Monday, November 26, 2012

Slow me down...

His lost love haunted him regularly in dreams. 

He would wake up in terror, shaking, sweating, hearing her screams, her crying. He'd hear over and over again, Why? Why did you abandon me? before her voice faded into nothing. Sometimes she'd sound more deluded, depressed, distant.. these were the dreams when he faced her directly in darkness, having to stare into her empty eyes as thick tears rolled down her cheeks... other times, she'd be in a frenzy, almost psychotic and terrifying. Screaming in anger, hatred, jealousy. This was when he watched afar, watched as she battled and screeched at the Siren, only to lose every time. Any chance he had to save her, he was blocked by a flurry of wind, and the Siren's piercing gaze.

He shot up in bed again, panting, desperately grasping for reality. He was in his room; it was dark, nighttime still, maybe around four in the morning. Everyone else was sleeping. His fingers curled around the comforter and he hung his head. Squeezing his eyes shut, he tried to rid this recent nightmare; he saw his lost love, alone, far away, her back turned towards him. No matter how quickly he ran to her, she always drifted away. Further, further, further away... 

"NO!" he cried. When she finally turned, her eyes were blackened and crying, and her entire body collapsed before vanishing. With an inaudible cry, he collapsed to his knees and held up his hands, blood seeping out of the pores. Her blood. Her blood is on my hands. The nightmare ended with the familiar, curling peaceful fog and the beautiful hum of the Siren... but he still awoke in terror.

"It is what you wanted though," he heard the Siren's voice. Startled, his eyes shot open and he looked around in a panic. "You wanted Me, you wanted peace, contentment, wonderful nights full of sleep and dreaming..."

He closed his eyes; he remembered the beginning, when he was first enchanted by the Siren, by her beauty and her luring voice. He remembered the first time she lulled him to sleep, the most restful sleep he'd ever experienced, the most vivid and beautiful dreams he ever could imagine... but now it was nothing but endless nights of sleep, haunted by what he sacrificed.

"Is this the point? The catch? I lost her, and now, I must live with it through what I chose over her?" He  clenched his jaw and his nostrils flared in anger. "Well, I don't want this anymore! I want her back!" his voice cracked, and he choked back tears. He could help but imagine her alive, healthy, smiling at him. How had he never seen it in the moment? How alive she made him feel? He wanted her back.

The Siren appeared. She sat on his desk, fog curling around her. She appeared in a more physical form; long, slender, sweeping, a goddess bound by no constraints of the mortal world, beautiful in every fantastic and unimaginable way. Icy exotic eyes, flowing robes, long locks of curling silver hair, porcelain skin. A voice as breathy and chiming as an angel, or soothing and seductive as a temptress. As stunning as she appeared, she was devious and cruel. Enchanting you, trapping you, then torturing you.

"I am only doing what my subject wished," she cooed nonchalantly. She lifted off the desk and floated towards him, curling her fingers around his chin and staring into his eyes. He began to feel sleepy again, his body relaxed and less tense. "This is what you want. You will forget her in time. Now.. sleep." The Siren finished the spell with her lips pressed against his, and then, she released him and vanished. He fell back into his bed, his eyes drifting close and his consciousness fading away to dreams, or possibly, nightmares.

= = = = 

Idk guys, I kinda' like this idea. It started as an extreme metaphor for a certain situation, but now, I think I can work with it. Make it like a horror/suspense/fantasy kinda' thing. Who knows.

Feeling kinda down... break is over, school isn't though. Two weeks or so, but it's gonna' be stressful. You guys can probably guess what my past two writings have been about. Sometimes I don't even feel like a priority to him. He'd rather sit around with his guy friends talking about swords and cars, he'd rather go to bed. What if something happened to me? Would he notice?

I'm being really pessimistic. I'm sorry. I'm just bitter and kinda' depressed.. I have anxiety constantly... ugh. I hate posting about it all the time, but I never really get to talk to you guys about it... so I guess this is my way of doing that.. of letting it out, but letting you guys know.

I'm going on that cruise with him and his family soon, mid-December. I'm really excited, but, idk how it will go... I just hope it's not a week of him being distant towards me. Or just like we're practically friends, not like we've been in a relationship for two freaking years. I want him to be excited, I want him to be happy to spend time with me, I want it to feel SPECIAL... we'll see I guess.. I really love him. And enjoy my time with him, I want this to work out for us.. but idk how that will be if he doesn't try a little hard too. Or make it known he cares about me.

I can't wait to live back with my parents again and be away from Edmond and UCO more. It's helped refuel my sanity, this past Thanksgiving break..

I miss you ladies constantly.. I've been feeling like a bad friend lately, and I'm sorry...

I hope things start looking up..

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Nothing can keep me from sleeping.

