Sunday, August 26, 2012

Change the attitude.

Hello all!

Sorry about the emo posts lately, bleh. :P Stuff goin' down.

However, I'm trying out a new philosophy: if you can't change your problem, change your attitude about the problem. Thus, turning a negative into a positive.

It's worked pretty well so far.

Cody and Lara are still constantly together, constantly here, and constantly gooshy. This weekend was great, however, I was exhausted from lack of sleep (from the weekend, and from work, and from the past week as well) so Saturday night my body just crashed. However, I was awoken Sunday morning to the annoying chatter and overly obnoxious loudness of Cody. He was clinking plates and glass, singing loudly/rapping loudly, hooting and hollering (LITERALLY) trying to annoy Lara, apparently.

I lie there in bed, my hair disheveled my blankets coiled around me messily. Sun pours through the window. I don't like sleeping late, but I knew I needed to sleep longer instead of getting up now. I didn't want to shuffle out to the living room to ask him to stop; however, I didn't want to let the mindless annoyance go on. So, in my ever so temperamental style, I yanked a pillow out from under me and hurled it towards the door. It hit, and sounded like gunfire. By the time it slid to the ground, it was finally silent and I shut my eyes again.

However, that ensued the scurrying and worrying and over apologizing. I could hear Cody and Lara freaking out, and seconds later, knocking on my door. I ignored them, and fell asleep again.

When I awoke, no one was home, it was silent. A note was slid under my door, with odd scribbles/drawings on it with apologies from Cody and Lara. It seemed like it was an attempt at a serious letter that turned goofy. It was charming, to say the least, but a formal apology was still expected. I ran into Lara on my way out and she rushed to apologize for Cody and explain themselves. And later on in the day, Cody was over and apologized as well.

I guess my main problem is, "Why always apologize when you could just change how you act?!" Is it that whole "ask forgiveness instead of permission" thing? Idk, that philosophy is starting to tick me off, lol. I'm JUST asking for respect. I'm going to get a door sign/signal of some sort to display when I'm sleeping or want peace and quiet so they can see it.

But, my mind is made up -- I'll be living with my parents again in the summer, or, NOT living on campus, whatever comes first. That gives me the full year to use the on-campus conveniences (like the 24 hour design studio), but over the summer when I have no class, I don't really need to be living here. I'll live in the peace and quiet of my home, which is also closer to all of my friends. I like that idea a lot more.

I'm trying to upgrade a lot of things in my life -- I started with a new purse, and new wallet, lol. My other ones were getting shabby and used. Next on the list is upgrading my room -- new sheets/comforter, new bathroom essentials (shower curtain, towels...), etc. I think inviting a positive change like this will keep my mind off the other more annoying side of the living situation.

I've been thinking about conventions/cosplays recently -- a combo of what Cheryl and Mattie have posted in their blogs as well -- and I may sort of slowly pull myself away from the cosplaying scene as well. It really depends how things go in my life from here on out, but I honestly may not even have time/money for it as much anymore. Still attending conventions, but probably just not cosplaying as frequently. It's a fun hobby, but expensive. We'll see how things go though -- you're right, Mattie, I also want to focus on growing up and putting my money towards more useful and practical things.

I'm watching this show called Pushing Daisies, and it's super adorable! It reminds me a lot of Edward Scissorhands, the style of the movie and the quirkiness of it. It's about a guy who has the "talent" of bringing people back to life with a single touch. However, if he touches the same person twice, they die again, forever this time. But, if they stay alive for more than a minute, someone else will die. He goes through life accepting this talent, using it to help aid in murder/crime related research to ask the dead victims within a minute who was their killer, then touch them to die again. However, when one of the victims was a long-time crush and childhood sweetheart of his, he brings her back to life but keeps her alive.

But it's soooo tragic cause they have such adorable, cute feelings between them and they can't act on it at all! No hugging, kissing, holding hands, touching at all. They're probably one of the cutest TV couples I can imagine, so it's so bittersweet, lol. You want them so badly to be together but they can't Gah! I can't wait to see where the show goes from here. It's adorable cause a lot of it draws inspiration from the 50's retro style. I love it! :)

Everything else in life is going the same as always -- both jobs are doing well, school is started up and regular again, and things are moving at a decently even pace. I can't really complain, but only be grateful. I want to try to be more optimistic instead of so negative Nancy all the time.

