Monday, January 23, 2012

I'm not home yet.

Mood: Tired but happy!
Music: "Where I Belong" -- Building 429
Reading: Rose & the Beast, and To-ra-do-ra (manga)

Aah! I have an amazing song stuck in my head. It's one I've been hearing on Christian radio a lot recently, and I LOVE it.

It's called "Where I Belong" by Building 429. It's so good! The lyrics are so empowering:

"Sometimes it feels like I'm watching from the outside
Sometimes it feels like I'm breathing but am I alive
I won't keep searching for answers that aren't here to find

All I know is I'm not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus
This is not where I belong

So when the walls come falling down on me
And when I'm lost in the current of a raging sea
I have this blessed assurance holding me.

All I know is I'm not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus
This is not where I belong

When the earth shakes I wanna be found in You
When the lights fade I wanna be found in You."

The melody and whole sound of the song is great too. It's very uplifting and motivating, constantly pushing forward in determination that THIS is not where we belong. I always feel like that; I'm constantly picked on in class for being naive or innocent, or whatever. People tell me I'll never survive the real world, or big cities, or being out on my own because I'm not "experienced". I laugh and am like "whatever" but honestly, it hurts my feelings. A lot. And when I have defended myself in my reasonings why I am why I am (ie: I'm waiting for sex 'til marriage cause of my Christian believes, that's why I'm a virgin, etc...) they just laugh it off or think it's an invalid, close-minded statement. I mean literally, people are telling me this to my face. It stings.

But at the same time, I can just curl under the covers at night and close my eyes, and be taken away in a dream knowing that this isn't my permanent home. Sometimes it's easy to get caught up in the good things of the world and idolize them (or the bad things even :/) but at the same time, when bad things happen or we are ridiculed, we just know that this is all only temporary.

We're not where we belong, but we'll be there soon!

So today was an okay day; I had class from 9 til 6 (roughly; 3 hour gap in-between but I did homework). I got a lot done though so I'm pretty content with spending my evening not working on homework. I have nearly all day tomorrow anyway. I'm taking Lara out tonight to Ted's for her birthday (now that I can eat Ted's, lol). I've been a little tense at the apartment cause well, long story short, Lara's boyfriend has to be living here for a little bit since he has no where else to go until he can move into his new apartment (he's waiting on the person to move out first). So he's been staying here, and sometimes is here when Lara is in class so I'll walk out into the living room or kitchen and he walks out too or is there. It's just sort of weird, idk. I didn't sign up to live with my roommate and her boyfriend, or a dude for that matter .___.

Also, they've been newly dating, so they're in that whole infatuation phase where they want to spend every living moment together. I hardly ever see Lara now -- and I'm actually at the apartment a lot, she's just always out or they're always together. I haven't seen just HER without him around in a while it feels like. And I love 'em both to death, but they're verrry, very different from me. I'm quiet, laid back, chill. They're very loud and outgoing separately, so when they're together, it's booming. Literally, I locked myself into my room multiple times because I couldn't concentrate or relax they were being so loud. Obviously we're into totally different things, so they like sports and all these TV shows and movies, while I like to spend my time creatively (like doing cosplay or drawing or reading or something). So we don't have a lot in common to really talk about. Cody also is still acting like he has to talk to me all the time if I'm there and he's there so he can get to know me and be comfortable, but it's almost more uncomfortable cause I hatehatehate feeling forced to talked to someone if I feel like THEY don't GENUINELY want to talk to me first. It's weird I know, lol.

On top of that, I'm worried about Lara. She literally went from her 3-year, wreck of a relationship, first boyfriend break up, to another boy drama/relationship situation right into dating Cody. She hasn't had a good chunk of time where she was single with no boy drama or boy in her life to focus on. She's been doing well spiritually I think, like praying and being really devoted, but at the same time, I thought she was going to stay single longer and hold off. Allow herself to be happy single and then prepare herself for another relationship. I know that's what I had to do... but idk, people are all different so she may NOT need to do that to be ready to date again.

Sooooo all in all, I just hope that tonight I can have a good evening alone with Lara to catch up. I don't want to sound like I'm judging or complaining; I guess just when you're living with someone that's not your parents, and especially if you are friends with them, they can take advantage of the fact that "all is okay" and will just let, like, their boyfriends stay weeks at a time. Or have alcohol sitting in the fridge just cause they turned 21 recently. Or stay up and watch movies and talk loudly while you're trying to sleep. *sigh* No boundaries sometimes, lol. It can be difficult. I just needed to let it out.

Tonight shall be swell though!

Man, I really wish I could go to that Chinese New Year Celebration thing :( I really need to work though, I need the hours. I'm only working 2 shifts a week, so if I were to get someone to cover me I'd only have like 7 hours of money coming in this week. Which is not nearly enough to get groceries and supplies and everything I need. Gaaaah responsibilities. They suck sometimes, but it will all be worth it. I'll just see you ladies at future girl hangouts when I can ask off ahead of time and still get some shifts in. :3

Man, I've been practically doing a blog a day -- I hope I'm not tiring y'all out. It's weird to have a little more spare time nowadays to spend relaxing a little; but, it is REALLY nice to, I am NOT complaining. Last semester was awful, so I needed a little break. I'm off to go clean my room though and go get ready for the dinner tonight.


1 comment:

Becky said...

AAWW!! :( I'm sorry Meghan about your roomate.I'll pray for her that she keeps on having a stronger walk with the Lord and not get so wraped up in this world.

Meghan,I just want to say how PROUD I am for you!! You standing up to people at UCO or anywhere you go,is truly amazing how God gives you the strength to resist those things that people think are cool(like having sex before marrage). I'm so glad you're standing up for you're belief. :D I have been praying so much for you,Mattie,and Cheryl for such a long time. Reading your blogs are like my daily prayer request. Everytime I read them,I'm just either happy or sad to the point I want to cry in my bedroom and pray. I get torn up inside with all the things you girls go through.It's crazy! I totally wish I can be there to reach out my hand and help out,but I know that's up to God.

I am so proud of you guys getting through the fast! XD You guys are awesome! I will always be praying for you girls and I'm sorry that I don't blog so much. :'(

Anyway,Don't feel bad about the Chinese New Year cause I can't go to that either. :/ My brother(Ben) his birthday is Saturday and I totally forgot! DX So hopefully we can all do it on Sunday or something. lol

I love you and keep on obeying God and putting Him first.Don't try to please people or anything in this world.God is all you need! <3 <3 ^^