Sunday, June 26, 2011

Giving you your space.

I feel nothing but clingy lately, or always wanting to be with you, probably too much. Always texting or talking to you, wanting to hang out, go out and do something, etc.... I don't know how you're feeling about it, but, I will give you your space. I see you are tired constantly and feel drained from work, but you never can turn me down if I ask, that's why I see what I need to do and that's NOT ask and not inquire for your company as often. I am not upset with you, or angry, or hurt. It's nothing like that really; it's me knowing what I can do to help you instead. it's an odd feeling of acceptance and hope that with more time apart, we'll only become closer and grow through this.

I can't tell you all of this because then you will try to sweep in like you always do, and make me feel "better"; you'll feel bad, you'll take what I'm saying as me being upset with you and you'll try to overcorrect. No, that's okay; I know you too well now, so I know I can't tell you this.

This Sunday has been very peaceful so far; I went to church, then had a comfortable and yummy sandwich lunch at home with my parents. I sat outside for a bit afterwards and soaked up the sun, feeling it engulf me and warm my body. I think later on I'll do some drawing, or read, do a quiet time, and just relax the rest of the day away; take this time of more distance to really have some me-time, and peace and quiet.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Comin' home.

Seeing this dance made me nearly cry; I don't know why, but something about military soldiers reuniting with their loved ones, families, spouses, friends, whoever, always gets to me, even though I've never dealt with it personally. I just can't imagine that agony of having your husband or fiance or something being out of the country for a year, or two years, everyday a risk of him never returning... So to see him finally step off a plane; your soldier, handsome and grateful and alive and smiling, those feelings of overwhelming relief, love and gratitude couldn't be described. I can just see it in wives' faces when they see them come home; how they leap into their arms and almost never want to let go.

GAAAH! It's so beautiful. Just like this dance is, man. Talk about language of the soul.

This is also probably my favorite style of dance; lyrical hip-hop. It's just so moving, and so powerful and strong, but so beautiful and soft at the same time. Contemporary and ballet and jazz is great at it's own time (sometimes harder to understand), but lyrical hiphop has just always fascinated me the most. It's still expressive without being too abstract, and it always tells a story. Heck, even normal hip-hop is amazing; nothing but raw energy and excitement and performing. I love it! I'm so excited for intermediate hip-hop in the fall.

On top of it, the choreographers of that piece dub themselves "NappyTabs" short for Napoleon and Tabitha, a married couple who dance hip-hop together. Their choreography is soooo genius, their concepts stunning and their emotional storytelling through such a strong dance style is timeless. Probably my favorite choreographers.

Here's some more of their work. :)

Thursday, June 23, 2011

For you only.

If I could sum today up in an illustration...

that feeling when you stretch really well after a warm nap and a productive, but very good day. Extending your arms and slowly pulling back your neck, you feel each sinewy muscle curling and yawning and then relaxing and sighing as you slump over onto a freshly napped on pillow. You just sigh a little, a groggy smile donning your lips. After tons of emotional, spiritual, mental, and physical stress of the past few weeks, just about feeling tired and upset in every way, this moment of simplicity and contentment is well desired and finally mine to hold.

The past few weeks since even before AKON, and after AKON especially, have been really hard. My heart hadn't been right with God, I was just constantly down on myself, I was holding idols above God, stressing out constantly, work was a lot of tiring manual labor or tedious tasks that went on forever, my relationships were struggling...

But now my heart is in the right place I think. After tons of tears, prayer and crying out to God, I'm turning to God more and focusing less on idols. I'm finally enjoying cosplay again and conventions because I'm NOT going to be down on myself, I'm just going to have fun and work hard. I'm prioritizing and getting chores done, not putting things off, working harder at work, trying to encourage more and be less negative. My relationship is finally on solid ground again, better than it's been in a long while. I'm figuring things out, growing more mature spiritually, mentally and emotionally and I'm going to fight hard to keep growing and keep at this pace all summer instead of giving into worldly desires and the Devil's enchantments.

