Thursday, October 10, 2013

He was my person.

Their first performance. I started crying watching Finn walk on and sing. It all feels so different watching it now.

I know it's just a television show, but I really connected with this show when I first saw it. Nerds and outcasts feeling like they can belong through a unified passion.

And Finn was the cool kid that broke the barrier between "social classes" in their high school. He accepted and loved them all even though he wasn't "supposed" to. He was the jock, the quarterback, but most of all? He was a charming boy with a steal-your-heart voice, dashing smile and heart of gold.

He was always my favorite character -- there were times I didn't like his character or the choices, but I usually always cheered Finn on. He was the team leader. He was their quarterback, and now he's gone. :'( He was seriously starting to steal my heart all over again and was the only shining light left about the show in recent seasons...

They did a really fantastic job memorializing him this episode though. And did it tastefully. Mainly the original/older cast sang who could be apart of it. They technically had Finn die in the show, which I thought was the only way they could do it -- allow the cast to grieve together, and have closure. Not force them to pretend "Finn" was off somewhere in the world happy and alive as ever when he was truly not. The episode even attempted its quirky sense of humor in small, tactful bits, but there was still enough genuine and raw emotion that it left me crying with an aching heart. What we witnessed was true grief, not just acting.

The hardest part was just how real it all felt. Hold close to those you love. Tell them you love them everyday, be fully with them when you are with them. Regardless... You never know when you'll lose them, or how soon. Even the young can die -- we're not invincible. As Rachel's character choked back sobs, whispering how "he was her person", it made me realize that Rachel's true actor was Lea Michelle, and Lea Michelle's true love wasn't Finn, but Cory Monteith; and Cory was gone. Lea and Cory were meant to be married in a year. Lea's person was gone now.

To me, he was Finn. And he will forever live on as Finn.

This isn't make believe.


So, last night browsing Facebook I came across an interesting article. Some event or speaker is coming up on October the 19th - he wrote a book? - to discuss some "historical discoveries/confessions" he came across to try and prove that Jesus Chris was a fictional character.

My heart sunk when reading this because it hurt so much to see people so radically against Christianity that they'd seek this kind of information out... the man says how he doesn't want to "intentionally hurt Christians in this way, but the world needs to know this truth". Within the article though it actually doesn't mention "confessions" but just "discoveries" and anything nowadays can be forged.

It's just scary that belief and faith can be wavered so easily, and that people are regularly trying to point their canons our way -- he mentions how this could be the "end of Christianity as we know it". He was mentioning how for Christians that want "a sure fire way out", this will give them "closure". He's also targeting "Christians" that use Christ's name for wrong (like Westboro Baptist Church, and others).

He's basically saying how the New Testament was written by a bunch of Romans who wanted to create a story that would help "control" their republic more -- I.E.: talk about this peaceful Messiah who has a "turn-the-cheek" philosophy instead of one that teaches to fight back, etc... that it's "Caesar's Jesus", and they use the Christian philosophy as a tactic for government control.

Regardless of what he's saying, I still believe in Christ, and His sacrifice, and God's plan for us. Who knows what this man has to say at this conference. I honestly don't know if I should even read it or watch it. I may pray about that.

The Old Testament frequently hints to Christ's birth, there have been ancient discoveries made that prove Noah's Ark. The idea of the pure suffering or being sacrificed for the unclean is consistent -- sacrificial lamb, giving up Isaac to God, etc... I myself have had lucid dreams of prophecy within the Bible, within the lines of Revelations and the end of the Earth and being raptured. I've had dreams where Jesus is in my dream, and I'm hugging Him and walking with Him. I felt a true Presence there -- not just some figment. My personal testimonies pale in comparison to what some people have witnessed: like those close to death speaking to someone not visible in the room to other eyes? Reaching out and smiling and talking about going Home peacefully? Who do you think was there? A hallucination?

Why would God not fulfill His promise to His people and give us a path of salvation? How can we answer where we truly came from, where sin came from, why humans are the way we are, without eventually looking toward a Creator? Can we REALLY think that it all came from a spontaneous explosion in the sky? That all the minuscule and atomic details and parallels within life were just "by chance" or "by science", and not intelligently thought out? So yes, there is a God, a Creator. So... why would a Creator leave His Creation hopeless and on their own? To die and just be in darkness instead of have an Eternal Home? Like that Rob Bell video = EVERYTHING is spiritual. and EVERYTHING can relate back to God and most of all, Christ.

I've witnessed the transformative power of believing in Christ within myself, and others. If this is all based around some "fictional character", no one would have true Joy. It would some how be deluded and forgotten in due time. We'd waver and instead of coming back, we'd stay gone. We'd find a new way.

