I'm not home yet.

Mood: Tired but happy!
Music: "Where I Belong" -- Building 429
Reading: Rose & the Beast, and To-ra-do-ra (manga)


Aah! I have an amazing song stuck in my head. It's one I've been hearing on Christian radio a lot recently, and I LOVE it.

It's called "Where I Belong" by Building 429. It's so good! The lyrics are so empowering:

"Sometimes it feels like I'm watching from the outside
Sometimes it feels like I'm breathing but am I alive
I won't keep searching for answers that aren't here to find

All I know is I'm not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus
This is not where I belong

So when the walls come falling down on me
And when I'm lost in the current of a raging sea
I have this blessed assurance holding me.

All I know is I'm not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus
This is not where I belong

When the earth shakes I wanna be found in You
When the lights fade I wanna be found in You."

The melody and whole sound of the song is great too. It's very uplifting and motivating, constantly pushing forward in determination that THIS is not where we belong. I always feel like that; I'm constantly picked on in class for being naive or innocent, or whatever. People tell me I'll never survive the real world, or big cities, or being out on my own because I'm not "experienced". I laugh and am like "whatever" but honestly, it hurts my feelings. A lot. And when I have defended myself in my reasonings why I am why I am (ie: I'm waiting for sex 'til marriage cause of my Christian believes, that's why I'm a virgin, etc...) they just laugh it off or think it's an invalid, close-minded statement. I mean literally, people are telling me this to my face. It stings.

But at the same time, I can just curl under the covers at night and close my eyes, and be taken away in a dream knowing that this isn't my permanent home. Sometimes it's easy to get caught up in the good things of the world and idolize them (or the bad things even :/) but at the same time, when bad things happen or we are ridiculed, we just know that this is all only temporary.

We're not where we belong, but we'll be there soon!

So today was an okay day; I had class from 9 til 6 (roughly; 3 hour gap in-between but I did homework). I got a lot done though so I'm pretty content with spending my evening not working on homework. I have nearly all day tomorrow anyway. I'm taking Lara out tonight to Ted's for her birthday (now that I can eat Ted's, lol). I've been a little tense at the apartment cause well, long story short, Lara's boyfriend has to be living here for a little bit since he has no where else to go until he can move into his new apartment (he's waiting on the person to move out first). So he's been staying here, and sometimes is here when Lara is in class so I'll walk out into the living room or kitchen and he walks out too or is there. It's just sort of weird, idk. I didn't sign up to live with my roommate and her boyfriend, or a dude for that matter .___.

Also, they've been newly dating, so they're in that whole infatuation phase where they want to spend every living moment together. I hardly ever see Lara now -- and I'm actually at the apartment a lot, she's just always out or they're always together. I haven't seen just HER without him around in a while it feels like. And I love 'em both to death, but they're verrry, very different from me. I'm quiet, laid back, chill. They're very loud and outgoing separately, so when they're together, it's booming. Literally, I locked myself into my room multiple times because I couldn't concentrate or relax they were being so loud. Obviously we're into totally different things, so they like sports and all these TV shows and movies, while I like to spend my time creatively (like doing cosplay or drawing or reading or something). So we don't have a lot in common to really talk about. Cody also is still acting like he has to talk to me all the time if I'm there and he's there so he can get to know me and be comfortable, but it's almost more uncomfortable cause I hatehatehate feeling forced to talked to someone if I feel like THEY don't GENUINELY want to talk to me first. It's weird I know, lol.

On top of that, I'm worried about Lara. She literally went from her 3-year, wreck of a relationship, first boyfriend break up, to another boy drama/relationship situation right into dating Cody. She hasn't had a good chunk of time where she was single with no boy drama or boy in her life to focus on. She's been doing well spiritually I think, like praying and being really devoted, but at the same time, I thought she was going to stay single longer and hold off. Allow herself to be happy single and then prepare herself for another relationship. I know that's what I had to do... but idk, people are all different so she may NOT need to do that to be ready to date again.

