Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Next to me.

Today's been weird.

I gave myself the day off up until 3 PM, from then 'til now I've been doing homework/projects... which is fine I guess, I'm used to it. I'm just ready for a full day's break, where I'm not thinking about homework all the time you know?

I'm finally caught up on sleep too which is nice. I feel so sluggish though from poor diet. I get paid tomorrow so I can finally get groceries! Instead of eating crappy, cheap junk food and cold leftover pizz. Ugh.

It's sleeting right now?! Really. I remember walking to the design building when it was muggy/humid/warm, that was around 3:30 PM -- and when I left around 10:30 it was FREEZING! Guh, Oklahoma. Make up your mind. Yep, 80% chance of freezing rain tonight and 60% chance tomorrow.. I wonder if that means school would be cancelled? That may just be the break I need. Let's hope so! (though it would suck, since I worked so long today to get my project done that's due tomorrow... whatever :P)

Other than that...

Well, me and Ethan have been weird lately. Idk. I just feel like I haven't been praying about the relationship. I've gotten lazy about it, worldly. I need to look into it spiritually, objectively. Is this what I really want, what's good for me right now, etc. I honestly don't know. I don't feel significantly lead to stay in the relationship but I don't feel significantly lead to leave it either. I just feel kinda' neutral about it right now.

He just shared something on FB today that really bothered me. It was an image that talked about if you believe in what Obama does, you're a traitor, and if you voted for him for reason 1, 2, 3, and so on you're an idiot, moron, racist, etc... it was really offensive and insulting. Not to me personally, but I'm sure to tons of liberals/Obama supporters. Like seriously, it was hateful. I got really upset about it and tried to talk to him and say it wasn't showing love, but he just kept saying how "Americans should know this truth" and didn't see what I was saying. He even brought up how this stuff is "more important than cartoons and video games" which REALLY hurt because since he randomly brought that up, it sounded like he was saying that's all I believed in.

I almost cried, I was so upset. I didn't talk to him the rest of the day.

Idk. During that whole argument/conversation, I made a Christian playlist on Spotify and just bathed in God's worship. I need to be listening to this kind of music more often -- it really refocuses my mind and grounds me. Popular and secular stuff is usually nothing but empty songs singing about shallow things...


I just feel like if God came to me tonight and said, "Meghan, give up your relationship for Me right now," I'd not hesitate. I just feel so unattached to it right now, I feel unattached to Ethan right now. I guess it's a combination of just always being so far from him, as well as his physical and emotional distance from me. I don't feel anything from him anymore, so how can I possibly give to the relationship all the time? He'd rather share and post negative crap like that than talk about positive things, or share sweet things with me, or funny things with others. Like really?

I guess that's a good thing though, I should never change that mindset, honestly. NOTHING should come before Christ, not even a relationship or being in love. Maybe I'd been too idolizing of it and wrapped up in it, and God is using this as a wake-up call/red flag to get my attention.

My mood right now is just that God is the only one I can really lean on anymore. Not saying I can't lean on y'all, but, for true joy, I need to rely on Christ. I find myself getting so lonely often cause I can't see you guys or hang out with people or do things. I find myself getting bitter about things easily. I need to give that all up to God. God's right next to me, all the time.

Which reminds me. MY NEW favorite song, Next to Me by Emelie Sande. Ugh, hits home. It's so good. It plays on secular stations, but I'm pretty sure it's singing about Christ/God. If not, well, I interpret it that way.

It's 2:30, I'm tired and emotional and listening to Bring Him Home from Les Miserables. Lol why am I doing this to myself! :'P

I hope everyone else is having a great week so far. It's halfway through tomorrow!

Monday, April 8, 2013


If there's any chance a human can cross into the Parallel, it's a slim one. From there, the chance of encountering your Mirror is exceptionally rare -- naturally the push and pull of life of the Real World and the Parallel keeps Mirrors and Beings from interacting.

However, I was never one to stay within regular chance.

