Saturday, January 30, 2010

The day it becomes a pumpkin.

((I didn't come up with this concept by myself; this poem was inspired from Ouran High School Host Club, actually, haha.

Everyone has a magical carriage we've cast a spell upon, that we don't want to turn into a pumpkin. That could be as simple as a little girl not wanting her tea party or daydreams with her stuffed animals to end because of bath time; or, as deep as contentment where we are in life now, not wanting anything to change, though we know it someday will. The concept really hit me recently, so, here's a poem about it.

I guess you can assume my carriage would be liking how life is now, yet feeling the constant tug of anxiety or stress or change happening, and how I don't want any of that to happen. I'm always in fear of extreme change, no matter what it is, because you never know where it will lead you.))

The day it becomes a pumpkin,
would be a somber day indeed.
A beautiful carriage, glossy and gleaming,
is more wistful and desired
than a plump, rotting vegetable
with too many a seed.

I cast a spell on that carriage,
it carried me smoothly as I sat cozily inside.
Along the way, though, the wheels hit rocks,
and as I got tossed and turned,
my fear of the little spell fading
was too hard for me to hide.

The door gave in, the carriage threw me out
and I was sent sliding across the ground
I watched the carriage, wildly out of control,
shrinking, distorting, morphing,
the wheels extending into vines.
Abrupt, it all vanished with out a sound.

Dark, haunting forest towered over me
the wane moon spilling it's light.
I wandered around, aghast, alone
my foot ramming into an obtrusion
spilling me over into the cold ground,
but as I lifted, turned, the pumpkin filled my sight.

I hung my head,
my fingers curling into the soil
An extravagant carriage is ideal,
but even spells have their due.
Once cruel change snags and steals you,
it may turn anyone's fairy tale into toil.

Friday, January 29, 2010

Dear God, on boys.

Dear God,

I know that you created the male gender as you did the female gender.
They're all beautiful creations of yours, as we all are.
Boys have faults, just as much as girls do, and You know that I totally understand and believe this...

However, I really just want to use this space (and some prayer time later on tonight...) to just VENT to You about how I feel about those boys at this moment. Because someone a long time ago told me to just let it out to You, whether we're angry or sad or happy, no matter what it is, just let You know.

Boys just ... FRUSTRATE ME, GOD.
They seem to do nothing but turn situations back on themselves, as the pity party.
They can't seem to fathom that they're acting entirely too jealous in a situation, instead of considerate or compassionate.
They hate that we girls talk about girly stuff, and they'll just randomly decide to leave if that's the case, however, they can all get away talking about cars and what not the entire night and us GIRLS never seem to leave.
God, why is it so that guys don't understand that they're dense, and that when they're "trying not to cause offense" they really are?!
Also, why do they feel the need to be all mysterious and never open up to us, yet, they ALWAYS want to know what's going on in our lives?! What if we don't want to tell them, God, what if we just want to talk to our girl friends about it? Why can't they see it doesn't affect them at all either way!
Oh, and God, why can't they understand that dating and relationships aren't all that matter? Sure, dating and having someone special is everyone's dream -- marriage is an ultimate goal. Who doesn't love romance and goo-goo-gushy stuff? I mean, come on, if You know me any better You created me with a heart totally weak for romance and chick flicks and anything of that sort.
That doesn't mean my views of dating and relationships are so skewed like guys can sometimes portray... How they think dating will solve all their problems, how they try to play matchmaker, how they can't just understand "friendship right now" and how they can't seem to understand "spiritual growth right now". And then some guys, upon retaining that relationship, don't even CARE about it, and it's dumped 3 days later! I literally talked to one of my guy friends this happened to and he just shrugged and said "Doesn't matter to me, it wasn't going to last anyway"

OHHH, I'm sure that's not all my thoughts on guys, really, it probably isn't.
You know my Heart God, and forgive me for all these feelings of disgust and anguish towards guys at the moment... but all I see around me, because of them, is drama, heartbreak and anonymity.
Why can't they just be good, godly men that respect us girls?
Why can't they just wait and see where You take them instead of trying to push relationships on us?
Why can't they listen and understand sometimes?

I don't really know. This blog is pouring nonsense probably, but I just need to get it all out.
*sigh* Thank you, God for being so forgiving. Cause in times like this, I really need it..


