Thursday, March 4, 2010
Peter Pan complex and prayer request.
I guess you can call it a Peter Pan complex, not wanting to grow up... Maybe that's why I love that tale so much? They get to fly in the sky and never grow up and get to be among pixies and pirates and adventure. Their lives are always changing and interesting, yet, they never grow older, they get to stay themselves, happy and cheerful.
I know I am growing up though. Everyone is.
However, I just feel my life changing drastically, practically. We're moving into a new house March 12th, which seems to be the symbolic change that I'm going through. The wide-eyed change of going into college has already passed, but what else is next? Getting a job, preparing portfolios, interviews, moving out on my own eventually... It's all a head rush.
I think this all hit me when I realized the other day I'd have to be taking a college design class during the summer. This means that I wouldn't be going to my church summer camp, Falls Creek, I've been going to for the past 3 years; one I always look forward to, as well. I feel like this is a compromise that will help me in the long run, considering it will balance out my work load for the fall and spring semester, and keep me going on a consistent design path rather than not having any classes during the summer and getting behind. It seems weird having to compromise church for my future, yet, I'm sure this is all God's plan anyhow -- I sure hope it is. I want to follow Him, not this world.. it's really hard. Maybe I'm being too harsh on myself knowing I'll have to miss this amazing church camp because of design. I've had to miss church throughout the past two semesters because of design and working and projects, but this feels huge to me for some reason. I can't really get it off my mind... I know that's only a one week long church camp. But that church camp in the past has helped me come to know Christ, has strengthened my Christian walk, and has really opened my eyes to that God DOES work -- in a single week of the year, I feel like I learn so much to get me fueled and going through the rest of the year. what would happen if I didn't have that? Maybe it's a test of my strength to work with change and work with a routine being broken to strengthen my faith without depending on Falls Creek.
I feel like I'm not living my life enough as it is. I feel like I'm always coming home from my routine days and either doing homework, taking naps, or browsing on the computer. I'm spending a lot of time lately with design, but it's getting to the point of it being fun now instead of taxing and boring. I'm learning new things, working with other people, expanding my abilities of communication and thought process. I really like it, design, and hate it at the same time (haha!). However, there's still so much I want to do -- I want to learn how to sew, I want to learn the guitar, the piano, I want to buy a full-on Lolita outfit to call my own, I want to save a lot of money, get a great summer job, lose weight, tone down, take more dance classes, I want to draw more, read more, write more, publish a book, attend more anime conventions, book fairs, see the world, go on vacations with my parents, see my friends more than I do... SO many things...
I feel restless to learn more and develop my life and find out who I am. Yet, I feel very anxious to make all these decisions and plans regarding a future I'm not sure is even in God's will for me, you know? How will I be sure? Is design for me? Should I be where I'm at, or should I be way further along by now? Is that why I'm feeling restless all the time?
I feel like I'm growing up too fast, when I just want to sit around and be little ol' eighteen year old Meghan for just a while longer. I'm ready to embrace change and discover who I am, what I'm meant to do, where I'm meant to go, but at the same time, I want to be like Peter Pan and never grow old, and just continue flying with pixie dust in the diamond sky..
Oh, and the prayer request...
I've been sorta' worried about myself lately. I don't ... react to things well, no matter what the situation. I dread on things, worry SO so much, and constantly think about things that I really have no control over. I've been noticing when this happens, I literally make myself sick -- I feel nauseated and weak, like I'm about to throw up any second. I've had a loss of appetite lately, and have been eating very sporadically -- only in the mid-morning, to later at night. Hardly in between.
I'm wondering if I suffer slight panic attacks/anxiety. Panic attacks being the sudden feeling of nausea and sickness related to stress, over-thinking or worrying. Anxiety being long-term ways of handling situations, or looking into the future, that sort of thing. I don't think it's bad enough for medication, I honestly think I've had both symptoms for the longest time, I've just recently unearthed them because of design throwing a lot of stress on me... but, just be praying for me that I'll find a peace and rest instead of anxiety, and preparation and eyes on God instead of panic.
Thank you everyone. :)