Sooooo all in all, I just hope that tonight I can have a good evening alone with Lara to catch up. I don't want to sound like I'm judging or complaining; I guess just when you're living with someone that's not your parents, and especially if you are friends with them, they can take advantage of the fact that "all is okay" and will just let, like, their boyfriends stay weeks at a time. Or have alcohol sitting in the fridge just cause they turned 21 recently. Or stay up and watch movies and talk loudly while you're trying to sleep. *sigh* No boundaries sometimes, lol. It can be difficult. I just needed to let it out.

Tonight shall be swell though!

Man, I really wish I could go to that Chinese New Year Celebration thing :( I really need to work though, I need the hours. I'm only working 2 shifts a week, so if I were to get someone to cover me I'd only have like 7 hours of money coming in this week. Which is not nearly enough to get groceries and supplies and everything I need. Gaaaah responsibilities. They suck sometimes, but it will all be worth it. I'll just see you ladies at future girl hangouts when I can ask off ahead of time and still get some shifts in. :3

Man, I've been practically doing a blog a day -- I hope I'm not tiring y'all out. It's weird to have a little more spare time nowadays to spend relaxing a little; but, it is REALLY nice to, I am NOT complaining. Last semester was awful, so I needed a little break. I'm off to go clean my room though and go get ready for the dinner tonight.

'Ta!

Let's never have this end!

I mean, seriously, today has been so awesome!

This morning, Ethan treated me to breakfast at IHOP before work, to sort of celebrate me making it through the fast and sticking to it as much as I could :D I got biscuits and gravy with eggs, and mmm, it was so delicious <3 I seriously appreciated it tons. However, I didn't eat AS much so I wouldn't overload my system right off the bat. But it was such a pleasant treat, and it was Ethan's idea too. He just surprises me with how spontaneous, generous or romantic he can be. One minute I'm thinking a certain way and the next he's just surprising me. Constantly. Haha, it never really gets too boring, we can say that.

Then today at work I got to work with people I liked, we had a good steady flow of customers, and no really rude customers or bad experiences. We also kept on top of everything so we weren't stressing out. It was amazing! Plus the work area was so clean and nice from our recent holiday-recovery. So glad the retail holiday season is over though -- that was sheer insanity.

And then, to make the night EVEN BETTER, I knew I was gonna' need some caffeine/energy to stay up to work on homework tonight, so I stopped by Starbucks before going back to my apartment. I pull into the drive through to get my drink and pay, and the guy told me the person in front of me paid for my drink also so I was good to go. I was stunned! It was SOOO generous, I sort of almost cried but I was just really happy too. It was just a small little blessing, and those things seriously make my day.

It doesn't take much to really make me feel happy and blessed, simple things matter a lot to me... So, Ethan treating me to something new, like going out for breakfast together, where he drove all the way to Edmond in the morning (he's not a morning person at all) just to do that? It was so sweet. And then just things going smoothly at work, to the person paying for my drink. It's just all great, small blessings that add up for a wonderful day. On top of that, my parents also came into work and it was so good to see and talk to them since I haven't been able to much since school started. I seriously almost shouted, "Mommy! Daddy!" when they talked in, bahaha. Then I had to maintain myself.

Me and Ethan have been watching through his Lazytown collection I got him for Christmas; that show freaking rocks! My kids are totally watching Lazytown. It's just so funny and entertaining, with great morals and great music. Sure some parts are kinda' corny, but at the same time, it's all done in such a charming way that's uniquely Lazytown. Ethan burned me some of the music and now it's stuck in my head, haha XD We're also thinking about, get this, cosplaying as Stephanie and Sportacus! BAHAHAHAHAHAHA, I'm not sure entirely if that's happening, but, it'd be freaking great. Ethan's already working on his Icelandic accent and awesome superhero moves and I need to get started on my dancing and bubbly personality.

Let's go!