Goals + Resolutions updated

Gonna' update this as I go along. Eventually, at 6 months I hope to make a blog to talk about my progress. :)

1) Make someone smile everyday.
2) Grow closer to God and way stronger in my spirituality.
3) Witness, witness, witness...
4) Drink more water and tea.
5) Learn how to play the piano or guitar.
6) Read 25+ books.
7) Draw and write more.
8) Drink less soda.
9) Fill up my journal with poetry.
10) Stay fit.
11) Always maintain a dance class of some sort.
12) Get a job.
13) Tease and discourage less; encourage, compliment and lift up more.
14) New cosplay: Kairi from Kingdom Hearts II.
15) Learn how to sew.
16) Experiment with a new medium of art (watercolor or oil paints).
17) Maintain A's and B's through college; STRIVE for all A's.
18) Challenge myself with new ideas, and creative exercises.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

I've been thinking about you.

I've been thinking about you.

The sun hit the dusty dashboard and warmed my face as I turned into the college parking lot. Worship music filled the car, and I was singing without a care in the world. Another day at the school, another day where my mind was preoccupied with anything and everything. However, almost instantly, your face and your laugh and your smile snapped into my mind and I felt my stomach knot. Where were you? How were you doing? How come I hadn't thought of you again before now?

I parked the car, un-clicked my seatbelt, went through all the motions of getting my things together, however, my mindset of carefree was slightly blotted with the idea of you. I still went throughout my day as always, but you were in the back of my mind the entire time. And the only "you" that I kept thinking of, was the you I had last seen; the one with the crisp white shirt and shaggy blonde hair, and brilliant smile and attitude. The one talking about his faith and his trials and his struggles, but overcoming them through Christ. The one I opened up to about everything one night, the one that gave me such wisdom and advice. The one that asked for prayer requests, the one that trusted me with his own.

Why do you keep disappearing from my life?

Your enigmatic personality and charming disposition always attracted me, before I even knew you. But finally being able to have you in my life, at first as my boyfriend, then just a good friend, then a brother in a Christ, made me realized I had more reason to be blessed. I had felt almost complete that you had reentered my life after being gone; I felt like I had the chance to build up a friendship that could be potentially amazing and strong.

Now sitting here, I feel incomplete again. You have disappeared again, even though I know what happened to you this time; you spiraled down, you're living with bad influences, and who knows where your walk with Christ has gone in the past few months. Why, even though I try to communicate, I get no communication from you? It's almost like I'm stuck on the other side of a clear wall, and you're slowly walking away, and even though I beat and bang and holler and yell your name, you never seem to listen or turn around. Have you disappeared from my life, or am I being pushed out of yours?

I'm not giving up though. If there's anything you knew about me, it's that I"m stubborn. I'm hard-headed when it comes to relationships and friendships. I'm NOT going to give in so easily.

Obviously you keep coming back and forth into my mind for a reason; I believe God wants me to try to reach you, try to be the good influence still left in your life. Now, if only YOU'LL let me not disappear from your life. If you'll not push me away, but instead turn your head slightly, listen closely and see me calling out for you. See the smudges and distressed cracks on that clear wall between us and realize, I have in fact, been trying.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

The simple cure.

This picture perfectly portrays how I looked this morning while nibbling on the cookies my mom made. I felt like I had to be secretive when it was obvious I was taking more and more off the tray. Oh well!

Anyway, I've been working some more on my writing/poetry, and that means structured poetry as well.
Haikus are always a good, quick way to sharpen structural poetry skills, in my opinion. They're still a little freer, but also fun to figure out, while making them make sense.

This haiku was inspired from my own problem I'm working on. I find myself complaining a lot. And it wasn't really brought evident to me until in Sunday school today, when my Sunday school teacher asked "How was school going?" I answered saying I was stressed with design, but another friend said "YEAH, Facebook tells us all of that -- I log on and I always see 'agggghhhhhhh'." I felt slightly embarrassed and awkward, but, it brought to my attention I DO complain about school so much, and broadcast it out loud or on Facebook or something.

Negativity leaving your lips actually causes negativity in your life. I'm trying harder everyday now to be more optimistic and cheerful, rather than negative and stressed. It'll not only help me deal with stress, but it won't put that stress on other people. To go along with this goal of mine, I'm going to try to tease people less, and just talk to them and encourage them more. Even though my teasing means I'm close to them and am comfortable, sometimes when I'm teased, I don't like it -- sometimes it's too much. So, I'm going to keep that in mind also.

It's written objectively, so anyone can read it and take it as wisdom instead of my own personal story. :)

The simple cure.
Poison leave your lips,
But cleanse with Truth, and beauty
For the simple cure.

