Sunday, October 30, 2011

Quiet righteousness.

I know this is a double post, but seriously, the day is finally over and I'm relieved.

I'm reposting this as a slight rant on people and how rude they can be, as well as a deepened admiration and love for Ethan's character that I'm sometimes blindsided by.

He came over earlier, to keep me company while I worked on design. I had to go to the Mac lab and do some scanning/printing, so we walked down there together obviously. While we were walking, these two black guys were walking in front of us/towards us. They were kind of laughing and I had that weird feeling like they weren't too good or something, but I passed it off, not wanting to be judgmental based on how they were acting or looking at us. Me and Ethan were just talking, when suddenly, one of the guys just rammed right into Ethan, really intentionally, like shoulder first, really pushing him. Ethan sort of bumped into me in ricochet, and made a noise of shock, and had a stunned look on his face. The black guys started laughing and we just stared at them, and he was like "OH, man, I'm totally sorry, he pushed me (he was referencing to his friend with him) you should totally (pardon my French, this is merely a quote) kick his ass, man". And they were laughing and staggering away.

I felt this sudden rush of terror and anger and I was trembling I wanted to yell and scream at them so badly. Probably something I would've regretted. I looked to Ethan and asked if he was okay, and he seemed fine, and said he was, but I was so, so bothered by it. All through printing I was, I just felt really angry and then really scared at the same time; they were purposely trying to hurt Ethan, or start a fight. What if one of them had a knife? They would've, and could've, severely stabbed him and tried to mug him. Even though it was on campus, it was dark outside, not many witnesses... it could've turned into something way serious. Those basic intentions were there; any drunker, and any angrier, they could've seriously hurt Ethan and I.

And that scared the crap out of me, and made me even angrier.

I started regretting NOT saying something. On our way to get some food, we were talking about it more and I was just ranting and spilling my guts. However, I totally saw God in Ethan when we stopped and he just said "You just have to be the better person; starting a fight wouldn't have done anything." Basically, he showed them grace; he could've been easily angered, he could've said something, done something, felt something. But he just brushed it off and kept walking, making them look like fools. He said that himself "if anything, I made them feel embarrassed by not reacting". I just stared at him in awe; here I was, ranting and complaining and being sort of rude and insulting towards them because they hurt him, and Ethan's not saying one word bad about them.

In that moment, I just sort of gazed at him in awe, in a small, still silence, and felt this peace and contentment I hadn't felt in a while. Sometimes I feel like being "righteous" means being a great leader and standing up for what's right; fighting back and all that jazz. However, there's a quiet, still righteousness that few possess; the ability to be totally shoved, and even though you're stunned and offended, you don't do anything back and just continue walking. Choosing your battles, thinking intellectually over just raw emotions. It's something I needed to learn; something I needed to take in.

Something I know Ethan can teach me.

It was a sort of scary experience, but at the same time, I felt like it was a God thing; seeing that happen, seeing how Ethan reacted, everything he said, and feeling how I do now... it's all like a lesson learned. A revelation of sorts; there must be patience in this world. Giving others grace, giving yourself grace; having that quiet righteousness to choose your battles, but let others slide. Not instantly snapping in reaction with anger or emotion, but thinking things through; understanding tomorrow is another day. Ethan's constantly saying he always has things he's grateful for, that he has everything he needs; he's truly not greedy, or needy. He's content, he's peaceful, he loves solitude; these are all such beautiful things about him that I never really thought of until now.. well, I knew them, but God is constantly reminding me.

*sigh* God really knows what to use to teach you; I think He's been trying to tell me this for so long, but I've been not understanding or realizing it. So He uses Ethan because He knows that He can get to me, through him. I think that's really cool though when you can learn from a relationship from one another; that it's on a deeper level than just having fun, or intimacy. It gives me peace in my heart. How God can use certain situations that we never thought He'd speak in, and make them really impacting.

Vulnerability and Halloween.

So I realize when I'm tired or stressed, I'm super unbelievably vulnerable to my emotions. I feel like this is something that's more recent, for in the past I never really felt like this; however, in the past (like, high school times and early college, for example) I was not up NEAR as late, or long working on stuff or working and doing school, or just feeling overwhelmed with projects. I need to really learn how to reel it all in and just control it and cope better instead of reacting to the smallest things.

