Friday, October 26, 2012

Art nouveau!

Aaah, so I had my History of Illustration class this morning.. it's a weekend course, so this weekend and next weekend, Friday/Saturday morning. It kinda sucks cause I don't normally have classes on those days, but eh, whatever. It's a full credit and only four days of class :P

But anyway! We discussed a lot of illustrators and different styles. I was just reminded of how much I love illustration and have been severely missing it. I've barely had time to get any illustrations or drawing done at all, it's so disheartening ;-; But, I'm gonna' try to catch up when things slow down.

I love the art nouveau style the MOST though - oh man, it's so gorgeous. The line quality, the colors... I want to draw stuff in that style, and pull characteristics from that style to apply to my own work. Do art nouveau, and make it my own; I'm stoked! It's more realistic in nature too, but I feel like my style is leaning more towards that anyway. Compositionally art nouveau is gorgeous as well.

I have work tonight 4-11, and then class tomorrow 9-12 and then work again 4-11... and then Sunday I have off. I'm gonna' be so tired though, oh man. Since last week pre-weekend times, I've been running on little to no sleep per night; I think maybe one or two nights I just crashed for 10+ hours, but that just threw me off even more. I really need to cycle my circadian rhythm again...

Before Izumicon I'm gonna' try to finish our TnT video/slideshow -- I know I'm sorry it's late! I'd started it in the summer and then school happened lol... I figured it'd be still okay to post it though cause it can get us excited for Izumicon and future cons :3 Mattie, I wish you were going to Izumi :'( But you shall be there in spirit, my dear.

But yeah.. at work we get to wear costumes. I'll probably wear Korra and maybe Kiki. And then if I work a third day, wear Rinoa. Or possibly just a pretty long wig, my green dress I got from goodwill, some accessories and elf ears, lol, and be an elf. Whatever. XD

Overall, this week has been long, stressful and constantly going... and it's been an off week too. Like just little thigns. This morning I was late to class and walking around trying to find my glasses and well... crunch. I ended up stepping on them, and breaking them :///// However, they're still wearable, the lenses just pop out if I put too much pressure on them or if they're hit or something. Also, I may have lost my student ID, and I was just behind in some appointments and deadlines. Bleh. Save for the weekend I haven't seen my parents, friends or Ethan, just texting and talking over FB. So it's been lonely and just boring here.

However, I'm noticing my patience and temperament has been pretty good regardless. I'm trying to think in prayer more often and not be so negative, easily angered or bitter. Like when I stepped on my glasses, how I'd been acting for a while, I would've been really angry, raging, maybe even cursing crying just frustrated... idk, my emotions have been all out of whack this semester. Little things pushed me over the edge a lot, but lately, not so much. But with my glasses instead I was just like "Awwgggh jeez," and just fiddled with them and eventually fixed them to be wearable and moved along. Other things too I've just had a better attitude all around, which has been making this week a lot easier I guess. Progress none-the-less :)

Thinking in prayer constantly helps. And surrounding yourself with positive people and positive influences helps as well; honestly, I've been getting to know more positive people in the design department and have been straying from Jasmine and her negativity and cursing and anger and that may be a benefiting factor. I'm also doing better in school and classes (design at leastt my other classes are falling short, lol..) because I'm not distracted by her being there and us talking and stuff. I get my work done and move on to the next thing.

Maybe God is doing all of this for a reason; well of course He has a reason, haha. But I think I'm starting to realize that now.

Sable's coming over in less than an hour, I'm gonna' take some photographs for her headshot she has. She's gonna' do that audition to be an extra in a movie, possibly Thor 2?! Haha that'd be so awesome. XD

After work tonight, I'm gonna' come home and go to bed ASAP. Maybe do some reading, writing, or drawing to calm myself down and then sleep as long as I can 'til the morning.

Prepare for art overload *___* couldn't choose!

The Art Nouveau style, both of the period, and some modern interpretations. Most of these are by Alphonse Mucha, the KING of art nouveau.

Gorgeous color schemes.

The draping clothes, the amazing hair... @_@

One thing I love about art nouveau is the realistic style, but as well as the Greek influence of facial features; so it's stil slightly stylized. AND, look at the women; they're curvy! They're average sized, but still beautiful! I wish the image of "beauty" wasn't so skewed nowadays.

Art nouveau always has stunning compositions.