Cleansing with Truth is engaging in God's everlasting Word.
Cleansing with beauty is replacing negative, bitter comments with beautiful and encouraging ones.
The cure is simple, but we make it harder than it actually is.

Friday, January 22, 2010

To those so helplessly in "love"

For some reason, people who throw the word "love" around so easily really peeves me.

I can't go on Myspace or Facebook a DAY without hearing someone send out a declaration of "LOVE!!! LOVE LOVE" and "gushy gushy romance I LOVE YOU!" out like it's just a piece of cake. And then a week or so later, they are so crushed when things aren't "working out" and believe their lives are over because of it, and of course, they advertise that aspect of their lives all over Facebook as well.

Not only is it annoying to see any sort of over exaggerated anything, really, on Facebook, it's agitating to see people throw the word "love" around like it's so easy to retrieve back and use again without losing meaning.

The word LOVE is so, so strong, intentionally, but has totally lost meaning over time. People say it to their significant others like it's nothing. It's also culture's influence on our sponge like minds, how they portray love like it is extremely important to fall into so quickly, and any sort of relationship with someone you're attracted to is "love". Songs always sing about love like it's so easily lost yet so easily gained. How "a simple crush" could "be more" or "could be love". How it's not love until you've slept with the person, or how you can only express love through such strong physical measures. And lastly, how the phrases "falling in love" or "crazy in love" almost makes it seem acceptable to just be "in love" all the time. How falling in love is almost something uncontrollable by us because we're falling and falling and we can't really stop. Or now being crazy in love just means we're not mentally stable to understand what's going on, so it MUST be love. No. That's not it.

It's messing with the true meaning of love, and it even reflects in the accelerating amount of random marriages and divorces these days. All because throwing out the "L" word just "changes" things so much in a relationship. It makes it so "alive" and "sensational and true". We're trying to believe it's something so magical, when really, it's not anymore; we're painting love with what we daydream it to be, when in reality, after so much abuse and misuse, it's distorted to be something completely else.

Don't you think hitting a nail too hard with the same hammer will just drive the nail further into the wall, eventually not even retrievable?
Isn't that how the word love is?
It loses meaning.
It loses clarity.
It loses purpose.
It's meaning and existence is just as important as "envelope" or "carpet".

This rant also falls into line with these on and off again couples. I can't stand seeing this; seeing my friends get hurt by it, and seeing them be clueless and COMPLETELY insensible about it. They brush it off like it was nothing. I literally had a good friend of mine mention his 3-day relationship ending suddenly "not being that bad". His values of dating compared to mine are so warped, I don't even think I could talk on the subject with him, because I would sound so prude and alien. I just let the subject fall to the ground, and it fell so hard, I practically heard it shatter.

Love to me is truly getting past all that instant attraction. It's the utter comfort with them, it's being best friends, but never losing the chemistry. It's about wanting THEM to be nothing but happy; it's about putting them above yourselves. Like Jesus died for us, true love is practically a sacrifice: sacrificing your happiness for once, for the benefit of whom you love.

Is that so old school to think like that? Well, I don't think so, I appreciate and totally stand firm on my views of love and relationships right now.

My next relationship, I want it to be meaningful. If it doesn't last to be the man I marry, I sure as heck want it to be worth something. I want to be able to spend time with the person, anywhere, and feel 110% comfortable. I want to be their best friend first, someone they trust as more than just a potential girlfriend. I want to be able to be with them without having to feel like we have to be all over each other. I want them to understand that even in a relationship, being alone for too long or too often can bring across temptation; I want them to understand I'd feel more comfortable in a group than with just them, that saving time alone is something that should be just as special as the small affection of holding hands. I want them to understand all these little nuances of mine. And I'd do my ALL to give to them what they give to me, to truly cherish them and lift them up.

I may not even be in love in whatever relationship comes along next in the future, but, even then, I want the relationship to mean something. I want to be able to understand I'm not in love so I don't feel the need to just blurt that out or deceive myself into thinking that.

Because I'm sure, with these strong beliefs, I'll KNOW what love is when it hits me.
I want to be in a Christian relationship, not just a Christian in a relationship.

Maybe it's all just heavy duty dreaming, but, if a relationship or chance like that never comes on, maybe it's a sign it's not my calling to be with someone. I just hate how people feel like their only happiness comes from dating and "love", when they've murdered the true term of love anyway. Sure, it's a happiness that's a true blessing, but only when it's treated right, by God's standards -- NOT by our own.

"4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8 Love never ends."

- 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Stay gold.

"Stay gold."

