Thursday, October 10, 2013

He was my person.

Their first performance. I started crying watching Finn walk on and sing. It all feels so different watching it now.

I know it's just a television show, but I really connected with this show when I first saw it. Nerds and outcasts feeling like they can belong through a unified passion.

And Finn was the cool kid that broke the barrier between "social classes" in their high school. He accepted and loved them all even though he wasn't "supposed" to. He was the jock, the quarterback, but most of all? He was a charming boy with a steal-your-heart voice, dashing smile and heart of gold.

He was always my favorite character -- there were times I didn't like his character or the choices, but I usually always cheered Finn on. He was the team leader. He was their quarterback, and now he's gone. :'( He was seriously starting to steal my heart all over again and was the only shining light left about the show in recent seasons...

They did a really fantastic job memorializing him this episode though. And did it tastefully. Mainly the original/older cast sang who could be apart of it. They technically had Finn die in the show, which I thought was the only way they could do it -- allow the cast to grieve together, and have closure. Not force them to pretend "Finn" was off somewhere in the world happy and alive as ever when he was truly not. The episode even attempted its quirky sense of humor in small, tactful bits, but there was still enough genuine and raw emotion that it left me crying with an aching heart. What we witnessed was true grief, not just acting.

The hardest part was just how real it all felt. Hold close to those you love. Tell them you love them everyday, be fully with them when you are with them. Regardless... You never know when you'll lose them, or how soon. Even the young can die -- we're not invincible. As Rachel's character choked back sobs, whispering how "he was her person", it made me realize that Rachel's true actor was Lea Michelle, and Lea Michelle's true love wasn't Finn, but Cory Monteith; and Cory was gone. Lea and Cory were meant to be married in a year. Lea's person was gone now.

To me, he was Finn. And he will forever live on as Finn.

This isn't make believe.


So, last night browsing Facebook I came across an interesting article. Some event or speaker is coming up on October the 19th - he wrote a book? - to discuss some "historical discoveries/confessions" he came across to try and prove that Jesus Chris was a fictional character.

My heart sunk when reading this because it hurt so much to see people so radically against Christianity that they'd seek this kind of information out... the man says how he doesn't want to "intentionally hurt Christians in this way, but the world needs to know this truth". Within the article though it actually doesn't mention "confessions" but just "discoveries" and anything nowadays can be forged.

It's just scary that belief and faith can be wavered so easily, and that people are regularly trying to point their canons our way -- he mentions how this could be the "end of Christianity as we know it". He was mentioning how for Christians that want "a sure fire way out", this will give them "closure". He's also targeting "Christians" that use Christ's name for wrong (like Westboro Baptist Church, and others).

He's basically saying how the New Testament was written by a bunch of Romans who wanted to create a story that would help "control" their republic more -- I.E.: talk about this peaceful Messiah who has a "turn-the-cheek" philosophy instead of one that teaches to fight back, etc... that it's "Caesar's Jesus", and they use the Christian philosophy as a tactic for government control.

Regardless of what he's saying, I still believe in Christ, and His sacrifice, and God's plan for us. Who knows what this man has to say at this conference. I honestly don't know if I should even read it or watch it. I may pray about that.

The Old Testament frequently hints to Christ's birth, there have been ancient discoveries made that prove Noah's Ark. The idea of the pure suffering or being sacrificed for the unclean is consistent -- sacrificial lamb, giving up Isaac to God, etc... I myself have had lucid dreams of prophecy within the Bible, within the lines of Revelations and the end of the Earth and being raptured. I've had dreams where Jesus is in my dream, and I'm hugging Him and walking with Him. I felt a true Presence there -- not just some figment. My personal testimonies pale in comparison to what some people have witnessed: like those close to death speaking to someone not visible in the room to other eyes? Reaching out and smiling and talking about going Home peacefully? Who do you think was there? A hallucination?

Why would God not fulfill His promise to His people and give us a path of salvation? How can we answer where we truly came from, where sin came from, why humans are the way we are, without eventually looking toward a Creator? Can we REALLY think that it all came from a spontaneous explosion in the sky? That all the minuscule and atomic details and parallels within life were just "by chance" or "by science", and not intelligently thought out? So yes, there is a God, a Creator. So... why would a Creator leave His Creation hopeless and on their own? To die and just be in darkness instead of have an Eternal Home? Like that Rob Bell video = EVERYTHING is spiritual. and EVERYTHING can relate back to God and most of all, Christ.

