Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Turning tables.

So the first week of school has gone and went, and the second one is nearly over too! Man. Time is already passing by rather quickly already, so I hope it stays this way... before we know it gals, it'll be Peter Pan time! <3 And then fall and cooler weather, Izumicon and then winter break, and then who knows what else! I'm excited for some change from this nasty heat and letting go of summer finally, and embracing school and the fall.

I've been pretty good at staying on top of homework and assignments so far. I'm trying to use my time more efficiently instead of just lying around a lot or procrastinating like I always used to. There's honestly no other way; between school AND work, I don't have time to waste, or time to procrastinate. If I do, I can't possibly recover last minute or anything. Time to grow up and be responsible. :)

Me and Ethan are fine, however, I'm getting a little upset with his negligence to talk to me regularly. We can't see each other as often because of school and work, but, he doesn't even really text me, call me, or IM me much.. like yesterday, he texted me around one randomly, quoting LazyTown lyrics. I thought it was really cute and funny and I texted him back finishing the lyrics like we always tend to do; be witty or clever with our texts to one another. But then he NEVER replied back, like literally. All day. Nothing. I didn't text him or hound him or whatever to see if he'd think to text me or something but he never did... he finally texted around ten thirty saying "How is your evening going?" and I'm like "x______x" IT'S PRACTICALLY GONE NOW, THANKS. But I didn't say that, I didn't reply until I got on FB and he IMd me saying he had texted me. By then I was annoyed, bitter and tired so I was sort of short and cold towards him and got off rather briskly and passed out.

I'm trying to become less clingy and worrisome in the relationship. Last time we talked, he said how when I overreact or get over emotional/cry a lot or whatever, it tires him out. I make him tired most of the time when he's tired... Which really sort of caught me off guard and hurt a little. I understand where he's coming from: I'd be tired of me if I was constantly whining or upset or emotional like I can get when I'm tired/stressed/whatever. But, now I'm even weary to tell him anything that could burden him or stress him out... like how I feel when he doesn't talk to me/communicate with me. I'm still trying to decipher what he thinks, how's the best I should adapt to the relationship as we're working through these problems..

It's just confusing; like that song by Adelle, his tables are always turning... Last Thursday night he had surprised me at my apartment with a Sonic drink, and was really sweet... Friday and Saturday we hung out and it was so nice. He had made me this CD of songs that explained his feelings for me, or what he thought about me, and it made me cry how sweet and romantic they were. And now he's acting like this, not wanting to talk to me at all really, hardly even seeming like he's TRYING to. :( It's just frustrating I guess. I find myself sitting around and wishing or wondering when he'll act like he did "this one time" or "that one time" when he's acting like this... I dunno'. Guh, it's all stupid.

Sorry for my blogs about Ethan stuff lately... It's my easiest way of talking to you all about it since we see each other so little now ;_; I miss you ladies! We need to have a girl's day.. .and I can't wait 'til Peter Pan! <3

Love you all!

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Get it right.

Sometimes, I feel exactly like that song.

I just do nothing but make things worse by being over emotional or caring too much. I just wish people could see that sometimes instead of calling me emotional or hot-headed or whatever. I want to feel, breathe, be passionate; I want to show people I care. That doesn't mean I have to be outgoing, or loud, or whatever; I do it in my own way. When I'm close to people, I want to help them; listen to them, give them advice, laugh or cry with them, be their shoulder to lean on. I want the same from them too though, but lately through self-discovery, I'm realizing there's still a lot of past baggage I need to sort through. A lot that I've gone through with relationships/trust with people has sort of scarred me in a sense.

I cling closely to people, I want to feel wanted and want to belong, want to be trusted by them because I've been left behind by so many friends, and even relationships. I've been just dropped cold, smiled at and talked to one day, and totally not talked to the next; they just walked out thinking they could ignore me entirely. My parents for a while gave me the impression you need to just bite the bullet and face it; not to cry or get upset because that's weakness that won't really help. Even though I expressed these concerns to them recently, and they never wanted me to get that impression that I couldn't be weak or cry, I grew up for a long time feeling and believing that. It's basically trying to rework my entire system and way of thinking.