Anyway, this weekend was really fun, but it went by too fast! Cheryl's party was absolutely lovely and amazing; great food, great atmosphere, lovely company.... *sigh* So wonderful! Then Saturday I got to wake up and go take senior pictures for Terry, with Amy and Dixie along with me so that was really fun! We hit up downtown and the weather was beautiful! I love photoshoots, they're such a blast. I wish I could live solely off of photography, that'd be freaking amazing. After that I ate lunch with the Stewarts, and then darted to work, where I got to dress up in costume :D I went as Malon, and when I got there Sable was getting off from her morning shift, and she was dressed as Aeris! Her costume was so well done, she made such a pretty Aeris! <3 The other two guys that I worked with that evening were sort of dressed up, but I was definitely fully decked out, haha. A lot of kids stared at me like "O_____O" cause of my ears/firey red-orange hair, and most people either recognized me, or didn't say anything. One guy even thought I was from Star Trek. BAHA!

Then today I woke up this morning and went to work all day, this time dressed as Katara -- that was certainly fun! I got to work with Sable, who did the Pokemon White Pokemon trainer, Touko :3 We were recognized a lot more today, but still, being in costume at a convention is way more fun, because you'er constantly recognized and complimented on your hardwork or accuracy. Most people that came in that recognized me was just like "cool costume" and that's it. XD I guess I'm used to convention freaker-outers, and fangirls/fanboys. Oh well, that's what conventions are for I guess. I was pretty tired after work though and was very glad to change out of it and come back home.

In Illustration II we're working on a series of illustrations called "Music to illustrate to" where we do just that; illustrate to music. We're assigned a song, and we have to create a story of sorts with a concept that goes to the music, illustrated and rendered in watercolor. My song was "O Fortuna" if you know it, haha, and my series is an epic supernatural/divine battle between a god-like/angel-like being and a demon. It's pretty awesome, and I'm very very pleased with my first two images; it's done in a moodlighting/moonlight sort of way, so the colors are really nice and work well together. And are VERY dramatic. It's just such an accomplishment to get work done that I know will look great for my portfolio, and even possibly win me awards for design/illustration competitions. :3 So that's exciting! And it makes me feel like my work and time is being paid off, finally. On top of that, I made a 109% on my past History of Graphic Design I test, which was super rewarding, cause I studied my butt off. It raised my *cough*failing*cough* grade to a seventy nine. :3 So I hope to keep doing that well and get over 100% in the class; if I do that, I don't have to take the final at the end of the semester!

*sigh* Even though I've been stressed and tired constantly, this semester hasn't been totally pointless; even if I don't just totally succeed with flying colors, I've definitely learned a lot and have some pieces that are portfolio worthy. I'm also just one step closer to graduating... is it bad I'm already getting senioritis? I want to start my career and my life! Gah!

BTW, I think over winter break I'm gonna' crack down and produce some cosplay work. Like, two or three costumes. I've discovered that working on them during school while balancing a job is really ridiculous and sort of stupid. I need to be focusing on school and work, not trying to make myself do two new cosplays just for a weekend long convention. @_@ I'll probably barely get Yuffie done, if get her done at all because of it; so I'm learning from this, and am going to produce my cosplays ahead of time when I'm not in school. I'm thinking of doing two to three of the ones I wanted to complete; my guess was Painted Lady Katara, Kiki, Shizuka, and POSSIBLY my Pikachu one and maybe Pokemon trainer Touko, depending on how long each of those take me. Kiki and Shizuka are gonna' be super easy though, so I can probably knock out four or five if I really wanted to. I also want to check off my cosplay list so I can start adding more and learning more to make more complex ones. It'll also give me something productive to do during the cold winter break, where there will most likely be an abundance of snow days :3

Sorry for the rambling; wanted to update ya' with my life! :D

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Your heart will soar on wings.

Whew, I think I seriously just needed some church and friends time. I feel like, loads better and happier and just more at peace with everything.

I can't have it all the time, socializing and what not, but I need to really enjoy the quality time I do have of it. That's the whole key! I can't sit around complaining about life being so unfair cause I can't see my friends all the time; at this point in my life, I'm going to be busy a lot and working through school, so, I need to look at it like "I can't WAIT until I CAN see my friends again" and then just really live up the time I have and milk it for all it's worth, haha.