I've witnessed the transformative power of believing in Christ within myself, and others. If this is all based around some "fictional character", no one would have true Joy. It would some how be deluded and forgotten in due time. We'd waver and instead of coming back, we'd stay gone. We'd find a new way.

But there is a Christ. There is Eternal hope through Him. I KNOW it. I know they'll probably argue that the "brain is a powerful thing" and that we are all "tricking ourselves" into believing these supernatural feelings. Sure, whatever. But how can you feel something deep in your spirit and soul, uncontrolled by your brain if it weren't true? How can you feel like rejoicing every time you have a new brother or sister in Christ if we're meant to be selfish humans and not TRULY care for others' souls? How can "make-believe" send hundreds upon thousands into mission fields, or create martyrs for our faith?

I don't care what this guy has to say. He's going to approach everything from an intellectual, logical standpoint. Which is all good and fine, but something like faith and belief can't be defined or caged by logic and intelligence. Even those without intelligence or logic, if they have faith and spirit, it's TRULY there -- it's defined, and nothing can take that away.

I believe revival has never been more apparent in our World -- this is just a ploy by Satan to trip believers up in what their faith is. Honestly, upon reading that article, I felt rattled. I felt shaken and sad and confused -- and that wasn't even the full story. I attempted sleep but tossed and turned. But in my times of fret and doubt, Christ has a way of reassuring me all is okay -- in ways He knows I'll understand.

I remember stirring from a half-sleep and kicking through my covers, sighing with exasperation. My eyes opened but all I saw was darkness. Typical. I rolled over, trying to force myself into a comfortable position to sleep again, but my troubled mind would not feel comfortable yet. I hated that I read that, I hated that my soul rattled with worry and doubt. I hated that the sinful human in me was imperfect and was almost crying out to be shaken, to fall off the path and run the other way. I curled my fingers into the comforter and was about to burrow myself before my eye caught something in the room.

A single shred of light was coming through the window. With my half rested eyes, this light appeared bright and contrasted sharply against the swarming darkness. It was the middle of the night, but this light seemed as welcoming and calming as day. I peeked over the top of the covers, and a sudden comfort seemed to flood my soul as I stared at that light. I knew I wasn't dreaming, the entire moment was very real; but, I also knew that my window shutters couldn't have been that cracked to let forth such a beautiful shard of light.

"My heart will sing...."

I sighed with contentment and rested my head my eyes growing heavy as I watched the light.

"... no other name..." 

A song played in my mind, as if lulling me to sleep. I smiled and let it take me. The light slowly disappeared but only due to my eyes slowly falling shut, letting my soul escape into dreams and peace.

"... Jesus, Jesus."

Regardless of my sinful nature, I knew where my heart stood, and with whom it stood with. Jesus always spoke to me most through my dreams, through moments of vulnerability. This world may be confusing, imperfect and tumultuous -- but God's love is as simple and beautiful as a shard of light in total darkness.

Saturday, October 5, 2013


... but sometimes, maybe, that's a good thing?

I stop and look down at my scuffed boots on the rain stained concrete. It's October, and I feel it in the air: the pulse of fall is invigorating. The distant sound of rustling leaves, the smell of awakened coffee shops and pumpkin lattes. Collapsing into a warm bed on a cool day for a blissful nap. Reading yellowed pages by firelight, squishing pumpkin seeds in your fingers, laughter on your lips, dusk-time, sweaters, scarves. With a content smile, I keep walking.

I feel overewhelmed, constantly. By both good, and bad. But, is that so wrong? Is that so stressful?

How are people that aren't overwhelmed? What do they think about?

I have passion in my soul. Conviction in my being. Fire in my eyes. I'd rather get riled up and passionate than feel nothing. I'd rather be overwhelmed and busy and stressed than lacking anything to do. I'd rather be suffocated with inspiration and dreams than be left only shrugging my shoulders and curling my lips tight. I'd rather have sleepless nights than glazed eyes. I'd rather have an enflamed heart than deadness, dryness, emptiness. I smiled and clutched my bag to my chest, letting out a sigh.

aybe it's time to start embracing the stress, and embrace being overwhelmed - that's just proof that God is working in your life so actively that your body and mind and spirit are trying to keep up. Sure it's hard. Sure it can lead to many feelings; anger, depression, madness, confusion. But let's take each day at a time. Just as fall takes each little thing to become one amazing season: let's take each little blunder, each stress, each accomplishment to become better spirits shedding God's light.

It's good. It's a blessing.