ALSO, I've been thinking about our epic FF gals group. I'm making more progress on Yuffie right now, however, I think since it's gonna' be for TnT, I may start progress on Rinoa, that way Final Fantasy VIII can be represented, and since it's my favorite Final Fantasy game thus far anyway and she's my favorite FF gal! :3 I'm getting stoked too, if I can convince Ethan enough he may be my Squall. Which would officially fulfill all fangirl dreams of mine, since I've fangirled over Squall, like, forever. *______* Something about bad boys with scars having soft spots... Which reminds me something funny Ethan said recently. I was talking about my love for Zuko's character or something randomly as I flipped through that Zuko's Story book he had. I mentioned, "I just have this thing for bad boys, idk what it is." And then Ethan was quietly like, "... yeah, and then I came along. Third time's a charm, right?" I kinda' lost it in laughter for a little bit. It was awesome.

Haha, let's hope the rest of the week is this pleasantly surprising and just content. I know design may be stressful this week, but at the same time, I'm ready to take it on now with a positive attitude. I just wish I wasn't so tired right now, but I guess that's where caffeine can help. Gotta' get to sketching and planning and morphing animals together... don't ask. Oddly enough, yes, that last one is a legit project. Oy vey.

Ta lovelies! I love you all <3

PS: Sorry if this blog seems annoyingly happy. I guess that's just what I am right now, lol. Which is very nice. XD

The gifts you gave.

Mood: Inspired and thoughtful.
Music: "The First Time I Ever Saw Your Face" - Leona Lewis

So this evening was the design trip to Tulsa! We heard an AMAZING graphic designer, Michael Bierut, lecture for about an hour; that may not sound like the BEST way to spend your evening, but it truly was amazing! He was so entertaining but professional, and very knowledgeable about field and his career. They call him a "rock star" in the design world, and really, he is; he's designed Guitar Hero's logo, the logo for Saks Fifth Avenue, the HUUGE sign on the New York Times Building, the New World Symphony identity, and tons of other stuff for architects and other big companies. He works at a design studio in New York City called Pentagram, which is a HUUUGE design studio; they get all the major jobs, obviously, considering the ones he's worked on. His design style is sooooo slick, modern and classy, and it all seems so simple to come up with when he talks about it, it's amazing. I just feel so reaffirmed and inspired now as a designer!

Thinking about it all though, I'm also feeling motivated to try, at some point in my life, being a designer in a big city; like Dallas, Chicago, New York City, etc... now, I'm not entirely sure of that, considering it's an insanely hard and competitive market out there, and I'm not entirely sure if I could even survive in a big city like that, but at the same time, it'd be so cool to affect the world with design on a national or even global level -- and that is the ONLY way really, to work in a big city and get your stuff out there. I'd definitely be working locally after I graduate for a while, but making it in the big time with design would be really great.. it could be a great ministry opportunity as well, and the design world needs that terribly.

Also, this trip was a refreshing little trip with some of the design students; it was weird cause it felt semi like high school trips, but at the same time, not, haha. We had a charter bus and even stopped at McDonald's on the way back. ._. I was like, really?! Haha, but whatevs. AND THE PHILBROOK MUSEUM OF ART, OMG. It was SOOO beautiful. Cheryl, Mattie, we MUST go back sometime -- you guys would LOVE it there. It's an old mansion they bought and turned into a museum, but it has SUCH beautiful Baroque/Victorian inspired architecture, furniture and decorating it's just gorgeous. They have tons of old, legit paintings too, as well as some rooms with artifacts and retro furniture, dishware or electronic items. I took pics on my iPhone, I'll have to show you :D And we couldn't really see it that well since it was nighttime, but they have this amazing garden and outside walking area that just sounds amazing; and from what I COULD see, it looked amazing. I wish I had my Nikon with me, man, I would've had a field day taking even MORE pictures than I already did.