Aah! It feels good to be able to finally say all of that

In other, less serious news... Things are going pretty well right now. With my last paycheck, I bought, like, $50 of stuff from Vintage Stock! Gah! So now I'm trying to be more frugal and save/spend less throughout the week 'til I get paid again. However, I did buy Pokemon Black for the DS finally and I LOVE IT! Wow, the graphics and gameplay have come sooooo, so far from Pokemon Yellow, haha! It is weird how far the generations of Pokemon have gone, but playing the games is really the only way I'm even into Pokemon anymore; nothing beats the original 150, however, I'm open-minded to the other games. Now that I have employee discounts, I may invest more into video games since I miss gaming so much. I kind of need to anyway, so I can be better at explaining/selling games at work.

I've been cleaning my room too; I'm tempted to just start tearing through stuff and selling it, donating it or just tossing it. Like, one of those fresh clean starts and clean outs that will be symbolic of everything going on in my life. I also need to reorganize decorations and stuff; add more shelves to my walls, take down some posters, change up the pictures in picture frames. It's kind of exciting and a project I look forward to, as nerdy as that sounds, haha.

I also need to start getting back into drawing.. I've been seriously not really doing it much, or practicing, or coloring much. *sigh* I miss it too and want to! So I'm going to make myself do that this summer, within these next couple of weeks just tear through my art book and finish things. Speaking of finishing things, there's anime and manga and books on my shelves that need finishing... I definitely shouldn't complain about having nothing to do this summer!

Thursday, June 16, 2011

For the sea will swallow up the mountains.

How long will it take to get over this? How could someone I care about so much, and someone I thought cared so much about me, do that to me? It's hard to sit here and fathom forgiveness and understanding when I felt so hurt and practically betrayed. And the fact it had happened similarly once before this and it still happened again, drives the knife in deeper.

Distracted by the convention, I never realized how much it hurt me. I made myself cheer up and be fine so I wouldn't bring down anyone else, so I would enjoy the convention. And it worked. But in the silence, in the stillness, in thoughts of him, of that moment.. it all comes back. It's that image that I can't get out of my mind. It's that moment of completely lack of thought for my feelings and how much his decisions could hurt me. Every girl that would come up to him and giddily hug him always hurt bit by bit; I'd laugh it off, joke it off. But now this? This? How do I know he won't let this happen again? He promised before nothing like that would happen, and it still did.

It pains me to think that a part of me honestly can't trust him. His lack of attention to my feelings; his pride and ego with girls fawning over him. For all I know, his humble and sweet smiles could all be an act. That moment shattered my self esteem; that moment shattered half of what I knew of him. What if it happens again? That mindset he had in that moment is the mindset that jump-starts affairs and cheating and lies and deception. The thought of "Oh, it won't hurt her that much" or "maybe she won't see", or the absence of thought at all, is what drives people away from one another.

All these thoughts in a split second: "Am I no longer special to him now that he's willing to give that away so easily?" or "He must think she's worthy and pretty enough to let her kiss him on the cheek..." or "Why is he doing that?! Does he not see me?!" Or "maybe I'm nothing to him anymore... some item, some placement while he's waiting for something better."

And I know; none of those things may even be true. I know he's a wonderful guy. But I honestly at this point doubt if he cares for me as much as I care for him... it's almost like it has to be proven to me. Like we have to start over, point one again, and everything, or anything, or even nothing, could happen. He completely broke my heart, honestly for the first time, and it's going to take a while to really repair and feel right again...

I guess I need to vent it out through writing, when I can truly organize my thoughts. Thanks for reading.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

A heavy weight lifted.

For the past month or so, I've been drifting so terribly from God. It got to the point of complacency and not almost realizing it was happening when it was getting worse and worse. I've been focused so much on cosplay and conventions, and relationships and having fun and working that I was ignoring the thing most important; God, and seeking a closer relationship with him.

