I hate when I think I'm feeling really happy and lovin' things, when it all comes to a crashing halt and I get really upset, or really depressed, or really bitter. I realize that if I don't invest my joy and time into the right things (like, uh, Jesus, and my FAITH for example...) I'm only deceiving myself for the meantime. Yeah, things of this world are great and lovely and beautiful -- but, what am I TRULY investing myself into?
I've just been focused on cosplay and losing weight, school, drawing, reading, wanting to do this and that and go here and there, and hang out and plan things and yadda yadda yadda... but, I get caught up in the muss of life that I don't even realize true joy and treasure lies in Christ, and God's love... why can't I get that wrapped around my mind?
It's so hard. I've been feeling a lot of anxiety lately about my faith. Things just haven't been going well, and I'm finding that I'm very disappointed and ashamed of myself. Things with my boyfriend aren't going well, we're struggling with temptation, and it seems to be a barrier we're just not breaking through yet.. We're both on totally different plans of understanding/experience with relationships, so it's hard to overcome these sort of obstacles. Sometimes I just feel like screaming and letting go of it all, of any relationship or thought of dating ever, ever again... but, I know I can't do that. It's not the right thing. It came to a point in the relationship where it almost reached that, but my heart and soul felt heavy and were hurting; it would've accomplished nothing, it would've been giving up and falling into impatience and selfishness just because I couldn't fight through the obstacle. The last thing I want to do is give up on a relationship just because of things that we can have healed by God, and grow stronger through.
It's all just really difficult sometimes... I'd been single for a while, so now trying to change my mindset to focusing on God in a relationship as well is a whole new ball game. I'm still learning things. My past relationships never had so many obstacles, or painful/tense conversations, or breaking down and crying to one another -- however, none of my other relationships never had praying together, or attending church together, spiritual discussions or trust and loyalty. With a strong committed relationship, there comes maturity and truly understanding the person, not just having butterflies in your stomach, or some warm and fun crush that fades with time. It's really really hard, but, at the same time, extremely rewarding. It's a roller-coaster of emotions and growth, but, we're slowly trucking through.
I think progress is being made, it's just hard right now... Purity and strength in Christ is so hard to maintain in a relationship, when the world is screaming at you to do otherwise.
I fell on my knees tonight in the quiet of my room, and just cried and prayed to God about it all. It was one of those prayers where I didn't really remember what I said, or if I even understood what I said, or if I even said anything, but just felt my heart overwhelm my body to the point where it brought me down on my knees-- so I hope God understood and heard me through the silence...
This poem is for all Christians or non-Christians alike, struggling with sin. Christians, we know of sin, and what Jesus did for us. Non-Christians may not, but they always are deceiving themselves.
We all fight the same battle -- but some of us have the souls and strength to fight against it.
Are we fighting?
Like a banshee, the world screams;
or like a thief holding out treasure that gleams;
enticing, promising, luring us in,
killing us slowly from the inside with sin.
Crying and gasping, reaching for air,
we yearn for a deceiving joy that's not there.
False hope and false gods clutch and keep our heart,
strong souls waver, weak ones never to start.
With glazed eyes and weak minds, we slowly tread;
lifeless, listless, lethargic, we're nearly dead.
Deceived, in denial, living only on whims,
the more this continues, the more the Truth dims.
Fading from sight, slowly it flickers away,
like the cold night's darkness stealing the day.
Depleted and depraved, your smiles aren't real;
you feel convinced, but this isn't true Joy that you feel.
True Joy is the grace and peace only God gives;
for in you He longs to reside; or in you, He already lives.
Have you pushed Him aside? Do you leave Him rejected?
Filling yourself with other gods, but Him you've neglected.
We all fall short of the glory of God's love,
but instead of staring into the world, let us look above.
Set our eyes on His glory, grace, love and light,
and against the world He will help us fight.
Light breaks through the clouds; our strength returning,
light feels our eyes, but we're still desperate and yearning.
Confusion, curiosity and impatience settle in,
but alas, there comes an Answer as quiet as the whispering wind.
"Welcome back, My child, how I've missed you so;
take My hand, give Me your heart, and from there you'll know.
Child, don the armor of God -- wield My Shield and Sword.
stand firmly against sin, and fight for the grace and love of the Lord.