Aah so lovely though. <3

I'm kind of a little bummed though, Ethan's been acting cold and rude to me all day it seems like. He randomly just stopped texting me and then only texted me to ask me something totally random unrelated to what I had sent a few hours earlier. I was sort of annoyed so I was being short with him and then he almost cut off the conversation quickly so I asked why he was being cold. And he said he was just "in a weird mood" and that my messages were short too. But I told him they were like that because of how he was acting, and then went on this spiel about him acting ignorant and rude to me in general lately, and he was like really rude saying "Okay, okay, yes I got distracted and didn't text you back. I'm sorry." So I didn't reply, then he apologized an hour or so later, so then I asked him if he needed his space and he said "well it doesn't really matter cause I'm going to bed soon anyway" then he tried asking me about my trip but I just took that message so coldly anyway I was so put out, I didn't reply. He just gets in this moods where he just ... is so cold and rude for no reason. I also feel like he'd always rather sleep or nap than talk to me.

It just really bothers me. I'm learning to not be so weak to him though and just wait on hand and foot for his replies, and feel the need to reply all the time and so quickly. I'm tired of it, ya' know? You gotta' show me the same interest for me to give it to you, that's all I'm saying. And maybe being a little cold back will get his attention. I make it way, WAAAY too easy on him to "have me". I gotta' make it a little harder so he has something to pursue. I also feel bad, but when I came back to the apartment Cody (Lara's boyfriend) was here -- and I swear he might as well live here, he's here all the time -- and they were insanely flirty and giggly and I just locked myself in my room, lol. Is that totally bitter? I guess it probably is. Baah. I have a lot to work on.

IT'S ALL SO STUPID. >:|

But anyway!

I'm generally in a good mood. I'm gonna' pass out soon though cause I gotta' get some stuff done tomorrow and need the morning and afternoon as much as possible. I can't wait for our decorating parties, and we need to get together to plan AKON sometime soon too! That'd be fun as well :D

I love you all! Mwah!

PS: The last few images are some of Bierut's work. He's so amazing!

A little me time.

Mood: Whimsy and peaceful
Music: Florence & the Machine - "What the Water Gave Me", from Ceremonials
Reading: The Rose and the Beast - Francesca Lia Black

Today has been long, but tonight has been lovely so far!

I mean, overall the day wasn't awful or anything, just long. All of my classes went pretty well actually; I got good feedback/critique in my design classes, managed to stay productive, optimistic and energetic, and History of Graphic Design II was so fascinating! We learned all about the Industrial Revolution and the Victorian style. We saw a lot of posters from the era, included wood print posters (posters made with type that was made from wood and printed with; it allowed it to have a lot more decoration and a more ornate feel to it). Even though it's a three hour note taking only lecture class, I've been really enjoying it lately; plus I'm in it with some of my good design friends, so that's always good too :)

The only downside today has been I've been sort of achey feeling and yucky feeling, with a migraine; kind of those onset symptoms of being sick or something. :( I really HOPE I'm not sick, for I have so much planned this weekend! The decorating party Saturday, time with Ethan Friday night, and working Sunday all day (well that wasn't "planned", but I DO need the money, haha). It may have been onset from the other day I didn't really eat much, I just got preoccupied and forgot to, on-top of getting crummy sleep two days in a row and constantly going. I'm just taking it easy tonight and am going to rest up as much as I can.

Speaking of things planned, tomorrow afternoon/evening some of the design students are taking a bus to Tulsa to hear a really famous graphic designer speak -- Michael Beirut! I've never really seen his stuff necessarily, but if he's famous and has made his name in design, I'm VERY curious. He'll be really inspiring to hear from, and will help motivate all our spirits I think. :) Also, a bus ride/field trip to Tulsa with some of the coolest cats on campus? I'm down with that. :D

So I'm excited for our binder decorating party! I've also been catching up on the 365 Days project. I'm way behind, but I am DETERMINED to not fail this year. I can already tell a difference though in how I improve just by drawing everyday; it's a lot less intimidating to sit at a blank piece of paper, and I feel like my technique is enhanced more. I'm stoked to see what 2012 holds for me drawing and illustration wise. I'd really, really love to be good enough one day to do concept art for video games, or illustrated book covers or album artwork or even children's books. That'd be such a fun side gig to design! <3

