Sunday, April 24, 2011

Shattering that mirror.

I'm finding myself often negative towards others, and even myself. You wouldn't think so; I'm not a gossipy looking girl who always sneers and rolls her eyes. However, I judge people often, inflating my pride; or, I compare myself to them, degrading my self-esteem. Even though it's flawed and hypocritical, we've all been there.

Especially us girls. It's hard to go about this sinful world that's forcing "beauty" and "acceptance" down our throats. We apparently have to be 5'9, 135 lbs, slender and exotic to be considered beautiful. Our skin has to be airbrush smooth, our eyes have to be intoxicatingly stunning, our confidence through the roof. We must wear skin tight clothes, the latest fashions, and strut around or guys will never notice us or take heed to our existence. Apparently.

This psychological torment can go one of two ways.

First, is when we do have confidence. When we do have that slightest bit of confidence in ourselves, gleaming on the horizon, a peace in our heart that's God given about our beauty He's deemed us... I find myself, personally, abusing that confidence. Looking down on others, holding myself in higher regard, etc. Cosplay recently has really done this to me. I think "Oh, I'll be way better than her" or "she's not very good at (such and such) cosplay at all for (this and that) reason". However, ironically, if I were to hear anyone mutter words like that about me, I'd be crushed. Devastated. I'd call them rude and feel hurt. Yeah.


Second, is when we don't have confidence. We feel empty. Ugly. Unwanted. Fat. Sluggish. Lethargic. Blah. All we want to do is just get through the day and try to not look in the mirror. Nothing is going right; our hair won't go right, nothing is fitting, you feel fat from the meal you had last night... you're not happy with yourself at all. I'm usually here on a regular basis as well. Finding myself, even when people tell me otherwise, ugly. Sometimes it's also driven from how my personality and spirituality has been lately; good? Bad? Indifferent? That reflects in my eyes, which reflects my image back to me -- and it's never a good sight. When I'm like this, in this stage of low confidence, I feel bitter and hopeless, sarcastic and distant. I don't care to look nice or even want to go out where looking nice would be expected. I just want to stay home, and stare at my computer, drowning myself in music and Facebook. Sounds great right?

Not really...

Right now, we're all at this crossroads of branching out from who we once were in highschool/early college, to who we'll be for the future. For the rest of our lives. That doesn't mean we have to grow up entirely, heck, I'm still a kid. I'll always be young at heart. But certain mindsets, we drastically need to change. We need to be more encouraging and less discouraging. We need to realize both sides of the spectrum; would we say the things we would if those people were around us, listening quietly? Why are we so harsh on our self-esteem and our self-image, but praise the beauty of others so easily? Why do we compare ourselves to others, either in a prideful or degrading way? What will all these actions and attitudes bring us? Is it helping us or hindering us?

I've felt sinful and guilty about my attitude lately and I'm going to try harder to look at things through God's eyes. When I see people as God would see them, it changes things; drastically. I no longer see just the "physical", but instead, the spirit and soul of the person. Their heart and mind. I try to push past those stereotypes and judgmental notions and really see them as they are. A person that I should love as much as God loves them.

However, that ALSO goes towards our attitude about ourselves. This is definitely the hardest. Just as we strive so hard to not judge others, and see others as beautiful and as God's children, we must see ourselves as that too. We must close our eyes, or look in the mirror, and truly see who we are as God sees us. He didn't make us how he are as a "mistake" -- God doesn't MAKE mistakes. There are no mistakes in His creation. We see ourselves as a mistake because that's what the world tells us. That's what we tell ourselves. It's an endless cycle and battle that the Devil seems to constantly win. However, we need to push past that -- we need to reach into the mirror, with all our strength, and clutch our reflection's hand tight. We need to draw it into a tight embrace, and shatter the glass that reflects all those once hateful feelings. We need to embrace God's creation that is ourselves, and loving it as much as He loves us, and as much as we desire to love others.

I know this is all a hard mindset to gather and breathe in. It's 2:30 AM, and I have church in the morning, but it was itching at my fingertips and knocking on my heart all weak to just spill this out at some point and God chose this quiet moment at night to do so. Don't read this as me talking to you. Read this as God crying out for your attention.

I hope He speaks through me, for I can only do so much.

But He can do all.

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