Tuesday, May 8, 2012

And summer awakens.

Hey ladies!

This is probably my only good time to really get a blog in before the craziness of the start of my summer takes over me.

I'm going to my final meeting about NYC tomorrow, and then I leave on SUNDAY! Aaah! I'm nervous, excited, scared, ready, not ready, but totally stoked. I mean, it is just visiting -- but I guess the nervousness and other stuff comes from just the large city, and how much independence they're actually giving us. Like, we get to free-roam if we want after our daily activities. We'll be traveling around a lot and seeing a lot of things, learning a lot of things. I know I'm going into an extremely lost world though, a city full of worldly things. I mean, every place has that -- but NYC has so much of it, and it is all crammed into one small area, bursting up from the ground into the skies. Oklahoma is so sheltered and conservative, this may be a bit of stimulation overload. I think I'm also feeling nervous cause I'll be traveling with design students, who I know, but most of them are rather vulgar, not really... Christian-like, I guess. Sometimes it's hard to be around them, and I don't fit in. It will be a different crowd for sure.

However, I think it will be good for me -- to break away from the blinders of being sheltered here and into a world much more diverse. Just be praying for me that everything goes smoothly and that everyone remains safe! As well as having a very informational and educational trip, as well as just fun and memorable. :)

Right after that it's a more relaxing trip, Florida with my parents. I'm excited to have a vacation with them finally! We haven't gone on a nice-sized family vacation in a while. We'll probably be gone a week-ish? If not that, just short of a week. I think we have a bed and breakfast-condo-y thing right near the beach too. If so, I'm going to be living out on that sand for a good few days. I'm going to bring some books to read, and work on drawings. I'm also going to get a new Bible study to start when I'm there. I want to take this time to really re-focus I guess. School and college life, even during the summer, is so distracting. But if I get re-focused and strengthened, I can get back on track. And especially before AKON, I want to have the right mindset and my mind on God.

I'm finally moved in to my new-temp apartment, and I did a good chunk of packing/organizing/rearranging today, but will finish the rest tomorrow. Ugh, I have too much stuff. I need to go through some of it and sell it/donate it, lol. It's seriously ridiculous.

I'm sorry this blog is so long, but I do want to share another thing that kind of happened recently.

Only really Cheryl knew a lot of the details, but, Ethan and I were extremely close to breaking up over the weekend, and sort of hit an ultimate low in our relationship. Things for a month or so have felt so tense, forced, cold and distant between the two of us. I was always traveling out there if I wanted to see him, he was usually pretty distant towards me when we were together anyway. He hardly looked at me the same anymore, and wouldn't even hold my hand or touch me. O

n top of just not being open at all, and being extremely mysterious, he was just always distracted by his craftwork and cosplay stuff. I was getting so depressed and insecure about if he even felt anything for me anymore, and when we talked about it all for the first time on Thursday, he said that he was realizing dating wasn't all it was "cracked up to be". He felt like our relationship had gone stale, and even that conversation he was just sort of cold and distant. But like when I'd ask him "do you want this" he wouldn't say "no", he said he didn't want to break up, but it never felt sincere, you know? Like he was just telling me what I wanted to hear.

Sunday rolled around, and he ended up not helping me move out. He wanted to "spend the day doing nothing" really, which meant for him, just being at his house and doing his own thing. But he didn't even want to try to help me (which ended up being a stressful move out that my parents had to sacrifice their day for) sort of... tipped everything over the edge. I was devastated, and after talking to my mom about it, realized that breaking up may be an option I needed to consider. But that since Ethan didn't seem to be the one to do it (though she was sure he wanted to anyway) I had to, even if that's not what I  wanted.

When I asked to talk to Ethan on Monday, he sort of clued in to what it was about, but said it was alright that we talk. All Monday morning/afternoon I felt defeated, tired, depressed. I cried a lot, to the point where it hurt and I was exhausted. I didn't get anything done except stress and get anxious about our talk. I prayed to God that I did not want to do it, but that I knew I probably needed to. I prayed that whatever happened when we talked, that it would be what God intended. All I felt from God was that there was better to come, despite how horrible I was feeling now. I didn't know if that meant leaving Ethan, moving on, finding someone else. Or if it meant fighting through our struggles and growing closer and stronger together spiritually and within our relationship. It had to be either one way or another -- just a "break" or half-hearted trying wouldn't do. I knew I was willing to fight and try -- but I didn't know where Ethan stood. I knew though, that I had to accept whatever outcome. And on the way over there, my heart and mind had finally clicked into that mode that whatever outcome, I knew it was God's intention.

I wrote everything in a letter, showed up. My stomach was in knots, my eyes were stinging from all my crying, and my whole body ached. A huge weight was on me -- what if this wasn't the right thing? What if it would only devastate us both? I just wanted fight for it, but what if Ethan was done trying? I thought all the signs from him were pointed towards wanting to move on, but even so, everything felt so shrouded in mystery. When I saw him standing at the door, waiting for me, something felt different -- he was smiling, but not in a forced or un-genuine way. It was in a peaceful way, or almost just like he was happy to see me. It's hard to explain, but upon seeing it, it wasn't what I expected

We drove out to the ruins, and sat down, and talked. I had written everything out in a letter, but I sort of started off the conversation with what he was thinking and feeling.