I was in mid battle, Braden and Damian beside and ahead of me with blazing weapons and ferocious spirits. It was a normal game kill battle, trying to find dinner for the night. The sun had hit the horizon and twilight painted the sky -- overall, it was a beautiful evening. Still, quiet, lovely.

However, seeing her, it all changed around me: sound was vacuumed away, everything grew still as if time had stopped, yet the sky rapidly bled into darker colors of night, clouds streaking across the sky. She stood on the opposite side of the forest, her head turned towards me as her body remained in motion of walking -- her eyes locked dead onto mine and I was frozen.

It was truly like looking into a Mirror -- except, Mirror beings are always exceptionally beautiful in comparison to their counterparts. Opposite of my slightly wavy, mousier brown hair, hers was wild and luscious with thick waves, black as night and whipping around her face. Her complexion was perfect ivory and smooth, while mine was freckled and flushed with battle. Her lips wine red, mine were dried and chapped. Her eyes glowed the Mirror green color while mine flickered pale gray. And while I wore a tattered tunic and light battle gear, she was donned in a form fitting and elegant black gown that glittered like the night sky. She donned my face, my body frame, my eyes -- she looked like me, but was nothing like me at all.

I was entranced by her poise, her grace, her utter beauty -- it was like looking at me, how I could be if I tried. However, I knew she was a supernatural being, Mirrors all are -- no real Being could be as beautiful, as regal, as stunning, and yet, Mirrors resembled the counterpart of all Beings. A twisted world, this Parallel was.

She wore a small smirk as her gaze faded from mine. Slowly she turned away, and then, materialized. She vanished in almost the same instant I'd seen her, yet I had felt like we'd been standing there for centuries. My heart was pacing wildly in my chest -- what did this mean, that I saw her? I was terrified yet mystified -- I wanted to know more about her, but some part of me knew that I should completely run the other way.

"Emmy, what's your deal?" I snapped out of it, whipping around to face a rather irritated Damian. Braden peeked over his shoulder, lips twisted in a confused frown.

"Ah, uh, sorry."

"We get 3/4 of the food tonight since we fought for most of it anyway while you stood there like a wide-eyed doe," Damian snarled, smirking and slinging the game bag over his shoulder. "Come on, let's get camp started before nightfall."

"Right," I stated immediately. I let Damian walk by, but before Braden could as well, I latched onto his arm. He could tell something was wrong because I was shaking.

"What's wro--"

"I saw her, Braden..." I whispered, my voice trembling. "I don't know if she intended for me to or not, but in an instant during our battle, I saw her. My Mirror..."

"What?" Braden hissed, trying to keep his voice low. He seemed panicked. "Well what does this mean?"

I sighed. "I have no clue... I'm still so unfamiliar with this world. But I feel like, whatever it does mean, it can't be good."

Saturday, April 6, 2013

Parallel Snippet

I was caught again by a branch. My tunic was snagged and ripped, my pants cut up to reveal deep bruises and gashes across my skin. A hiss escaped through clenched teeth as I yanked my arm away, irritating my dislocated shoulder and shooting pain like lightening through my body. The pain dizzied me, and I fell to my knees.

The forest was swirling around me now. The red sky was darkening, the trees blurring together. My vision hazed, but I heard a voice. Damian? Braden? Please, someone.

"A pity, this is."


Fear shot through my heart. I clutched my blade attached to my thigh and held my breath, remaining as still as possible. I allowed myself however to sink down completely, as if I'd finally allowed myself to black out. Play dead, Damian always told me. In this world, your safest with eyes closed - they can't read your thoughts, they can't toy with you, control you: they can't tell if you're lying. 

Play dead to stay alive.

I wanted so badly to cry out in defeat when she drew closer, but I didn't. Crack. Snap. Branches breaking under her boots. She drew closer, I felt her ice cold breeze.

I felt the world dim slightly even through closed eyelids; she must've been kneeling down next to me, her shadow casting across my face. I felt icy fingers grab my chin. I did my best to remain still as she inspected my face.

"Tsk, tsk..."

Any belief I was alive, she could control me. Dopplegangers were too powerful.

