necklace/choker
- Fire nation hair piece thingy needs to be made
- WORK OUT MORE Dx Abbbbssss.
- Make sure blue contacts I already have will still work ><
- Trim hair up
- Tannnn. 8D

KH2 Kairi:
- Repaint rubber on shoes to black (too chipped off).
- Find better belt for around waist.
- Buy new stone necklace.
- Touch up Kairi Keyblade

Formal Katara: DONE! <3

Malon:
- Make base skirt
- Make scarf
- Make base shirt
- Make apron thingy
- Find shoes?!
- Make belt
- Bowser broach & triforce belt buckle
- Order wig
- Order elf ears
- Re-make skirt
- Re-make scarf
- Trim on skirt
- Detail on shirt
- Detail/patterning on apron.

Rave Kairi:
- Sketch out/start planning ideas
- Buy TONS of glow in the dark stuff to work with!
- White, pale pink fabrics, etc ...

Decided to cancel out swim-wear Katara. Not enough tiiime! Dx UNLESS I can find a swimsuit that's similar-ish to it. I'll keep my eye out anyway, I guess.

Goals for this week list (from Sunday, 5/8/2011 to Friday, 5/13/2011):
- Start on Malon skirt trim
- Make Malon base shirt
- Order elf ears
- Dry clean Katara
- Work out EVERRYYYDAY 8D
- Start on/finish fire nation Katara necklace
- Tan some
- Schedule hair appointment

Goals for this upcoming week! (from tomorrow, Saturday 5/14/2011 to Saturday 5/21/2011)
- Re-make Malon skirt
- Start/finish Malon skirt trim
- Finish Malon apron
- Start on fabric painting details on Malon skirt & apron
- Finish Malon belt; buckle and everything
- Get hair trimmed
- Work out everyday! Drop another 3-5 pounds :)
- Tan
- Dry clean Katara
- Work on/finish Katara accessories

Ahahahaha... dance.

OH MAN. Convention summer is practically a-go. I'm sooooo excited! AKON and TnT are going to be a blast; especially with all my favorite people there. :'D

Which is another thing this blog was about. I just realized today (not like I didn't know all a long or anything, but it's like an epiphany or something XD) just how amazingly BLESSED I am with all my friends. Cheryl, Mattie (since you are the ones reading this) thank you so much for everything. For being two awesomely strong, wise, fun, unique and great Christian girls. I couldn't ask for better girlfriends! You always help me through things, whether it's self-esteem to boy problems to school stress.

Ever since my first blowout with friends early in high school, I'd always been weary about friends and who I trust. But you two gals are the perfect definition of the girlfriends I prayed for all along. :') We just get along so well and have a lot of fun together, but we all also help one another and are bound spiritually and emotionally too. It's just a huge blessing, and I'm really happy and grateful.. :)

Okay, so, I had to get that out there. I hope it didn't sound too corny or anything. Hahaha!

So, I'm doing pretty well with cosplays. I think. Hahaha! I'm excited to get them on a roll though! The few weeks before conventions are the best; working hard on cosplays, sometimes even frantically, but I wouldn't change a thing. Let's do this!


Isn't this adorable? We should totally have a cosplay slumber party post-con season to keep the funk and gloominess away! :D

Fire & rain.

"You,
me,
We're face to face
But we don't see eye to eye."

Cosplay update, 5/8/2011

Wuhhheewww, AKON is in roughly 4 weeks. 4 weeks! :O AAGGGGH. I don't feel ready...
But now that school is done, I can really work more and focus on it. I'm gonna' do this! >o< And try to relieve some stress by getting a lot knocked out before I have to start a job up again.. Buh.

Lesse! What is there to do?

Season 3 Watertribe Katara:
- Redo the leg and forearm armor.
- New Velcro for Necklace.
- New pendant clasp for necklace.
- Dry clean.
- Tannnn. 8D

Fire Nation Katara:
- Anklets, necklace and upper arm pieces need to be made.
- Paint braclets gold.
- Make necklace/choker
- Fire nation hair piece thingy needs to be made
- WORK OUT MORE Dx Abbbbssss.
- Make sure blue contacts I already have will still work ><
- Trim hair up
- Tannnn. 8D

KH2 Kairi:
- Repaint rubber on shoes to black (too chipped off).
- Find better belt for around waist.
- Buy new stone necklace.
- Touch up Kairi Keyblade

Formal Katara: DONE! <3

Malon:
- Make base skirt
- Make scarf
- Make base shirt
- Make apron thingy
- Find shoes?!
- Make belt
- Bowser broach & triforce belt buckle
- Order wig
- Order elf ears
- Modify skirt to fit better around waist.
- Trim on skirt
- Trim on shirt
- Detail/patterning on apron.

Rave Kairi:
- Sketch out/start planning ideas
- Buy TONS of glow in the dark stuff to work with!
- White, pale pink fabrics, etc ...

Decided to cancel out swim-wear Katara. Not enough tiiime! Dx

Goals for this week! (not including the weekend):
- Take in/modify Malon skirt to fit better
- Start on Malon skirt trim
- Make Malon base shirt
- Order elf ears
- Dry clean Katara
- Work out EVERRYYYDAY 8D
- Start on/finish fire nation Katara necklace
- Tan some
- Get hair trimmed

Dissapointment..