Right now I'm also working on reading a lot of my books I got from the book fair BEFORE the NEXT book fair that's coming up, uh, next month. xP I doubt I'll get them all read, but I'm really gonna' try to incorporate more reading into my daily schedule. Not only books, but just straight Scripture too from the Bible; I SERIOUSLY need to read the Bible more regularly than I do. :(

Well, I'm gonna' go off and finish the rest of my evening -- I had an amazing, hot bath earlier, soaking my muscles and bones and just letting them relax. It felt wonderful <3 Now I'm drinking some fresh cold water, and eating some grapes while I watch the new episode of Glee and paint my toenails and nails, and I'll probably read and draw before bed too. I'm just enjoying some restful me time before bed so I can sleep soundly and peacefully tonight. I seriously need to do this more. D:

Ta' lovelies! Thanks for reading. <3

Speechless.

This video was just TOO AMAZING to not share.
Seriously everything I believe.
Growing up Catholic this hits home a lot more; I've been apart of that "museum of good people", all about merit and deeds, spiritless rituals and traditions... Jesus isn't about that. Jesus would hardly be accepted by half of the "best religious" people out there; for Jesus is a humble soul, he'd walk and dine with sinners and love on those that others turned away from...

Man, I just want to cry sometimes thinking about it... but, Jesus is TRULY the ONLY Prince Charming! Who needs a fairytale romance when you got Him?! Seriously! Can you imagine if He were human and on Earth today? I'm pretty sure I'd be madly in love and would have a wicked crush, just sayin', lol. But in all seriousness... that's what He really is! I just get butterflies and goosebumps thinking about it. <3

I will always remember what Vic had also said at Izumicon 2011, how Jesus would be so fascinated with the con goers and rejected anime kids, how he'd be loving on them and being friendly to them, asking them about their costumes, amazed they made them, just talking to them and getting to know them, respecting them and understanding them... Would religious people do that? Most likely not.

Oh man, I'm just shaken to the bone, that video was so awesome. Jesus is so amazing. <3 I never really stop and realize that enough; it's easy to be complacent when you're saved and just going through life mundanely, not really having that "salvation, epiphany experience" all the time, but it's little things like that that just REALLY remind me where my true love lies. :') And that's all that matters!

Four day weekend!

Pretty much!

I don't have classes on Fridays and we have this Monday off. /score!!

I also only work Sunday (all day though :P) but I'm pretty sure I have Monday off, and then I have Friday and Saturday off too, AND had yesterday off with only one class. So far, this semester has been really really nice and seemingly easy so I hope the rest of it goes that way too. How last semester was, I NEED a semester with a little breathing room, time for myself, sleep, and sanity, haha.

So the Daniel Fast is going really well for me! I do have to confess though I cheated or broke the fast a couple times this week :(
I already prayed about it and fought through any more temptations, but it was mainly I drank soda instead of water. One of the reasons was cause at work our vending machine with fresh, clean bottled water was literally out of bottled water so all we had was warm water to drink and I had drank all the water I had brought with me. I really didn't want to drink lukewarm water that we had sitting in the back office, so, I caved and got a Sprite since it was cold. The rest of my meal didn't break the fast at all though.

The second time was just plain caving into temptation I guess. I was starving and had class back to back so I went to the vending machines. I got those Lays Classic chips, and was happy to realize I COULD actually eat those. But, I ended up caving AGAIN and got a Sprite instead of water. I was really disappointed in myself and you know what, it honestly didn't taste any better than water would have. I haven't really MISSED soda that much, I guess it was an instinctual, just selfish sort of desire I acted upon that I didn't need to. But, those are the only times I've broken the fast, save for the couple pieces of turkey protein I had to eat after I got out of the hospital cause my doctor wanted me to and I was feeling insanely weak. He still wanted me to balance out the fast more with lean meat, but I honestly want to fight this thing all the way through and do it as accurately as possible.

