I wish I had more strength.

Sooo the past couple of days have been .. well.
I'm starting to see who my real friends are
and this has NOTHIIINGGG to do with y'all, haha. YOU guys are my real friends <3 this is about someone else... a whole 'nother situation.

Basically, I asked my friend Jasmine -- who I work with, who i'm consistently with during design, who I'm trying to be a good friend to, encourage, give advice, joke around with, etc...-- a week in advance if she could cover my shift on Sunday so I could go to the Medieval fair. She was like "Sure, I can do it" and I expressed gratitude and thanks and she said "No prob". She even wrote it on the schedule.

Calls me up Thursday morning -- after a rigorous past couple of days with an all-nighter, stressful tests and projects -- and tells me she can't cover me cause she has "too much due and needs that WHOLE day". I had to get off the phone quickly because I felt sooo, so angry. Let's just say I had to pray and ask for forgiveness afterwards, whew I sort of lost it. I was just tired already, stressed already, and the one day I was looking forward to I just got stressed out by all over again having to work all day now. On a Sunday. Missing the fair, and missing you guys.

I mean, who DOES that? Says they can help you out, and then bail out. It just blew my mind -- I would never do that. Never. Even if I had "a lot due" I would just suck it up and work around it. I wouldn't go back on my word -- especially if it really helped out someone else or made someone else happy. I wouldn't go back on my word solely for the fact of disappointing and hurting the person... but, this just goes to show me some people only have their self interest in mind.

We were both taking a weekend course this weekend, Digital Illustration. There was no way we could work Friday or Saturday since it was smack in the middle of the day so we both had those days off. However, I found out that she dropped the course -- so she has Friday and Saturday and Sunday entirely off now. While I have the weekend course AND work all day Sunday now, and I have the same amount of crap due next week, and I'm still finding time to do it.

Fishy? I think so. I think she was just like "Screw Meghan" and bailed on me.

It just really hurts and really sucks. I'm so naive. I get walked on all the time by people. I'm tired of being told "Nyeheh, you're so naive Meghan you'd get kidnapped in an instant". BULL CRAP. Jasmine always joked with me herself that if we were being attacked she'd trip me and run. She always says how she's all about looking out for herself first, well, now she proved it. I believe her 110%, and now trust her 0%. Sure I'm upset about missing the fair -- but that will pass. It's the principle of her selfish decision and the fact she cares jack squat about my stress or my situation that really, really bothers me. It's one thing if it was an emergency keeping her -- but how she presented it was just some crappy, vague excuse.

UGGGGH.

I'm channeling my inner Korra recently. I want to be really good at this character, but beyond cosplay, I'm inspired by her. Her strength, stubbornness, strong-will, the fire in her eyes. I want to quit being walked on. I want to be strong, reliable, self-sufficient. I want to be able to defend myself if needed; I want to quit trusting so easily that I get walked on. I want to hold tight to those I love, those I trust, those I know care about me, those I care about as well. I want to love others and help others, but avoid being hurt by those that fool me. I want to be wise in my decisions of who to trust and who to just be an acquaintance with. I have this odd philosophy in my mind that I should just trust and give out my heart equally to everyone. Be open, accommodating, nice, friendly, bubbly, whatever, to everyone. Which is fine, I guess -- but I end up thinking they care equally about me, and they usually don't ('cept for y'all <3) It's just a sad truth I'm realizing.

I'm going to be strong. Kick butt, take names, leave it at that.

I wish super-heros were real -- I'd totally want to be one. Especially one like the Avatar.