Thursday, June 16, 2011

For the sea will swallow up the mountains.

How long will it take to get over this? How could someone I care about so much, and someone I thought cared so much about me, do that to me? It's hard to sit here and fathom forgiveness and understanding when I felt so hurt and practically betrayed. And the fact it had happened similarly once before this and it still happened again, drives the knife in deeper.

Distracted by the convention, I never realized how much it hurt me. I made myself cheer up and be fine so I wouldn't bring down anyone else, so I would enjoy the convention. And it worked. But in the silence, in the stillness, in thoughts of him, of that moment.. it all comes back. It's that image that I can't get out of my mind. It's that moment of completely lack of thought for my feelings and how much his decisions could hurt me. Every girl that would come up to him and giddily hug him always hurt bit by bit; I'd laugh it off, joke it off. But now this? This? How do I know he won't let this happen again? He promised before nothing like that would happen, and it still did.

It pains me to think that a part of me honestly can't trust him. His lack of attention to my feelings; his pride and ego with girls fawning over him. For all I know, his humble and sweet smiles could all be an act. That moment shattered my self esteem; that moment shattered half of what I knew of him. What if it happens again? That mindset he had in that moment is the mindset that jump-starts affairs and cheating and lies and deception. The thought of "Oh, it won't hurt her that much" or "maybe she won't see", or the absence of thought at all, is what drives people away from one another.

All these thoughts in a split second: "Am I no longer special to him now that he's willing to give that away so easily?" or "He must think she's worthy and pretty enough to let her kiss him on the cheek..." or "Why is he doing that?! Does he not see me?!" Or "maybe I'm nothing to him anymore... some item, some placement while he's waiting for something better."

And I know; none of those things may even be true. I know he's a wonderful guy. But I honestly at this point doubt if he cares for me as much as I care for him... it's almost like it has to be proven to me. Like we have to start over, point one again, and everything, or anything, or even nothing, could happen. He completely broke my heart, honestly for the first time, and it's going to take a while to really repair and feel right again...

I guess I need to vent it out through writing, when I can truly organize my thoughts. Thanks for reading.

1 comment:

Cheryl said...

Awwww sweetie.... I didn't realize how much he really hurt you... :( Im so sorry... Ive been praying for you two. I cant help but still be mad a bit at Ethan... any guy who hurts my best friend.... that is just NOT ok. ugh... :( I really am sorry sweetie. Have you confronted him about it again. Maybe it will help to talk about it some more, and really let him know how much it hurt you... and seriously... if he dosen't get his act together or some thing like this happens at TnT... I hate to say it, but maybe you should take a break from him... you deserve the best sweetie. And I mean that... Ethan is a great guy and all... but he better step it up, or im not gonna think he's good enough for you. >< sorry, im just way protective of you. ;_; and it makes me sad to see how much this really hurt you. :( *hugs* Love you.