Saturday, March 31, 2012

I wish I had more strength.

Sooo the past couple of days have been .. well.
I'm starting to see who my real friends are
and this has NOTHIIINGGG to do with y'all, haha. YOU guys are my real friends <3 this is about someone else... a whole 'nother situation.

Basically, I asked my friend Jasmine -- who I work with, who i'm consistently with during design, who I'm trying to be a good friend to, encourage, give advice, joke around with, etc...-- a week in advance if she could cover my shift on Sunday so I could go to the Medieval fair. She was like "Sure, I can do it" and I expressed gratitude and thanks and she said "No prob". She even wrote it on the schedule.

Calls me up Thursday morning -- after a rigorous past couple of days with an all-nighter, stressful tests and projects -- and tells me she can't cover me cause she has "too much due and needs that WHOLE day". I had to get off the phone quickly because I felt sooo, so angry. Let's just say I had to pray and ask for forgiveness afterwards, whew I sort of lost it. I was just tired already, stressed already, and the one day I was looking forward to I just got stressed out by all over again having to work all day now. On a Sunday. Missing the fair, and missing you guys.

I mean, who DOES that? Says they can help you out, and then bail out. It just blew my mind -- I would never do that. Never. Even if I had "a lot due" I would just suck it up and work around it. I wouldn't go back on my word -- especially if it really helped out someone else or made someone else happy. I wouldn't go back on my word solely for the fact of disappointing and hurting the person... but, this just goes to show me some people only have their self interest in mind.

We were both taking a weekend course this weekend, Digital Illustration. There was no way we could work Friday or Saturday since it was smack in the middle of the day so we both had those days off. However, I found out that she dropped the course -- so she has Friday and Saturday and Sunday entirely off now. While I have the weekend course AND work all day Sunday now, and I have the same amount of crap due next week, and I'm still finding time to do it.

Fishy? I think so. I think she was just like "Screw Meghan" and bailed on me.

It just really hurts and really sucks. I'm so naive. I get walked on all the time by people. I'm tired of being told "Nyeheh, you're so naive Meghan you'd get kidnapped in an instant". BULL CRAP. Jasmine always joked with me herself that if we were being attacked she'd trip me and run. She always says how she's all about looking out for herself first, well, now she proved it. I believe her 110%, and now trust her 0%. Sure I'm upset about missing the fair -- but that will pass. It's the principle of her selfish decision and the fact she cares jack squat about my stress or my situation that really, really bothers me. It's one thing if it was an emergency keeping her -- but how she presented it was just some crappy, vague excuse.


I'm channeling my inner Korra recently. I want to be really good at this character, but beyond cosplay, I'm inspired by her. Her strength, stubbornness, strong-will, the fire in her eyes. I want to quit being walked on. I want to be strong, reliable, self-sufficient. I want to be able to defend myself if needed; I want to quit trusting so easily that I get walked on. I want to hold tight to those I love, those I trust, those I know care about me, those I care about as well. I want to love others and help others, but avoid being hurt by those that fool me. I want to be wise in my decisions of who to trust and who to just be an acquaintance with. I have this odd philosophy in my mind that I should just trust and give out my heart equally to everyone. Be open, accommodating, nice, friendly, bubbly, whatever, to everyone. Which is fine, I guess -- but I end up thinking they care equally about me, and they usually don't ('cept for y'all <3) It's just a sad truth I'm realizing.

I'm going to be strong. Kick butt, take names, leave it at that.

I wish super-heros were real -- I'd totally want to be one. Especially one like the Avatar.

Monday, March 26, 2012

A blog about a blog.

So our new project for my computer graphics class: creating a blog. Shhwwaaatttt.

It has to be a professional blog that hosts design or illustration work, or just process work, inspiration, etc... anything that you'd want to show clients or future employers as another sort of portfolio thing, or share with other designers for inspiration. I"m pretty stoked about it! I think it'll be a great experience. And another way to document my work. When I get that blog up and running, I'll have to send you guys a link :)

So the weather is stupidly beautiful outside. And my return to school has been, ehhh okay. My Inktank class has a lot of deadlines due, but our teacher was sick so she left as soon as she could today. So the stuff I was rushing to get done last night and had to leave the party early for? YEAH, not even important enough to her to stick around for really, lol. Ohhh well, that's life I guess. I just want to survive Inktank and do well.