Love you all so much! <3 p="p">

Thursday, August 23, 2012

How old is your soul?

"When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
Well, there's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

Well, I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up." 

Tears brim her eyes again tonight. She curls up in her desk chair, ribbons of moonlight peeking through the window and falling on her face. Muffled laughter and conversation from outside fills her ears, and the giggling of the lovey-dovey couple permeates even through her locked and closed door. With a sigh, she tucks her legs under her arms and buries her head away, squeezing her eyes shut. Some tears escape, others just smother against her sweatshirt.

Another night today, surrounded by the people of this God-forsaken campus, yet never feeling more alone. Her heart was a town away; with her friends, her family, with him. She yearned for nothing more than summer again; it was a perfect three months of friendship, laughter and memories. But now? Now she just felt like a workhorse stuck at her desk, stuck in her room, living off what she could afford at the grocery store or fast food.

She sunk out of the chair and flopped onto her bed, clenching the blankets with her fist. One day, she knew, all this would be worth it. She'd be out eventually, away from here; living with her friends that actually respect her privacy and wishes. Or maybe she'd even be married, starting her life with him, even if it meant having to put up with a rough, small apartment complex that cost more. She'd be rolling back in her chair in her studio, feeling the warm sunshine of spring pour through the windows that lined the walls, as downtown sped by her. She'd travel, she'd explore, she'd finally live.

The city's train honked loudly, drunken college students hollered in the courtyard down below, and the couple outside her door were watching a movie rather loudly and continuously giggling. Her light was out, and her door closed, they probably just assumed she wasn't even there. Gone for the evening. Gone, but, where would she even go anyway?

Everyone in her life was leaving, or always busy anyway. She felt like everyone was ripping apart from one another, that there wasn't enough time held in a day to keep it going when they were all actually together. She rolled over on her back, and stared up at the dull ceiling. Squeezing her eyes shut, she remembered the summer: the warm days, the refreshing water of the pool, the weekend getaways and random hang-outs. Being enthralled with a hobby, whether stressed or excited; she remembered dancing, laughter, glorious starry evenings. She remembered formal dinners, birthday parties, good times that came easy. She remembered collapsing on her bed after a weekend of unforgettable moments.

All things must change, and she knew that this was something she needed to grasp, and get used to accepting.

Quit staring at me like I'm crazy.

The past couple of days have been... blah. Probably cause school started. I mean, I'm ready for the routine, having something different to do everyday, being busy with other things beyond work, sleep, conventions or whatever else.

However, it's getting used to everything I guess.

This summer on campus was soooo nice, my gosh. It was practically empty, comfortably quiet. However, now it's crawwwwwling with people. Mainly younger kids/freshies/newbies. A lot of them are preppy/jocks, and are only concerned about partying or meeting people and what they look like. It may sound like judging, but.. it's not. I overhear conversations all the time, and it's always about rushing sororities/fraternities, hanging out, etc...

There was one time this past week I pulled into 7-11, and walked in, wearing my Fluttershy My Little Pony shirt. When I got back into my car, a group of college kids were mean-girl glaring me (Mattie, like your look, lol) for serious. They were laughing and talking soon after, probably about how childish I was wearing a pony shirt. My blood boiled and I drove off.

And then just yesterday I had work and I was exhausted, so I just took a quick shower, threw my glasses on, my Link t-shirt, some jeans and comfy shoes. After work I had a couple hours and then class again, so I just stayed wearing the same thing. Again, weird looks and snotty girls snickering and mean-glaring me cause I was wearing a nerdy shirt and didn't look all dolled up. I walked to class with my head hung, tired, annoyed, bitter. A guy I knew came up to me and was like "Oh, I wasn't sure if that was you!" and then he said "You're not all dressed up like you normally are" which I took as "Dang, you look like crap"

Ugh, yesterday just stunk. I'm already overwhelmed with two jobs and school, but now it's like, maintaining my apartment and finances, and apparently, maintaining what I look like. I'm not the size I want to be, my hair never looks how I want it to, I have bags under my eyes. I feel like I'm sort of letting myself go, and I don't want that.