All I know, is my heart is not in cosplay. It's not in conventions, it's not in a job. It's not in hobbies and buying things or wearing a cool outfit. It's not in comfort things like food or sleeping in, being lazy on a Saturday, going out with friends all the time. It's not in any relationship. All of those things will nevery fully satisfy me and POSSIBLY give me the love that God gives me. Sure, I love cosplay and conventions, they're my favorite hobbies probably. I love drawing, writing, sewing, reading, fashion, etc... I'm having so much fun at my job, I like dressing up every now and then. I adore my friends and all my relationships; I love them all dearly. However, even such beautiful and good things and fun things can become idols, and that's what's happened to me recently.

I rationalized, saying, "Oh, it's not like drinking or sex. I'm fine" but honestly, an idol is an idol. God sees no different. A good friend gave me wise advice, saying that "God doesn't see someone's sin as what its specifics are; He only sees it as taking one step away from Him and that's it." When he told me that, that hit me hard; taking steps away from God. Lately, I've been practically leaping in the opposite direction from God, completely ignorant. I'd still judge people and be condescending, thinking I'm better than them because I'm not some pregnant girl, or I'm not having sex, or I'm not getting drunk all the time. However, who am I to turn my nose up when I'm sitting around, a complacent Christian not constantly seeking after God? I have NO room to judge. For God is the ultimate judge.

Anyway, tonight at church was amazing; it was what I needed to hear. I went in with this weight of guilt and conviction that had finally hit me. I peeked open my heart just a little bit to what God could say, and He just ripped the doors of my heart down and stormed in, taking me in His arms and telling me to LISTEN. It was about prayer and how we need to give things up to God and pray fervently, crying out to God, like Elijah, who's prayers were consistently answered. Elijah was fervent and active in his prayer life, and his prayers were faithfully answered almost immediately. Our youth pastor had us get in groups, but I just prayed by myself in silence because I knew I needed to do that first.

Mainly he told us to pray for forgiveness or give up any feelings or words we've been holding onto that would keep us from clearly speaking to God and being genuine. Lately before I felt so convicted with these feelings, I'd just sort of, "Okay, yeah, whatever" fake pray, or just pray but not feel much; however, this time was different. The tears instantly started rolling, and my heart hurt; in my mind, I was yelling and crying out to God, crying for forgiveness for my complacency, impatience, my spiritual light flickering, not being on fire for Him at all.. not pursuing Him at all, and putting other things before Him entirely. It was such a strong emotional and spiritual reaction, plus the feeling that I was literally crying out to God, that I was sobbing rather hard. I must've needed to let it all out.

It all felt so good though, afterwords. It's extremely hard coming before God, but after drifting for so long I'd only continue down that downward spiral and just spiral out of control entirely. However, praying and crying and having some alone time with God truly gave me that moment to give it all to him, and lift that weight of guilt and conviction off my shoulders. I am a stubborn person, not wanting to give into confrontation easily; however, confrontation isn't really something you deal with God. It's more like he will get your attention one way or another, how you choose -- or if you choose -- to hear Him, produces the certain outcome. I knew I needed to heed His conviction, and I feel closer to Him now because of it. Also talking with my good friend afterwards, God just kept blessing me by speaking through him things I needed to hear, and it felt good to have a good, spiritual conversation after the world had been keeping me down so long.

I felt the need to blog about this as a physical record of another God intervention in my life. It truly did feel like a moment that I'll remember; crying out to God in my heart, and feeling Him bless me and quiet me down, cradling me gently and telling me "It'll be okay".

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Motivation to do, ability to not.

Gah, I hate the lovely irony of how when you injure yourself or are incapable of really functioning normally, you have ALL the motivation and desire in the world to be super productive and get things done.

