The past couple of days have been... blah. Probably cause school started. I mean, I'm ready for the routine, having something different to do everyday, being busy with other things beyond work, sleep, conventions or whatever else.
However, it's getting used to everything I guess.
This summer on campus was soooo nice, my gosh. It was practically empty, comfortably quiet. However, now it's crawwwwwling with people. Mainly younger kids/freshies/newbies. A lot of them are preppy/jocks, and are only concerned about partying or meeting people and what they look like. It may sound like judging, but.. it's not. I overhear conversations all the time, and it's always about rushing sororities/fraternities, hanging out, etc...
There was one time this past week I pulled into 7-11, and walked in, wearing my Fluttershy My Little Pony shirt. When I got back into my car, a group of college kids were mean-girl glaring me (Mattie, like your look, lol) for serious. They were laughing and talking soon after, probably about how childish I was wearing a pony shirt. My blood boiled and I drove off.
And then just yesterday I had work and I was exhausted, so I just took a quick shower, threw my glasses on, my Link t-shirt, some jeans and comfy shoes. After work I had a couple hours and then class again, so I just stayed wearing the same thing. Again, weird looks and snotty girls snickering and mean-glaring me cause I was wearing a nerdy shirt and didn't look all dolled up. I walked to class with my head hung, tired, annoyed, bitter. A guy I knew came up to me and was like "Oh, I wasn't sure if that was you!" and then he said "You're not all dressed up like you normally are" which I took as "Dang, you look like crap"
Ugh, yesterday just stunk. I'm already overwhelmed with two jobs and school, but now it's like, maintaining my apartment and finances, and apparently, maintaining what I look like. I'm not the size I want to be, my hair never looks how I want it to, I have bags under my eyes. I feel like I'm sort of letting myself go, and I don't want that.
And I know for a fact that it's not all he cares about, and it's not the most important thing, but I feel like I'm even losing Ethan's attraction in me. I'm doing a relationship Bible study that talks about how attraction in relationships IS an important factor, even if you already are in the relationship. I haven't been taking care of myself and trying hard enough, I'm honestly letting myself go. It's then causing me to feel bitter and uncaring with other things, including keeping up my optimism, taking care of myself, working hard, etc.
Overall, I've lost tons of confidence in myself, when I once had a lot. And that's showing.
I'm going to work harder though... to NOT let myself go so easily. To quit being so lazy and unconventional. I'm inviting change into my life step by step, and there may some things that have to change about me for me to feel beautiful and confident again, not just for Ethan or everyone else, but for myself.
Also, kids on campus and the attitude on college campus kinda' sucks; but I'm gonna' keep working hard in school and doing my own thing, cause that is what's important. I'm gonna' blow by all these unfocused, mis-prioritized college kiddos and they won't even know what flew by them. I want to excel this year, be noticed, not just fly under the radar.