Instead of dashing through the rain like all those around me, I closed my eyes and lifted my head -- soak it in, I felt Him whisper. This is just the start of the best year of your life. Await My glory for you.

I'm ready, God.

- - - - - 

Excitement<3 i="">
- Cosplaying Ariel! & Emma!
- Once Upon a Time and Korra
- Illustration show!
- Sweaters!
- Best friends <3 p="">- Cool weather
- Most of all... God's work in my life!

I love all you ladies. Seriously, my best friends. :') And I'm so blessed to have you in my life. I hope everyone is having a blessed day!

Thursday, July 11, 2013

You owe me a reason.

This gif though sums up everything I feel at the moment that I really want to say.

Sorry for the cursing it has, but eh, that's honestly how I'm feeling. >____>

How can someone be in a relationship for almost 3 years yet hardly acknowledge your existence? Compliment you? Surprise you? Hold you? Encourage you? Help you? Speak with you? ACT LIKE THEY FREAKING EVEN CARE???

How often does one have to go through this up and down, back and forth cycle? I'm starting to feel like a break-up would feel better than this feeling ever would...


I need to go pray and just be with God. I'm too sad lately... I'm sure a lot of it is stress driven and period related (sorry, TMI lol) but still. I have a lot to think about.

I'm tired of putting up a front.

I haven't been finding my true Joy in Him.

Friday, June 21, 2013

You're gonna' miss me when I'm gone

I've decided to start looking into job opportunities/internships this summer so I can be prepared. I'll probably start off small, but we'll see where I can go.

Guys, I really want to pursue my dreams. No more slacking or wanting to play it safe.

It would be a dream to go after a character design/graphic design job for Disney or Nickelodeon. Or some sort of similar studio where inspiration is constantly thriving. Even if it's just an internship or a program, any opportunity would be amazing. I need to work on my character designing/storyboarding if I want to get anywhere within the Nickelodeon animation studios and do character design/concept art like I dream, but I have a pretty strong portfolio for design being built right now at least. So that's something. :)

I can't wait for my life to start. You know, if I have to leave Oklahoma to do this, I will. I love all my friends and family, but nothing is totally tying me here yet. I have so much ahead of me and a bright future right at my hands. I'm going after it full force within this last year to get started.

I'm going to start by entering art/design contests as much as possible; if you guys come across anything please let me know! I want to get my work out there, and challenge myself and design/illustrate within the spectrum of what I will be working in. Sometimes school projects are great, but sometimes they're not exactly what I want to do within my career. So I need to actively pursue and see what it is EXACTLY I excel at and then chase that down like crazy.

Meh, I'm honestly in a bitter mood right now about a lot of things. Probably heightened by the fact I didn't get but 4 hours of sleep last night and have a full day ahead of me. I'm burning the candle at both ends this summer. I just hope I can make it and enjoy the summer. But, it has been worth it -- my portfolio is building and that's what matters. I'm going to excel and thrive.

I can do this.

I hope everyone else is doing well. :)

Friday, May 17, 2013

I could use somebody.

I love this song... Such a perfect song for my mood todayyy.

I woke up today around 1:00.. I'm mad at myself for sleeping in but I just feel so tired from this past school semester. I think my body is trying to make up for it, but still. I need to get up at a normal hour tomorrow and then the next day.

My parents want to know what I want to do for my birthday and I'm just like "meh, I don't really care". I honestly don't anymore, it's kinda' funny, how when I was little I always wanted a party or something big to happen. I guess that's a symptom of growing older. I also just don't like attention on me too much.

I just really want my room to be finished. >.<

I'm waiting to get my TV installed and then some shelving for my desk/study area so I can store stuff. I'm going to hang my pretty lights up today and keep unpacking and organizing. Eventually I want an area rug, new sheets/comforter, and hang up some new decorations. Some of which are past convention art I've bought I just really love among other things. :)

I really want to make my room into a mini-sanctuary to just relax in. I"m storing a lot of stuff in the attic and man.. it's nostalgia going through some of it. It also feels good packing unnecessary stuff away so my room feels clean and organized. It does make me realize just how much I hold on to stuff, it's almost pathetic lol. But, also worth it when I'm going through my memory box and I come across something from elementary school that warms my heart. No regrets.

What else is new... well, I've done nothing much else this week but sleep and unpack/organize, I guess. I worked two evenings, which was nice to have so many days off, including this entire weekend. Especially since that job is driving me nuts. I worked pretty hard on Tuesday, working circles around the two people there who went on smoke breaks together leaving me alone. Yet, the next day I get a text from the morning opener saying how we "didn't get anything done". Really? Even if he was joking, it was kind of a slap in the face. Jerk... Yep, ready to leave now especially. No respect there.