And I know for a fact that it's not all he cares about, and it's not the most important thing, but I feel like I'm even losing Ethan's attraction in me. I'm doing a relationship Bible study that talks about how attraction in relationships IS an important factor, even if you already are in the relationship. I haven't been taking care of myself and trying hard enough, I'm honestly letting myself go. It's then causing me to feel bitter and uncaring with other things, including keeping up my optimism, taking care of myself, working hard, etc.

Overall, I've lost tons of confidence in myself, when I once had a lot. And that's showing.

I'm going to work harder though... to NOT let myself go so easily. To quit being so lazy and unconventional. I'm inviting change into my life step by step, and there may some things that have to change about me for me to feel beautiful and confident again, not just for Ethan or everyone else, but for myself.

Also, kids on campus and the attitude on college campus kinda' sucks; but I'm gonna' keep working hard in school and doing my own thing, cause that is what's important. I'm gonna' blow by all these unfocused, mis-prioritized college kiddos and they won't even know what flew by them. I want to excel this year, be noticed, not just fly under the radar.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

The crashing halt.

I'm going to have to accept it, because I can't honestly wrap my mind around what else it meant.

I was talking to Ethan, things seemed fine. Then, he started talking about feeling sort of small in the universe, trying to figure out how everything works but getting frustrated and wanting to give up. One of those dark times when we doubt things and feel down and depressed. Then, I mentioned how I felt him being distant towards me, and lacking in attentiveness, how that must've been what it was he was portraying then. He figured that was it, too

He mentioned a change in his life, something to break the routine. I felt a knot in my gut, what could that mean? I asked him. He told me he didn't really know. I mentioned him moving out, and he said "Possibly". After some silence, I asked him, "A change.. between us?" I didn't know what I meant, but I said it.

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know... just whatever.. makes you happy." At this point, I meant if us breaking up and him being on his own made him happy, then he should do that. He didn't say anything; looked at me, looked up at the sky, and then just sighed and muttered a "yeah". What does that even mean? I looked at him, perplexed; he wasn't saying anything else, and I felt slightly frustrated. "What?" I asked him, and he said "Nothing"

When I left out a sigh of frustration, he just stated "I just have a few things to think about the next few days"

Earlier in the convo he mentioned he didn't know what to feel excited for anymore. He has been distant towards me, and even though he's been friendly, it's not been like "intimate", or like a boyfriend. And now he's saying he needs to think on things this weekend after I mention a change between us? What else could it be than what I hoped would never happen?

The whole drive home I was bawling, crying, sobbing. It was 2 in the morning and I was ready to be done. I felt so awful, I feel depressed, low, anxious. Bitter. I kept telling God, "Just take these feelings away from me, take them away from him, just take it away" I don't know anything because Ethan never openly and outright tells me. It's always a mystery, always a guessing game with him -- but these red-flags, these signs, all lining up, mean only one thing: he wants us to break up so he can have his space, finally. So he can have that change he wants. He probably wants to date new girls, or be on his own for a while. I don't make him happy anymore. I doubt I ever did.

I don't know what to think, but right now I'm just waiting for it to happen. For the text to meet up, for the call that we need to talk. For him to show up one evening and end things, fair and square, just like that.

Knowing my luck it will be the 13th, our 2 year anniversay. What a way to end something I thought meant much more.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

You can't make your chicken and eat it too.

All this Chick-Fil-A stuff is SERIOUSLY ANNOYING.

But now, I'm honestly annoyed with BOTH sides.