Basically... I want to get it right. I want people to see how much I care but I want to stop messing things up, even little things, on my way there. This is mainly stuff with Ethan I'm talking about currently; in past relationships I was talked to, texted to, and called a lot. They each talked to me regularly, but one of them dumped me suddenly and the other one just... well, disappeared. And I didn't hear from him for a year and a half or so, and when I DID hear from him, it was a Facebook apology message about a paragraph long, and he didn't even reply to that. So now with this relationship, I feel scared or worried if Ethan doesn't reply back or talk to me; I just think he's going to leave, walk out. Though he'd never do that, EVER, it still eats at me. I can't help but desire some sort of consistent communication, even if it's little, in a relationship, or I'll feel like I'm being ignored or abandoned again. That doesn't mean CONSTANT texting, tons of phone calls, or always seeing him; it's not like I'm not trusting him, it's nothing like that. It's my own problems sort of inconveniencing both of us, which is why I'm so frustrated with myself right now.

I've been living in this sort of dream state/fantasy land of what I think the perfect relationship should be like, and those unreachable expectations are blinding me from this... amazing guy I'm with, and I'm still going around thinking he's never good enough or does this or that wrong.. Which is why, I want to finally get it right; just figure things out, and learn to deal, and learn to adapt. I want to grow, learn and change. Become a better me, for him, but most of all, for myself.

(so, the entirety of the video doesn't go with everything I'm talking about, but it still was a really good but emotional Glee video so I chose it ;_;)

Thanks for reading guys. <3

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Kansas City trip :)

So, overall, our Kansas City trip was really fun. :) We didn't get to stay long enough in my opinion for all that we could've done; most of the trip felt like driving since we only stayed one full day @_@ Oh well, it was still really fun.

It was about a six hour drive there and back. We left Thursday afternoon and got there around eight PM that evening (the whole ride for me felt awful cause I had horrible car sickness). After settling into the hotel, we strolled around a little outlet/outdoor mall, sadly most of the stores were closed and we had a lot of the stores in OKC anyway. We came back, crashed at the hotel (falling asleep to a thunderstorm that sounded like it was gonna' blow through the hotel Dx) and got up for our full day Friday.

We got out early and hit up some really awesome vintage walk along shops in Kansas City (now, since there's two Kansas City's, it's hard to tell ya' which one we were in exactly; but this one was the KC in Kansas itself XD). There was one boutique with ADORABLE dresses and clothes, OH, Mattie and Cheryl I wish you could've been with me! D: However, they were vintage in the sense of "expensive vintage" and some of the dresses were $150+ D:!!! There were some ROCKING red, knee high suede boots I fell in love with, but they were too small TT.TT and then some adorable red ankle boots that were too small too, plus they were $84... D: Cute stuff, too pricey though.

The next store we went in was called Retro Vixen, and it lived up to it's name @.@. They had some cute dresses in there, but a lot of it was sort of "slutty" looking, a la, "vintage sexy" I guess. Like, weird stockings, pin up girl clothes/bras/dresses, etc... There was a super cute vintage swimsuit I loved, but yet again, too expensive. So that store failed, and we went on to the one next door.

This one was great! The stuff was a lot cheaper and there was more variety, they also had guy vintage clothes too which was really cool. As well as knickknacks and things, not just clothes, and the whole store actually felt vintage instead of just some boutique with vintage looking clothes. PLUS, the store owner had a dog, a beautiful one that had a mix of labrador in it and something else. She was super sweet though and kept my dad occupied while me and my mom looked around. XD I bought a super cute scarf there, but I wanted to save my money so I didn't get much else.

After THAT one, we went to an even better vintage store, called Boomerang. It's like goodwill, but more hip and way more retro feeling. Literally with stuff from the 40's to the 80's, it was all so cute and flashy and stylish! ;D They also had vintage toys and products, like cameras, LPS, magazines, etc... I bought two original Seventeen magazines, dated from the 1950's! It's soooo cute, I have to show you gals sometime. I also got some awesome sunglasses, and a cute red beret. I would've spent more, but we still had more shops to go to, so I held myself back, haha. The shopkeeper was really awesome (probably totally gay) but really cool none the less. When I was admiring the vintage camera they had I talked to him about how I was into photography and design and stuff, and he noticed me clutching the Seventeen magazines, and he said something like, "Ohh, fashion, photography, design you're into a great future ahead of you! When you're making oodles of money and famous, come back and sign something for me! Even if it's just this receipt!" He was so nice and encouraging about art/design it warmed my heart. <3

Our last shop of the day was a really amazing antique mall. Literally, a MALL. It was four stories high, EVERY FLOOR full of antiques, similar to the antique malls we have here, just .... MORE OF IT. The entire basement was nothing but books, like the book fair held every year, but a bit more expensive. The other floors just had a variety of displays of vintage things and antiques; I mainly bought retro Coca-Cola stuff for me and Lara's apartment kitchen since that's the theme we're going for. There was, however, a WHOLE section for just old cameras, of all kinds. I literally almost hyperventilated, they were all so beautiful ;_; Polaroids, old movie cameras and SLRs, that all still probably worked too if you could find the film for them.

