Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Right here waiting.

Is it selfish to wish that things weren't happening like this?

I understand you want your space, and I'm quietly stepping back to give that to you. You're not intending anything by it at all, you just have other things going on you need to do. However, it's like you don't even notice me. Something feels different, off somehow. You're less conversational, and it's like you're more relieved of the time we're spending apart rather than looking forward to time we can spend together. I'm sure I'm feeling like this only because it's hard to hear that you would want space from me, when you should want to spend time with me, because I want to spend time with you. And yes, I am aware that you saying that you don't want to spend time with me today, or tomorrow, or this week, doesn't necessarily mean that you don't want to ever again.

I'm turning my head down and trying to not be my typical open-book self in displaying my true emotions, and I think I'm getting better at it, for you're not really noticing. I feel like I'm always having to swallow down these thick feelings to keep them from resurfacing, to keep the light in your eyes, to keep you from worrying about me or feeling guilty or bad. I never doubt your feelings for me still, your care for me, your genuine concern. I know that's all there, alive and active. However, I can't help but feel distant from you because of all this, because of the distance you're asking for.

I suppose I wish to be missed by you, is all; for I feel like ever since we started seeing each other less, I miss you more and you miss me little. I'm always the one reaching for your hand when we're together, however, you rarely reach for mine.

Just bare with me, for this isn't easy. I've told you all this before, but I feel I never want to speak of it again unless it becomes unbearable. I'm sure it'll become easier, yes. I'm sure I'll mature through this all, become less dependent. Maybe that's God's reasoning for all of this. However, I can't help but desire to see you act upon those feelings you always talk to me about that you have for me. I can't help but desire to feel missed by you or see you excited to see me.

Is that selfishness speaking? Or just genuine human want?

I'm right here waiting, so, please don't take long.

1 comment:

Cheryl said...

Hey sweetie, I'm sorry all this is happening... *hugs* I'll be praying for you and Ethan. Love you!! Stay strong, God will will work everything out. He always has your best interest in mind. ^_^