You are stronger,
Sin is broken,
you have saved me.
It is written, Christ is risen
Jesus you are Lord of all."
Which that song is just so.. simple, but so true. So true. I haven't raised my hands and sung with all my heart in a while. God truly used that to move in me today, but I didn't know just how or why yet, 'til tonight...
Not doing well spiritually or struggling with sin on a daily basis is always tough for a Christian; the world sucks us in and spits us out day by day but we keep going back to its instant gratification and shallow joy. However, Christ is STRONGER than all of that sin; sin is BROKEN because of Him, and because of Him, we can become stronger too. We can bear his name and share His love and feel his grace, and become stronger. Strength.
I need more strength.
I come across as a strong, reserved person (sometimes >>) but I'm really not. I'm weak, vulnerable, sometimes even pathetic. But, not all the time pathetic; I feel emotions, I have so much passion and compassion in me, sometimes it just boils over. My care and loyalty and love towards my friends, family, people in general, can be a blessing and a curse. I've been stabbed in the back by friends from middle school that claimed to be my best friends; I've been taken advantage of in relationships and then dumped almost the next day, I've been totally ignored and not even given closure. All of this scars me and traumatizes me; "Well, they both left me... will he leave me? What's wrong with me? Why isn't he talking to me..? That's just how [insert name here] left me..." or fears and worries about losing or breaking a friendship somehow whether that's what's happening or not... I feel I must please people or never be a burden, for that's my fear is what left me alone and deserted or stabbed in the back so many times.
I'm learning that's not all true though, that you can speak your mind however you must and true friends and loved ones will always still love you and be there for you. That fake friends are the ones that just leave you over anything or petty things, while real, true friends stick it out until the end. A true, loving relationship is based on commitment, loyalty and faith-based, and that I should trust as much as I want to feel trusted. I can't let my past hinder me anymore from fully blossoming into myself now.
Mainly, I'm not really grown up yet. I'm still immature, clinging to the past too often and not embracing the future enough. I'm still whimpering about why he hurt me or how he hurt me, or whatever. Sure, everyone has their right to forgive but not forget; to remember from that experience. But that's different than randomly feeling upset about it or over emotional the same thing will happen again. And sure, it's hard to get rid of those subconscious fears; experiences from relationships with others, friends or dating relationships alike, will all leave us with some sort of experience, scarring or not. Those experiences help mold our self-esteem; what gives us strength and inspires us, or what makes us worried and weakens us. We can't just expect to never let any past experience create some sort of worry, even if it's tiny, for the future. It's a defense mechanism in a way.
But, we can't let that bring us to the point of thinking we'll relive those scarring or hurtful experiences. That every relationship I have will end in him disappearing or pushing me too far physically, to then dump me; or that friends will always just randomly decide to talk behind my back, set me up or just stop talking to me. I need to understand that God gave me those experiences to learn from then, not to let them hold me back; He's given me so many loving, amazing people in my life now I could never see myself without... Cheryl, Ethan, Mattie, Jace, Andrew... my parents, my church family, everyone has been brought into my life and has changed me and helped me in ways I should really recognize more. I love you guys. ;_;
I want to be stronger for all of you. I want to be a better friend, and no longer be hindered by these scars of the past. Christ has broken through sin and is STRONGER than all our sin, all my sin... so I know, with His help above all, I can fly.
1 comment:
Awwwww Meghan... ;_; Hugs!! I totally know how you feel, we seriously like go through all the same things at the same time. XD I've been holding on to past stuff too that I never realized I was. I have a fear too, that if I open up to Tiger, as soon as I do, as soon as my heart it fully open, he'll walk out on me, just like other guys did once I really started to open up and have feelings for them. I have a fear of getting hurt, that he'll find out something about me eventually that he just wont like and he'll want to break up with me. Its crazy! >< Idk why I worry so much cause he's not like that, and reasures me how strong his feelings are, yet I worry, when he does'nt call, or reply to my texts. I need to work on being stronger and more patient too. >< my reasurance, and faith should come from God only, and not a b/f or what ever. lol. I'm so soooo sooo thankful God has blessed me with such amazing friends as you, Mattie, and Becky. ^^ and Andrew and Jace and ethan. you guys are so awesome. ^__^ I'll be praying for you Meghan. God will help you with this. He is shaping you into a beautiful Godly woman. ^^ Im so proud of you! Its so easey to lose focus of God, and easey to go back to the past and old fears, but Its so great that you notice these things, and when your feeling you want to grow stronger and closer with God. Thats so great! I Love ya girl! We need to hang out soon and have like a bible study or something! ^^
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