I just wanna' crawl into bed and sleep today away... it was just a rough day.
I woke up late, and was already late for work then get outside and my car battery is dead. I have extreme guilt if I show up late, especially since this is the second time it's happened to make me late for work, so then I feel even worse like, they probably think I'm making up excuses or something. I had to wait forever for the cop and was 30 minutes late. I broke down in the car, ugggh, just cause I feel like such idiot sometimes. I'm so forgetful, I'm clumsy, I'm always distracted. That's what causes stuff like this to happen. I lose things constantly too, ugh, everything. I just get so frustrated and want to give up on myself sometimes. Like seriously. I should get it together.
I was just a mess walking in. Luckily everyone was receptive of that and didn't tease me about being late like they normally would, and my boss was cool with it... that's what's nice about working with guys, they won't try to get in your business, or they'll leave you alone if you're crying. Or feel really bad for you and be sweet and nice for once. I sort of buried myself in Sable's hug and that helped me feel better.
It doesn't help that Sunday's suck at work since we're so busy and get all the cruddy-attitude customers or needy customers that won't leave you alone. And it also doesn't help that Ethan and I left off Saturday night with tension and anxiety and he was ignoring me all day today. Not talking to me, not texting, nothing..
I hate that. I hate feeling ignored, left out, distanced. I can't help it.
Ever since what happened in high school with Casey and Taelor and others, and then with JP, it makes me feel like everyone is going to abandon me if they ignore me or stop talking to me for a while or just suddenly. Just walk out, stop talking to me one day, drop me like a doll they're no longer interested in, then kick me around a little bit. It's an irrational fear I'm sure, but it seems to be in me and I can't get over it too easily.
I would write more but it's probably just over emotional, tired thinking so I'm going to end it here.