I'm working on CD/booklet art for this band that came in to Inktank. My concept is themed around one of their lyrics, talking about how we're all just subject to being turned into fools in a consumerist society. My idea is kinda' hard to explain, but once I get it further along I'll try to post pics or something :) Ethan's actually going to be the model, haha. But his face won't be showing, so he doesn't have to worry about emoting or anything. Cause I'm sure he'd feel awkward trying to act upon extreme emotion in front of a camera, bahaha. I'm excited for it though.

I also may be doing another album artwork/booklet for Chase Schwartz's band, Hanging Haley. I kind of want to do an entire re-branding of their band because their logo isn't so great - but that's not up to me, haha. He hasn't gotten back to me on it though so I hope my more professional graphic designer ness didn't scare him off. I'm trying not to get taken advantage of by friends or acquaintances with design work, so I'm charging him and going about it in a contract way. our teachers tell us to start doing that early so we can get used to working with clients like that, and not get screwed over just because they're friends or whatever. Cause that totally happens if you're not careful D:

Also looking for photography jobs... so if you think of anything or hear of anything, lemme' know! I'm desperate, haha. I'd like to get some extra cash saved up through design and photography since work isn't scheduling me much. Though spring break should be a nice check since I worked so much. We'll see!

I can't wait for the Medieval Fair this weekend, and so stoked I can go now! I need to throw together an outfit. :D I also can't wait to work more on cosplay.. I'm wanting to get some of my finished already so I won't stress about them later. We'll see how this goes, haha.

Love you guys! And stay creative! ;D

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Beautiful results.

I'm going to fight for this.

Looking my best and feeling great about myself, I mean.

I think it will help with a lot of other problems too. Like self-esteem and confidence issues. Like for a example, maybe I won't be so clingy or worried about being "pretty enough" for Ethan or something. I don't feel like he pushes that on me or anything, but it's my own self-editing and self-critique that causes me to feel like that's all he cares about or that's what matters in general. I also end up just not ever being happy with myself and then pushing myself more into relying on food for comfort or being sedentary and not active enough. When I allow myself to be negative and hateful towards my body or appearance, it makes this worse.

Instead, I need to go through with optimism, confidence and assurance that when I work hard, I will get results I want.

I ALSO want to get fit and look good for cosplay too, haha.. I want to be an amazing Yuffie/Rinoa/Korra/whatever else I'm aiming for in the future.

I've started my transformation by writing some encouraging words on my mirror in my bedroom, that I'll see everyday when I'm looking at myself in the mirror. I want to start off the day encouraged and positive -- that will make a lot of difference.

Secondly, I'm going to work on trimming down the soda and fast food intake, as well as working out more. I'm aiming for more water intake than soda intake a day, and working out a little everyday. Whether that's the gym, or just working out in my room.

I'm going to weigh in every two weeks to see how my progress is going -- when I start seeing progress, it motivates me to do better and work harder.

Starting work on cosplay will also motivate me more and keep my mind focused on my goal.

Overall though, I'm gonna' be praying more that God blesses me with the right mindset to tackle all of this. That it shouldn't always be about worldly beauty, but spiritual health and spiritual beauty. If I feel better about myself and the temple He gave me, I can further glorify Him and be a light to others. If I'm drowning in negativity and low confidence, how will I get anywhere with His word? I'd only be focusing on myself.

And now... some motivating pictures, as well as some of my favorite cosplay pics to keep me motivated and inspired!

And thanks for always being an inspiration to me, guys :) Encouraging, motivating and pushing me. As well as never letting me stay too down in the dumps too long. I don't know what I'd do without you! <3

This Rinoa is seriously my favorite I've seen so far; uhhhh she's so beautiful, and the cosplay turned out so flawlessly. I'm intimidated, haha, but she's a very sweet cosplayer (she cosplayed Kairi and gave me a direct comment on complimenting my Kairi @.@ -flushed!-), and is very inspiring. :)

More of her pictures. Her boyfriend is my FAVORITE Squall too x.x And they have such adorable chemistry, aaah. Perfection. <3 (BTW: They were at AKON last year. As Rinoa and Squall, AND I MISSED THEM A;LKDJF;DF! Dx)

This Yuffie is my favorite Advent Children style one I've found. She's so spot on and her attention to detail is fantastic! I'm basing most of my cosplay off of her rendition :)


I just wanna' crawl into bed and sleep today away... it was just a rough day.