My neck injury is seriously annoying -- how is it I've done marching band, dance classes, hip hop, modern, jazz, tumbled and fallen tons of times, twerked my body in weird ways tons of times.. yet, I hurt my neck and back the most simply by SLEEPING on it wrong? Same thing happened with my knee -- I dislocated it awfully just by WALKING. What the heck, Meghan!

*sigh* Oh well. Like I said... maybe it's a God thing literally stopping me in my tracks to keep me from constantly going. I need to just be still and calm and allow my neck and back to heal. I really hope that's soon though; I had to call in to work once already and I don't want to have to do it again, or even see the doctor if I can avoid it... As well as, I REALLY hope it's healed by AKON.

So now I'm just sitting in bed with a heating bad on my neck/back area, and it feels really nice.. but, I'd love to be working on cosplay or getting things ready for AKON, or cleaning my room, drawing, anything.. within the next couple hours I'll try to be productive I guess and see how I'm feeling.

Well, I guess this blog was kinda' pointless. Oh well, it helped me kill a few minutes I guess. AKON soon, GAAH!

Friday, June 3, 2011

I want to go to the beach.

Or the mountains, a forest, a crystal cavern in a rock...

I wish I was going on some sort of relaxing vacation this summer. Conventions are fun and all, but, they're always going with tons to do and tons of people. Something relaxing and meditative would be nice; perfect for isolation, reading and thinking, as well as growing closer to God and being still in silence. Maybe I can convince my parents or something; it's been about two years or so since a vacation like that. A beach would be excellent though; I love being near the water, feeling it swamp my ankles, sand between my toes... It's so relaxing and soothing, I feel drenched in peace and inspiration.

Ah well, sometime soon I hope. :)

Other than that, AKON is right around the bend! When did this happen? It always felt like something far away, that we'd always be counting down the days too; now it's here! I think all our stress and time we're putting into it will be worth it though. However, we should definitely learn from this experience and not stress ourselves out so much again, haha. Conventions are fun and all, but they shouldn't turn into a job or run our lives or anything.

I'm feeling more confident in my fire nation Katara cosplay. I'm still working out everyday from now 'til AKON though as hardcore as possible to burn off as much fat as possible, and tone. Hopefully by TnT I'll be even closer to my goal!

Admist all of these upcoming conventions, I'm also thinking about Izumicon already, is that awful? Haha! I'm very excited to have a table to sell art, but, I need to get to drawing/coloring this summer or I'll hardly have anything decent to sell, aah! I need to train myself on fast drawing too for commissions sake. We'll do a lot better this go around and really tackle artist's alley the right way, yes Cheryl?! Yes. :)

So You Think You Can Dance? has started up again and I'm addicted already. SUCH beautiful dancers and all types of styles, aah! It makes me really excited for hip-hop in the fall, but also, I really want to dip my toe into some contemporary or modern classes again; it's such a beautiful and expressive style, I truly adore it. Also, ballroom dancing -- I'm going to try to make Ethan take classes with me, however, that may be easier said than done... Oh well, might as well try right?!

That's all, folks!

PS: I'm lying in bed rather lazily right now, not because of choice, because of no choice. Last night I did one of those "sleep on my neck awkwardly and horribly wrong" I guess, cause this morning I woke up to searing pain and stiffness, and now I can hardly move my neck/head or even twist my back. Even my arms are weak. *sigh* I tried getting up to walk and just got dizzy and sick feeling, and started hyperventilating.

So now I'm just lying in bed with my laptop. I almost think it's a God intervention thing -- I've been going non-stop all week, either working or going out for cosplay days, I prayed last night that everything could just work out as well as calm down, that I could hear Him more clearly through it all, and I guess he literally stopped me to get my attention. It's kind of cool in a wt really -- prayers are answered not necessarily how you would originally think, but God does answer them. So today is all about not really doing anything, resting, and listening to God. I'll probably try some reading too, maybe also catch up on anime. Just be still and calm. I think it's needed.

Aah, I'd love for my hair to be that long..!