I just about died, but didn't end up buying one; my dad sort of talked me out of it for now, cause he figured with school and stuff coming up I wouldn't have time to mess with an old camera, especially find film for it. I want to start collecting them though; especially Nikons since that's what I shoot with, and eventually try to use them. I find it fascinating to use old cameras to get that old film/photograph look without any computer editing needed. Raw photography at it's finest is a beautiful thing too :) I DID, however, buy an old, red film roll I'm going to use for decoration in my room. <3

After that we ate and got ready for the Red Sox vs. Kansas City Royals baseball game. THAT was a blast! The Red Sox won, seven to one, and we had GREAT seats. We were in the shade in the whole time and it was really peaceful but exciting. Sitting next to my dad, he taught me everything and educated me more about baseball so I'm finally understanding it now, and can watch the game and enjoy it instead of wonder what's going on. Baseball really is a fun sport to watch, a lot of people don't think so, but I really love it. It's all a mind game, really, and a sport that you definitely have to use smarts almost constantly. Even though the Red Sox won, all the Royals fans were good sports; after the game, they had a fireworks show which was really awesome to see from the stadium; they shut off all the lights, and played music. It definitely felt like an awesome summer moment. :)

Saturday, or today, is when we left; we actually went on a small detour through Joplin because my parents wanted to see the damage of the tornado since they're in healthcare/disaster management and what not. It was really, really eerie and haunting though once you get to the damaged areas... it was like Piedmont's damage, but times twenty. It completely wiped out a high school, and their entire medical/healthcare area of their town. Neighborhoods were totally destroyed and some business too. The trees were gnarled and eaten up in odd ways, and knowing 150+ people died in the storm made it even more haunting. People were still out cleaning up the damage and rebuilding; it's been two months but it still looks like it just happened yesterday... However, it was really awesome to see some things; like, one of the churches that was totally nailed, the giant, iron cross that was in front of it was left totally untouched. The hospital that got destroyed in Joplin, outside their entrance was a statue of two hands holding a cross... that was left untouched too. It just shows you that God is in everything, and is there through the storm, staying strong through the storm. Had I been a victim of those tornadoes, I would've seen that and been filled with hope.

After we viewed all of that, we were on a mission to find the VintageStocks in the area; someone had told me that a HUGE VintageStock was in Joplin, the size of three Edmond stores with a movie/game playing area and all this stuff... I was determined to find it and the headquarters, and I had this image in my mind of this glorious VintageStock and was super stoked...

However D: the one we ended up finding was even smaller than Edmond's, and the service was awful. They didn't have a very good selection of anything and I felt down that I was told wrong or tricked or something. Or that the other one was actually somewhere else in Missouri. It was the original VintageStock store, but it was still so small. And when we found the headquarters, it was even SMALLER, and sort of randomly placed and practically hidden. We were like, "seriously??" and I felt super bummed. I don't know why, but it bothered me and I was somewhat annoyed. HOWEVER, when we were eating I looked up the location, and there are two Vintage Stocks; one literally down the block from the one we did end up finding. Luckily I persuaded my parents enough and they took us there; and holy cow, that was no disappointment...

This VS was an anchor store to a huge mall; and walking inside I was greeted with tons of rushing AC, and this gigantic VS that surpassed my vision. It was A GINORMOUS STORE, like four Edmond stores combined honestly. They had a stage with live music playing, tons of things on the walls, endless movies and games, oodles of toys and they even had a whole book section, like used books, almost as big as a small bookstore. They did have a section with a theater sized TV and rows of couches where they had movies going on, and another section with a circle of big screen TVs and couches with games on that you could play and test out. Couches were near the books and everything! And even with all this stuff there was still so much space and it felt so open and welcoming. The service was great too. I felt in shock and awe and wanted to spend all day in there D: I was taking pictures like a nerd and trying to see everything and see how they do everything, and what they sold, had, etc...