"Too warm, too light; too innocent, too bright," she sighed. "Snuff her out in an instant, I will." Her presence faded. She was quiet; I didn't know what she was doing. She could be preparing to kill me; she could have left. Who knows.

"Oh, oh oh. What have we here?"

Who was there?

I heard heavier stepping, brisk stepping and then a halt. Whoever it was was standing on the other side of me. When the figure spoke, my heart lifted with relief.

"Emma... there's nothing here for you anymore."

Emma's haunting laugh could chill blood. "Ooooh, but, Damian, dead she lies here... Important to me that most certainly is."

"You're stronger without her around, so why does it matter? Shouldn't you be happy and moving on?"

Emma was quiet. Another chilling laugh and then a scoff and she spoke again. "Curiosity is our binding trait."

"Leave, Emma." Damian's snarl sent chills up my spine. I imagined his eyes: red, glowing, smoldering through her soul. Or, what she lacked of a soul.

"Mmm, petty humans you protect now. Interesting, that is." She chuckled again and within a breath, the  cold presence vanished with a nothing more than a light breeze -- Emma was gone, again, thankfully.

I let out a cry of relief, my whole body heaving in breath. Damian instantly crouched next to me, a hand pressed into my lower back. "Are you alright?" he asked sternfully. I sat up, brushing back my unruly hair and letting out a heavy sigh. I was shaky, cold, uncomfortable and in intense amounts of pain - but, with Emma gone for the time being, I couldn't have felt better.

"I-I'm fine."

Damian took no less. He nodded firmly and stood up. "We should get going then." He would have almost walked completely away had my next action not frozen him in his place.

For the first time since everything began, I started sobbing.

The forest hung with silence. Birds stopped their flight, the wind in the trees stilled. As if the Parallel, even in all its twisted ways, found a moment of sympathy and respect for me. My body racked with sobs, shaking me from the core. "Why? Why? WHY?!"

Damian remained standing, his back turned towards me, frozen in place.

"I'm so.. I'm so tired of being hunted by her! I'm so tired of this place! I want to go home, I want my father, I want my family back... I want to be normal again! I'm tired of THIS HELL!" I hissed slamming my fist into the soil and grinding it between my fingers.

"Sh-She's so vindictive, so snarling, so cruel.. I'm terrified of her, D-Damian, and she's the other side of me?! WHAT, in God's name, does that say about me?!" I shrieked. The pain and fear hitting me all at once left my body in banshee shrieks and howls, sobs and shouts. Everything that had happened... Learning the truth of my mother, losing Braden... Being so far from my father, far from hope to even save him... Failing time and time again, just as I did before entering this hell. It all rushed through me, escaping in horrendous sounds that shook the entire world of Parallel -- a lonely, forlorn and grieving girl stuck in a hellish world she didn't even ask for.

Finally, I silenced. I grew numb, and my voice had left me. My face was wet and stained with tears, my hair a wind mess around my face and shoulders. My body throbbed with pain but I didn't care anymore. Pain was almost welcomed at this point.

"Emmy." Damian's voice was heavy. I didn't say anything. He walked over to me, but stood behind me. Of course, he can't talk to my face.

"I know, I know. 'Buck up, champ; get over it, chick, you'll be fine'," I mocked. I spat into the soil in disgust. "You haven't ever helped me, you won't, so why am I even breaking down in front of you. You're incapable of feeling that kind of emotion. Your mirror in the human world was practically a saint. You're nothing short of a demon, just as you've told me, if I've learned anything.." The hissing words leaving my lips tasted like venom -- they probably stung.

At his silence, I hung my head in defeat and shame. I was through. I hit the final low -- my sweetness, my kindness, my patience and laid-back persona were shattered. No more doe eyed, smiling and friendly bookworm -- no. This was who I truly was: vindictive, cruel, cold. Poison to those around me, those who knew me. They did say the point of this world was to strip you of your preconceived notions; well, I sure had a ton of new notions about myself now.