I woke up late, and was already late for work then get outside and my car battery is dead. I have extreme guilt if I show up late, especially since this is the second time it's happened to make me late for work, so then I feel even worse like, they probably think I'm making up excuses or something. I had to wait forever for the cop and was 30 minutes late. I broke down in the car, ugggh, just cause I feel like such idiot sometimes. I'm so forgetful, I'm clumsy, I'm always distracted. That's what causes stuff like this to happen. I lose things constantly too, ugh, everything. I just get so frustrated and want to give up on myself sometimes. Like seriously. I should get it together.

I was just a mess walking in. Luckily everyone was receptive of that and didn't tease me about being late like they normally would, and my boss was cool with it... that's what's nice about working with guys, they won't try to get in your business, or they'll leave you alone if you're crying. Or feel really bad for you and be sweet and nice for once. I sort of buried myself in Sable's hug and that helped me feel better.

It doesn't help that Sunday's suck at work since we're so busy and get all the cruddy-attitude customers or needy customers that won't leave you alone. And it also doesn't help that Ethan and I left off Saturday night with tension and anxiety and he was ignoring me all day today. Not talking to me, not texting, nothing..

I hate that. I hate feeling ignored, left out, distanced. I can't help it.

Ever since what happened in high school with Casey and Taelor and others, and then with JP, it makes me feel like everyone is going to abandon me if they ignore me or stop talking to me for a while or just suddenly. Just walk out, stop talking to me one day, drop me like a doll they're no longer interested in, then kick me around a little bit. It's an irrational fear I'm sure, but it seems to be in me and I can't get over it too easily.

I would write more but it's probably just over emotional, tired thinking so I'm going to end it here.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Zombieish -- literally!

Wow, so this week was heeckkkk. Mentally and even slightly physically.


I had SO MUCH due on Wednesday, not only in volume but in substance, that it was insane to get done. And I even did stuff over the weekend, but it left me to no choice: TWO all-nighters in a row! Not kidding. Within the past 72 hours, I've gotten maybe.. 6-7 hours of sleep? And that's mainly an accumulation of nap-like-things before classes. Not actually preparing for sleep and sleeping wise. Nope, I would go into the building to start on work BEFORE the sun even set, and I wouldn't really leave to go home until the sun was rising again.

It was redonkulous.

I wasn't alone though, thankfully; a lot of other designers were in the same boat, so we stuck it out together. It's kinda' cool cause we get this sense of survival and looking out for one another; so today when I made the stupid choice of trying to get a little wink of sleep in before deadline, and I proceeded to wake up five minutes before it was due instead, and I had to rush to get it ready, another designer was in the same boat. We ran into one another on the way to the design building and she was having a breakdown so we went together and turned stuff in and she wanted me to stay with her just in case she just broke down more. I like the sense of teaming up to help one another make it within our program; it teaches great trust skills and reliance, even in a competitive program. And even though a lot of people in the design department are vulgar, or sometimes rude, and can constantly be bitter or teasing you, I know that they'd have my back -- we're in it together.

But JEEEEZ. I've never felt so tired. I literally had hallucinations upon waking the few naps I had -- one hallucination was of a wasp being in my apartment and I swear I saw people looking in through my door discussing how to kill it while I was just paralyzed with fear. It was flying right next to my head, haha. Another hallucination was I had one of those mid-dream things where I felt like I was getting ready and was going to be on time -- but woke up ten minutes before my class, and my deadline. FREAKING OUT. Hahaha. Trying to get sleep was the worst idea, and I am learning from that -- if I've had an all nighter with the copious amounts of stress I've had, I cannot expect to lay down for "just a little bit" and wake up feeling somewhat better. NO, you wake up feeling even more tired and even angrier. I just need to keep myself busy until I can just crash and get tons and tons of sleep at a time.

Hibernate, recover, and move on.

I'm done though technically. I have work tonight so I'm forcing myself to stay awake right now during this down time. I'm going to take a scorching shower and it'll feel so good -- just hot water washing away stress and releasing tension in my muscles and getting me clean and ready to go... I'm so excited. And my bed will never feel better.