Even if I don't seem like it, I've been really upset/depressed with myself lately.. Only with myself really though, don't get me wrong. Everything else around me in life is great, and beautiful, and I'm very grateful for all I have, all my friends, family, experiences, etc...

However, I guess not all things at once could be just perfect or else you wouldn't really need to learn anything or push yourself harder, right? You would be ignorant and blind to the fact that there are hardships in life, whether brought upon by yourself or not.

So, right now what that is with me is my self-appearance/self-image. Not in JUST appearance though, but also in school/life in general I guess? It's hard to explain, but yeah.

First off, the self-appearance/image thing. I weighed myself today and I've gained a lot of weight these past couple of months... :/ *sigh* I'm heavier now than I've ever been, and that just really, really brought me down... There was a point in the semester where I went to the gym at school at LEAST 3 times a week, for about 2 hours at a time or so. Over spring break I worked out every day, and ate healthy. But, I guess because of the excess of school stress and overworking myself with nearly everything at once, I've also neglected myself it seems. I've been eating poorly, too much or too little, hardly exercising if ever, and have been depriving myself of sleep to work on projects or I'm just restless. Some days I'll eat a lot, and some days I'll be so busy, I can hardly eat, but when I do, I OVER eat..

I get lazy when I do have free time, so I usually eat or sleep or just ... sit there, sedentary. School life felt so busy and hectic, I rationalized saying "I should let myself eat out or eat something I like to make myself feel better", so, I would. I'd eat really late at night after working on a project, usually always fast food when I wasn't really hungry. I was trying to fill up and cover the void of disappointment in myself from KNOWING I let myself go. It's ironic how that cycle works; you know you're disappointed in yourself with your weight goals or health regime, so then you eat or stay resistant to fill that void but only end up furthering the disappointment.

Not only is it image, it's also just.. I dunno'. Student image? Does that count? I just found out I did pretty poorly on something I was pretty confident in (the Psychology paper, Cheryl) and that just struck my self-esteem down a notch or two. Like, really? Design constantly makes me competitive and hungry to do my best, so I even don't like getting B's, or not getting my work honored/chosen for this accreditation program going on in the fall semester.

All in all, it's like a heavy weight of disappointment. I feel like I've been really putting myself last on my list of "things to do and take care of". Or, if you look at it this way, I've been serving myself first instead of serving what God intends for me to be, which is my best health. My body is a temple, I shouldn't slowly destroy it like I am...

How I'm going to help myself:
- When I eat out: choose healthier choices.
- Drink more water, less soda. I need to eventually knock soda out entirely...
- Exercise EVERYDAY, at least once. At most, three times. I'll have more time now, there should be no excuse.
- Weigh in consistently to make sure I'm keeping track of myself instead of letting it go for so long.
- Get to sleep. No more late nights.
- Stay off the computer more: it creates a sedentary lifestyle for me I do not want to pursue. :/
- Remain just more active in general.

How YOU can help me:
- Accountability. I seriously need this if I'm going to achieve my goal to get back on the right track, if not better. I need you all to be harsh with me if you need to, make me feel guilty if I choose something I shouldn't for all I care. Or, just remind me of my goal, what I should be doing... Check in on me. I may hate it at the moment, but it'll teach me. It'll help me learn. \
- Encouragement helps. I feel weird asking for this, but, encouragement and kind words really helps motivate me more. Not saying you guys don't, but, yeah. Keep it up then, I guess? haha.
- Honesty. PLEASE. Be honest with me. This goes around accountability too, I guess.
- Prayers. So I can get over this harsh view on myself. I can't see myself as fat or ugly or whatever, even if I feel like it, if I tell myself that/see myself like that, I'll never get better.

It's getting to the point of me doubting whether I should even attempt Fire nation Katara this summer... Which really depresses me, since that cosplay is almost done, and I've been so excited for it for so long.

Thanks for reading guys.

Is it right...

... rejoicing in someone's death so much that it's almost an act of patriotism?

Yes, I understand what Osama Bin Laden has done to this country, to so many innocent people... it was horrifying, it was very wrong, cruel, it sickens me thinking about it.. and maybe, no, most definitely, his death does give some justice and resolution to those that lost loved ones because of his leadership in the terrorism attacks on our country..

But what about forgiveness?

God gives us sinners grace everyday, yet we rejoice and cheer and point the finger of "sin and blame" towards just one man. Is it alright to say there's a "special place in hell" for just one person based on their specific sin that seems "worse" than everyone else's? That seems awful to me, honestly... inhumane, unforgiving...I don't know. Sometimes I think America is so focused on themselves, of course they'd rejoice the death of a man that had once hurt them.

I'm just playing devil's advocate here, if you will. Let's all just think about what we're doing; rejoicing over someone's death... rejoicing over them "being in hell", as I have heard some say...

Sometimes in this world, I just wish I could hide away somewhere else less cruel and unforgiving, or just be with God and Him only and see Him and have Him just explain everything to me... to know how to feel about these things. Until then, this hurt in my heart instead of "rejoicing" makes me believe that we should feel hurt and saddened for Osama that he wasn't saved. That his judgement is hell... and that he can't experience the beauty of Heaven. We should be sad he never saw God's love for Him, that he's been driven to that point of cruelty and killing...

I guess, in general, it's a hard feeling to decipher.