Saturday, October 22, 2011

Screwed over and bitter

I wish in high school and middle school they would've taught us that life is not fair. That instead of telling us "just do your best!" and that our "effort" is what counts, they'd tell us the real world expects excellent performance and execution or you're just not going to cut it. That instead of making us do pointless busy work assignments, they'd be telling us how it's going to go down in a REAL job. Instead of filling our minds that going to social events and being social in clubs is good for you, tell us that we'll be losing and sacrificing our social lives to be successful in school for our future. They need to start TRAINING those younger students for college, not just "preparing" them for it. It's ridiculous. The real world sucks, reality sucks, and college is one step closer to kicking you out the door into it, and is not the "best years of your life".

Sure, when you look back on everything, you'll only WANT to remember the good times in college. And I have had those; being on my own, Lara being my roommate, getting to go to conventions and have freedom. Among other things. But unless you just party your way through school, you'll never think college are just the "best years" ever. That's a total lie. If anything, they're the hardest freaking years of your life. I'm tired of seeing all those kids on campus that just have so much freaking free time to sit around and be drunk or play volleyball all day. That stay up all night blaring their music and having parties instead of going to sleep for class the next day. I'm SO TIRED of feeling like no matter how hard I'm trying and how much I'm working I'm barely scraping by because I may not be good enough. Freaking high school deluded me that just putting forth effort counts.

I've been turning into a sarcastic, bitter, angry person lately and I'm hating myself. I'm cursing a lot more, I'm totally not right spiritually, and I'm just apathetic to everything. I got screwed over at work and got scheduled to work the evening of Cheryl's Halloween party, though I had specifically stated that I wanted that night off, OVER A MONTH AGO. If I can't get someone to switch me or cover me, I just can't go... If I call in without a legitimate excuse, I'd totally lose my job. I'm already asking off for Izumicon and pretty much needed last weekend off for that hip-hop showcase. I'm just so... pissed and beyond hurt right now. I told my boss I could work that Saturday morning, just not the evening; but he schedules someone else instead. I FEEL LIKE SCREAMING. It's beyond just not wanting to work. It's the fact that the one social thing I've been looking forward to for a month, there's a chance I can't go because I was either ignored at work or just got royally screwed over somehow. I mean, how does that happen? Really?

I'm probably reacting how I am just because I feel so on edge about everything (related to stress, being tired, and not spiritually right at all..). I've been awful at coping lately and instead am just always angry or bitter. I've never felt so disconnected from everyone, or isolated or lonely before, but this semester has been all that and more. How can one be so busy but feel so lonely?

I'm just bitter, sad and angry. Sure this post is depressing, but I really don't care right now I needed to vent it out.

No comments: