Tuesday, December 4, 2012


I should be studying but I can't focus and I'm going to do horrible on this test anyway
this class I may even fail, I don't even care at this point it's been a waste of time and I've learned nothing

This week has been rise and fall, roller coaster of emotions

All this crap with Jasmine is the third time in my life I've just been ignored/disposed of without really any thought or explanation. First it was by an entire group of my "best" friends (maybe 4-5 people, maybe even more), next it was by my second boyfriend JP, and now, by Jasmine, and yes, she was never the best company anyway (negative, angry, bitter) but there were times when I confided in her about a lot and she gave me good, honest advice. Like we WERE friends, it wasn't just her trying to pick on me all the time, she had moments she showed she cared.

And now what?

She hasn't talked to me but maybe once or twice this entire semester.

I came into the print lab once and she was there and I said hi, how's it going and her "hello" was so quiet and cold it wasn't even audible. No eye contact.

She actually never really looks at me anymore. If we're in a group, she doesn't even act like I'm there. I'm invisible to her or something.

The worse yet was today, I think. She was standing in the doorway at the end of class waiting on someone and I needed to get through. I said "excuse me", I was polite, but she didn't even move or look at me. I literally had to go through the small gap between her and the door, pressing myself against the freaking door to get through like she wasn't even a human there but an inanimate object.

Like seriously? With all of my being, I hate being ignored. It probably comes from childhood as ironic as that sounds: the traumatizing experience of my entire group of friends ignoring me, going behind my back, faking nice to me and then just dropping me all together. Ignoring me as if we were never friends, as if they could erase our friendship or even erase me from everything. Even though they've all apologized and we're "civil" now, and "friends" the scar is still there. I'd probably be closer friends with them now had that never happened. But honestly, I can't trust them.

So now, this. I don't even feel comfortable going to the print lab anymore. I don't like walking in and seeing her there, being negative and bitter in general, but on top of that, ignoring me. If I have other friends there, it's fine. But still. She'll talk to everyone else in front of me, but me. She goes OUT OF HER WAY to make me feel ignored and invisible. Honestly, I'd rather put up with being teased or messed with over this. At least with teasing, it's someone's weird way of showing you they like having you around; being ignored, they don't even want you to exist because that's how they're treating you.

Guys it's seriously taking over my head... Back of my mind all semester, this invisible, worthless feeling. Forgotten and ignored, directly fed by how Jasmine is treating me, rebirthed from events of the past. Which is probably a huge factor in my mood swings and severe bitterness to situations; Lara and Cody always third wheeling me, not getting to see my friends as often,  Ethan not replying to me or trying to hang out with me, choosing his guy friends over me all the time, falling asleep when we're hanging out like I'm not even there.

It's all slowly contributing to that idea and I'm about to snap.. I don't know.

I've been trying to rely on God, like in prayer and stuff, but it's so hard because He is so quiet. I don't hear from Him right away, or at all. I'll sometimes feel that peace and strength to tackle something, or take on something with His help, but I'm at rock bottom again. Sometimes all I need and want is just loving arms to hold me or hug me. A reason why physical intimacy, and physical touch, is my language of love. It shows me that they know I'm there, that I exist to them, that I matter. That I'm not something invisible, or easily ignored.

I try to be a pleasant, sweet, friendly person. I try to not hurt others, I try to be honest, I try to be genuine and true to myself and others. How can that affect someone else into treating me like this? What the heck did I even do? I know I have true friends and family that love me, but it's hard when all I know throughout the week is design and school, and it's a constant reminder of feeling forgotten.

Part of me just wonders if I never showed up again if anyone would even notice.

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