Saturday, May 7, 2011


Even if I don't seem like it, I've been really upset/depressed with myself lately.. Only with myself really though, don't get me wrong. Everything else around me in life is great, and beautiful, and I'm very grateful for all I have, all my friends, family, experiences, etc...

However, I guess not all things at once could be just perfect or else you wouldn't really need to learn anything or push yourself harder, right? You would be ignorant and blind to the fact that there are hardships in life, whether brought upon by yourself or not.

So, right now what that is with me is my self-appearance/self-image. Not in JUST appearance though, but also in school/life in general I guess? It's hard to explain, but yeah.

First off, the self-appearance/image thing. I weighed myself today and I've gained a lot of weight these past couple of months... :/ *sigh* I'm heavier now than I've ever been, and that just really, really brought me down... There was a point in the semester where I went to the gym at school at LEAST 3 times a week, for about 2 hours at a time or so. Over spring break I worked out every day, and ate healthy. But, I guess because of the excess of school stress and overworking myself with nearly everything at once, I've also neglected myself it seems. I've been eating poorly, too much or too little, hardly exercising if ever, and have been depriving myself of sleep to work on projects or I'm just restless. Some days I'll eat a lot, and some days I'll be so busy, I can hardly eat, but when I do, I OVER eat..

I get lazy when I do have free time, so I usually eat or sleep or just ... sit there, sedentary. School life felt so busy and hectic, I rationalized saying "I should let myself eat out or eat something I like to make myself feel better", so, I would. I'd eat really late at night after working on a project, usually always fast food when I wasn't really hungry. I was trying to fill up and cover the void of disappointment in myself from KNOWING I let myself go. It's ironic how that cycle works; you know you're disappointed in yourself with your weight goals or health regime, so then you eat or stay resistant to fill that void but only end up furthering the disappointment.

Not only is it image, it's also just.. I dunno'. Student image? Does that count? I just found out I did pretty poorly on something I was pretty confident in (the Psychology paper, Cheryl) and that just struck my self-esteem down a notch or two. Like, really? Design constantly makes me competitive and hungry to do my best, so I even don't like getting B's, or not getting my work honored/chosen for this accreditation program going on in the fall semester.

All in all, it's like a heavy weight of disappointment. I feel like I've been really putting myself last on my list of "things to do and take care of". Or, if you look at it this way, I've been serving myself first instead of serving what God intends for me to be, which is my best health. My body is a temple, I shouldn't slowly destroy it like I am...

How I'm going to help myself:
- When I eat out: choose healthier choices.
- Drink more water, less soda. I need to eventually knock soda out entirely...
- Exercise EVERYDAY, at least once. At most, three times. I'll have more time now, there should be no excuse.
- Weigh in consistently to make sure I'm keeping track of myself instead of letting it go for so long.
- Get to sleep. No more late nights.
- Stay off the computer more: it creates a sedentary lifestyle for me I do not want to pursue. :/
- Remain just more active in general.

How YOU can help me:
- Accountability. I seriously need this if I'm going to achieve my goal to get back on the right track, if not better. I need you all to be harsh with me if you need to, make me feel guilty if I choose something I shouldn't for all I care. Or, just remind me of my goal, what I should be doing... Check in on me. I may hate it at the moment, but it'll teach me. It'll help me learn. \
- Encouragement helps. I feel weird asking for this, but, encouragement and kind words really helps motivate me more. Not saying you guys don't, but, yeah. Keep it up then, I guess? haha.
- Honesty. PLEASE. Be honest with me. This goes around accountability too, I guess.
- Prayers. So I can get over this harsh view on myself. I can't see myself as fat or ugly or whatever, even if I feel like it, if I tell myself that/see myself like that, I'll never get better.

It's getting to the point of me doubting whether I should even attempt Fire nation Katara this summer... Which really depresses me, since that cosplay is almost done, and I've been so excited for it for so long.

Thanks for reading guys.


Mattie Elizabeth said...

That happened to me, I thought I did really good on my last test but it came back a 75, I was hoping for a B.

I'd say, "Hey let's all work out together!" Me, you, and Cheryl? That would be awesome, I mean I know you live pretty far out but maybe we could meet up a couple nights out of the week and "enhance our outer beauty." XD I'm totally up for that.

