Monday, March 21, 2011

You're amazin', just the way you are.

So, the past couple of days have been really great, I'd say. :)

Spring Break is over, but, it was really fun! I got to sleep a lot (which is always appreciated), do some watercolor painting, read, draw, worked on cosplay stuff, sewed a skirt, worked out a lot, started attempting/learning handstands, and saw lots of awesome friends <3 OH, and got to wear SHORTS and cool clothes! I'm so excited for warmer weather, it's not even funny. I used to love cooler/cold weather, but something switched in me, and now I loooove the warmth, and feeling the sun on my skin, running around barefoot.. It's so nice!

But, back to school today. I guess all good things must come to an end. However! It wasn't totally awful. We got back three project grades, and I got A's on all of them, plus two of them were kept to show at the accreditation program the design department is going through right now. Basically if they want to keep your work, that means they really thought it was well designed conceptually and the craft was really good too. All around, it's an honor to have your worked kept, so that was verrrry exciting to hear! I didn't know how I was doing the entire semester in that class, but, now I'm feeling pretty confident.

Today was technically an easy day though, just one class, and I got to hang with Cheryl all day. However, tomorrow will be my official first long day after break, 11 to 6. Buh! Oh well. That only happens twice a week, and the last class is Cartooning so that's never too bad. Our teacher is out for surgery/recovery, but we have an alumni freelance illustrator coming in to teach us through the next project that is due. We're working on fantasy illustrations, and I drew out of the hat to draw an evil fairy/pixie/elf as well as we have to draw a beast/animal of some sort to compliment the character. It's a pretty fun project, but the class isn't a throwaway class by farrr -- he asks a lot of us, lots of drawing, lots of practice, lots of detail. It's good though, it helps me get further in drawing and get better.

I've also been having a lot of fun with photography lately! I've got some photoshoots with people booked, portraits and what not, and I'm really excited to experiment more and take more pictures. Photography is truly a passion of mine that's completely run wild since I've gotten this new camera -- I'm very glad and grateful to be able to expand on it. I'd love to get all sorts of cameras though -- vintage ones with unique features like actual film, or cool light leaks; underwater cameras; telescopic cameras; polaroid cameras, etc... It'd be hard to find the more older/vintage ones, but, they always create the COOLEST photos. I'll post some pictures up here at the end of one of my favorite photographers I found on deviantART who really inspires me with my photography. Her style and photographic point of view is truly what I'd love to get to one day. :)

Earlier today I was watching MTV's True Life, and the episode was about being deaf. One of the guys on there was sooooo cute, he was a high school student who'd been deaf all his life, but got a cochlear implant so he could finally hear. He was walking around drumming on things and rustling the leaves, and just listening to things, really taking it all in. He seemed so wide-eyed and like a baby hearing all these noises for the first time. He could finally listen to music and hear people's voices, though he didn't really understand speech necessarily and still had to work on talking. He'd speak in sign language saying how he feels like a whole new person though, and how happy he was.

The BEST part though was when he saw his girlfriend for the first time after his surgery -- she opened the door and said hi, and they hugged, and he asked her in sign language to say his name. "Christopher," she said, and he just BEAMED, and then hugged her really tightly. She was crying, saying "You can hear me, you can hear me..." He said later on how when he heard her say his name, his heart was pounding really hard, and how much he loved and adored the sound of her voice... and then when they left each other, they held the "I love you" sign language symbol up to one another.


It really made me tear up, as well as think about how much we take for granted. See him drumming on things and just taking in the simplest of noises, or looking around when he heard a door close trying to figure out what it was, was so fascinating. Can you imagine going without hearing, or sight, but then regaining it? Wouldn't you just want to take in everything and just soak it up? You would feel like a new person. It's like closing your eyes or shutting off your ears for a really really long time; but opening them to see a beautiful sunrise, or a loved one's face. Or opening your ears to beautiful music, or the sound of rain, or laughter. It'd be such a beautiful way of thinking and life if we could all just take in daily life with that sort of simple appreciation and gratefulness. I just felt so inspired!

I've just been feeling really blessed by God lately, with a peace in my heart and mind. Even though some things in life have been rough or hard lately, I always know He has my best interest in mind. No matter how much temptation tries to knock me down, I step off of it and become stronger through God. Sometimes I get anxiety about the future, what will or won't happen, but, I really need to give that up to God instead. He's done so much for me, and given me so much, how could I ask for more? I hope everyone else takes time to stop and realize just even that; God will always have what's best in store for you. <3

Here are some images from that photographer I mentioned earlier. :) She's shot such stunning work!