"No... Please, no please, come back to me! I'm--"

He was being lifted into the air, his eyes glazed, his lips wearing a content smile. The Siren was seducing him, her long graceful frame pressed against his, her robes wrapping and swirling in the air, dancing like ribbons on a breeze. A fog curled around the two, and it made it impossible for her to see. I coughed and stumbled, continuing to run, but tears threatened to blind my vision. My clothes were raggedy and poor compared to the garments of the Siren, in all shades of blue and white and gray. Her eyes were a piercing, icy blue, her hair a beautiful flowing silver. She was like a piece of artwork, an unreal goddess that was breathed into and brought to life. Her perfect lips parted and a sweet song cooed at him, drawing him in further.

"NO!!" I cried, my words cracking with my tears. I finally was close enough and dove for his hand before he was too far to reach. I tried tugging him down, crying and screaming, "Please, come back to me!" His eyes flashed and he looked down at me sleepily, confused. He slowly started to be tugged down, he slowly started to come back to me... but that Siren snatched him again, winding his face back hers with her slender fingers on his chin.

"Drift away, my love.." she whispered, their eyes now locked and her lips hovering over his. He smiled contently again, and rose into the air. I cried out but clung onto his arm squeezing my eyes shut.

"I WON'T GIVE IN!" I cried. With him still under her spell, the Siren's eyes snapped to me, her gaze hateful and burning. I glared up at her, but with just a raise of her hand and a flick of her wrist I was yanked off and threw down to the ground. Plucked off like a rotten apple from a tree, she tossed me aside. My head impacted the concrete violently, and my body grew numb and cold. The last image my eyes saw was the Siren gently cradling his head as their lips pressed against one another.

I had lost him.

And then, I blacked out.

= = = = = = =

He didn't remember much, but when his eyes opened, he felt rested, at peace, content. He was lying on a bed of the coziest clouds, with swirling fog all around him. The Siren was no longer there, however, her sweet and soothing song still rung in his ears. He sat up and looked around; he was in a complete white room, and appeared to be floating. A blanket of clouds pooled around his waist and he pushed them aside. He hadn't felt so rested and at peace in a while. He continued to smile as he started to make his way down, the clouds slowly lowering to let him to the ground.

And that's when he saw her.

His heart stopped in his chest, and his entire body almost froze. The room he was in as he drifted down had faded from a beautiful and peaceful ivory paradise, into a stale, gray and concrete jail, flickering lights and disturbing rust as the only decor. She lie there like a crumpled heap, her clothes tattered and her body completely still. He stumbled off the cloud, landing ungracefully but he gathered himself and darted over to her. Skidding to a stop and throwing himself down next to her, he rolled her over.

His heart caught in his throat. Her body was cold as ice, her expression pale. Her eyes were closed, her eyelashes holding remnants of tears. He gently lifted her head, almost crying out when he felt the dried blood on his fingers. She had been lying in a pool of it, a bleeding head injury. He wrapped his arms around her and pressed his ear to her chest, desperately trying to hear her heart.


He cried out. "No, no, no... Come back to me, c-come, come back!" he shook her, staring desperately at her face, waiting to see those bright hazel eyes pop open and her lips smile at him. All a joke, just messing with him, they could leave together. But that was not the reality. Her body was lifeless, her heart not beating, there had been so much blood.

He grew dizzy with the realization, almost falling over, almost running away... But he couldn't let go of her, no, he was afraid once he did she'd disappear from him. Instead he clung to her and buried his head in her neck, his body racking with sobs. He cradled her, rocked with her, kissed her cheek, forehead, lips. He stayed like that for a while, desperately wishing she'd come back to him like all the lost loved ones do in fairytales.

But this was no fairytale; she was gone. No true love's kiss would bring her back.

"Had only you stayed awake to be her knight, she may still be alive," he heard whisper in his ear. His heart sank into his stomach, and he felt his vision start to black out. "But, as you've said so yourself, my dear: nothing can keep you from sleeping."

Sunday, November 18, 2012

I'm going to be amazing.

"Well, I just feel like problems exist to be fixed and overcome through hard work and discpline. Through doing this consistently, we continually become stronger, smarter and better and more confident in ourselves. I'm sorry you're feeling down right now, but you really have so much potential to solve your problems and make life the way you want it to be. You are strong, smart, and beautiful. So, don't let your troubles defeat you...

.... just solve one thing at a time, and never quit."

Just watch me.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Cosplay Appreciation Day

I'm sure all of this is a day late, but!


What I love most about cosplay is the excitement, inspiration and creativity it enables. It opens up your reality to be a whole new persona, a whole new character, whatever you feel like being. It's fun to be apart of the fandom and express your love for a show or video game or story by dressing up as the characters and just having a blast with your friends.

Cosplay has helped me become more confident, more self-aware. Sometimes it can turn more negative, however, it's caused me to achieve a self-image that I want. Sure, to "be like that character", however, it ends up benefiting me entirely. Cosplay has given me determination to achieve goals and work harder. To fit the image I work out and eat healthier; I can paste pictures up and push myself to achieve that goal. And even if I don't look as "skinny" or whatever, I'm usually always happy with myself because it's a goal I achieved, it's progress I'm making; cosplay is just a way of helping me get there as well!