I also just needed communal church time, and just to be away from the atmosphere of homework and projects. Even our teachers tell us that, you can't constantly be in front of it all the time; you have to get away to be refreshed with a stronger mind to tackle it again. Which makes sense. I think we tend to try to tackle things all at once to get it done with, but it's way easier on yourself if you take it slowly and revisit it and it's something new and fresh each time you can deal with. Need. To do. Better.

But yeah, getting to go to church today and see everyone felt so, so nice. Now I can't wait 'til Cheryl's party now that THAT'S working itself out! Man! I Just need to give things to God, He's got everything figured out. I need to quit freaking out over every little thing, and learn to cope better when things go wrong. Hmm. I need to work on this too. >.o

Izumicon is coming up so soon! I have some new drawings done that I was gonna' paint in watercolor to make prints of. It's a series I'm starting, of the Studio Ghibli/Miyazaki couples. :D So far I have Kiki and Tombo and Sophie and Howl sketched out; I'm working on Sheeta and Pazu next, and then possible Chihiro and Haku and then Ponyo and her "love interest" (I haven't seen it yet, though, I rented it! :D) We'll see how that goes though, haha. Whether or not I finish them in time for Izumicon, I'm definitely finishing them to sell in the future.

All that leaves is my photography portfolio, and then cosplay. The first one can be solved if I can get MORE images and pictures taken; so, if you guys wouldn't mind, we could plan some times to get together and get some shots somewhere real quick. I was thinking Avatar, but somewhere foresty and full of nature would be more authentic, so maybe in that area behind Ethan's house or something. We could take some time from a cosplay work day or whatever, and get some shots. :3 That'd be great and extremely helpful!

And cosplay, well, we'll se how that goes. I'm HOPING to get Yuffie done in time, but I may not get Painted Lady out. Just too much work, and I want Ethan to get his cosplays done too, so I don't want to rely on him too much with too many things. So I think Painted Lady will be debuted some other time. >< But that's okay, I want to focus on the table and stuff too anyway, so I shouldn't be taking on too much myself.

Let's hope everything works out well! Just keep remembering guys that we should be praying for Izumicon too; that we can be God's light there and set an example of the Christian faith. And if things start getting stressful or we feel behind, we just need to give it to God, He's sovereign and will work things out. Let's just have fun this go around and not turn conventions into a job, but instead a fun getaway and a mission field. At least that's how I'm looking at it. :)

Thank you ladies! You are all amazing, and I love you so much. ;-; Thanks for putting up with my crazy, roller-coaster mood swings and stressful rants and bitter days. You always help me through and cheer me up! ^^

PS: Sable was thinking about in the future, a Miyazaki girl's cosplay group. Wouldn't that be fun?! :D I'd love to be Kiki, she's my fav! <3

"This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it!"
-- Psalm 118:24

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Screwed over and bitter

I wish in high school and middle school they would've taught us that life is not fair. That instead of telling us "just do your best!" and that our "effort" is what counts, they'd tell us the real world expects excellent performance and execution or you're just not going to cut it. That instead of making us do pointless busy work assignments, they'd be telling us how it's going to go down in a REAL job. Instead of filling our minds that going to social events and being social in clubs is good for you, tell us that we'll be losing and sacrificing our social lives to be successful in school for our future. They need to start TRAINING those younger students for college, not just "preparing" them for it. It's ridiculous. The real world sucks, reality sucks, and college is one step closer to kicking you out the door into it, and is not the "best years of your life".

Sure, when you look back on everything, you'll only WANT to remember the good times in college. And I have had those; being on my own, Lara being my roommate, getting to go to conventions and have freedom. Among other things. But unless you just party your way through school, you'll never think college are just the "best years" ever. That's a total lie. If anything, they're the hardest freaking years of your life. I'm tired of seeing all those kids on campus that just have so much freaking free time to sit around and be drunk or play volleyball all day. That stay up all night blaring their music and having parties instead of going to sleep for class the next day. I'm SO TIRED of feeling like no matter how hard I'm trying and how much I'm working I'm barely scraping by because I may not be good enough. Freaking high school deluded me that just putting forth effort counts.