However, instead of him walking away, he stayed. He just stood for a while in silence, but then crouched down behind me. I felt his cold hands press into the tops of my shoulders.

Before I could think more, or feel the guilt crawl into every vein, my body was forced backwards, into his arms, my back pressed into his torso, his arms encircling my shoulders and his chin resting on the top of my head. He held me there like that, still and silent. "Damian, what are you--?!"

"You're a wonderful... wonderful.. human. You're radiant, warm, caring. Don't let this world poison you. Don't let anything poison you, Emmy." He craned his neck to where his lips were pressed into my ear. His whole body was shaking; what was going on with him? Where did this sudden burst of compassion, intimacy and closeness come from? I felt my heart racing -- now, where did THAT come from?! I don't ... I don't .. do I?

As quickly as it happened it had ended. Damian released his embrace, his body was no longer shaking. However, when he stood up he instantly sunk back into the ground, his eyes completely whited out and his body still. I fumbled up to be next to his side, shaking him. "D-Damian?! Come on, wake up!" I cried out. Please, you can't leave me either.. you can't... you --

Tears stung my eyes. "Damian, come on!" I snarled.

His eyes regained their color -- glowing red, piercing, shaded. Damian acted as if he had just been reawaken into life. His chest propelled forward with a gasping breath and he stumbled to sit upright. He held his head and stared around in panic, as if confused to where he was. I remained kneeling next to him, but I reached up to grab his face with my face, forcing him to stare at me. "Damian, you're alright -- I'm here, but what happened--?"

"Let go!" he scoffed, grabbing my wrists and shoving them down. He stood up irritably, brushing off his pants. "What are you doing, we have places we need to be." He forced himself pst me. I remained there, stunned. Annoyed, I shot up and whipped around, chasing him down and yanking his arm, stopping him.

"Excuse me! You comfort me and then almost just die randomly and think waking up and acting like your normal butt-head self is going to make it all okay?!"

He seemed disgusted, glaring down at my hand. Then, he looked up at me, annoyed but confused. "What? Comfort you? What's wrong?" I withdrew my hand; he was genuinely confused, as if nothing had ever happened. In the world of the Parallel it would make sense -- but for a moment, when he had been holding me, when I had been shaking his body back to life, I had phased my heart and mind into the human world. Attached, intimate emotion developed -- connections beyond just a companionship attaching me to Damian. When he held me... he felt warm. Human. Vulnerable, passionate, fragile, protective...

Where did that go so suddenly?

"What?" He sighed irritably. I shook my head, rattling my thoughts away.

"N-Nothing. You're right... we need to leave." He stormed ahead, abrasively stomping and gabbing on as always -- however, watching him, I felt something different. New, complicated, panicking, growing inside me like a virus, spreading like wildfire. What was this?

Curse the human heart -- always full of secrets.

Friday, April 5, 2013

Need opinions.

I would post this on Facebook, buuuuut it seems more personal to us girls. :)

I'm thinking of getting some body slimming wear... Like, shapers for torso/abdomen and hips, but they're a little bit more hardcore in the sense of they help assist weight loss. The ones I'm looking into are nude latex/spandex, but thicker, so almost like a thicker, second skin that holds everything in place and smooths, while cinching in your waist and slimming your tummy. It's not like corseting at all, nothing THAT extreme, but over the course of time there's long-term slimming. Losing about 1-4 inches in 30 days. Something about activating heat within those areas and "locking" everything to keep it engaged and always burning/tensing/working out. Like when you stand up straight and engage your abs when you walk, if you did that everyday all day you'd over time slim more and more. But it's really hard to constantly think to do that throughout a day. These just make that process faster and keep you engaged all day cause it's what you wear without having to really think about it.

This will also help with my back. I've had horrible back/neck problems because of sitting at a computer all day. This helps keep my posture really tightened and accurate so my back problems won't be as bad. And so I won't have such horrible neck pain that almost immobilizes me.