STUNNING work. My first experiment with art nouveau is an LoK series I have planned. I love the movement, and how she's breaking out of the frame. And the piece on the top is just... sheer gorgeous in its simplicity. And executed in colored pencils!

An adorable Disney piece, mimicking Mucha's seasons piece :)

Two modern adaptions of nouveau; the one on the top is Rapunzel :D

Thursday, October 25, 2012


So far, I think MOST of the major buying/spending for cosplay is done -- wigs are ordered, major pieces purchased. All that's left is making stuff and putting it all together, haha. Maybe buying/finding one or two more things... but man, I'm definitely thrifting them. It's so annoying to order online cause it's so much more expensive... But, it is convenient, I don't have to run around everywhere trying to find stuff and stress myself out. Stress is no bueno. :P

I'm ready to be done with it all though and have Izumicon be here. I still need to budget money away for the ticket price, food and room. Other than that, I'll probably only buy art and that's it; I doubt anything in dealer's room will phase me.

I'm just so stoked for a weekend getaway! Man, I seriously need one. Spent with friends making new memories. Taking tons of pictures and cosplaying and being around nerds and others that understand me more. I feel like I can really be myself and shine more. :) I'm also gonna' make business cards and pass them around when I take people's pictures so I can possibly get some more clients. 

I'm also still trying to get people interested in mini-photoshoots for about $20 a shoot for 30 minutes. I personally think that's plenty of time for lots of shots, at a good fee. Let's hope others see it that way >.< And it will definitely help me pay off the convention and recover a little bit financially, haha.

Also, I think I finally will have enough cosplays sort of stocked up that I can just re-wear again and again for future cons. So I may not do much more new cosplays per con, maybe only one at most. That way it's cheaper and less stressful. Though honestly cosplay prep hasn't been too stressful thus far, so that's a plus :P

Princess Cadance = 60% done!

- Order Cadance wig
- Corset backing to dress
- Ribbon bow belt for dress
- Find new Cadance shoes?? (gold/metallic)
- Jewelry?? (gold/metallic)
- Shorten/hem dress??
- Translucent shawl/saran for arms??
- Contacts?? (purple/magenta)
- Make tiara
- Make necklace
- Make cutie-mark broach
- Make & paint wings
- Make & paint unicorn horn
- Make & paint ears

Photo Finish = 45% done!

- Order Photo Finish wig
- Buy Photo Finish shoes
- Add ribbon to Photo Finish skirt
- Black gloves??
- Add jewels (???) to Photo Finish skirt - solve problem
- Buy teal stockings
- Find large sunglasses/modify sunglasses
- Find striped blouse
- Buy fabric for scarf, make scarf

Tuesday, October 23, 2012


Watching Prince of Egypt as I do homework; I love this movie! Oh man. Goosebumps every time I watch it. The animation just takes my breath away. They really get down to every last detail. The music is just phenomenal, I mean, every song is great.

Even better, it's such an amazing story, glorifying God, and it's in the secular world. I find it odd they play it around Easter on television (since it's not the Easter story), but you know, whatever. Whatever way that's possible to have God's love be known right? ;) I think it'd be amazing if the studio that did Prince of Egypt did an animated movie about Jesus' story. OHHH WOW, that would be an intense one. However, very powerful and effective. And I'm sure God would do amazing work through it.

Things have gotten a lot better since, well, yesterday. Haha. Sorry about the upset blog. I broke down yesterday, cried a little bit, got upset, stomped around, whatever. I threw my hands up and almost quit, but I just vented it all out and am back on track. Gritting my teeth and clenching my jaw, but I'm going to get through this week and these deadlines. I'm trying to keep a positive outlook and optimistic mind the whole time. Even about Lara and Cody stuff, I'm trying to be friendly and nice. I shouldn't get so angry and upset, I don't have to constantly put up with it, but I need to quit being so hissy and cold.

I've been praying about Ethan stuff lately and wow, what God does when you lift things up to Him. I was feeling doubtful, upset, sad about stuff with Ethan again, as I have before. But this time I just broke down and prayed for a good 30 minutes. Crying, talking to God, letting it out. I just said that I want to know if this is what is planned for me; if it's worth working things out. Well, that was the night before yesterday, but yesterday evening I visited Ethan, kinda' surprised him. I asked him to come outside and he did, and I just sort of cried into his shoulder. He held me and comforted me cause I was so stressed with everything. I guess it all collapsed at once. I vented to him and he listened, and gave me advice, and then we went inside and watched funny videos and just relaxed. It was only for a couple hours, however, he helped cheer me up a lot.