I remember reading that in the quiet of the library, my eyes filling with tears. We'd been close friends for eleven years, and senior year of high school was practically done. My journal was packed with little scribbles from my friends, saying "Have a good summer!" and "Visit us when you're in college!". But the entry that stood out was from the one person I didn't think would write anything seriously sentimental at all. She talked about my strength of character, and how it truly influenced her life. She alluded to the story "The Outsiders", and to the character Ponyboy who was told to "stay gold" because of his strong, genuine and good heart. She told me these same words. I figured she and I would remain close friends. We'd continue to communicate and hang out and talk about anything and everything.

After a warped sense of "fixing" her problems, she fell into serious drug abuse (weed and smoking, and possibly alcohol), and started hanging out with the wrong crowd right at the start of our summer before college. I got her to attend a youth service at our church, and talked with her afterword, and she spilled with tears her feelings about everything going on, and how she felt detached from our friendship with not only each other, but another close friend of ours. I told her I knew of her bad influences, and bad habits, and didn't agree with it at all -- "I just really wanted to do something stupid before college started, but it'll end soon."

It never did.

Today when I was walking out of class, the smell of smoke instantly wafted in front of me, but that was expected on a college campus - smoking was allowed. However, I passed by this friend of mine who'd I'd just been musing on. Her eyes were sunken and baggy, her hair hardly maintained. The only reason she was dressed in black slacks and a white button up shirt was because she had a presentation due that day. Between her index finger and middle finger was a dwindling cigarette, the smoke trailing from her lips. We exchanged casual conversation; I didn't cast a judging gaze or condemning eyes, at least, I hoped. If anything, my persona probably read of disappointment and sadness.

Seeing her gave me a reminder of many things. Reflected in her dead-beat eyes was how I had failed as a friend to her. I wasn't spiritually strong when I was close friends with her; I wasn't headfirst in the Truth. She wasn't someone who was really bringing me down, but she was definitely not encouraging me and bringing me up like my friends now do. It was a dead friendship all throughout, only looking toward the goal of hobbies and interests. But even that was shot dead when her hobbies and interests trailed from safe to dangerous and drug-filled.

Walking past her and further to my car, I looked up to the sky and felt the warm sun and the soft breeze. It was all such a reminder that I need to be a friend to anyone and everyone who may need me. I felt like I failed her by not being the right sort of direct influence on her; however, that doesn't mean I need to disconnect and fail my other friends when they need me. However hard it may be, no matter how different they are, I feel like I'm stronger now to be honest about any problem they're going through, and adhere to God's Truth, not the truth of the world.

For them, I must stay gold.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Love like a battlefield.

For some reason, after listening to "Battlefield" by Jordin Sparks over and over and over, this image of Emmy and Damien came to my mind and further initiated some "Darwin Theory" story action. :D Emmy and Damien have a sort of strained relationship/tragic relationship, if you will at the beginning. "Battlefield" really applies to them in a lot of ways, IMO.

However, on the "Darwin Theory" note, I'm thinking of renaming this story to something like "Sense" or "The Parallel" or something like that. "Sense" is relevent, considering each one of the concrete main characters has a special "Sense" or power that is unique to only them. However, in the Parallel, Senses aren't like what the normal world have - they are extensions of one's self, based by strength of heart and character. There are 7 senses in all in Parallel, so seven concrete characters. All the details continuing with that are fuzzy, however. The "Darwin Theory" aspect hardly even remains anymore - I really branched off with this story and turned it into something entirely different, it seems.

Anywho, to here's a pretty intense scene between Emmy and Damien. Emmy is trying to convince Damien to join her, Dr. Hayes and Braden to help lead the Righteous of Parallel in the war. All of this is still very under-developed. It's very hard coming up with unique, easy to remember names and themes that match with the story style and setting. Due to that, concepts/names, etc may change.

The world of Parallel is very ... interesting.

However, on the snippet, and enjoy!

- - - - - - -

We stood there, motionless. His back was turned to me, and my eyes stared over his shoulder, stunned.

Did I really just see that?

With a twist of his wrist he took his sword out of the lifeless body. He lifted it up above his head, and it glinted in the red sunlight. The wind howled, the bare trees crackled, but silence was heavy between the two of us. "Damien," I breathed.

He was instantly behind me, and I felt a heavy, cold pressure on my collarbone. A muffled cry left my lips, my breath hitched in my throat. I glanced down, and stared right back at my mortified expression reflected in sword's blade. Everything died down, the silence was deafening.

