Thursday, February 14, 2013

Need to quit getting my hopes up.

Today ended up turning out pretty crummy.

On top of the school stuff I posted about earlier, work was just... awful. Worse shift ever no doubt. It wasn't really the customers at all, we didn't have any rude ones entirely. We were generally slow. However...

We had about 25-30+ boxes that were delivered from the warehouse. Mind you, these boxes hold maybe... 60-80 movies each, sometimes more if they're thinner cases or video games. We had tonnnnnnns of video games, movies, boxsets, blu-rays, etc... the MOST I have ever seen come in at once. However, they were delivered YESTERDAY AFTERNOON. Our corporate policy is that all boxes are received and at least processed through within a day's time. With big deliveries like this obviously it'll take longer, but it's worked on every day, every shift, as much as possible until it's finished.

The guy that was there when they were delivered -- we'll call him Jim -- was the shift leader. He had the WHOLE evening shift Wednesday night (which is 4-10 PM) as well as the WHOLE morning shift today (9 AM - 4 PM) to work on them. He could have most definitely at least knocked out a few and just started running stuff. we're not expecting them to all get done. But Andrew, the shift leader for today came in at 3 PM and... NOTHING WAS DONE. It'd been a whole day and a half and they hadn't even left the back of the store. When Andrew confronted Jim, apparently Jim just said "I'm paid to be here, I don't care if they tell us to get that stuff out at a certain time I'm not doing that s***" literally. He said this in a prideful, "jesting" way as if Andrew would find it funny, but he didn't; it meant that as Jim got to leave, Andrew and the evening crew (which was me and one other person) would have to get ALL of these received and processed by the end of the shift to get caught up on progress that should have been done already.

It was TONS of work, guys. Seriously. It requires scanning each and every one, opening it and checking the disks to make sure they're there, opening and tagging them with security tags, sorting them out, re-stickering them, removing excess stickers and shrink wrap, re-shrink wrap them, sort them out by category, alphabetize and stock. It was hundreds and hundreds of stuff to go through. We stayed an hour longer than scheduled JUST to finish processing them. We didn't even get to get much stocked. We had to get everything situated neatly because we couldn't stay any longer.

We wrote a letter to the manager complaining about Jim's behavior, we hope something will be fixed.. our manager is just so lackadaisical about employee relations and fixing problems. He's let this behavior go on FOREVER. This is NOT the first time it's happening, it's just the worst it's happened thus far. We didn't get to take breaks at all or even leave. The only way we got to even eat was because Aubrey's mom brought us pizza. And it was really sweet and good, but I just felt gross cause I've eaten nothing but cruddy food all week. Ugh.

I weighed myself and haven't lost any weight since my last weigh-in two weeks ago. I'm feeling frustrated and defeated... it's probably because I'm bloated for monthly reasons, but also because I honestly caved and ate cruddy food and drank soda and tons of coffee cause I was just stressed and tired the past week and a half wanted to quit having self-control and being strong. I wanted that comfort back. Now I regret it of course, that's how it always works. I just wish I could burn off a good amount of weight to keep me motivated to push through...

I just felt fat and ugly today and hated the dreary weather upon leaving work.

On top of that, it's Valentine's Day and I honestly felt a little forgotten. Ethan didn't do anything for me. He didn't even surprise me at work or anything, he stopped talking to me halfway through the day... idk what I expected. One year (I thought it was last) I worked V-Day evening and he showed up at work with flowers and chocolates. I was hoping for that I guess. Almost expecting it. But nope... probably just working on commissions. Idk...  He'd been sweet the past couple of days, pretty attentive too, I'd hoped even though we couldn't actually hang out tonight he'd do something... but instead, it's just been silence and being ignored. He said "we'll just make it up another day" but I honestly don't know how or when that will happen. I'm honestly really bitter with him right now and tired... I just wanted something from him you know? Not a gift or cheesy stuff, maybe just a visit. Is that so hard :/

There's also just a ton of other stuff on my mind weighing me down... I really need to just pray to God to night to get all my frustrations and anxieties out... and get a good night's rest I think...