However, my parents were ready to get on the road home so I was pulled away. D: I bought some souvenirs though, haha, some awesome rare Pokemon cards they had for a shwell deal, as well as a plushie and then a poster. I mainly looked for stuff we wouldn't generically have at our VS, so I think I did okay. I mainly was excited about seeing it and seeing just how big it was; I even saw it before my own manager, haha when I texted him he was both shocked and jealous. It was pretty fun, I wish I could've stayed there longer though; and walked through the whole mall, it looked so big and awesome and intriguing @_@

But now we're home, and it feels good. School starts on Monday but I've accepted; I'm almost ready for it, it'll give me something to do, somewhere to be, I'll be in my own apartment and living on my own again. I'm hoping this year will be full of new memories, projects, friends and fun. I love summer fun, but school has a lot of fun moments too; plus, fall and winter are both coming up, which means cooler weather and the holidays! I'm so excited ^^

OH, and I'm currently watching through an amazing anime right now, called "His and Her Circumstances" (IE: "Kare Kano") and it's super cute! You can tell it's an older anime too, probably in the 90's or early 2000's or so, but I love it. The story is cute and the characters are lovely. I'm trying to get through all my anime so I can finally buy new anime and keep up with my collection, haha. I'm determined! >:O

Well, I love you all, and thanks for reading this awfully long blog post! :'D

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

It's all winding down.

School is about to start again! Less than a week away. Man, where did time go?

I guess I'm bummed summer is over, but also, ready for school to start. Ready for change, for new memories and experiences. And even though stress and challenges will come along the way with homework, projects and deadlines, it will make me grow up even more and mature one step further into my future. So, I'm ready to embrace it again and just accept that it has to happen sometime. Now I'll be working too, so I'll be kept pretty busy and probably always tired, haha. Hopefully I can balance everything well; we'll just see how this goes.

I've been packing the past few days to move into my apartment; this time, I'm packing even more stuff since I'll probably not be constantly coming home. I'm going to try to make my apartment feel as close to home as possible; so that means new decorations and I've probably spent too much money already, bahaha. A lot of my stuff in my room is from my room here at the house, like throw pillows and wall decorations, but I did get some new things. I'm excited to keep decorating my OWN PLACE, as well as learn budgeting for groceries and household things. I want to learn independence and this has all definitely been one step towards that. It's all about figuring out what you really need and what you don't need; what you can wait on, save up for, budget for, or whatever. It's all about having money in savings, and trying to find the most efficient way. It's all kind of fascinating, really.

Enough of that though, I'm sure it's not fun to read about. Haha. Overall, summer was okay; it wasn't entirely what I wanted it to be. I didn't get a nice, long vacation, or get to go to the beach like I wanted... I didn't get to really swim a lot or do a lot of different, fun things I don't normally have time for. I felt a lot of my summer went into convention preparation and conventions (which was very fun, but a lot of it stressful and at times rather dramatic, you girls know what I'm talking about), and if not that, then just working or sorting through relationship and personal issues. *sigh* Maybe though this summer was meant for that; a time to sort things out with myself and grow up a little bit... I guess we have to do it sometime. I can't expect summer to always be endless parties, constant swimming and relaxing or always getting to see friends or go shopping or go vacationing. Sometimes, summer is a transitional period that we can must take time to learn from instead of running from. Maybe next summer will be my relaxing, adventurous summer.

Anywhoodle! We're going to Kansas City tomorrow. Mainly for a Red Sox baseball game my dad really wants to go to, but baseball is always a fun sport to watch, so it should be exciting. After that we'll check out the shopping there; I'm excited I guess, but, I can't lie in saying I wish we could go to some naturey place where I can just soak in the trees or mountains or ocean for three days. THAT would be perfect. Shopping is great and all, but nothing beats relaxing in a beautiful place, surrounded by nature...

Oh well, maybe over fall break? I'm hoping so!

Gah, time to go back to packing, and hopefully moving things in and getting settled in will go by quickly tonight. I need to get some sleep for the drive tomorrow.

Love you all! <3

BTW: I feel like I'm slowly reaching my goal of longer hair; so I think after this next hair cut, my next one after that will be the short-hair haircut. And if not THAT one, then definitely the next. I'm getting excited for some change with my hair finally!

So, I'm thinking my hair cut similar to Alice's, a la Eclipse-ish style. I've had this similar style before and it looked pretty good. :) What do you guys think?

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Straight to you.

