Thursday, March 4, 2010

Peter Pan complex and prayer request.

I guess you can call it a Peter Pan complex, not wanting to grow up... Maybe that's why I love that tale so much? They get to fly in the sky and never grow up and get to be among pixies and pirates and adventure. Their lives are always changing and interesting, yet, they never grow older, they get to stay themselves, happy and cheerful.

I know I am growing up though. Everyone is.

However, I just feel my life changing drastically, practically. We're moving into a new house March 12th, which seems to be the symbolic change that I'm going through. The wide-eyed change of going into college has already passed, but what else is next? Getting a job, preparing portfolios, interviews, moving out on my own eventually... It's all a head rush.

I think this all hit me when I realized the other day I'd have to be taking a college design class during the summer. This means that I wouldn't be going to my church summer camp, Falls Creek, I've been going to for the past 3 years; one I always look forward to, as well. I feel like this is a compromise that will help me in the long run, considering it will balance out my work load for the fall and spring semester, and keep me going on a consistent design path rather than not having any classes during the summer and getting behind. It seems weird having to compromise church for my future, yet, I'm sure this is all God's plan anyhow -- I sure hope it is. I want to follow Him, not this world.. it's really hard. Maybe I'm being too harsh on myself knowing I'll have to miss this amazing church camp because of design. I've had to miss church throughout the past two semesters because of design and working and projects, but this feels huge to me for some reason. I can't really get it off my mind... I know that's only a one week long church camp. But that church camp in the past has helped me come to know Christ, has strengthened my Christian walk, and has really opened my eyes to that God DOES work -- in a single week of the year, I feel like I learn so much to get me fueled and going through the rest of the year. what would happen if I didn't have that? Maybe it's a test of my strength to work with change and work with a routine being broken to strengthen my faith without depending on Falls Creek.

I feel like I'm not living my life enough as it is. I feel like I'm always coming home from my routine days and either doing homework, taking naps, or browsing on the computer. I'm spending a lot of time lately with design, but it's getting to the point of it being fun now instead of taxing and boring. I'm learning new things, working with other people, expanding my abilities of communication and thought process. I really like it, design, and hate it at the same time (haha!). However, there's still so much I want to do -- I want to learn how to sew, I want to learn the guitar, the piano, I want to buy a full-on Lolita outfit to call my own, I want to save a lot of money, get a great summer job, lose weight, tone down, take more dance classes, I want to draw more, read more, write more, publish a book, attend more anime conventions, book fairs, see the world, go on vacations with my parents, see my friends more than I do... SO many things...

I feel restless to learn more and develop my life and find out who I am. Yet, I feel very anxious to make all these decisions and plans regarding a future I'm not sure is even in God's will for me, you know? How will I be sure? Is design for me? Should I be where I'm at, or should I be way further along by now? Is that why I'm feeling restless all the time?

I feel like I'm growing up too fast, when I just want to sit around and be little ol' eighteen year old Meghan for just a while longer. I'm ready to embrace change and discover who I am, what I'm meant to do, where I'm meant to go, but at the same time, I want to be like Peter Pan and never grow old, and just continue flying with pixie dust in the diamond sky..

Oh, and the prayer request...
I've been sorta' worried about myself lately. I don't ... react to things well, no matter what the situation. I dread on things, worry SO so much, and constantly think about things that I really have no control over. I've been noticing when this happens, I literally make myself sick -- I feel nauseated and weak, like I'm about to throw up any second. I've had a loss of appetite lately, and have been eating very sporadically -- only in the mid-morning, to later at night. Hardly in between.

I'm wondering if I suffer slight panic attacks/anxiety. Panic attacks being the sudden feeling of nausea and sickness related to stress, over-thinking or worrying. Anxiety being long-term ways of handling situations, or looking into the future, that sort of thing. I don't think it's bad enough for medication, I honestly think I've had both symptoms for the longest time, I've just recently unearthed them because of design throwing a lot of stress on me... but, just be praying for me that I'll find a peace and rest instead of anxiety, and preparation and eyes on God instead of panic.

Thank you everyone. :)


Johanna said...

Cool! Anxiety and Panic attacks, my expertise! (LOL no its not really cool ;_; )
As you know, I have an Anxiety/Panic DISORDER. Eek! Actually, it runs in my family.
Some people suddenly get attacks with a high heartrate, some feel restless, some feel like they'll pass out, some think they're gonna die.
I throw up. I don't keep food in very well.

The trigger to it IS your worry. It's understandable with the changes you've been going through, but I think the bigger thing you should be reminding yourself is "EVERYTHING WILL BE THE WAY THEY ARE MEANT TO BE". I am SURE design is for you because God gave you that talent. But even if you worry that you're not on the path he made for you, do you think you're not under his wing? You are ALWAYS his, and what he has planned for you WILL plan out. It doesn't matter what happens. As long as you look to him and move forward in what you are doing, your niche will become clear. I'm certain of that.
When you start getting nauseous with anxiety, you can get used to throwing up and deal with it, or completely divert your mind. It's hard when you're constantly worrying about things that may not even matter, but lay back, listen to smooth jazz while in a bath. That saved my life. Truly, I mean it.
Another thing you need to remember: do not worry about your appetite. It is PROGRAMMED into your body to need nutrition, and your body will know and tell you when it's ready for it. Worrying about not eating makes it worse, because it's true when people say that 98% of the world you live in is in your MIND. Your mind makes your world. Absolutely. So remember that your body will do whats natural. Don't worry about your food intake and you'll be able to eat when it's necessary. :] It's okay.
Shut your eyes, imagine hugging Jesus, and know that beside you in your room, his angels are around you. Always.

Meghan said...

Aah I almost cried reading this, thank you so much Yoyo ;o; <3 <3 *hugesqueezehug*

I think the panic attacks are very mild, I don't throw up ever but I just feel like I'm about to. The appetite and lack of eating may be from working so much on school work (group work we'll work 5-6 hours straight and I'll forget to eat, that sort of thing), so that's easily controllable...

But yeah, I'm learning to cope with the worry and just divert my mind altogether. I don't want something like that holding me back you know? My senseless worrying doesn't get me any farther in life, especially worrying about design and this and that -- I just have to trust God about it, and his sovereignty.

And a while back, like a year or so ago, I did have a dream where I hugged Jesus. I vividly remember it to this day -- best. hug. ever -- so that's easy for me to imagine. <3

Thanks so much for taking time to tell me all this and help me, you're so sweet! <3