I even felt inspired by characters and their personality traits; like Katara's compassion, Korra's confidence, Cadence's love and magic, Kairi's loyalty, Kagura's passion, Kiki's determination, Photo Finish's spunk, Rinoa's feisty but giving nature. They all contained traits that I admired in some way, that affected me in my own life. Even characters I don't cosplay -- like Twilight Sparkle in my studies and homework, for example -- inspire me to push through procrastination to get priorities done.

Cosplay may not be something I'm going to do forever; however, it's made a huge impact in my life. It's allowed me to escape reality for just a smackeral of time, for a weekend at a time. It's helped me develop a whole new skill set -- sewing and crafting -- which in turn has improved and honed my creativity. It's essentially added to my inspiration and desire to be a photographer, preferably in the cosplay or fashion world, and has helped me branch out more.

Despite the stresses and downfalls, cosplay has been an amazingly fun hobby and created tons of amazing experiences and memories with tons of people I love. I feel like myself, I feel free, I feel totally accepted within the cosplay community, which is something I deem as very important. Always embrace your differences and who you TRULY are, and in there, you will find happiness :D

Monday, November 12, 2012

Same old entry.

Bug's Life is on right now! I love this movie, and other Pixar movies. I'm trying to collect them all, lol, I'm such a kid. I want to see Wreck it Ralph and Rise of the Guardians so terribly, glaj;adg;lha.

My mood is caused by a combination of:

- Self-esteem
- Post-convention blues...
- Wanting to have time to severely clean my room, car and organize, but not being able to
- Not being able to start or finish personal projects
- Feeling constantly scheduled or busy
- Too much homework
- Anxiety about the future
- Freaking cold weather
- Never feeling good enough..
- Stuck in the same ol' dumb rut of behavior and flaws
- Wanting change, but nothing happening

Like Mattie said, is it too late to go to Neverland?

Lara invited me to join her during a Thanksgiving dinner with her and her friends but eh. I'd be there with her and Cody and another couple they're friends with. I doubt Ethan can go, and even if he did, we'd both feel out of place cause we're so different from them. It'd just be awkward and I'd have to force my fake, "normal" side out to keep up with their athletic, sporty and preppy sides.

Plus, I can hardly be in the same room with Cody anymore without feeling annoyed or wanting to hit something. I'm tired of that guy always being here.

As I write, the two are badly singing "A Whole New World" in the living room and Cody is making up his own lyrics about blowing his brains out cause he hates the song. Like really? It hurts my feelings, cause Ethan and I seriously love that song, and sing it together all the time. And Cody even made fun of people once that still sing or listen to Disney music. : |

Mmm, seriously considering moving back as early as next semester. Thing is, we only get half the money back from housing.. so that's paying $1600 for me to not even stay there. ://// uggggh. If that's the case, I need to have another serious conversation with Lara about things that need to change if I'm going to put up with another semester. We'll see.

Izumicon was super fun, a nice break from the mundane... but now it's back to reality. Gah, I hate the sudden switch. Being with friends all weekend, getting to be as nerdy and goofy as possible, dressing up to... homework, projects, grown-up decisions and dealing with responsibilities again. I need to dig through photos and make slideshows and start planning for Naka to make the blues go away >.<

I also have a family reunion my parents want me to go to this Saturday and I just gaaah don't want to go. It's with the side of my family that a lot of my cousins went awry and astray and those I don't respect anymore. Everyone else seriously disconnected from us a long time ago. So now it just feels awkward to be around them all again. I really miss my family that I bond with more.. *sigh*

Personal projects I want to work on :3

- My summer 2012 scrapbook
- Izumicon and TnT 2012 slideshow/memory videos
- My Journal Junkies project, starting an artistic personal journal
- Organizing through my computer/sorting files and pictures
- Back up everything to my hard-drive
- Finish linework and drawings for 2012 ://// I have hardly anything in my art binder...
- Compete in the TnT 2013 artwork theme contest ($1,000 cash prize or a fully paid for TnT 2013 trip!)

Hopefully things slow down enough and I can start on these projects >.<

Turn the negative into a positive:

- Regardless of what I think, I am a beautiful and bright young woman. I need to stop doubting myself so much.
- There will always be more conventions, and it's time to look back on the fun memories now!
- I can pick up my room little by little, and organize as I go, to help make it feel more organized.
- Personal projects will always be there when I want to start them; they're a great way for me to de-stress and relax, so it's good I have so many in mind.
- I'd rather be busy than bored with nothing to do!
- I'm grateful for the opportunity I have to have homework and be in class; this is all working towards my future career
- I need to take one day at a time, and accept change as it comes
- Cold weather means many great things follow: fireplaces, coffee, hot cocoa, snow, Thanksgiving and Christmas, break from school, winter fashion, time with family and friends. Snowball fights, days inside warm and reading, cozily napping in a warm bed. And tons more!
- Regardless of what I don't feel good enough for, I need to be proud in my own accomplishments and give myself more grace than I do.
- I need to continue positive encouragement that I can't change myself drastically; however, I need to keep trying day after day to be the best me.
- Change will happen when it's meant to; until then, enjoy the moment you're in.

And now, a ton of pics that help cheer me up and warm my soul. Enjoy!