I swallowed, clenched and unclenched my fingers. I had to be strong, I had to be stoic and emotionless. Damien fed on fear. "Why did you do it?" I asked calmly. "He was only an innocent messenger --"

"He was a messenger for the enemy and you know it, Emmy," he snarled in my ear. I resisted the part of me that begged to run away from this place, give up on finding my dad, give up on trying to help lead this war, giving up on everything and returning to my quiet life. Reflected in that blade, however, reminded me of all I didn't want to run back to - safety, comfort, superficiality. If I ran back now, my father would never be saved. I'd never get him back. And the entire planet of Parallel would be in ruin.
"... why are you so protective of such a weak, pathetic being?" he continued, pressing the sharpened steel tighter. It pierced skin, drew blood, and I noticed the red liquid already staining my tunic.

"Y-You must understand that killing anyone is nothing but senseless violence, brought out because of hatred or extreme emotion, Damien ..." I heard him growl angrily, but I continued on, growing more and more confident in my words, "you killed him not even knowing his purpose for being or his intentions. You're doing nothing but being selfish again, when you can hone your skills and Sense to use to help SAVE Parallel, not destroy it! Senseless killing and cruel minds are what the Enemy have, Damien, and the Righteous shouldn't have that at all!" I howled.

He grew silent, and finally, withdrew his sword. I stumbled forward a few paces, getting away from him as quickly as I could and then turned swiftly. He wasn't watching me, he had his gaze lifted to the sky, and something in his expression was somber and saddening. I followed his gaze, and it lead to a break in the black clouds, but only tainted sun spilt through. He grimaced, his eyes darkening, and in an instant, in a blink, he was behind me again, closer this time. "Damien," I started, unfazed, "Just listen to me. We need you ... the entire world of Parallel needs you.. I need you, too." I admitted it. Though I hated his attitude that reeked of arrogance and crudeness, I needed him. His strength, dexterity, and his special ability of fighting and Sense. I turned to face him.

It was quiet again, and I realized, this was the closest Damien and I had ever stood. Hatred and redemption radiated from his crimson eyes. I didn't know what was going on inside his mind, what he was thinking of. I stared at him, defiantly, strongly.

"I'm like those clouds," he whispered, all too quietly. "Dark, blackness, emotionless and hateful. Even when they break apart and allow light and sun in, it's only tainted light; it's only the red sun, not warmth, not health." I felt my heart slam against my chest, and he turned completely away from me. I felt the urge to reach out, for I felt he was about to leave, but I didn't. "Why help a world where it's done nothing but take advantage of my Sense all this time? When it's done nothing but use me, throw me out, expect more each time? No, it's not going to happen. I'm on my own."

I froze when I felt his presence instantly behind me again. His lips were at my ear: "You need to listen to me this time: you need to get away from me. Get far away, before any more damage comes to you. For I will bring it upon you myself, Emmy." And with a gush of wind, he was gone.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Joyfulness vs. joylessness

I can almost visibly see true, spiritual, Christ-like joy in people,
and at the same time, I can almost visibly tell if they're without it.

It's just from studying both sides on the spectrum, and being on both sides of the spectrum: joyful, and joyless. It's not seeing auras or reading minds, it's seeing body language; realizing how people talk, how people act. You can tell Christians with such joy in their hearts just have this glow about them; they smile more, they're genuine, they're true, pure. Even if they're troubled, or sad, there's a light of hope there for them that the lost don't seem to have yet..

Joyless people are just so grim and seem almost hopeless. They have a way of masking bitterness and joylessness, with witty, dirty or sarcastic comments, or a facade that's as thick as mud. They think they have a security in their life, but they truly don't. They seem to shrug off any sort of spiritual or eternal type conversation, or they try to have an answer for everything to seem like they're not concerned, not worried.

Joyful people don't have worry or panic in the same sense that joyless people do.
Joyful people know where their eternity lies.

Just some musings on the idea. I just feel like I can just sense the joylessness in some people; whether they show it, or not.

Friday, January 1, 2010

15 New Year's Resolutions

1) Make someone smile everyday.
2) Grow closer to God and way stronger in my spirituality.
3) Witness at any possible moment.
4) Drink more water and tea.
5) Learn how to play the piano or guitar.
6) Read 25+ books.
7) Draw and write more.
8) Drink less soda.
9) Fill up my journal with poetry.
10) Stay fit.
11) Always maintain a dance class of some sort.
12) Get a job.
13) Tease and discourage less; encourage, compliment and lift up more.
14) New cosplay: Kairi from Kingdom Hearts II.
15) Quiet time or Bible reading of some sort EVERY DAY.