I've been turning into a sarcastic, bitter, angry person lately and I'm hating myself. I'm cursing a lot more, I'm totally not right spiritually, and I'm just apathetic to everything. I got screwed over at work and got scheduled to work the evening of Cheryl's Halloween party, though I had specifically stated that I wanted that night off, OVER A MONTH AGO. If I can't get someone to switch me or cover me, I just can't go... If I call in without a legitimate excuse, I'd totally lose my job. I'm already asking off for Izumicon and pretty much needed last weekend off for that hip-hop showcase. I'm just so... pissed and beyond hurt right now. I told my boss I could work that Saturday morning, just not the evening; but he schedules someone else instead. I FEEL LIKE SCREAMING. It's beyond just not wanting to work. It's the fact that the one social thing I've been looking forward to for a month, there's a chance I can't go because I was either ignored at work or just got royally screwed over somehow. I mean, how does that happen? Really?

I'm probably reacting how I am just because I feel so on edge about everything (related to stress, being tired, and not spiritually right at all..). I've been awful at coping lately and instead am just always angry or bitter. I've never felt so disconnected from everyone, or isolated or lonely before, but this semester has been all that and more. How can one be so busy but feel so lonely?

I'm just bitter, sad and angry. Sure this post is depressing, but I really don't care right now I needed to vent it out.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011


Startin' to realize that lately; it is all about budgeting. No matter what it is, the best way to keep stress from happening and to keep organized is budgeting practically everything; budget your money, your time, your sleep. Budget what you think you can do when and figure out what hours you should block out for homework or socializing or just leisure time or sleep. I'm starting to fill up my iCalandar with blocks of hours that are dedicated solely for certain things; like specifically when I'm in class, when I'm sleeping, and what hours I should be setting aside for working on homework. I'm even trying to budget in leisure time and social time, but it looks like a lot of my days aren't really filled with that at all...

This all may seem drastic, however, I seriously need to recheck my life and it's priorities. I had a panic attack yesterday evening, a serious one, with how stressed I was feeling. Everything felt totally disorganized and I didn't even know where to pick up the pieces. Through some family time, and just genuine confession to God with my frustration, and prayer, I figured out that I really will be successful if I plan my time wisely. And write it down, and check it off, so it's a system and routine that I can be convicted by. I work best that way it seems like; when I'm organized and studious with my time, I get so much more done.

During homework hours, my phone will be away from me, and I'm going to mostly remain off Facebook. I'm going to try to dedicate these hours solely for homework/project work, whatever that may entail; sketching, being in the print lab, finishing projects, studying, etc... I need to focus better in school and get my butt in gear of I won't go anywhere I want to go.

I'm going to be a lot more organized with how I spend my time; for example, if we're all planning something, I'm probably going to be annoying with wanting details on time/date/place, etc, and make sure they're set in stone so I don't waste any time. I'll probably always have my sketchbook or notebook with me just in case I had to overlap homework with socializing. And sometimes I may not be able to join :/ This has been bothering me for a while, my lack of ability to be more enabled to meet up or hang out, but I honestly am trying to survive and excel in school right now, so I guess sometimes sacrifices must be made... I'm stoked for Izumicon though so I can have a full weekend of leisure and fun! Which is probably why I'm not stressing out about the table too much either, cause I don't need added stress, lol... Oy vey.

Once winter break comes around, however, I'll be soaring and will probably be gnawing at the bits to hang out and see everyone. It's truly my free, relaxed time because I only need to focus on work. So, put up with me. Haha!

Also, if I ever seem spacey or stressed or just sort of tense or on edge, do NOT take it personally; just brush it off, lol. I'm going to be like that this semester a lot; and it is never anything anybody does, it's usually 95% related back to school and my deadlines. So many deadlines... So much to do! It's sort of nice remaining busy, but it's stressful and taxing none the less if I get behind at all. So just understand it's usually always school stess, and that I'm much happier being with you guys always, even if it seems like I'm just sort of out of it. Haha!

Well, let's hope this whole budgeting time idea works.... I hate the idea of living life by a schedule, it irritates me, but if it works for me, then maybe it's something worth trying out. Just be praying for me if you could! I love you all, you are amazing :)

Monday, October 10, 2011

I need to...

- Lose more weight
- Eat healthier
- Drink lots, lots, lots more water
- Pray every night
- Cope with stress/obstacles better.
- Be more optimistic.
- Try to get consistent amounts of sleep
- Try my hardest in school
- Work hard towards every goal.
- Stay off Facebook and the computer more.
- Work out consistently.

