Saturday, December 10, 2011

The past couple of days have been so rough. Probably the worst of the semester. I don't think I've ever cried that hard ever, or at least haven't in a while. My eyes feel swollen and my chest hurts and my whole body and spirit is so tired and just wants to give up. Being lost in the unknown and the confusion is almost worse than just a final resolution of ending. I feel like I'm wandering around on eggshells; if I act a certain way, or if one little thing goes wrong, it's all for not.. everything is shattered, and I've lost everything.

I literally felt punched in the gut. Why does this always end up happening to me? Your words are ringing in my head, unwanted but completely uncontrolled. I miss your warmth, I miss the days where we were so happy together. Where I saw that love in your eyes. The confusion you face with your feelings toward me is agonizing. Painful. Unbelievably painful. I thought you were the one; I saw us together, we've talked about us together time and time again... what happened? What did I do? What did I not do?

My feelings have not faded at all. If yours diminish and go away and you move on... I'll be entirely devastated. I honestly can't see myself with anyone else. Am I not meant for anyone, then? You were all I wanted all along. Just you, as you are.

I'm numb, I'm heartbroken, I'm terrified of what's to come. I'm terrified I'm too late, that you're long gone to me. That you wanted to be gone long ago. I honestly do not know what to do anymore but lean on God and just rest my spirit and heart in Him. Whatever happens, I know He will strengthen me up again. And if I'm not meant for anyone, God will slowly reshape my heart and mind and send me on my new path. It's so, so hard to say that though without tear-stinging eyes or a clenched jaw. This is not what I want; but if it's what God wants, that is all that I can do.

Like sunlight, won’t you come and lay a ray down? You’re the one.
I could run, I could run for the life of me.
But where would that get me? Where would that lead?
And I’m a fool for waiting so long

1 comment:

Mattie Elizabeth said...

I don't know what's going on or anything and I don't know if this'll help, but I love you and I care about you truly and deeply. Your my amazing and wonderful sister through God. And you're always on my mind, haha as cheesey as that sounds, and in my prayers.

I don't think that there is "one" designated person on this earth for another. I believe God designed many people that we can be compatible with.

You seem hurt lately and I wish to help in some way. I hate to see you sad or anyone else. Can't wait to see you Monday! I love you!