Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Get it right.
Sometimes, I feel exactly like that song.
I just do nothing but make things worse by being over emotional or caring too much. I just wish people could see that sometimes instead of calling me emotional or hot-headed or whatever. I want to feel, breathe, be passionate; I want to show people I care. That doesn't mean I have to be outgoing, or loud, or whatever; I do it in my own way. When I'm close to people, I want to help them; listen to them, give them advice, laugh or cry with them, be their shoulder to lean on. I want the same from them too though, but lately through self-discovery, I'm realizing there's still a lot of past baggage I need to sort through. A lot that I've gone through with relationships/trust with people has sort of scarred me in a sense.
I cling closely to people, I want to feel wanted and want to belong, want to be trusted by them because I've been left behind by so many friends, and even relationships. I've been just dropped cold, smiled at and talked to one day, and totally not talked to the next; they just walked out thinking they could ignore me entirely. My parents for a while gave me the impression you need to just bite the bullet and face it; not to cry or get upset because that's weakness that won't really help. Even though I expressed these concerns to them recently, and they never wanted me to get that impression that I couldn't be weak or cry, I grew up for a long time feeling and believing that. It's basically trying to rework my entire system and way of thinking.
Basically... I want to get it right. I want people to see how much I care but I want to stop messing things up, even little things, on my way there. This is mainly stuff with Ethan I'm talking about currently; in past relationships I was talked to, texted to, and called a lot. They each talked to me regularly, but one of them dumped me suddenly and the other one just... well, disappeared. And I didn't hear from him for a year and a half or so, and when I DID hear from him, it was a Facebook apology message about a paragraph long, and he didn't even reply to that. So now with this relationship, I feel scared or worried if Ethan doesn't reply back or talk to me; I just think he's going to leave, walk out. Though he'd never do that, EVER, it still eats at me. I can't help but desire some sort of consistent communication, even if it's little, in a relationship, or I'll feel like I'm being ignored or abandoned again. That doesn't mean CONSTANT texting, tons of phone calls, or always seeing him; it's not like I'm not trusting him, it's nothing like that. It's my own problems sort of inconveniencing both of us, which is why I'm so frustrated with myself right now.
I've been living in this sort of dream state/fantasy land of what I think the perfect relationship should be like, and those unreachable expectations are blinding me from this... amazing guy I'm with, and I'm still going around thinking he's never good enough or does this or that wrong.. Which is why, I want to finally get it right; just figure things out, and learn to deal, and learn to adapt. I want to grow, learn and change. Become a better me, for him, but most of all, for myself.
(so, the entirety of the video doesn't go with everything I'm talking about, but it still was a really good but emotional Glee video so I chose it ;_;)
Thanks for reading guys. <3