"It's okay."

No, it's--

"Just... let go, Emmy."

I can't.

"Let go."

No, I ca--!


"I CAN'T!" I cried.

Thunder roared in the sky and lightning snaked against the crimson clouds. My entire body was feeling the fatigue of the war. Roaring fights and battles raged around us, but I knew my Sense could not last much longer to keep us hidden and safe. Thick tears I'd been holding back finally slid down my face, and my whole being, heart, mind, soul was shaking and trembling, wanting to scream and cry out and give up. How could we win this? How?

I had my arms clutched around his forearms, and I fell to my knees, I couldn't hold myself any longer. I hung my head and cried out, screamed, let out everything my soul had been feeling the past three months. My father's face was slowly vanishing from my mind; what did he look like? What did his voice sound like? I was fighting for him all this time, to bring him home safely. I had it in my heart that I would never lose sight of that goal, and that his safety meant my determination only grew stronger... and yet, this war could even taint my own memories of him. The Parallel's virus was nothing but poison to a human mind, and I felt myself slowly losing to it's control. My fingers curled and dug into Damien's skin, clutching onto him for my entire life, but I finally grew quiet. My Sense was losing its power, but I clung to him as if he could revitalize it somehow. Or, clung to him to reassure myself I could maybe keep him alive.

At least keep Damien alive...

"Emmy." I lifted my head up, looked into his eyes. Damien's eyes, full of scars, chaos, mystery; however, they were unclouded in this moment. They were filled with truth, wisdom, and a glint of hope. His lips twitched into a soft, yet still crooked smile. "You are the most stubborn soul I have ever met."

"I-I'm sorry. I can't... we're both going to die here."

"No... we're not. Well," he huffed, blowing a lock of hair from his eyes. "we're both not at least," he finished.

"What?" I asked, startled. My fingers clutched his arms tightly again. His smile turned from wise and caring to a smile of... acceptance. Almost a crooked, peaceful smile.

"Emmy.. I deserve to die here. All of this is for your father; you can't give up now. You have to bring him back to your world, your home, and end this corruption of Parallel from spreading into Reality. If I die here, I just ... disappear. There's nothing much on the Other Wide for us Parallel citizens." He frowned, but his expression turned somber and his eyes gently lifted upward. "However, Emmy.. you being human, you have the chance for your soul to reside in a Paradise for eternity." His gaze fell on me again, stern this time. "You'd be an idiot to give something like that up just because you're too proud to stay alive."

"What? It's not about pride.. I ... " I watched him, my heart hurting. I knew I'd grown an attachment to Damien over these past months, however, I never knew to what magnitude. When I called out his name, or held onto him, or fought side by side with him in battle, it was all as if I'd never see him again. As if I'd look back at him, and he'd just smile and me that with crooked smile and then just vanish in a blink of an eye. Every moment I had with him, I felt like he'd no longer be there. The idea of losing him or not seeing him laughing or scowling or being sarcastic and slightly rude... pained me. With Damien, I always had this desire to fight for him, or help him, or stand in front of him if he were being persecuted, even if his towering six foot one could never be defended by my measly five foot four. Anytime he teased me or tousled my hair or said my name, I felt some odd twist inside, but thought it was annoyance this whole time. His mystery, his silent leadership, his passionate personality, his quiet solitude, his awkward kindness...

I knew what it was now.

"Damien, I..."

"We can't love in the Parallel, Emmy."

My heart sank.

Damien sighed heavily, and looked away. "It's not possible for a human or a Parallelian to love one another. Our alternate universes won't allow it; it's one of the great curses of human's interaction with the Parallel that the Creator finally had to end. Legends and folklore spoke of lovers across parallel universes, but it only ended in tragedy." His eyes were dead on me, cold and heartless. The first Damien I had ever met was now greeting me again, and I was kind of missing his snarky comments more. "Love across parallel universes can't happen."

I grew silent, and hung my head. I wasn't expect some sort of heart-filled confession from Damien as we embraced one another or kissed and ran into the sunset or anything. I accepted what he told me; I knew it wasn't a love meant to blossom or grow, it was just a feeling I knew I couldn't just deny entirely. It wasn't in my being to deny something I felt. "I just... I guess you figured it out. But, I can't just deny something that I feel. But now that it's out, you understand as to why I can't just let you sacrifice yourself so easily," I whispered.