I'm also emotional and moody cause of time of the month stuff, so sorry if I seem like annoying or whiny or bitter. I'll get over it, I just needed to vent.

Valentine's Day + humility lesson.

So today was our first critique day in photography. I go in feeling entirely confident, probably almost smug. I put my pictures up and feel like top dog, mine and maybe a couple other's have the best in the class, but I felt mine were just really dynamic and intriguing.

I sit down, lean back, and put my hands behind my head, almost smirking. Critique would be a cinch for me -- I'd give the best critique in class, I'm used to this already, going through this process. I get it all the time in design in the harshest of ways sometimes. Critique rolls around and I'm speaking up, using big terms and pointing out things, giving critique the correct way.

My teacher slows me down. "We haven't really discussed that yet so I'm not grading on things like composition." It stung -- I'm trying to give critique, they KNOW what composition is right? I kinda' held my tongue the rest of that person's work. I finally roll around and I felt like my critique was empty. He mainly talked about how I should print on glossier paper, and not at Kinko's. He didn't really say much good about my pieces, just asked me why I shot in certain ways. Others didn't speak up much either except for "I like it". I didn't know how to feel. My face felt flushed and red and as we moved on to the next person, I felt defeated.

A handful of people who I thought had mediocre photos got better critique and praise. I felt defeated, but then, ashamed of how prideful I was acting and feeling. I lost all humility and got too attached with my work that it affected me personally. I'm so used to being detached from my work with design/illustration, but photography has been like my source of art recently. This is truly the first "critique" I've gotten. I've learned from it though -- I can't be too attached, I have to be critical and always making myself better.

*SIGH* God will smack ya' down if you have too much pride, you know?

I'm happy it's Valentine's Day -- a day to show love to EVERYONE not just your relationship partner. Keep that in mind, folks: it's about spreading love to everyone around you, your friends and family, not just boyfriend or girlfriend. I'm gonna' try to do that today, at work, when I'll be REALLY tempted to be bitter... I'm just bummed I have to work tonight. My co-worker told me there's a lot to do, because as usual, the morning crew did nothing. I'm really irritated. I'm considering turning my two weeks notice in soon.

Transfer to the OKC store and work with Sable. >:P Screw this Edmond store, it sucks.

Anyway on Valentine's Day, Lara left me a cute little gift -- a cupcake, cute socks in a cute little box and a handmade V-Day card :3 She's such a sweet roomie. Despite all my little problems here and there, I'm super blessed by her. Her consistent optimism and compassionate personality is inspiring. I wish I had time and energy and thought to do stuff like that for her and others -- I need to work harder on that kind of language of love with other people, gift giving and hand-made thngs. They mean so much!

I can't wait 'til tomorrow~ I have the whole day off, which will be soooo nice <3 :="" a="" all="" and="" apartment.="" around="" as="" but="" can="" cleaning="" clue.="" cosplay="" crazy="" day="" did="" do="" done="" down="" drawing="" enjoying="" ethan="" for="" get="" getting="" got="" gotta="" have="" holds="" homework="" i="" in="" insane="" it="" just="" last="" like="" little="" m="" may="" maybe="" my="" myself="" night="" no="" nothing="" off="" on="" or="" our="" p="" plan="" probably="" room="" since="" sleeping="" slowed="" so="" some="" stuff="" t="" the="" then="" thing="" this="" through="" to="" tomorrow="" too.="" treat="" v-day="" wait="" want="" was="" week.="" week="" weekend="" well="" whatever="" work.="" work="">
Naka-kon a month away! AAH! I can't wait! <3333 p="">

You all are fantastic and I love you! Have an amazing Valentine's Day. <333 p="">

These next two are two of the five pictures I had to turn in today :) They're the ruins out by Ethan's house.