My goodness though, SPRING BREAK IS FINALY HERE. I have to work, but man, I'm going to spend it well and readily. I'm going to catch up on rest and relaxation. I wasn't given an assignment for the next project in one design class, and then another design class I only have a few things done. I can really just mentally unwind. I'm gonna' work on cosplays, draw, hardcore clean my room and apartment, maybe even go through stuff to sell for the garage sell, get back into working out and eating right (that was just shot this week), and just enjoying my time to myself. I can't wait to see you guys more too over the break >.< I need my fwiends! Lara will be gone traveling and what not, so I'll have the apartment to myself. I don't necessarily like being here alone, but, everyone needs their alone time. And I certainly do just to recuperate and what not.

The weather has been beautiful, it's Spring Break, I'm done with all this stress (no matter what the outcome), and I get to sleep soon. I have amazing friends and family, supportive peers and teachers, and am just blessed to be having this opportunity for an education and what not. I'm very blessed and grateful just in general...

I was negative a lot these past couple of days, and I'm working on that. Cheryl, I think that's a great idea to have accountability for negativity -- cause that can be just as detrimental as anything, and can set up being disappointed in tons of other things without the right mindset.

Sorry if this was so wordy and all over the place -- I can't really organize thoughts well, haha. So I'll just leave it here. I may be totally konked out for the next couple of days -- so if you don't hear from me readily, that's why, haha.

Love you guys! <3

Monday, March 5, 2012


Praying hard for Pastor Gary and Eric.. I just pray that they recover fully. Especially Gary since he's still in critical condition in the trauma center; God bless that Eric is released and recovering.

I went to a prayer service thing at the church. I originally wasn't going to go cause I was so sick from being tired and exhausted, and I was going to nap; but oddly enough, I randomly woke up around 6:40 right about the time I'd need to leave to be on time for that. I heard giggling and laughing like Lara had friends over; I was a little peeved at first cause this always seems to happen when I want sleep. But then I just calmed down and let myself think: choose your battles. What's more important. So I got up, got dressed and ready and by the time I got out of my room the girls were gone and Lara was checking up on me. I was able to handle my annoyance and exhaustion and put it aside me. It may seem like a small thing, or like "so? what's the big deal?", but with how easily I've been flying off the handle, it was an accomplishment in my eyes.

By the time I got there (through traffic and slow drivers..) it was halfway done, but it was still nice to pray with everyone for a good 20-30 minutes. I love small town church communities - they're so tight knit and strongly bound..

I also have been praying for Marsha. She's not any different, apparently (I'm getting updates from Dixie); still bubbly and optimistic, herself, just a little weakened and out of it cause of the medication and treatments. They told me a really neat fact; her blood time is "B positive". Isn't that awesome? "B positive = BE positive". It's totally perfect for Marsha, because even though all her strife, she is ALWAYS positive :3

With all the stress from school, and now this stuff, cosplay and conventions has been far from my mind. But now that I am thinking about it, I'm going to try to get to work on it all again soon. I don't want to be worrying about it right before conventions start, that's just un-needed stress.. we should all do some work days soon, or just one or two here and there, I always feel inspired working on cosplay with you guys, and it's just fun to get together and sew and be crafty :) Plus, seeing everyone else's progress is equally exciting for me as well. I also love working on it, because it is a little mini-escape from school, but still a creative outlet.

I've got a self-evaluation meeting tomorrow in the morning, class at noon, and then the rest of my day is open. Between the evaluation and class, I'm gonna' hit the gym; and then after class I gotta' work on a paper that's due Wednesday, and projects. I'm just glad I have all day open to do so. I hope I feel rested enough by then to be focused and more energetic

Thank you guys for all your optimism and patience. I always seem to be a mess, but I am working on being more optimistic and caring and patient myself. I love you guys <3

Things I'm blessed for today:
- My amazing friends and family. <3
- Ethan and his love and patience, and innate ability to always make me feel peaceful and calm.
- A church family that's strong and connected.
- A warm bed to curl up in
- Self-critique and honesty
- The freedom we have for fun hobbies like cosplay, drawing, writing and what not
- Creativity and inspiration
- and most of all, my loving, amazing, saving God and Father. He is always mighty to save.