Sunday, March 13, 2011

The Battle.

I hate when I think I'm feeling really happy and lovin' things, when it all comes to a crashing halt and I get really upset, or really depressed, or really bitter. I realize that if I don't invest my joy and time into the right things (like, uh, Jesus, and my FAITH for example...) I'm only deceiving myself for the meantime. Yeah, things of this world are great and lovely and beautiful -- but, what am I TRULY investing myself into?

I've just been focused on cosplay and losing weight, school, drawing, reading, wanting to do this and that and go here and there, and hang out and plan things and yadda yadda yadda... but, I get caught up in the muss of life that I don't even realize true joy and treasure lies in Christ, and God's love... why can't I get that wrapped around my mind?


It's so hard. I've been feeling a lot of anxiety lately about my faith. Things just haven't been going well, and I'm finding that I'm very disappointed and ashamed of myself. Things with my boyfriend aren't going well, we're struggling with temptation, and it seems to be a barrier we're just not breaking through yet.. We're both on totally different plans of understanding/experience with relationships, so it's hard to overcome these sort of obstacles. Sometimes I just feel like screaming and letting go of it all, of any relationship or thought of dating ever, ever again... but, I know I can't do that. It's not the right thing. It came to a point in the relationship where it almost reached that, but my heart and soul felt heavy and were hurting; it would've accomplished nothing, it would've been giving up and falling into impatience and selfishness just because I couldn't fight through the obstacle. The last thing I want to do is give up on a relationship just because of things that we can have healed by God, and grow stronger through.

It's all just really difficult sometimes... I'd been single for a while, so now trying to change my mindset to focusing on God in a relationship as well is a whole new ball game. I'm still learning things. My past relationships never had so many obstacles, or painful/tense conversations, or breaking down and crying to one another -- however, none of my other relationships never had praying together, or attending church together, spiritual discussions or trust and loyalty. With a strong committed relationship, there comes maturity and truly understanding the person, not just having butterflies in your stomach, or some warm and fun crush that fades with time. It's really really hard, but, at the same time, extremely rewarding. It's a roller-coaster of emotions and growth, but, we're slowly trucking through.

I think progress is being made, it's just hard right now... Purity and strength in Christ is so hard to maintain in a relationship, when the world is screaming at you to do otherwise.

I fell on my knees tonight in the quiet of my room, and just cried and prayed to God about it all. It was one of those prayers where I didn't really remember what I said, or if I even understood what I said, or if I even said anything, but just felt my heart overwhelm my body to the point where it brought me down on my knees-- so I hope God understood and heard me through the silence...

This poem is for all Christians or non-Christians alike, struggling with sin. Christians, we know of sin, and what Jesus did for us. Non-Christians may not, but they always are deceiving themselves.

We all fight the same battle -- but some of us have the souls and strength to fight against it.

Are we fighting?

The Battle

Like a banshee, the world screams;
or like a thief holding out treasure that gleams;
enticing, promising, luring us in,
killing us slowly from the inside with sin.
Crying and gasping, reaching for air,
we yearn for a deceiving joy that's not there.
False hope and false gods clutch and keep our heart,
strong souls waver, weak ones never to start.
With glazed eyes and weak minds, we slowly tread;
lifeless, listless, lethargic, we're nearly dead.
Deceived, in denial, living only on whims,
the more this continues, the more the Truth dims.
Fading from sight, slowly it flickers away,
like the cold night's darkness stealing the day.
Depleted and depraved, your smiles aren't real;
you feel convinced, but this isn't true Joy that you feel.
True Joy is the grace and peace only God gives;
for in you He longs to reside; or in you, He already lives.
Have you pushed Him aside? Do you leave Him rejected?
Filling yourself with other gods, but Him you've neglected.
We all fall short of the glory of God's love,
but instead of staring into the world, let us look above.
Set our eyes on His glory, grace, love and light,
and against the world He will help us fight.
Light breaks through the clouds; our strength returning,
light feels our eyes, but we're still desperate and yearning.
Confusion, curiosity and impatience settle in,
but alas, there comes an Answer as quiet as the whispering wind.
"Welcome back, My child, how I've missed you so;
take My hand, give Me your heart, and from there you'll know.
Child, don the armor of God -- wield My Shield and Sword.
stand firmly against sin, and fight for the grace and love of the Lord.