Damien was silent. Painfully silent. He was accepting what I confessed, death, but I was too I guess. I felt my barrier weaken and I knew this was slowly the end. Slowly. I closed my eyes, just waiting to feel the piercing pain of the battle hitting me from all sides, as I was torn to shreds and disintegrated into the world of the Parallel. "You assumed... I was done with what I was saying."


His forehead rested gently on mine, and my heart leaped a little at the sudden closeness. Damien always tousled my hair or punched me in the arm, shoved me, tripped me, stood mildly close to me grabbed my wrist or hand, but all in either protective or teasing manners; never had he showed some sort of intimacy or vulnerability as he was showing me now. But I felt it from him; and saw it in his eyes when I lifted my eyes, and our gazes locked. "Just as you met yourself here, in the Parallel, already, there is a me in Reality as well." HIs voice was merely a whisper, rushed, as time was drawing closer, "He won't be entirely the same as me; your heart will have to find him."

"But if you die here, won't he die too?" I whispered frantically. I felt my throat thicken and my stomach knot, and my words came out hoarse and pathetic. Tears began to sting my eyes again. "Why are you telling me this when it's hopeless?"

"That's not entirely true. The Parallelians, our souls may not go to a Paradise after we're gone, but they do go somewhere else -- to Reality. To live another life. To explore and become anew. Now, though we already have been "living" in Reality to an extent, our Parallel selves after our deaths, our souls, and inner, raw feelings and emotions entirely will be remembered by our Reality self." He drew a heavy breath. "You know what I'm saying; you're bright, Emmy, so quit looking so struck with shock. You don't have much time; I can't stay here. You don't have enough power left to try to barricade both of us." Through my shock I didn't even notice his arms released from my hold; eventually he'd be completely visible to them again. They'd destroy him; even Damien himself, with his Sense of fighting and killing, couldn't stand the chance against an army.

He'd certainly die.

"DAMIEN!" I cried, my hands instantly found his face and tears rolled down my cheeks. "You've been the one forcing me to be strong, you can't just leave now -- You'd be quitting! Giving up! You told me to NEVER do that, you hypocrite!" I cried. He remained calm, and just held a hand over mine. He smirked.

"Emmy..." He let out a heavy sigh and shook his head. With that same smirk, he leaned in and gently pressed his lips against my forehead and then pulled back, his expression tender and caring as he tilted head up so my gaze could meet his. His voice was deep and stern, his crimson eyes reassuring and comforting. My heart ached as he spoke these words; "You know, once I am gone, my soul will come running again; straight to you."

And then, Damien slipped from my barricade. Into the battle, into his final breath.



I don't know, haha. It's late, but I felt like writing something; that's all probably total trash, but my idea is there.

Basically, Emmy and Damien have a tragic sort of... love story. Two souls can't love over parallel universes, it defies the laws of the universes set forth by the Creator. So, even though falling in love is still achievable between universes, it can never be acted upon or can never grow. Once the feelings are confessed, that's all it remains. A human is never even supposed to be in the Parallel, and vice versa.

Gah, it's all such a confusing story I'm still trying to sort. I didn't want Emmy and Damien to be typical sort of couple, I wanted some sense of tragedy between them to keep them ... legendary almost, to make their love stand out. The story itself isn't written as a love story, so their whole story is just a side note, however, a very important one too. It's not just totally ignored either once Damien dies.


I don't even want to re-read through that cause I'd be up another hour or two editing stuff @_@ GOODNIGHT.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

I will become stronger.

Today's theme is "strength", I'd say. In church today, we sang the amazing worship song "Stronger".

"You are stronger,
You are stronger,
Sin is broken,
you have saved me.
It is written, Christ is risen
Jesus you are Lord of all."

Which that song is just so.. simple, but so true. So true. I haven't raised my hands and sung with all my heart in a while. God truly used that to move in me today, but I didn't know just how or why yet, 'til tonight...

Not doing well spiritually or struggling with sin on a daily basis is always tough for a Christian; the world sucks us in and spits us out day by day but we keep going back to its instant gratification and shallow joy. However, Christ is STRONGER than all of that sin; sin is BROKEN because of Him, and because of Him, we can become stronger too. We can bear his name and share His love and feel his grace, and become stronger. Strength.

I need more strength.

