Friday, September 16, 2011

I don't know how to be something you miss.

In one of "those moods"; a combination of hopelessly romantic, lonely, thoughtful and tired I guess.

Taylor Swift is usually the perfect remedy; her lyrics are just so perfect sometimes. I'm listening to "Last Kiss" right now, and it's such an emotional, raw song. She's so genius with displaying her feelings and emotions mainly through lyrics, and words.. her songs are so beautiful in it's their simplicity and vulnerability.

I hate relying solely on electronic communication; it's not reliable at all, AT ALL, and it makes me feel even farther away and distant from the person than not talking to them at all. Ughhh, it just sucks I guess. I've been feeling really lonely a lot lately, and I think it's just being further away from everyone and not getting to see you all as often. I guess you could say it's a mild state of depression I've been feeling. Everything gets to me a lot easier lately; I've cried a lot the past few weeks, I've felt angry and bitter, or sometimes just numb and empty.

I think it's cause I'd been far from God, and have been trying to fill that void with friends and acts and staying busy. But in my quietest solitude, I feel empty and sad and lonely. and it's because I'm not looking to God for contentment and peace, but instead, am wanting to talk to him or have him see me; I want to be surrounded with friends or talk to my parents. You all fill me up and I'm entirely blessed; however, God is the ONLY one that can TRULY fill someone up. I've been making idols of the people I love the most, and even the most beautiful, blessed things can become idols if we have them try to replace God.

I think I'm getting out of that depression finally though; and through it, I think I've grown up a lot. It's still hard, being alone a lot more often, but I need to fill my mind with God's love for me, and that while I'm sitting at my desk working on homework for hours in solitude, while everyone is asleep or with family or friends, God is sitting on my bed and laughing and talking with me. Jesus is chillin' on my ottoman and asking me about my homework and giving me advice on design classes. Seeing my Lord as not only my SAvior, but as constant company, Someone who will ALWAYS be available to talk to and be here, gives me unbelievable peace and contentment. I need to view in that mindset more.

Anywhere, there's that.

The subject of this blog sort of relates to Ethan though... and more in depth on that: I'm just feeling lonely I guess and even when I do fill myself with God and feel peace and contentment there, I still can't help but miss Ethan a lot now that we don't see each other often. He still randomly doesn't respond back to me, or really try hard to talk to me. He explained that there's a time for his work and projects and there's a time for talking to me; that "doing both don't really work well together". I guess it made sense, and I understood where he was coming from, but idk, it just left me feeling sort of empty still afterwards. Like, "Okay well... now what? :/"

It sucks cause I basically feel like I'm always missing him, but he's never missing me. I never do know how to be something he misses. I want to be something he misses. And the only way that can happen is if I allow enough space between us for him to finally look up from his projects, turn over his shoulder, and not see me there, ready and willing to talk to him. He'll talk to me first; he'll want to be with me. If I crowd him all the time, he'll want to push away for space. I'm finally sort of accepting this in a less bitter/angry way, or a less "I'm gonna' play hard to get instead" way. Now it's just simple, and blunt: he needs space. And I'm going to give it to him.

Another thing is, I don't feel like... I don't know. Like something special to him anymore. I feel like he'd be wanting to talk to me more and be with me more, even though he still wants his own space, if I was something exciting and special to him. Ethan is insanely loyal and does truly love me and care about me, I know this; but I just feel like my lack of confidence and my own outlook on life lately is turning me into someone that he doesn't necessarily admire. I want to be an inspiration to him; spiritually, mentally, emotionally. I want him to see me as mature and stable, but inspiring and exciting. Also, I don't even really think he sees me as "beautiful" at all; now, I'm not having a pity party here, this is all coming from a logical and thought out place. But really; he never really tells me he thinks I'm beautiful, just "pretty" or cute. Or I have to ask him for a compliment practically, haha, like "do you like what I'm wearing?" or "I did something different with my hair/make-up/outfit/whatever today" and that's when he'll usually give his two cents. But, there's not just that moment where he sort of sees nothing but me; sometimes I find him sort of gazing off distantly while/after we've hugged or if we're talking or something. Like I never have his full attention.

I feel like I'm rambling; but these are all just thoughts on my mind. Am I selfish for wanting this sort of attention/affection from him? I'm not asking for constant company and attention; just the times we are together, these are the sort of things I wish for. But I think it's all my lack of confidence in myself, and my loss of faith in myself... A close, wise friend told me this, and it's probably totally true. No, I'm sure it is. My lack of faith and confidence is causing me to believe everyone views me like I view myself. I'm indirectly causing Ethan to gaze off in the distance instead of stare right into my eyes, because my wavering faith and assurance in myself is equivalent to hesitance and gazing off instead of being stable and looking right into someone's eyes.

I'll get this all right one day... I'm working on it. I may seem confident a lot, but I'm afraid to say, I'm really not confident at all. Hardly ever. I think it's more sub-concious than anything; it's a combination of self-esteem, and just not believing in myself at all. Which I guess are intermingled. Who knows.

Sorry about all these emo-ish posts guys that are sounding redundant. It helps clear my mind.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Cooling off blog. :D

So I've been rather emo lately in my blog posts I've noticed. D: I'm going to post a positive blog, yay! I'm really not like sad or anything a lot guys, I guess when I get down in the dumps at all I tend to write blogs to let it out... which is sometimes the only time I write blogs, so thus, it seems like I'm always sad.

So! This blog is gonna' be a list to remind me of my blessings and then things I'm really looking forward to.

My blessings...
- My amazing friends; I seriously don't know what I'd do without a lot of you. You lift me up when I'm down, I can be myself completely around you guys. We laugh together, cry together, do everything together. I always look forward to seeing you guys, and even if college keeps us apart more often, we're always still woven together spiritually; so we'll never be apart forever. :')
- My family; I don't get to see them as often as I'd like now that I'm on campus again, but they're always supporting me and encouraging me. Though I get frustrated and complain about them time to time, I know that they're only doing what they do out of love. I'm starting to understand that more, and it's truly a blessing.
- School; yes, this is a blessing! Haha, I'm blessed to be able to go to school, to have my parents support me through school part way too. I'm blessed to be getting an education in my field of choice and go through it at my own pace. I'm blessed to be challenged daily (though it is very stressful) that will only make me better.

Of course there's so much else, but, we'll keep it there for now. :)

Things I'm excited for..!!
- Izumicon! Art tables! Working on cosplay (not in a stressful way this time XD)
- Fall weather
- Fall/winter fashion
- Christmas :D
- Another semester ov'ahh!
- Hip-hop battles
- Hanging out with my homies. <3

I'm just tryin' to look at things more positively now, instead of bitterly or pessimistically. It's actually a lot harder, but I used to be so much more optimistic, and that sort of got cut away at with time and stress I guess. I want to rebuild that outlook again though, because it would honestly make everything a lot easier.

Well, that's pretty much it, pffthaha. XD Take it easy guys!