Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Next to me.

Today's been weird.

I gave myself the day off up until 3 PM, from then 'til now I've been doing homework/projects... which is fine I guess, I'm used to it. I'm just ready for a full day's break, where I'm not thinking about homework all the time you know?

I'm finally caught up on sleep too which is nice. I feel so sluggish though from poor diet. I get paid tomorrow so I can finally get groceries! Instead of eating crappy, cheap junk food and cold leftover pizz. Ugh.

It's sleeting right now?! Really. I remember walking to the design building when it was muggy/humid/warm, that was around 3:30 PM -- and when I left around 10:30 it was FREEZING! Guh, Oklahoma. Make up your mind. Yep, 80% chance of freezing rain tonight and 60% chance tomorrow.. I wonder if that means school would be cancelled? That may just be the break I need. Let's hope so! (though it would suck, since I worked so long today to get my project done that's due tomorrow... whatever :P)

Other than that...

Well, me and Ethan have been weird lately. Idk. I just feel like I haven't been praying about the relationship. I've gotten lazy about it, worldly. I need to look into it spiritually, objectively. Is this what I really want, what's good for me right now, etc. I honestly don't know. I don't feel significantly lead to stay in the relationship but I don't feel significantly lead to leave it either. I just feel kinda' neutral about it right now.

He just shared something on FB today that really bothered me. It was an image that talked about if you believe in what Obama does, you're a traitor, and if you voted for him for reason 1, 2, 3, and so on you're an idiot, moron, racist, etc... it was really offensive and insulting. Not to me personally, but I'm sure to tons of liberals/Obama supporters. Like seriously, it was hateful. I got really upset about it and tried to talk to him and say it wasn't showing love, but he just kept saying how "Americans should know this truth" and didn't see what I was saying. He even brought up how this stuff is "more important than cartoons and video games" which REALLY hurt because since he randomly brought that up, it sounded like he was saying that's all I believed in.

I almost cried, I was so upset. I didn't talk to him the rest of the day.

Idk. During that whole argument/conversation, I made a Christian playlist on Spotify and just bathed in God's worship. I need to be listening to this kind of music more often -- it really refocuses my mind and grounds me. Popular and secular stuff is usually nothing but empty songs singing about shallow things...


I just feel like if God came to me tonight and said, "Meghan, give up your relationship for Me right now," I'd not hesitate. I just feel so unattached to it right now, I feel unattached to Ethan right now. I guess it's a combination of just always being so far from him, as well as his physical and emotional distance from me. I don't feel anything from him anymore, so how can I possibly give to the relationship all the time? He'd rather share and post negative crap like that than talk about positive things, or share sweet things with me, or funny things with others. Like really?

I guess that's a good thing though, I should never change that mindset, honestly. NOTHING should come before Christ, not even a relationship or being in love. Maybe I'd been too idolizing of it and wrapped up in it, and God is using this as a wake-up call/red flag to get my attention.

My mood right now is just that God is the only one I can really lean on anymore. Not saying I can't lean on y'all, but, for true joy, I need to rely on Christ. I find myself getting so lonely often cause I can't see you guys or hang out with people or do things. I find myself getting bitter about things easily. I need to give that all up to God. God's right next to me, all the time.

Which reminds me. MY NEW favorite song, Next to Me by Emelie Sande. Ugh, hits home. It's so good. It plays on secular stations, but I'm pretty sure it's singing about Christ/God. If not, well, I interpret it that way.

It's 2:30, I'm tired and emotional and listening to Bring Him Home from Les Miserables. Lol why am I doing this to myself! :'P

I hope everyone else is having a great week so far. It's halfway through tomorrow!

1 comment:

Mattie Elizabeth said...

Hiya, I hope things are better.

Sometimes I just need to turn off the secular crap as well XP

But I agree, even though Obama isn't our ideal president, he's in office and we can't change that. He only has three more years in office and then he can't be president anymore. I personally don't agree with the things he's doing or believes in, but he is the leader of our nation and all we can do is pray for him and the other leaders of the nation.

Complaining and posting hateful things won't change things. It's passive aggressive.

Anyway girl, I love you! And I miss you! ;)))