I also noticed when I was sitting in his room that where he usually hung one of his weapons, it was replaced with a single, pretty butterfly necklace. I asked him what that was for, and he said "It's for you". And I got all excited and happy. And asked why, what for, etc... He said it had been one of my potential birthday presents. And that there were two others hanging about the room. I was shocked! I found two more, sterling silver necklaces. One was a music note, the other a key that had "faith" and a cross within the design. They were so dainty and simple, but beautiful.  He said he had been so overwhelmed with what to give me, that he didn't end up giving me any of them cause he was worried they weren't enough. It was just really sweet and compassionate, I was overwhelmed at once I guess, lol!

I guess that was a sign to me that I need to start thinking more optimistically about things; that I need to understand that no one is perfect. That I shouldn't focus on those wrongs and faults about Ethan, but see all the good. See his compassion, his care for me. He has his own way of showing it; but he is very sweet and caring, and even righteous and wise with a good head on his shoulders. Everyone messes up, and everyone is selfish and immature sometimes -- why should I hold that to him so strongly then?

I'm still going to be praying consistently and constantly for us though. Cause I know this relationship is only as strong as God wills it, is only as strong as God being consistently in it. He's the one in charge, not us; He's the one that brought us together, and is keeping us together. I need to put this relationship in His hands.

I'm ready for so many things!
- Halloween, Izumicon
- Fall clothes, new fashions
- Thanksgiving break, Winter break
- Less school work :P
- Time for drawing, reading

I need to be working out more; I did really well last week, but over the weekend I blew it :P I'm gonna' get back on the ball though tomorrow when I don't need to rely on coffee and sugar to keep me awake. It'll feel good to get to running again though and have my body be sore. I love feeling sore, haha.

I've done well with homework so far, and am making progress in cosplay. Overall productivity for the week has been very good so I hope to keep it that way! :)

Thank you all for your amazing support encouragement and care. Anytime I'm down, moody, grumpy, whatever, you ladies lift me up and help me through it, no matter how petty or silly or serious it seems. I love you all more than you know. My friends are amazing and I can't be more blessed to have you <3 p="p">

Monday, October 22, 2012


I'm just in a bad mood today :(

I want it to be winter break already... A whole month off from school. No homework at all, no dumb teachers. Just working, relaxing, friends, family and being away from freaking UCO.

I'm tired, I'm ready to graduate, I'm ready to move on with my life.

I just am sick of teachers. Apparently we were supposed to have stuff in the Dropbox on Thursday cause this coming Thursday we have it due to the client. I stayed up 'til 3 AM Wednesday night finishing up so it would be in there on time. She was supposed to critique it that day and give it back to us, and we put our revisions in the DB by 6 PM on Sunday. Well I checked Sunday morning, and she had no critique posted whatsoever on anyone's stuff. I checked today, nothing. So now, class tomorrow morning will either be her explaining things, or her getting unnecessarily annoyed with us for not having further revisions or progress.

But how CAN WE, when she doesn't do her job?! And it's not our job to email her to remind her, jeez.

Also, she took for-freaking-ever on one stupid poster/ticket project that practically the whole class did, that now, all our other projects have been ignored or pushed back cause critique took so long on that project, and she critiqued it every single day. I'm just so annoyed..

Another teacher has this stupid research paper due this week. She already pushed it back a week or so for some conference she didn't plan on. She originally stated how we had to set up a rough draft revision meeting with her and then have 2 peer reviews. Not in any certain order. But then she had to change that when she said she couldn't take anymore meetings past a certain time because of her conference. So that screwed me over, and the meeting time I had set with her, and I was never able to meet with her. My friend in class mentioned how we don't even need to have those reviews now cause she's been changing stuff so much.

I get an email from her a few days later saying "I've been reading some of your papers and it seems like none of you are doing peer reviews before meeting with me. That is a necessary requirement. You all should be paying attention to the requirements" and blah blah blah. SO ANNOYING. She's totally changed things on us three different times.

I'm just like "SCREW IT" and am writing the paper, not reviewing with her, turning it in, calling it done. It's annoying enough that this is a once a week class but she requires all this freaking homework and research papers and group projects on-top of her insane tests that require days of studying to do well on. I'm so done with this class. She also wants us to do some stupid poster along with the paper that's totally pointless. Just extra freaking work.