But there is a Christ. There is Eternal hope through Him. I KNOW it. I know they'll probably argue that the "brain is a powerful thing" and that we are all "tricking ourselves" into believing these supernatural feelings. Sure, whatever. But how can you feel something deep in your spirit and soul, uncontrolled by your brain if it weren't true? How can you feel like rejoicing every time you have a new brother or sister in Christ if we're meant to be selfish humans and not TRULY care for others' souls? How can "make-believe" send hundreds upon thousands into mission fields, or create martyrs for our faith?

I don't care what this guy has to say. He's going to approach everything from an intellectual, logical standpoint. Which is all good and fine, but something like faith and belief can't be defined or caged by logic and intelligence. Even those without intelligence or logic, if they have faith and spirit, it's TRULY there -- it's defined, and nothing can take that away.

I believe revival has never been more apparent in our World -- this is just a ploy by Satan to trip believers up in what their faith is. Honestly, upon reading that article, I felt rattled. I felt shaken and sad and confused -- and that wasn't even the full story. I attempted sleep but tossed and turned. But in my times of fret and doubt, Christ has a way of reassuring me all is okay -- in ways He knows I'll understand.

I remember stirring from a half-sleep and kicking through my covers, sighing with exasperation. My eyes opened but all I saw was darkness. Typical. I rolled over, trying to force myself into a comfortable position to sleep again, but my troubled mind would not feel comfortable yet. I hated that I read that, I hated that my soul rattled with worry and doubt. I hated that the sinful human in me was imperfect and was almost crying out to be shaken, to fall off the path and run the other way. I curled my fingers into the comforter and was about to burrow myself before my eye caught something in the room.

A single shred of light was coming through the window. With my half rested eyes, this light appeared bright and contrasted sharply against the swarming darkness. It was the middle of the night, but this light seemed as welcoming and calming as day. I peeked over the top of the covers, and a sudden comfort seemed to flood my soul as I stared at that light. I knew I wasn't dreaming, the entire moment was very real; but, I also knew that my window shutters couldn't have been that cracked to let forth such a beautiful shard of light.

"My heart will sing...."

I sighed with contentment and rested my head my eyes growing heavy as I watched the light.

"... no other name..." 

A song played in my mind, as if lulling me to sleep. I smiled and let it take me. The light slowly disappeared but only due to my eyes slowly falling shut, letting my soul escape into dreams and peace.

"... Jesus, Jesus."

Regardless of my sinful nature, I knew where my heart stood, and with whom it stood with. Jesus always spoke to me most through my dreams, through moments of vulnerability. This world may be confusing, imperfect and tumultuous -- but God's love is as simple and beautiful as a shard of light in total darkness.

Saturday, October 5, 2013


... but sometimes, maybe, that's a good thing?

I stop and look down at my scuffed boots on the rain stained concrete. It's October, and I feel it in the air: the pulse of fall is invigorating. The distant sound of rustling leaves, the smell of awakened coffee shops and pumpkin lattes. Collapsing into a warm bed on a cool day for a blissful nap. Reading yellowed pages by firelight, squishing pumpkin seeds in your fingers, laughter on your lips, dusk-time, sweaters, scarves. With a content smile, I keep walking.

I feel overewhelmed, constantly. By both good, and bad. But, is that so wrong? Is that so stressful?

How are people that aren't overwhelmed? What do they think about?

I have passion in my soul. Conviction in my being. Fire in my eyes. I'd rather get riled up and passionate than feel nothing. I'd rather be overwhelmed and busy and stressed than lacking anything to do. I'd rather be suffocated with inspiration and dreams than be left only shrugging my shoulders and curling my lips tight. I'd rather have sleepless nights than glazed eyes. I'd rather have an enflamed heart than deadness, dryness, emptiness. I smiled and clutched my bag to my chest, letting out a sigh.

aybe it's time to start embracing the stress, and embrace being overwhelmed - that's just proof that God is working in your life so actively that your body and mind and spirit are trying to keep up. Sure it's hard. Sure it can lead to many feelings; anger, depression, madness, confusion. But let's take each day at a time. Just as fall takes each little thing to become one amazing season: let's take each little blunder, each stress, each accomplishment to become better spirits shedding God's light.

It's good. It's a blessing.

Instead of dashing through the rain like all those around me, I closed my eyes and lifted my head -- soak it in, I felt Him whisper. This is just the start of the best year of your life. Await My glory for you.

I'm ready, God.

- - - - - 

Excitement<3 i="">
- Cosplaying Ariel! & Emma!
- Once Upon a Time and Korra
- Illustration show!
- Sweaters!
- Best friends <3 p="">- Cool weather
- Most of all... God's work in my life!

I love all you ladies. Seriously, my best friends. :') And I'm so blessed to have you in my life. I hope everyone is having a blessed day!