I come across as a strong, reserved person (sometimes >>) but I'm really not. I'm weak, vulnerable, sometimes even pathetic. But, not all the time pathetic; I feel emotions, I have so much passion and compassion in me, sometimes it just boils over. My care and loyalty and love towards my friends, family, people in general, can be a blessing and a curse. I've been stabbed in the back by friends from middle school that claimed to be my best friends; I've been taken advantage of in relationships and then dumped almost the next day, I've been totally ignored and not even given closure. All of this scars me and traumatizes me; "Well, they both left me... will he leave me? What's wrong with me? Why isn't he talking to me..? That's just how [insert name here] left me..." or fears and worries about losing or breaking a friendship somehow whether that's what's happening or not... I feel I must please people or never be a burden, for that's my fear is what left me alone and deserted or stabbed in the back so many times.

I'm learning that's not all true though, that you can speak your mind however you must and true friends and loved ones will always still love you and be there for you. That fake friends are the ones that just leave you over anything or petty things, while real, true friends stick it out until the end. A true, loving relationship is based on commitment, loyalty and faith-based, and that I should trust as much as I want to feel trusted. I can't let my past hinder me anymore from fully blossoming into myself now.

Mainly, I'm not really grown up yet. I'm still immature, clinging to the past too often and not embracing the future enough. I'm still whimpering about why he hurt me or how he hurt me, or whatever. Sure, everyone has their right to forgive but not forget; to remember from that experience. But that's different than randomly feeling upset about it or over emotional the same thing will happen again. And sure, it's hard to get rid of those subconscious fears; experiences from relationships with others, friends or dating relationships alike, will all leave us with some sort of experience, scarring or not. Those experiences help mold our self-esteem; what gives us strength and inspires us, or what makes us worried and weakens us. We can't just expect to never let any past experience create some sort of worry, even if it's tiny, for the future. It's a defense mechanism in a way.

But, we can't let that bring us to the point of thinking we'll relive those scarring or hurtful experiences. That every relationship I have will end in him disappearing or pushing me too far physically, to then dump me; or that friends will always just randomly decide to talk behind my back, set me up or just stop talking to me. I need to understand that God gave me those experiences to learn from then, not to let them hold me back; He's given me so many loving, amazing people in my life now I could never see myself without... Cheryl, Ethan, Mattie, Jace, Andrew... my parents, my church family, everyone has been brought into my life and has changed me and helped me in ways I should really recognize more. I love you guys. ;_;

I want to be stronger for all of you. I want to be a better friend, and no longer be hindered by these scars of the past. Christ has broken through sin and is STRONGER than all our sin, all my sin... so I know, with His help above all, I can fly.

"So let your name be lifted higher."

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Road to becoming healthier.

So as summer is drawing to a close, I realized something; I haven't worked as hard on becoming healthy as I was planning to this summer. I've done more eating and sitting around and being lazy than working out and staying active. I guess it's easy to do when it's 100+ degrees outside and you're home alone all day; what's the point in tackling such hot, uncomfortable weather when I can sit comfortably on my computer or watch anime?


I need to change this!

I'm going to start slow though; when I try to take it all on at once, it never works out in my favor. But there was one point in the summer when I was losing weight for AKON that I lost, like, seven pounds, roughly five pounds in a week! And that was through exercising daily, eating and drinking right. I need to take on that mindset again but push it even further this time and keep it up, not just let it fail entirely.

Here's my plan!

1) Journal -- journal more, everyday, about what I eat and drink. Physically write it down. This way, I'm seeing on paper how much I consume instead of listening to my body say it tastes good so I keep eating it.

2) Drink more water -- this is key. At least eight glasses a day; I drink TONS of soda. So I need to compensate; less soda, more water.

3) Drink only light colored soda -- when I DO drink soda, I'm gong to try to make it Sprite or light colored soda only. Dark sodas are just awful for you. Those need to be a rare treat, or just not at all.

4) Soda with real sugars in it -- when I DO drink soda, even if it's a dark soda, I need to drink soda that has real sugars in it. Diet sodas are totally hypocritical; sure they don't have calories, but the fake sugars trick your body into thinking it's consuming real sugar when it's not. This also leads to you always feeling more hungry and consuming more food your body really doesn't need.

5) Exercise 3 times a week, for at least 30 minutes -- I'm going to try to bump this up to every day, but for now, due to schedules and conflicts, 3 times a week will have to do. From this I'll see when I can definitely work out if I can't eventually work out every day, or if working out every day is possibly after-all.