And then keeping up with my other classes is so annoying, Personal Finance is a joke, no one takes it seriously and everyone is not paying attention in class. It's beyond boring. It's nothing like a Financial Peace course, but instead, boring business/textbook definitions of every freaking thing with finance. I'm not doing well cause all these other classes have been priority. But even these other classes that are my priority and major courses can't get their crap in order.

I'm also just on my whit's end with freaking Lara and Cody. I'm sick of him barging in, I'm sick of her not regarding my feelings and dropping me for him. Seriously, her and I could be hanging out and having roomie time, and he just barges in and sits on the couch and throws his arms around her and I'm the third wheel, and she does NOTHING. She whines and complains if she hasn't seen him all day, when he lives right across the hall. Freaking get over it, I get lucky if I see Ethan a couple hours a week.

Literally, she came home, and I was super cold and distant towards her. Minutes later, Cody comes barging through the LOCKED DOOR, (God, can't he just knock instead of trying to walk in?) and they were all over each other talking and crap on the couch. Like seriously. I got up and left, came to my parent's house, not a word to them where I went. I don't even care anymore. I'm tired of trying to act nice and fake about it.

I just feel really lonely in that apartment, at UCO, even though I'm surrounded by people. Even coming to my parent's house, they're always to themselves and don't really try to cheer me up or hang out with me...

I'm about to pull my hair out from the loneliness, the bitterness, the constant driving back and forth and driving places just to get away. Why can't I just come back to my apartment and have THAT be a resort? But no, it's usually me hiding away in my room trying to ignore the couple I live with. I swear.

When I wanted to talk to Ethan about something involving us, and about seeing him, he told me he "didn't have time to have that kind of conversation, especially today". I just feel shut out and ignored everywhere and I'm about to break down, I just know it...

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

It's time.

I loooove this song. It's my new song I'm listening the crap out of. It just ... makes me feel inspired, encouraged, motivated to change and start something new and begin something, but all the while, understand it's okay to be who I am. Embrace and love yourself <3 p="p">
And I understand the video is representing a homosexual couple, but I thought it was just too sweet. The video is adorable, and the message is even better. He's encouraging him to move on with his life and give himself so much more since he has so much potential; lovingly sending him off to chase his dream. I see it also see it as a best friend singing to his best friend. :)

How's everyone's week going so far? Mine has been okay, just tons of homework and projects (what else is new? Haha!) I also have a research paper to write. Bleh.

It is more interesting than other research papers I've done though, it's comparing two different designers -- one famous, legendary "rockstar" and a modern/contemporary, new "rockstar". We compare and contrast the reasons and criteria that make them rock-stars and how they hold up against one another. I think it will be pretty interesting to research, I'm just not good at organizing my thoughts into an essay :P

I went to the library yesterday to get books for it, and forgot how easily I can get lost in there. It's soooo quiet and peaceful. I was in the 3rd floor looking at the design books and got carried away looking at way more than I needed to, haha. There's a lot of great reference material, illustration and advertising manuals, and tons of great research on specific design styles and designers. I need to utilize research more and more to develop myself further -- it is rather important.


Tonnns of updates/progress check-lists. Mainly for me, but also, to look back on and re-check off next blog. It helps keep me in check of things, lol.

Daily work-out regime:

- Jog/power walk at least 10 minutes a day
- 15-20 minutes core, upper and lower body work-outs (including: squats, Russian twists, crunches, lunges, etc...)
- Possibly the weight machines/cardio machines if I have time (mainly upper body and core)

Work-out goals (to be achieved by the end of the year)

- Jog/power walk at least 20 minutes a day
- Run a mile each day (maybe even start timing mile run: starting goal: 15 min. mile)
- 30 minutes straight core
- 15 full-push-ups each session
- Strengthened upper body; able to take on more weight
- Lose 20 lbs./tone up
- Shoot for lowering %'age of body weight


- Drink recommended amount of water a day (64 ounces) to more than recommended amount (gallon = 100+ ounces) to make up for sweating during work-outs
- No longer eat heavy past 7:00 PM (exceptions = friend outings/family outings/special plans; I will sacrifice elsewhere though to make up for it, or eat way less)
- Portioned meals.
- Adhere to calorie counting and shoot for low-sugar meals.
- Bigger breakfast, smaller lunch, smallest dinner
- Snack here and there, healthy, to maintain daily metabolism
- Ween away from soda (probably the hardest part of the diet yet, gonna' try to limit it to twice a week I allow myself soda)
- Resist sweets (candy chocolate, baked goods, etc...) as much as possible (rarely is it a temptation to me, but I can cave in sometimes)

I'm getting better! And am going to push myself harder. I also have a cruise to look forward to I want to shape up for. ;D Gotta' look nice in a swimsuit and formal wear again.