He said, "Sad and confused".

"What about?"

He was sort of hesitant, but looked at me. "If it's worth continuing on how we've been doing things." From there on, we delved more into what exactly we were doing, how we were going about things. We talked about how we both had changed. He admitted and confessed to some selfish feelings, that sort of cracked my exterior and I just broke down. He came over and comforted me, putting his arm around me and remaining close, which also was something I wasn't expecting. I don't know why, but I felt like he'd only be distant the whole conversation. However, I still read him the letter and was able to make it through enough. After I read it all, he was quiet. When I made eye contact with him though, it was like... I saw the change. I saw the switch.

"I understand... everything now," he told me. In the letter, I had addressed how everything had been tearing me apart. The mystery, the confusion, my confidence, his actions and lack of trying. Why I was so short tempered or moody, etc. I elaborated on what I was frustrated with; I apologized for anything I could have done. I addressed everything, eloquently and fluidly, for writing is the only way I can do so anyway.

"I was honestly scared and depressed thinking about it, the idea of loss, the idea of loss of what we have and of you," he told me. He had thought on it all day, the idea of breaking up, and knew that that was not what he wanted. He told me then, sincerely, that he wanted to try harder. He said we both need to be more open with one another in general, in the moment, instead of letting things build up. He apologized for all he put me through, and promised that he was going to try harder. I told him that we can't keep doing this though; half-hearted trying and then just masking everything with shallow distractions. I told him if it ever gets this bad again, it has to end. Cause then it's obviously not meant to be.

After that, I felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders. We then just talked about other facets of our relationship; selfish feelings we wanted to confess that we held in our hearts, and how we've failed to be spiritually strong in our relationship, only giving in to desires and worldly things. This led to us not looking out for one another and only being selfish, as well as not feeling protected and trustworthy of the person we were with BECAUSE of that selfishness we helped generate. It's weird, but it reminds me of the parallel Aang makes in Avatar XD The two headed viper or whatever -- if you allow any sort of poison to sink into you or your relationship, it's hurting BOTH people.

So after all that we hung out for a little bit, and things just felt... good. Relieved. Better. Back to normal, back to before we ever really had major problems. Back to when we were just happy to be in one another's company. I feel like we seriously overcame an obstacle and, if he and I live up to our promises to one another, we will become even stronger as a couple. When I was leaving, he was very sweet to me, and it felt genuine. And even today, he surprised me in Edmond (even though I was technically at my parents house, though since he was surprising me, he had no way of knowing XD;; but he came by there anyway, haha). He's already talking to me more, and even through texting I can just tell a difference.

IDK it's hard to explain. Haha, I know a lot of you guys are just protective of me, and have seen how upset he's caused me before. So you probably don't want to give him the benefit of the doubt just yet, or trust him entirely yet, and that's understandable. I wanted all this out in the open though as a way of accountability as well, in case it was to ever get bad again, I want you all to know to hold me to my word instead of just letting it all happen again and letting myself further into this cycle. I can't expect things to be PERFECT between us now, and I don't want you guys to either -- Lara's boyfriend Cody had a great example, how guys should treat their girlfriends like princesses 95% of the time, cause 5% of the time they're just being stupid and everyone has their days and moments. I even have my days too. But even so, it's going to be worked through differently now that we understand each other more and have everything out in the open. I have a really good feeling about everything.

And it only reminds me of God's grace, patience and blessing. I was willing to let this go, and I knew there was better ahead, and I understood that, but obviously God blessed us and gave us grace within our relationship. Seriously, we don't deserve it. I need to remind myself how grateful I am to have such a loving God, who is there to encourage and strengthen and guide me, and most of all, love me most deeply and eternally.

The Thursday night (the first night Ethan and I talked), when things didn't get settled as well and just started feeling worse, I was driving home late at night, and was just crying feeling defeated and hopeless. Tired, confused. I was praying, "God, I don't know what to do about this anymore". And then on the radio, AIR1, there was a segment that played about dating relationships. They were featuring a song, "Ships in the Night", which about a couple that was disenchanted with one another and struggling to pass by and keep things strong. However, through constant faith, patience and loyalty, couples can over-come their struggles and grow closer to one another through the trials of fire, and grow closer to God as well. I just felt that strong feeling of God's presence and arms around me, and I just burst into tears.

As I'm writing this, in reflection of my blessing of the unexpected turn-out of everything, I remembered this story, this small moment that happened and affected me, but then was buried when turmoil was still occurring.

Now it's coming back as a reminder of sorts: "Look at what I was telling you, Meghan" I hear Him saying.

"Look at what I was telling you."