Tuesday, January 26, 2010

I've been thinking about you.

I've been thinking about you.

The sun hit the dusty dashboard and warmed my face as I turned into the college parking lot. Worship music filled the car, and I was singing without a care in the world. Another day at the school, another day where my mind was preoccupied with anything and everything. However, almost instantly, your face and your laugh and your smile snapped into my mind and I felt my stomach knot. Where were you? How were you doing? How come I hadn't thought of you again before now?

I parked the car, un-clicked my seatbelt, went through all the motions of getting my things together, however, my mindset of carefree was slightly blotted with the idea of you. I still went throughout my day as always, but you were in the back of my mind the entire time. And the only "you" that I kept thinking of, was the you I had last seen; the one with the crisp white shirt and shaggy blonde hair, and brilliant smile and attitude. The one talking about his faith and his trials and his struggles, but overcoming them through Christ. The one I opened up to about everything one night, the one that gave me such wisdom and advice. The one that asked for prayer requests, the one that trusted me with his own.

Why do you keep disappearing from my life?

Your enigmatic personality and charming disposition always attracted me, before I even knew you. But finally being able to have you in my life, at first as my boyfriend, then just a good friend, then a brother in a Christ, made me realized I had more reason to be blessed. I had felt almost complete that you had reentered my life after being gone; I felt like I had the chance to build up a friendship that could be potentially amazing and strong.

Now sitting here, I feel incomplete again. You have disappeared again, even though I know what happened to you this time; you spiraled down, you're living with bad influences, and who knows where your walk with Christ has gone in the past few months. Why, even though I try to communicate, I get no communication from you? It's almost like I'm stuck on the other side of a clear wall, and you're slowly walking away, and even though I beat and bang and holler and yell your name, you never seem to listen or turn around. Have you disappeared from my life, or am I being pushed out of yours?

I'm not giving up though. If there's anything you knew about me, it's that I"m stubborn. I'm hard-headed when it comes to relationships and friendships. I'm NOT going to give in so easily.

Obviously you keep coming back and forth into my mind for a reason; I believe God wants me to try to reach you, try to be the good influence still left in your life. Now, if only YOU'LL let me not disappear from your life. If you'll not push me away, but instead turn your head slightly, listen closely and see me calling out for you. See the smudges and distressed cracks on that clear wall between us and realize, I have in fact, been trying.

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