Cosplay progress:

Izumicon cosplays: Photo Finish (MLP; Friday or Sunday), Princess Cadence (MLP; Friday night formal & Saturday), Rinoa Heartilly (FF; Friday or Saturday)

Princess Cadance = 45% done!

- Order Cadance wig
- Corset backing to dress
- Ribbon bow belt for dress
- Find new Cadance shoes?? (gold/metallic)
- Jewelry?? (gold/metallic)
- Shorten/hem dress??
- Translucent shawl/saran for arms??
- Contacts?? (purple/magenta)
- Make tiara
- Make necklace
- Make cutie-mark broach
- Make & paint wings
- Make & paint unicorn horn
- Make & paint ears

Photo Finish = 25% done!

- Order Photo Finish wig
- Buy Photo Finish shoes
- Add ribbon to Photo Finish skirt
- Black gloves??
- Add jewels (???) to Photo Finish skirt - solve problem
- Buy teal stockings
- Find large sunglasses/modify sunglasses
- Find striped blouse
- Buy fabric for scarf, make scarf

Rinoa = 100% done, just tweaking/ironing out

- Retry everything on, good and ready to go
- New tank-top?
- New way to fasten duster
- Get boots from Sable

PROGRESS DEADLINE = goal to be done by this weekend Oct. 19-21

- Cadence: started on broach, necklace, tiara and wings; search for new shoes; research contacts possibility
- Photo Finish: order wig, order teal stockings, find sunglasses, buy fabric for scarf, add ribbon to skirt, find blouse?? (scout out more places)


Main goal is to be done a few days before Izumicon; I don't want to be working on it the night before, that's insanity. @_@ And way too stressful. I gotta work hard on the weekends on stuff or else it won't get done. Hopefully I can get together with Ethan and he can help me make some of these accessories, I want them to be stable and professional looking so they can last for future cons. So probably gonna' get a fiberglassing and poly-resin lesson. Yay!

3 weeks really to get it all done.... AAAHHH! Freaking out a little, but it honestly shouldn't be too bad. It LOOKS like a lot, but it really isn't a lot, haha.

I also may try to throw together a fun rave outfit; maybe get tons of jewelry from those $1 jewelry stores, some neon-colored stuff from other places and figure something out. Haha! I haven't been to a rave in a while; hopefully I will be feeling up to do this one and get to dance the night away :)

Soooo many things I'm looking forward tooooo~

Mattie comes back in a day, this weekend is going to be fannnnnnnnntastic and wonderful and well-needed. I also get to sleep in on Thursday 'cause our teacher cancelled class :DDDDD Halloween is coming up, which means being in costume at work and tons of fun! Maybe a Halloween party? Who knows, lol. Fall is also here finally, which means amazing weather and hues of orange, red and yellow everywhere. <3 i="i" m="m" p="p" so="so" stoked="stoked">
LOVE YOU ALL! Keep me wishing luck to keep doing my best. :) Your support and constant encouragement really helps. I truly have the best friends ever!

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

This is my happy ending.

This show is ... beyond amazing. I'm such a sucker for fairytales, and this one couldn't have done it any better. Man. I love all the stories. All the characters. I've never been so sucked in.

So, I'm noticing I'm starting to get out of anime and manga. Not like, "omg, I hate it" or "ew", lol. More like I just haven't been motivated or inspired by it lately. I haven't really watched a lot of anime or read a lot of manga this year, now that I think about it. My style of art is changing as well; the main shows/fandoms I've been into aren't technically "anime".