Apparently today was "go to Chick-Fil-A, show your support for them, blah blah blah". I'm a Christian, I believe Christ died to cover all our sins. I believe in traditional marriage like God writes in the Bible. I also like Chick-Fil-A for standing by their beliefs and outwardly stating they ARE, in fact, a Christian organization and not backing down. I also like Chick-Fil-A because honestly, they have amazing food and delicious chicken/waffle fries :<

HOWEVER, I do NOT like this whole "eat chicken today" thing, I think it's ridiculous, honestly.... I feel like it was started by judgmental people who want to try and "show off" their "beliefs and views" in a tangible way by supporting the victimized Christian, fast-food company. However, that whole idea ... itches at my skin. Christ DIED for us, he was God's son, and He ate with sinners. He didn't eat with the "righteous" and He was NEVER "holier than thou". He walked barefoot and wore simple clothes, He was humble and quiet, but wise in His preachings. He loved on all. 

Do you think Jesus honestly would've shown up at Chick-Fil-A to eat there today to "share what He believed in and stood for"? No, he would've been loving on others, if anything, He would've been seeking out those that are lost and feeling judged by these events and speaking with them lovingly. Guiding them gently but passionately to His Father. Similar to at conventions, like what Vic said -- Jesus would be excited, talking to the cosplayers and complimenting them, loving them, befriending them. He would be hanging out with teh sinners, with the lost, because THOSE are the people He needs to be with the most.

NOT the righteous or judgmental religous people who want everyone to follow their religious laws.

I don't think Chick-Fil-A started this, I think it was a band together kind of "word of mouth" thing, but seriously, I felt a little sick to my stomach when I heard about it... I'm all for standing up for what you believe in, and honestly, I'm bothered that Christians/conservatives hardly get to stand up for what they believe in without being called out on it, but liberals get to all the time and get tons of support; but all today felt like was a REACTION to feeling hurt and offended by those protesting against Chick-Fil-A. Sure, I'm positive there were tons of amazing, LOVING Christians that supported today; loving followers of Christ that were doing it to support the company solely, to put their foot in the door of what they believe in, Christians that still love on others and aren't judgmental. HOWEVER, this is mainly a rant about all the judgmental call outs I saw on Facebook today; all the snide comments from "Christians" I've seen. 

Can we as Christians really believe that Jesus would smile down on us for eating at a Christian restaurant in protest? How about going out and loving on people we feel like judging instead; how about loving on the people hating on Chick-Fil-A. How about listening, learning, and witnessing, and maybe we'll spread the light of Jesus and stand up for our beliefs more respectfully.

Sure, it's unfair that our faith is constantly protested against in the ways it has been; it's not easy, it's hard. But Christ never said it was going to be easy. How they're going about the marriage and "equality" protesting is of this world; we can't be of this world if we want to stand up for Christ, and for our beliefs. We have to be humble and sacrificing; lay down our pride, and lift up others. 

TRUST ME, I am not perfect. I am a sinner, I don't deserve God's grace. I've sinned today, yesterday, this week, I will tomorrow. No one is perfect. Please do not take this blog as me hating on anyone or feeling like my views are better. Take it as a different mindset and view-point to how the Christian side of the "equality" argument is reacting.

I honestly don't want to stand on either side right now. I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of a war brewing, and as people are snaring their teeth and bearing their weapons, I'm desperately looking around for my Leader, my Savior. Dust clouds billow up as people charge and I start running blindly in any direction, desperate to get out. I clumsily fall out, just barely missing the brutal combat of war. With torn clothes and bruised limbs, I continue to watch the war. They're fighting and stabbing, biting and slashing, spitting venom and words of hatred. I hang my head, but then feel a hand on my shoulder. I look up and instantly feel almost ashamed to be in His presence.

He helps me up and dusts me off. No words are shared but I feel His love all around me and I'm more content. However, we stand off to the side slightly, watching as the war rages on. Not on either side, not in the middle, but on the outside. 

"I just want to remain standing next to You," I tell Him.

With a gentle nod, His calming voice fills my ears and I feel Him all around me. I close my eyes. "My child, I am with you always. Remember my words of love, and continue to do My work, my good and faithful servant."

And then, He was gone.

"Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven; give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.” He also told them a parable: “Can a blind man lead a blind man? Will they not both fall into a pit? A disciple is not above his teacher, but everyone when he is fully trained will be like his teacher. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?" -- Luke 6:37-42