For the past month or so, I've been drifting so terribly from God. It got to the point of complacency and not almost realizing it was happening when it was getting worse and worse. I've been focused so much on cosplay and conventions, and relationships and having fun and working that I was ignoring the thing most important; God, and seeking a closer relationship with him.
All I know, is my heart is not in cosplay. It's not in conventions, it's not in a job. It's not in hobbies and buying things or wearing a cool outfit. It's not in comfort things like food or sleeping in, being lazy on a Saturday, going out with friends all the time. It's not in any relationship. All of those things will nevery fully satisfy me and POSSIBLY give me the love that God gives me. Sure, I love cosplay and conventions, they're my favorite hobbies probably. I love drawing, writing, sewing, reading, fashion, etc... I'm having so much fun at my job, I like dressing up every now and then. I adore my friends and all my relationships; I love them all dearly. However, even such beautiful and good things and fun things can become idols, and that's what's happened to me recently.
I rationalized, saying, "Oh, it's not like drinking or sex. I'm fine" but honestly, an idol is an idol. God sees no different. A good friend gave me wise advice, saying that "God doesn't see someone's sin as what its specifics are; He only sees it as taking one step away from Him and that's it." When he told me that, that hit me hard; taking steps away from God. Lately, I've been practically leaping in the opposite direction from God, completely ignorant. I'd still judge people and be condescending, thinking I'm better than them because I'm not some pregnant girl, or I'm not having sex, or I'm not getting drunk all the time. However, who am I to turn my nose up when I'm sitting around, a complacent Christian not constantly seeking after God? I have NO room to judge. For God is the ultimate judge.
Anyway, tonight at church was amazing; it was what I needed to hear. I went in with this weight of guilt and conviction that had finally hit me. I peeked open my heart just a little bit to what God could say, and He just ripped the doors of my heart down and stormed in, taking me in His arms and telling me to LISTEN. It was about prayer and how we need to give things up to God and pray fervently, crying out to God, like Elijah, who's prayers were consistently answered. Elijah was fervent and active in his prayer life, and his prayers were faithfully answered almost immediately. Our youth pastor had us get in groups, but I just prayed by myself in silence because I knew I needed to do that first.
Mainly he told us to pray for forgiveness or give up any feelings or words we've been holding onto that would keep us from clearly speaking to God and being genuine. Lately before I felt so convicted with these feelings, I'd just sort of, "Okay, yeah, whatever" fake pray, or just pray but not feel much; however, this time was different. The tears instantly started rolling, and my heart hurt; in my mind, I was yelling and crying out to God, crying for forgiveness for my complacency, impatience, my spiritual light flickering, not being on fire for Him at all.. not pursuing Him at all, and putting other things before Him entirely. It was such a strong emotional and spiritual reaction, plus the feeling that I was literally crying out to God, that I was sobbing rather hard. I must've needed to let it all out.
It all felt so good though, afterwords. It's extremely hard coming before God, but after drifting for so long I'd only continue down that downward spiral and just spiral out of control entirely. However, praying and crying and having some alone time with God truly gave me that moment to give it all to him, and lift that weight of guilt and conviction off my shoulders. I am a stubborn person, not wanting to give into confrontation easily; however, confrontation isn't really something you deal with God. It's more like he will get your attention one way or another, how you choose -- or if you choose -- to hear Him, produces the certain outcome. I knew I needed to heed His conviction, and I feel closer to Him now because of it. Also talking with my good friend afterwards, God just kept blessing me by speaking through him things I needed to hear, and it felt good to have a good, spiritual conversation after the world had been keeping me down so long.
I felt the need to blog about this as a physical record of another God intervention in my life. It truly did feel like a moment that I'll remember; crying out to God in my heart, and feeling Him bless me and quiet me down, cradling me gently and telling me "It'll be okay".