It's kinda' hard for me to be considered an anime nerd then, or "otaku" anymore. I guess I'm just... a nerd. Haha. I love Legend of Korra and Avatar: The Last Airbender. The Avengers, Wonder Woman, comic books... my Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. I'm getting into real-time shows, like Once Upon a Time, Big Bang Theory, Mad Men, New Girl, etc... Heck, I've been watching Disney and Pixar movies more than anime. Idk, I guess my interests are shifting and changing. I still will always adore anime; but, the only anime that intrigues me anymore is the dynamic plot/characters, animation/art, storyline, etc... Romeo x Juliet is the perfect example. Or the style of LOK or Avatar. It's hard to find that kind of fluidity and beautiful animation in most Japanese anime though. A lot of it seems simpler.

Am I making any sense? Hahaha.

I guess I'm just discovering my sources of inspiration lately, and it's really exciting.

Like today in class we turned in a poster project for a concert coming up; mine didn't make it but a lot of the other ones turned in were so amazing and beautiful, guh, hard to explain, but FANTASTIC work. Unique, cool, classy. I loved them! I felt so inspired and motivated, even though mine didn't do well (though, I guess half of it did: my teacher loved my type layout so much, she told another student to collaborate with me to use my type for her poster; so that was a plus!) Just other things too... I feel constantly motivated and inspired within graphic design.

I LOVE collecting and looking at unique design; I can get lost in a store for hours just looking at stuff. I'm falling in love with visual communication and new ways to express ideas visually. Someone today complimented me on work she saw I was doing (I was doing it during class lol >.< Personal Finance is a blow off class though) and it just made my day. It made me realize, "Hey, I'm going to be doing this kinda stuff and getting paid for it -- I like that!" Idk, I guess I just had an epiphany/realization moment.

Sure, I complain a lot and don't feel good enough, yaddah yaddah. But it's days like this that, with the right mindset, I just truly realize how excited I am. And how I want to push harder.

It's also making me so much more open minded -- how a beautiful design can be something that's crunched up, torn and shoved in a doorway. (Lol, long story)

When I start to feel down, I NEED to remind myself of all that's good and exciting about my future career -- and that needs to be my fuel and motivation.

In other news -- cosplay! Yeah, I need to get started >.< Who knows what I'll get done for Izumicon, BUT, the weekend will be fun regardless. I hope there's a lot of good artists :3 If anything, I'm going to make some business cards for my photography and just run around the con taking pictures and then passing out cards to cosplayers. That way I can spread my name out more. I haven't done a photoshoot for commission in a while, so I really need to get back into that. Any money I can scrape up and save anywhere will be helpful.

Lesse. What else...

Oh right! I calculated the 365 days project, I mean I kinda' blew it, but whatever. Lol. I've filled up one sketchbook, and then almost another. So far I have 136 "days" drawn, which leaves me off at May 16th XD I'm gonna' try to just keep sketching as much as I can a day or when I sit down to draw to try and get caught up. I know it's not drawing everyday, but, at least it's still drawing and drawing a lot when I do.

A couple hours after eating dinner I was super bored and just lazing around, I felt tempted to snack or eat again, or get a soda...

But, instead of doing that I:
- Painted my nails
- Did my work-out routine (mainly abs and then squats/legs)
- Picked up my room
- Did some drawing exercises
- Updated my design notebook with my various process work lying around

Tomorrow I have work, which means standing and walking around the store all day, and then I have class later on; that rarely gives me time to snack/boredom eat in between those, so that's good. My hardest time will be Thursday, Friday and Saturday 'caaaause I have no class or work. LOL. I need to be productive instead.

I feel so much better getting all THAT done instead of eating or snacking and feeling lazy though :P I'm not gonna' lie, I feel hungry right now, but I don't want to eat late anymore. I'm gonna' try to not eat past 7-8 PM. I've messed up a couple times this past week, but, I'm getting better. It's a slow process.


I CAN'T WAIT 'TIL MATTIE COMES BACCKKKK. AGGHH! So many things to look forward to. x3 I'm ready for just tons of fun time, it's been kind of dragging lately just doing school work and work-work with little time for friends. I'm stoked though, so much coming up.

Love you guys! :D And thanks for still reading my ramblings! haha

Saturday, October 6, 2012

I had to look away.

This was a dream I had recently O.O it was very odd, and probably came from lack of sleep plus watching the Avengers before bed... but anyway, here we go. How it's written/dialogue mainly goes with the plot; but a lot of it did happen in the dream.