I know what you mean though, I'm definitely not doing sailor moon for Akon, and I don't know about TnT. I just, yes I'm going to use this word, hate so many things about my appearance. Even though I've already lost almost 40 lbs, I still don't feel good and I'm definitely not where I want to be.

What has totally helped me thus far, however, portion sizes. MOST DEF. And it can be very very hard, I know, but measuring food/stuff out will help. Also eating more fruits and veggies, like as snacks. Like pickled okra is delicious and crunchy, and it's like 5 calories for 3. I am a calorie counter, which has also helped me.

My old trainer said that if you workout for at least 30 minutes everyday that you will see improvements. I haven't been very good recently because of testing/stressing out, but I try to do a morning routine when I first wake up.

And yes! Water! I try to fill myself up on water before my meals that way I won't eat a lot. XD

Meghan, I love you. You are so beautiful and I look up to you in so many ways. I love your passion, you make me want to strive harder for my goals and dreams. You can totally do anything you set your mind to, I full heartily believe this.

Meghan said...

Awww thanks so much Mattie! ;o; *hugs* This helped a lot. :)

But yeah, I think cosplay honestly has made my self-esteem even worse. Trying to "fit" into the cosplays I guess; a lot of girl characters are rather slender/skinny and tall, or short, petite and cute. I'm more curvy and average height, so it's hard to pluck right into that stereotypical "cute, tiny anime girl" look, you know?

Wanting to be as legit as possible for cosplay makes the weight thing even more stressful. Cause honestly until I started cosplaying, I was never as against my weight/size as I have been. Which is probably good and bad; it's gotten my attention to work harder and work out more/stay healthy, but I'm also now way lower in confidence and self-esteem and not liking myself a lot of the times because of it too. I compare myself a lot to skinnier girls and girls with more slender body shapes and it makes it harder to have confidence I can do better. You know?

I'm feeling a lot better about things today; I talked to my mom about it and she's going to help me too, so it'll be good to have a good influence in the household. I love my roomie to death, but she never really ate/kept good and healthy food around our dorm, or helped encourage me indirectly about losing weight. She's already very thin and toned because she dances a lot, so she can burn off all that fat just through her daily classes. So I'm happy to have you and Cheryl and my mom to help support me more and go at it with me. >o< I love you all!

We'll get through this!

And I'm DEFINITELY joinin' y'all on Tuesday and Thursdays or whatever days we want to work out. :) So excited!

Thanks Mattie! I love you girl! <3

Mattie Elizabeth said...

I've never been skinny/slender. I've always been a bit bigger, not like fat, but just meat-ier. Like I've always have had bigger arms and thighs, always. Even when I was like a little girl, my mom said she had to buy dresses that had sleeves with elastic in them. XP

I wasn't hard on myself until after my first year of winterguard. Then after highschool I gained a lot of weight because I sat around and ate all day and did nothing.

Yes! Anime girls and even guys, are unrealistic. From the hair down to the size. Some of the chicks you see in anime seriously look sickly. And you'd have to be a size 3 to pull it off, insane. I don't think I've ever been a size 6 let alone a size 3. XD

Not that I'm looking to see my hip bones or rib cage, but I would love smaller arms, fit legs/butt, defined stomach, and smaller face. Haha. ROFL.

We can do it! >.<

Meghan said...

Yeah, I know right? I didn't care about my self-image clear through middle school, then high school I started taking care of myself more/dressing up and what not. But, the lack of attention and care throughout middle school really affected me later on and made it harder to change habits/routines and get motivated. ><

Cosplay has helped me by being the motivation I need, but, I honestly need to want it for myself without cosplay... I can't start downing myself/comparing myself through or because of cosplay wishes and goals. ><

And YEAH, don't get me wrong, I do NOT want to be, like, stick thin. By any means @_@. I think girls with healthy, slender to curvy weight on them/ more "meat" per say is a lot more natural and beautiful in my opinion anyway. We all just have things about ourselves and our bodies we want to change or improve. With enough motivation and determination, it can be done >o<

We CAN do it, you are right missy!