Friday, December 14, 2012

What an off day...

Today has serviced a huge array of emotions.

First, feeling rather tired and stressed from moving out and finishing my last two finals for my online class. I literally didn't eat until four when I got at work, and even then, it was scarfing down stuff just to have energy.

Next, hearing the news of the Conneticut elementary school shootings... My heart sunk and I felt numb. The first thing I thought of was the terror on the children's faces... they're so young, they don't understand that. They shouldn't have to yet. They should be innocent and carefree; now they'll be traumitized and terrified. Next, I thought of the horror the parents must've felt, not knowing if their child was alive or not. That's probably the hugest fear of mine: knowing a loved one is somewhere of potential danger, like a shooting, and not knowing if they made it or not. I've had nightmares about it, woken up crying, had anxiety. Stuff like this doesn't change.

My heart is truly with all of them... my prayers as well. Honestly, the first thought I imagined was "there has to be a certain place in hell for this guy" or anyone who would do that to children. Then I felt sick, and upset with myself; I should be forgiving, right? How, how though... how easily can it be to forgive such a horrid, horrid man? I fought with myself all day about it; what is God's plan for this? I wanted to be just as angry and hateful and spiteful against this man, but another half of me drew me back. Fighting with myself on and off was exhausting.

I just pray that these shootings can be prevented in the future. Metal detectors in schools, more security in schools, etc. I'm sure there's always a way around things; but the harder we make it for the lunatics and criminals, the less likely they'll feel the need to fight back. Thus keeping children, and everyone, safe...

It makes me want to homeschool my future children though. Idk. I'd been considering it before, but now this, this... has almost pushed me over. It's comforting the idea of being able to be home with them, or have someone at my home or at a small church teaching them, not a public school with tons temptation, influence and apparently, threats of shootings. I know you can't withhold your children from danger forever, but... homeschooling seems like a good alternative. Rather than living with that constant anxiety and fear of "will they return to me today from school?"

As depressing as that sounds. Sorry guys. Just.. tons of emotions.


On the upside of the day (I guess?) I'm finally done with school. I'm beyond annoyed how awful and badly this semester ended class wise; doing horrible on all my finals really set me off, and then having to work so much which kept me from studying. And the customers, oh, the customers.. I had to pray everyday before work and random times throughout JUST to remain semi-normal tolerancy. I can never finish a task or have a break without customers buggingbuggingbugging me, and honestly, most are kinda' snuffy/huffy/impatient. Very few seem thankful. Just cause we don't have something, they'll have a disgusted look on their face or like it's OUR fault. Good Lord. I'm a few bad customers away from walking out, seriously. I'm tired of it. I can't wait for retail Christmas season to be done.

The week couldn't have drug on MORE. I feel totally wiped after this semester. I hope my cruise will be relaxing and bring me rejuvenation to start again..

I feel like EVERYONE around me is getting engaged, is married, or is having babies. I just learned today Heather Maloney is engaged; like for real. I've been dating Ethan longer than those two are together. Everyone else is getting engaged or graduating finally or having babies and starting a family. And me? I just feel stuck. Stuck in college. Stuck with my living situation. Stuck in my relationship. I don't even know if Ethan wants to marry me; so what's the point, right? We're both still very happy; but it doesn't seem to be progressing at all. I just.. have so many questions. And feel confused.

I feel like Rapunzel; "When will my life begin?" I feel like Ariel, wanting to explore and find so much more beyond where I am.

I just want to break free. Be new. Recharge, refresh and break this cycle. Maybe this next year will be it for me, maybe, I will finally break free somehow.

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