I want to look good, feel good, and stay that way. I've been so down in the dumps almost constantly lately, and it's probably linked to my somewhat unhealthy lifestyle; eating out a lot, not drinking enough water, lack of sleep, not coping with stress. I need to become more independent and strong on my own too, and feel bliss and peace in times that I'm alone instead of being sad and feeling lonely. I need to embrace quiet moments and try to keep a positive outlook that all this hard work and stress will definitely be paid off for in the end. It's like band; we put all the hardwork at the beginning and throughout the season, but the reward is soon to come at the end.

I want to lose some more weight though, to look good for Yuffie; my thighs/legs aren't necessarily that attractive for that cosplay as of now XD;; as awkward as that sounds, we're all comfortable here with one another. I also want to slim down just to feel lighter and I want to gain muscle mass. If I had time, I'd join a yoga program or pilates program in a heartbeat, but the UCO gym and budgeting workout time is the only thing I really have right now. Maybe that's something I'll look into over the summer. I know it's only a month or so away, but I think I can slim down at least a little bit more between then and now. If I really push myself. I have a lot of hip-hop this weekend for our performance, so maybe that will be a good kickstart to keep me going; not saying I'm not starting ASAP, as in tomorrow! Haha.

Well, random blog, but I felt motivated to write it and hold myself accountable in a way. Speaking of trying harder on these constant goals, I need to go get into bed so I can get some sleep. I love you all! I hope you are doing swell, and I can't wait until I can see you again :)

Saturday, October 1, 2011

I love October!

The whole atmosphere and vibe of the month is just so awesome and fun. Not only does it host Halloween, but it's truly the beginning of FALL! :D Cooler weather, warm colored trees, tons of fun events, finally getting used to school, fall break, things to look forward to. The finally "hurrah" before the bitter winter. I'm so stoked!

I love having stuff to look forward to, too. Like Cheryl's Halloween party, and then at work we get to wear costumes to work from Friday - Monday of Halloween weekend! AAAHHHH! I'm so excited! I literally am asking to work everyday so I can wear costumes. XD Is that stupid? Nah, I think it'll be a blast! I want every excuse I can to wear my cosplays and be considered "normal" (though, I'd wear them anyway even if I wasn't considered normal. XD) So I was thinking of wearing my watertribe Katara, Malon, and possibly whip out a new one before then. I was thinking maybe Sally from Nightmare Before Christmas or something. :) If not, I'll just wear my customized rag-doll costume. It needs to be relatively comfortable to work in, that's the thing. XD

I also got to decorate my work last night for Halloween, we're staying decorated all month. I mainly put up webbing in certain areas to accent our products and then drew some crooked, creepy looking trees and bats on the windows. I'm planning on going back Sunday evening-ish to finish it out, but so far it looks pretty awesome. :D I'm stoked! I love being paid to decorate and paint, bahaha.

And then this evening, I'm doing a miniature Kingdom Hearts photoshoot with Ethan, Sally and Ashley on their Riku, Sora and Kairi cosplays. We're going downtown to get some urban looking shots, and then hopefully find some naturey looking shots too so we can get that Destiny Islands feel. Sadly the Myriad Gardens closes by the time we'll end up getting there, but, maybe when we do the larger KH photoshoot with Cheryl/Namine and Matthew/Roxas, we can get into Myriad Gardens. :3 It's such beautiful scenery and the perfect Destiny Islands feel, haha.

On top of that, I've ordered some stuff for my Advent Children Yuffie cosplay! So far just the wig and the shoes though (the shoes were crazy more expensive than I thought though... $65!!! @_@) BUT, they are the perfect shoes; literally knee high, khaki/tan converse. That also keeps me from having to crazy modify shoes that I don't even know how I'd go about that, lol. But it's all good, I'm glad to have found some stuff already. I'm thinking about going out today before the photoshoot too to get some more cosplay stuff so I can get started and prepare. So far, convention planning is going pretty well! I just need to keep focused and keep preparing more and more. I also budgeted some money already but I need to be careful this month with eating out and unnecessary shopping so my budget can go according to plan.

Just so excited for so many things, aah! I love fall. :)