Even if I don't seem like it, I've been really upset/depressed with myself lately.. Only with myself really though, don't get me wrong. Everything else around me in life is great, and beautiful, and I'm very grateful for all I have, all my friends, family, experiences, etc...
However, I guess not all things at once could be just perfect or else you wouldn't really need to learn anything or push yourself harder, right? You would be ignorant and blind to the fact that there are hardships in life, whether brought upon by yourself or not.
So, right now what that is with me is my self-appearance/self-image. Not in JUST appearance though, but also in school/life in general I guess? It's hard to explain, but yeah.
First off, the self-appearance/image thing. I weighed myself today and I've gained a lot of weight these past couple of months... :/ *sigh* I'm heavier now than I've ever been, and that just really, really brought me down... There was a point in the semester where I went to the gym at school at LEAST 3 times a week, for about 2 hours at a time or so. Over spring break I worked out every day, and ate healthy. But, I guess because of the excess of school stress and overworking myself with nearly everything at once, I've also neglected myself it seems. I've been eating poorly, too much or too little, hardly exercising if ever, and have been depriving myself of sleep to work on projects or I'm just restless. Some days I'll eat a lot, and some days I'll be so busy, I can hardly eat, but when I do, I OVER eat..
I get lazy when I do have free time, so I usually eat or sleep or just ... sit there, sedentary. School life felt so busy and hectic, I rationalized saying "I should let myself eat out or eat something I like to make myself feel better", so, I would. I'd eat really late at night after working on a project, usually always fast food when I wasn't really hungry. I was trying to fill up and cover the void of disappointment in myself from KNOWING I let myself go. It's ironic how that cycle works; you know you're disappointed in yourself with your weight goals or health regime, so then you eat or stay resistant to fill that void but only end up furthering the disappointment.
Not only is it image, it's also just.. I dunno'. Student image? Does that count? I just found out I did pretty poorly on something I was pretty confident in (the Psychology paper, Cheryl) and that just struck my self-esteem down a notch or two. Like, really? Design constantly makes me competitive and hungry to do my best, so I even don't like getting B's, or not getting my work honored/chosen for this accreditation program going on in the fall semester.
All in all, it's like a heavy weight of disappointment. I feel like I've been really putting myself last on my list of "things to do and take care of". Or, if you look at it this way, I've been serving myself first instead of serving what God intends for me to be, which is my best health. My body is a temple, I shouldn't slowly destroy it like I am...
How I'm going to help myself:
- When I eat out: choose healthier choices.
- Drink more water, less soda. I need to eventually knock soda out entirely...
- Exercise EVERYDAY, at least once. At most, three times. I'll have more time now, there should be no excuse.
- Weigh in consistently to make sure I'm keeping track of myself instead of letting it go for so long.
- Get to sleep. No more late nights.
- Stay off the computer more: it creates a sedentary lifestyle for me I do not want to pursue. :/
- Remain just more active in general.
How YOU can help me:
- Accountability. I seriously need this if I'm going to achieve my goal to get back on the right track, if not better. I need you all to be harsh with me if you need to, make me feel guilty if I choose something I shouldn't for all I care. Or, just remind me of my goal, what I should be doing... Check in on me. I may hate it at the moment, but it'll teach me. It'll help me learn. \
- Encouragement helps. I feel weird asking for this, but, encouragement and kind words really helps motivate me more. Not saying you guys don't, but, yeah. Keep it up then, I guess? haha.
- Honesty. PLEASE. Be honest with me. This goes around accountability too, I guess.
- Prayers. So I can get over this harsh view on myself. I can't see myself as fat or ugly or whatever, even if I feel like it, if I tell myself that/see myself like that, I'll never get better.
It's getting to the point of me doubting whether I should even attempt Fire nation Katara this summer... Which really depresses me, since that cosplay is almost done, and I've been so excited for it for so long.
Thanks for reading guys.