Untitled.

Poetry has been at my fingers and on my mind lately. 

It helps channel all I think about. 

Putting it on paper is like releasing, and staking, the thoughts in my conscious.

** We're moving about this time next year, or we'll already be moved by then. It's not the type of move where I'm uprooting from everything, and everything is changing, but it seems to be all my parents ever think or talk about. We're boxing stuff up and putting it in storage, constantly, and for some reason, that bothers me. I like the dusty books on my shelves; I like my posters tacking the walls; I like my photoalbums stacked up on the ground. My parents don't get it. They want to throw everything into a box and seal it away so everything looks so crisp and clean when the house-people come looking.

Plus, a friend mentioned how I should enjoy because these holidays are probably the last in this house ... that really put me in a glum mood for some reason, thinking about it. I've had a lot of great memories in this house ... I've lived here since I was born, how could I not? All my firsts are here ... I mean, change is good ... and even though it's not uprooting change, still, I feel gloomy about it all. I shouldn't complain since I'm still in a comfortable distance from all my friends, and from school and church. I don't know why I'm so bothered. : /

I think it's also a constant foreshadowing that I will eventually have to live on my own, and that scares me. I've never really had a steady job, let alone means to live on my own. I want independence from my parents always having to help me with money or other things, but I'm scared of living on my own. What if I can't make it? Sure, I love graphic design ... but that won't provide nearly as steady of money as what I could be making ... doing something I hate? I can't compromise that. But survival is important too, right? 

I've always told myself to follow my heart, and in this aspect, I will - I'm just scared I won't be able to support myself, and will let my parents down. I don't know. I just don't know.

Also, I can't get over this complex I have with myself that everything I do is wrong, or, I can't ever seem to fix things and make things right, move them on, make progress. I feel like I always sit stagnate because I'm so scared to change, of confrontation. I MUST get over whatever beef I have with myself lately if I want to be a whole-hearted person towards someone, be there for someone, and to just feel peace again. I need to give it to God, but it's so, so hard sometimes ... 

Everything is changing,

Nothing is static.

Nothing stays good for

long.

All I feel, all I do,

everywhere I turn feels 

wrong.

Slipping, fading, thrashing, 

throwing me on my 

knees.

I see You, dimly, Lord, but always 

do I feel swallowed by these 

raging seas.

= = = = =

** My brother recently hit rock bottom again. He's so strong, but I can't help but worry if he's ever going to have consistency in his life. Once things start going well for him, he loses it all, or something terrible happens. I don't see it being fair to him, but he did call a lot of it on himself ... all of this has turned him into such a negative person to be around, and he used to be an alcoholic. He's not anymore, but for some reason, I fear he may slip back to that "comforting" substance if things don't get better soon. If he doesn't find somewhere to live ..

I just miss my brother. 

Sometimes, when he's around, I feel him to be a stranger rather than family ...

All I ask for is care,

the kind a brother should give a sister.

All I ask is for that one day,

where we played video games 'til

3 in the morning,

you letting me win every other time.

All I ask for is that Christmas tradition

we do every year, for you to not miss it 

because you're drunk or too lazy

to care.

All I ask for is that your presence

doesn't scare me or break me to pieces,

every time

remembering days where the air was 

clouded with your yelling and swearing, 

cigarette breath,

and alcoholic aura.

All I ask for is you again.

Like that one time when we walked in the cool

autumn fog in our neighborhood,

where our breath showed and we laughed

and talked about ideas,

dreams.

All I ask for is you again.

Where you tracked him down, 

nearly beat that guy up

just because he teased me to the point I cried; 

how you swore you'd do that to any boy

who broke my heart.

All I ask for is your heart, your laugh

your smile, your stories, your wisdom

your bear hugs. 

All I ask for is you again.

That ghost of a brother that, now, only wanders in, 

to wander back out.

= = = = = 

** I recently, just today actually, heard news that one of my good friends recently slipped back into doing drugs and smoking. He had many ups and downs in his life, and recently, he seemed to rise back up and find his faith and stable ground in Christ again. He talked to me so much about how well his life was going because of his faith, how strong he felt as a witness at his school, all this stuff ... I could see it too, when I saw him a couple months ago. He stood a little taller, he smiled genuinely, he didn't swear or be perverted. He was genuine.

He and I would always talk about our spiritual walks, and we'd give each other advice and just keep up with one another. However, the past month or so I had realized he ahd stopped keeping up with me and I hadn't really talked to him myself either, so when I texted him, I realized he seemed sort of ... short with me. Like he didn't care to talk. Or was hiding something. It seemed like I was holding the conversation up all on my shoulders, and if I didn't pull through, it collapsed I didn't hear back from him. I knew then that something felt wrong.

Just today, I found out that news about him, and how he was ashamed and didn't think "I or my friend would like him anymore cause he does that stuff again". What hurt was that he acknowledged that he "does that stuff" and that "we may not like it" but he's STILL not stopping. He's such a smart guy, but at times, he's not at all ... I'm not supposed to know all this, so I'm going to pray hard for him and play naive, still talking to him casually like I know nothing to see if I can be an influence on him. It's hard to see someone I looked up to so much, because of their faith, fall so hard and so long back to Earthly sin and temptation again....

I know that even the most spiritual of people

can have their wings torn,

broken from under them,

and they fall.

Please, I pray, when you hit ground,

you open your eyes to

realize that flying with Him

is so much more beautiful,

than the smoke and mirrors

of drugs.