6) More fruit, less chips -- Basically find better ways to snack. How about some carrots instead of those Cheez-its? Why not some strawberries as a sweet treat than an ice cream sandwhich? A banana gives you more potassium for stronger muscles than snacking on chips will ever do. If I really want to treat myself, I need to do it in a healthy way -- low sugar/low fat ice cream, or even just a sweet tasty smoothie instead of a frappuchino or a milkshake.

7) Portion, portion, portion -- I need to watch my portions. When I go to restaurants, especially, it's hard to not eat all that food they give you; but that's not an excuse! I need to either save half of it for later, share it with someone, or tell them to not send out as much or something. And when I can choose my portions, I need to choose the right sized ones.

8) Accountability -- help me stay accountable! I'm very poor with my diet and exercise, and I think it's a comfort thing.. I go to food for comfort when I'm upset or stressed, because it's instantly there and always tastes good. I need to look out for my own body though, plus, I want to lose weight and look better too, for self-esteem and confidence issues I'm facing. Accountability is a soul thing that keeps me motivated and convicted, so, be annoying if you must! Haha.

That's all I can think of...and my goal weight loss is.. 20-30 pounds. Not necessarily by a certain time, just within a few months I want to lose that much and gain muscle tone instead. I want to feel good about myself, and literally feel BETTER in general.

Benefits of this road to becoming healthier:

- Higher self esteem and confidence
- More energy
- Routine sleep cycle again
- Less stress/a way to vent stress
- Strength building
- Focus and motivation
- A new goal to aim for
- Physically fit
- Live longer xD

Okay! Here goes nothin'! I'm gonna' do this! >:D

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Happily ever after.


So today's been an average day. I had to work nine to four, but we were SO slow. I think the opening of that new outlet mall, plus the fact it is tax free weekend, kept everyone at the clothing stores and not at entertainment stores. We literally had enough time to de-sanitize/clean/mop/sweep our entire work island, we only had to stock product once, AND I reorganized/re-spaced all the PS2, Gamecube and Wii games. Seems like a typical work day for any normal entertainment retail job, but considering we rarely get time to do those things since we're processing and readying buys/buying things from people all the time, it was a very rare occurrence indeed. I was feeling really productive though and the shift went by pretty fast.

After that I just came home and chilled with my parents. We sat outside on the back patio and watched the rain come through, and it was so nice! The temperature dropped and it felt amazing. I took some pictures with my telescopic lens of the rippling water over the smooth stone of our patio and then just sat back and enjoyed the rain. We went out to eat at a Mexican restaurant, and then proceeded to Best Buy so I could finally upgrade my laptop. It's basically the same thing, just a new/faster/better hard-drive and more room... It's weird switching over to a new laptop though even though it feels the same. I'm trying to keep a lot/most of my files on an external hard-drive, but it's hard not having EVERYTHING in one. I guess that's what I get for taking 8,000+ pictures and wanting to keep every last one of them...

After that we ran another errand then came home. Me and my mom watched the movie "Beastly", the modern take on Beauty and the Beast based off the book. I read the book and loved it, so I was curious about the movie. The book's details are somewhat faded from my mind, but, I loved the movie entirely. It was really well done I thought! -sigh- It re-introduced me to my love of that fairy-tale and fairy-tales in general. Beauty and the Beast has always been my favorite one; I related a lot to Belle when growing up, and I just think the whole moral is absolutely lovely. Seeing past superficial barriers to truly love someone. So romantic! *sigh*

In the movie, the "Belle" character named Lindy said something about how true romance is gone... haha, I wouldn't say that entirely, but sometimes being a romantic thinker, I get swept away into fantasy and a daydream state, dreaming of the kind of romance where its maximum level is a sweet, final kiss with fingers interlaced before the story ends, yet, the two are so in love. I hate how "love" and relationships nowadays are so shallow, manipulated, frivolous, and based on nothing but physical intimacy or "hooking up"... I'm lucky to be in a relationship where it's none of that, however, for the best of our relationship, I need to quit expecting him to be some prince that will constantly dote on me, or some romantic hero that I'm unrealistically expecting a fairytale plot from. Haha, I guess it's something I'm working on... I'm such a romantic thinker I've come to realize, and I think movies like that, fairy-tales and shojo manga -cough- feed that flame and sometimes that flame burns a little brightly and seeps too much into real life...

Oh well, I can only be me. :)

... I can't deny though, I JUST LOVE HAPPY LOVE STORIES SO MUCH. <3 <3 <3