And the only other time so far has been when I had to end up getting something to eat in the Nigh University Center cause I didn't have time to go back to my apartment to make myself something before class, also because I was busy working on stuff for design. I had gotten up late that morning too so I hadn't had anything in me, literally, and if I didn't run and get something, I'd be sinking all day. I ended up eating a little more meat by getting a sandwhich, but I didn't add any cheese or dressing to it, and only got wheat bread. I paired it with an apple and some water and that nourished me plenty enough. Still though, I felt guilty :/ Like I should've packed a lunch or just arranged my schedule better to make time. It's hard maintaining the fast through a constantly going, student lifestyle on campus. I'm fighting it all though. ><

I just wanted to confess those though since I felt really bad about them. :(

But I HAVE been fighting insane amounts of tempting food here at the apartment, gaah, lol. Twice this week Lara has baked fresh, yummy smelling cookies, their smell wafting all through our apartment. I woke up to that smell this morning and was sort of tortured for a little bit, hahahaha. The other time it happened, I had walked home Wednesday night in the blizzardy weather and came inside to the warm apartment. She greeted me saying "Have some warm cookies, or I can make you some hot chocolate--!" and THEN she remembered I couldn't have any of it. So tempting too cause they sounded so warm and comforting. Bahaha. I had to sink in the chair farthest away from the kitchen to keep myself from eating any cookies (she makes them soooo well too ;-;) I just made myself a bowl of hot spaghetti instead, haha. I was fine after a while though :)

I also have Sprite and soda still in my fridge from last semester that I force myself to not even look at. Walking through the Nigh University Center is sooo hard cause of all the yummy food smells wafting my way. Chik-Fil-A, Quizno's, Pizza, Chinese... gah! And multiple times Lara has invited me to go to Ted's or Buffalo Wild Wings with her for her birthday celebration stuff, before she knew I was on the diet. That was so hard! Mmm, Ted's is so yummy, my favorite Mexican food restaurant; and Buffalo Wild Wings is just delicious meat with delicious sauce and aaagggh --

I'm torturing myself writing this! /facepalm

BUT! All of this is definitely teaching me willpower and self-control. And just focusing on God's will little by little, knowing He WILL sustain me and provide for me just the amount of food I need. It used to be all about fulfilling cravings I wanted instead of just nourishing myself enough to be full and healthy. I think even after the fast I'll keep up some of the healthy guidelines it's teaching me :)

Right now a project I'm working on is cleaning out and organizing my room! I'm so excited for this. I threw out a bunch of junk from last semester, and am going through my clothes to figure out what I want to donate or sell. Room for new clothes, baby! ;D Hahaha, whenever I get the money or time for that nonsense...

I'm also hanging some more decorations I never got around to for last year, and then am going to make it even more of a cozy layout with some hanging mood lighting and some tulle/curtains over my bed to create a canopy. :D Or just buy a canopy that completely covers my bed, aah that'd be so amazing. <3 Possibly get some new bedding too so I don't just have black sheets, but we'll see about that. I also got a surge protector so I can hook up all my mood lighting and have those constantly plugged in and running instead of using the awful fluorescents that drain my soul. :P I'll probably get some more organizational things for my desk, and I'm thinking of even treating my bathroom a little bit to give it some more personality. I really just want my room and apartment to be a little sanctuary/retreat I can collapse into after a long day of homework or work. <3

So now today is just some cleaning and organizing in my room and then the movie later! Super stoked to see my favorite disney movie in theaters in 3D with my favorite ladies! Aah! <3

I was a dreamer ...

... before you went and let me down.
Now it's too late for you and your white horse to come around."


"My mistake, I didn't know to be in love you had to fight to have the upper hand."

"I'm always the one that loves more; that's my thing..."