= = = =

"This is where you'll be staying." They were holding onto my arm fiercly. I remained numb, quiet towards them. They shoved me into the cell and the doors slammed shut, sounding like gunfire hitting metal. My kept my back towards them until I heard them leave.

It was odd how clean the cell looked; the floors were kept very clean, and almost seemed like tile. The walls were maintained, the bed even appeared decent to sleep in. It had a simple sheet set and blanket, with one pillow. I even had a window on the opposite wall. Natural light was pouring in, making the cell seem less like jail and more like a very bare room, however, those bars that burned behind my back and cast shadows beneath my feet kept reality in check. I squinted.

I was still so confused, still awakening from my once unconscious state; why was I here? What did I even do? My stomach was turning and my heart ached. Was this going to be forever? I missed so many people already... I was waiting to hear the horror sounds of a jail, as seen and heard in movies. However, nothing. Just the natural signs of the outdoors, a bird chirping even. Why was there a window that could lead to a prisoner's escape? The easiness of it made me even more weary about ever trying. There had to be a catch.

I sat on the bed and time went by. Before I knew it, it was dusk. My fingers were laced together, clutched tightly. Someone came to the bars, a cop. "Time for a break."

Break? I pressed my lips together, remaining quiet but stood up and followed. I was lead out to a courtyard, a rather nice one, actually; there was green grass and a hill, with a covered area with picnic tables and even a basketball court on the other side. The prison was oddly co-ed, however, there seemed to be no problems with it. No creeps, pedophiles, anything; everyone appeared about the age of 19-25, give or take a couple years. Such a young specified prison, that was nice and well maintained? It seemed odd, and fishy.

A lot of other prisoners were gathered there, all donned in the grayish one piece uniforms. I looked around, I knew no one; everyone else was either loners, "don't mess with me" types or were clumped into groups. I sighed and sat down, clutching my knees to my chest. I was trying to decipher possibilities of where I was and why I was here, but everything was fuzzy. I squeezed my eyes shut, hoping to be whisked away.

Cops and prison guards were at the top of the hill talking to all of us now. One in particular, a female in an all black suit was talking. It all felt like some sort of orientation; everyone was quiet and listening. In a normal jail, would everything else be this calm? Was referring to the movies and the books of pop culture too naive? But still -- even if the place was well maintained and nice looking, the criminals thrown into a prison wouldn't be so calm, quiet and uniform; they wouldn't be listening so easily, behaving. They'd be jumping or escaping out the windows of their cells, they'd be climbing over the easily accessible walls of the courtyard. This hardly felt like a jail, save for the metal barred sliding doors to each cell.

What was going on?

I didn't catch much of what they were saying but we were all soon escorted back to our cells. It was nighttime now. I was brought to my cell and the doors opened; however, someone was sitting there in the small chair against the wall. He was hunched over, his fingers pressed together and his elbows resting on his knees. He had black hair, slicked back, contrasting against his pale skin. His eyes were green from what I could tell, and his demeanor very mysterious and out of place. I looked back at the guard, about to speak up, but he escorted me in and shut the door anyway. "The place is pretty full; if anyone leaves, you'll get their new cell. Until now, get used to it." Then, he walked off.

It was just this stranger and I left now.

For a while, it was quiet. I sat in the farthest corner away from him, slightly terrified. Now the horrors of prison were settling in; it was nighttime, not a soul here cared about me, and I was now in this single locked prison cell with some strange man, possibly a criminal, I've never met before. I constantly fought back tears, trying to remain as motionless as possible. But inwardly, I was screaming, sobbing, desperate for help or an explanation. WHAT was going on?

Nothing happened for a couple hours. He remained still and on his side of the cell; I remained on mine. I remained awake I was too scared to sleep. The prison was overall quiet, with muffled whispers here and there, and creaks of mattresses as restless prisoners attempted sleep. I found myself sinking into sleep, my whole body fatigued and cramped; my body sunk and I had the sensation of falling: and my eyes jerked open, and I reflexed. My heart pounded and my body jerked so heavily my head slung back and hit the wall. It sounded as horrible as it felt, and my whole head was pounding, my vision blotted. I felt dizzy and nauseous and I held a hand to my head, and sunk to the floor.

New terrors sprung in my mind; I'm going to become un-concious, and that's when this man will attack; he will take advantage of me, he could even kill me with his bare hands if he wanted to, and it'd make it one less body for the prison guards to have to manage and handle. The tears finally started to flow, and a gross choke left my lips as I curled into a shaking mess, and let it all out.

