Thursday, August 9, 2012

The crashing halt.

I'm going to have to accept it, because I can't honestly wrap my mind around what else it meant.

I was talking to Ethan, things seemed fine. Then, he started talking about feeling sort of small in the universe, trying to figure out how everything works but getting frustrated and wanting to give up. One of those dark times when we doubt things and feel down and depressed. Then, I mentioned how I felt him being distant towards me, and lacking in attentiveness, how that must've been what it was he was portraying then. He figured that was it, too

He mentioned a change in his life, something to break the routine. I felt a knot in my gut, what could that mean? I asked him. He told me he didn't really know. I mentioned him moving out, and he said "Possibly". After some silence, I asked him, "A change.. between us?" I didn't know what I meant, but I said it.

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know... just whatever.. makes you happy." At this point, I meant if us breaking up and him being on his own made him happy, then he should do that. He didn't say anything; looked at me, looked up at the sky, and then just sighed and muttered a "yeah". What does that even mean? I looked at him, perplexed; he wasn't saying anything else, and I felt slightly frustrated. "What?" I asked him, and he said "Nothing"

When I left out a sigh of frustration, he just stated "I just have a few things to think about the next few days"

Earlier in the convo he mentioned he didn't know what to feel excited for anymore. He has been distant towards me, and even though he's been friendly, it's not been like "intimate", or like a boyfriend. And now he's saying he needs to think on things this weekend after I mention a change between us? What else could it be than what I hoped would never happen?

The whole drive home I was bawling, crying, sobbing. It was 2 in the morning and I was ready to be done. I felt so awful, I feel depressed, low, anxious. Bitter. I kept telling God, "Just take these feelings away from me, take them away from him, just take it away" I don't know anything because Ethan never openly and outright tells me. It's always a mystery, always a guessing game with him -- but these red-flags, these signs, all lining up, mean only one thing: he wants us to break up so he can have his space, finally. So he can have that change he wants. He probably wants to date new girls, or be on his own for a while. I don't make him happy anymore. I doubt I ever did.

I don't know what to think, but right now I'm just waiting for it to happen. For the text to meet up, for the call that we need to talk. For him to show up one evening and end things, fair and square, just like that.

Knowing my luck it will be the 13th, our 2 year anniversay. What a way to end something I thought meant much more.

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