I've been watching America's Next Top Model like non-stop. Oiiii.

Hopefully, I can make the most of next week of it. Who knows what next week brings, and then the next is school again...

I need to do something to cheer myself up today. :'// I'm just in a down mood for some reason and I can't figure out why... Probably thinking too much.

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Now that I see you...


Today's been kinda' disappointing.

All I really did was lounge around, and then went to work. Work can be fun but still, I get home and am tired. I usually work circles at that place. And still am having to train people... I hope when I transfer to the OKC store I can work with Sable more.

I got home and just wanted to watch my new Moulin Rogue blu-ray and pack/organize/clean... but our blu-ray player wouldn't play it, said it needed "an upgrade". I got so frustrated cause I spent like $13 on it. >:( I hope I can get it to play cause it's only blu-ray option so... yeah. I ended up just vegging on FB and kinda' pouting the rest of the night.

Ethan got my hopes up this weekend, twice, about hanging out. I really, really hate that. Dude, just don't say anything to me don't let me get my hopes up. Or, here's a wild idea: surprise me and show up anyway. You know I always love your company, and would rather be WITH people than alone any day... Why be so distant thinking I "want that space"?

UGH. I HATE MEN. -_- He just doesn't get me at all and it's getting really annoying...

During work, on my Pandora station, "Part of Your World" came on. The Broadway version (BEAUTIFUL, btw). I lovvvvvvee love love that song. Well, of course people kinda' snorted when it came on. And when I said "don't you dare skip it!" I turned back to finish giving change to my customer and he was smirking and said "Oh, I'm only judging you just a bit, but honestly, judging you."

I know he was being sarcastic, but it kinda' pissed me off.

I mean, come on. What is so freaking wrong with loving Disney? Or cartoons? Or shows like My Little Pony? What's wrong with embracing innocence and childhood and dreams? People at school tease me, I feel like I have to hide who I am half the time... like people will pick up my key lanyard, see MLP on it, giggle a bit or sing the song or snort and joke about it. Like really? Get over yourselfs. Sorry I don't watch flesh-rotting zombies or incestual sex for entertainment (I'm looking at you, Walking Dead & Game of Thrones). Sorry that I enjoy bright colors, beautiful animation, lovely stories, powerful morals,  life lessons, innocence, beloved songs, treasured memories... Sorry I daydream or sing while I work or hum "Go the Distance" or "A Whole New World" while I go place to place. Sorry my idea of fun is creating costumes from scratch, drawing, reading comics or watching animated movies from Pixar or Disney.

Actually no, not sorry, they are the sorry ones. Losers.

I'll just quit everything and be a character-actor, or even a janitor, at Disneyworld. I'd be totally fine with that... I'd belong there.

*SIGH*, people suck.

I got a 100 on my photography project (the Disney one, ironically lol). And my teacher said it was clear  I was passionate about it... yeah, I really, really was. It was so fun. I felt like I was engaging in these stories I love so much... Part of me wonders if graphic design is right for me. I pray and hope it leads me to the job meant for me, my dream. Concept illustration for shows like Korra, or movies like Disney, high-end fashion/costuming photography for Disney or conventions...

I'm starting to embrace I won't really ever grow out of all this that I love. Disney, childhood stories, cartoons, animation, comics, drawings, innocence, theatricality... And I'm okay with that.

I AM FINALLY MOVED OUT. And living with my parents. I'm so happy to be in a peaceful setting... a sleepy setting, they go to bed so early and it's so relaxed here I want to go to bed way early too lol. That's good though.

I'm gonna' try to jog/walk/run every morning this summer. Or at least get up and work-out somehow... just to stay active and start losing weight. I need to get back in shape. It's gotten bad.

Ladies... never let go of your dreams. Or your youth. Don't let haters hate. Be yourself. Who cares what they think? We'll never see them again, most likely, and if we do, well, they'll just grow to love us or they don't need to be our friends. What matters is your opinion of yourself, and your friendships you already have. I'm tired of feeling like I have to put up a front, or that I can't be myself because I'm worried about what other people think. I'm so, so sick of that. I'm going to try to change that. I don't want anything to hold me back from being all I can be.

Friendship is magic.

Stay forever young.

Change your own fate.

Find your new dream.

Discover who you truly are...

Have a barrage of Disney and Big Four pics. Love you all.