On top of that, I think it will help motivate me into losing the drastic amount of weight I want to... Like, I want to lose 50-60 pounds. I'm the biggest I've ever been, gaining drastic weight since college, even since like summer 2011... I've had no confidence in myself lately, guys. I know what you'll all say, "You're wonderful! Stop doubting! Great as you are! God's creation!" but I don't really hear it anymore. I don't believe it anymore. I just hear the negative voices my own mind is creating. I hear the stress and frustration telling me to eat my feelings away. I see all these pretty, petite thin girls and want to give up. I don't know. I hate to sound pathetic, but, I'm just being honest.

I want to do something for myself to feel more confident... I KNOW my confidence and self-esteem should be rooted in God. Trust me. That's another thing I fight all the time, this negativity and stress of this earthly battle, but then also the positivity and light that God doesn't see me for what I look like but instead for my soul, spirit and heart. I'm a phenomenal creation by Him. I understand that, but sometimes it gets hazy.

I'd like to do this for myself though. Get a little bit of that confidence back, that will then motivate me. But as stated before, my confidence and self-assurance should be in God. So, I'm gonna' start by praying about it first and then we'll see from there...

Obviously this will be included with diet and exercise >.< There's NO way to effectively lose weight otherwise than just freaking hard work. :) But that's okay because it's super rewarding. I just gotta' get something to get me started you know?

I do want your opinions though!

That was what I was thinking of getting to start. :) Yeah they are expensive, but, they're great quality with great reviews, plus, I've always wanted one as nice as this. They'd do the job! So I believe it will be worth it. :)

Spring cleaning.

Oh, there's so much I want to do now that spring is here!

I want to organize and clean out my room... get ready to move out to my parent's house. I want to work on cosplay, shop for some cute spring/summer clothes, clear out my closet and knick-knacks, sell/donate some stuff to get some money.. Spring cleaning everywhere. :3

School has been ugh so stressful. What else is new? I feel like this semester has been the worst, but, every semester feels like that. There are just times I feel so defeated. But then other times, so successful and accomplished. Like Wednesday and Thursday were awesome. Wednesday I turned in a project and got a lot of other stuff done. I studied with Sable really hard, and our test on Thursday, we both DOMINATED it. It was so easy, I retained so much info D: 

I was so happy and relieved. We rewarded ourselves with killing time at the mall and eating some yummy Chinese food. Then I found out my poster I designed was chosen for the production out of three options. I was so excited! And felt so proud. Tons of work was worth it. It pays off to work hard.

But now I'm back to "eh, down and defeated" mode.. there's this project due on Monday, animating two 30 second videos in After Effects. Thing is, the freaking teacher doesn't teach us anything. So not only are we responsible for doing the project, we're responsible for teaching ourselves the material. Plus the turn around on this was insanely short. We got it the class before Spring Break. Yeah. Dumb. There's no way we want to work on stuff over Spring break, and even if we did, we couldn't get far cause we'd have to check in with her first. So then we still only had about two week turn around time, which isn't enough honestly. For classes and the homework they assign and check-ins they require... ugh. Everyone is extremely stressed about it. Not just me. D: It's an elective class... so I just hope that if I totally bomb it, it won't blow up in my face and mess up everything... Uggggggh, please just let me get a C. I'd be totally happy and content with a C. Is that sad? lol


I'll be taking summer classes but they shouldn't be as bad as these. I hope. LOL.

If anything, I'll have a break after this semester for about a month and then before next semester for about a month. Which is better than nothin'!

I'm so excited for so many things! Warmth, summer, swimming, hanging out with friends, bonfires, cosplay work, Tokyo in Tulsa, sleeeeeeeping in <3 and="" back="" cleaning="" div="" dresses="" life="" losing="" making="" memories="" moving="" my="" nbsp="" nights="" organizing="" parents="" shorts="" summer="" together="" weight="" with="">

So many things guys! We're almost there! We can all hang out together again soon! <3 div="">

"When can I see you again?" :)

OMG, I'm watching Adventure Time. Why did I never watch it before? It's so funny and ridiculous, hahahaha. Some parts are like, "eh, okay weird xP" but overall it's really funny haha.