I didn't really care right now what was going to happen; I had to let this ball of confusion, sadness, anxiety and terror out of me before it started to eat away at my sanity. I didn't know how long I was going to be here, I didn't even know why I was here. I saw the faces of all those I loved behind my squeezed eyes: My parents. Ethan. Cheryl. Mattie... all my friends.... I even saw instructors and  fellow peers from school, even their faces at this moment would be more than welcome. I wanted nothing more but to run into my parents arms and just be held and told it'd be okay. Did they think I was still peacefully going about my life in Edmond at the apartment? Was I even in Oklahoma anymore?

I didn't know how much time passed when I heard him finally speak up. It was at this point that I realized I had been completely vulnerable and defeated and he hadn't done anything yet. My guard was still up though as he spoke: "What on Earth is wrong?" He said. The words sounded cold, but it was also like he was trying to seem concerned without appearing attached or curious.

I didn't answer him at first. Then, I heard him shift and stand. My eyes shot open and I saw his shadow moving closer. I shot up and stared up at him, my heart racing. My body was now in survival mode; I didn't know how I could take him on, he was awfully tall and appeared strong. But who knows, with everything else going on I didn't know about, maybe I became stronger.

He stopped in front of me, and was staring at me. His eyes glowed a greenish blue, and his frame was elegantly lit by the moonlight. He had a very regal stature, even within prison rags. His hair was slightly more disheveled now, as if he'd been running his fingers through it constantly in stress. "I am not going to do anything to you, so you can calm down."

His words did calm me, his voice was deep and soothing. He crouched down in front of me, was closer this time. It was annoying to me because I couldn't help but admit he was a very handsome man; regal, almost royal looking. Mysterious and alluring. I instantly shifted my eyes away from his face, suddenly feeling very self-concience about my appearance to him. My hand touched my hair, it felt recently washed but still tangled and scragy. It was long and my bangs hung in my face as I ducked my head down. I'm sure my eyes were sunken and red, my face was splotchy and tear-stained. I didn't look nearly as regal or wonderful, even as a prisoner. I felt irritated and upset by this; but at the same time, it was better than feeling lonely, anxious, confused, terrified, I guess.

He sat down next to me, his shoulder barely touching mine. My heart was still pounding, my guards still up. "Do you know.. why you are here?" He asked me. What, did YOU? I wanted to ask him. But I just shook my head quietly..

"Mmm no. Everything is fuzzy."

"Ah. Hm." He grew quiet again. I decided to be conversational, or, at least curious.

"Um.. do you? If you don't mind me asking.." I looked over at him, he had a very nice profile. I tried to keep focused.

"I am not sure. I know I am not well liked among these mortals, however, I am unaware as to why I am here." These mortals? I couldn't help but keep my face from seeming perplexed. I guess I was stupefied and staring because he looked over. A smile crept onto his face; it seemed rather mischievous. My guards shot up again and I averted my gaze.

"I am not some simple human like you; I am beyond that, destined for so much more." His hands clasped together in anger and his gaze burned forward ahead of him; but at something beyond what was in the prison entirely. "and yet, I can never obtain it. I am always bested, or something else I can not plan outsmarts me..."

"I.. can listen." I don't know why I said it. I honestly want to throw a rope around my words and take it all back, lasso it in and remain quiet and to myself. However, I spit it out so quickly and so genuinely that it almost seemed to even take him off guard -- he turned his head to look at me. He seemed perplexed, off guard, taken aback. I retracted my gaze and looked down at the ground instead.

However, what happened next surprised me.

He told me everything; things I couldn't believe, wrap my mind around, understand. Magic, gods, otherworldly dimensions. However, I listened. I listened intently and remained quiet but engaged. He spoke angrily at points, sadly at others. He was consistently struggling between the good in him and he evil in him; he knew of his real life versus the life he grew up in, however, he was being torn in two from both sides. Part of him longed for the torture and suffering of those that hurt him, double-sided him; but part of him remained attached some how, intact with those emotions he wanted to be free of. Even as he spoke of being murderous or cynical, bitter and serial, I wasn't scared. Because he was vulnerable at this point, speaking to me and opening up in a way that no true killer or psycho-case would. Regardless of any events from here on out, this moment defined a spark of humanity in him --

even if he was the god of mischief.