Tuesday, January 31, 2012

All of me.

So, I'm feeling a slight tension and ache in my heart.
But at the same time, I know I need to let it go.

Ethan was really down today, and I tried to ask him why. He finally told me that he's just sick of seeing the world how it is; he feels hopeless sometimes that anything will change within America, how he wants to just sometimes leave and go to some smaller country where there are less problems. He said more too, how he wants to change the world somehow but he knows he doesn't have nearly that sort of power and even if he did, he couldn't change the hearts of humanity. He said though that it would be worth dying for if he could.

I was really touched with how passionate he was about it; so I asked him, "Do you feel like it's a conviction for a call to action somehow?" Like maybe he's being called into missionary work or something to reach people. He said he hadn't thought about that, that he mainly feels like he has a better understanding of what's important. But that it is for a reason, he just doesn't know what that reason is yet. I told him to just pray about it whenever he can, and truly decipher where these strong feelings stem from, and why God is placing them on his heart; and whatever it is he feels called to, I will be here encouraging and supporting him all the way. He said "Thank you :) I had a feeling you would be." And then how he'll do just that, just follow that path since that's all he can do.

I had this tugging feeling in my heart though the whole time like, "What would happen if he was taken from me? To do mission work somewhere, or move somewhere else to pursue another desire?" What if I'm not in the right path for him, or in God's plan for him after-all? I thought about it for a while and felt an ache in my heart, but prayed about it a little bit too. Prayed that if that's the plan, all I can do is support Ethan and follow God's plan too and quit fighting for everything so hard. I need to quit holding onto things so tightly with me and Ethan. I don't want to feel like I'm suffocating him and make him feel like he has to stay here and not follow what he knows he needs to because it would mean devastating me or something.

I need to grow up and accept that that could be God's will.

I feel sad about it; I mean it may not even be that at all. I don't want to think too far into one way or another. I mean, it's mainly sad cause I don't really see myself with anyone else but Ethan. I think about other guys, and it just ... doesn't seem right. I know we've had our problems we've gone through, but I don't want to be with anyone else either. It's just hard to picture and imagine, and I don't think that's coming from a "well we've just been together for so long it's all I know" place. It's coming from an honest, core, gut, heart feeling. We're just compatible in so many ways and would make great partners I think in the future. Maybe it's less of not being together but just waiting until any sort of "future" is started, per say.

Idk, it'd still be great though to do something like getting married but then doing missions together or something for a while or traveling before truly "settling down". But I'm not even sure if Ethan wants that at all. We never really talk about it. Maybe I'm always thinking about things too seriously too soon. I hate being a girl sometimes, lol.

I better get to studying though... I just need to give all over to God, all of this. Whatever happens, happens. I can't expect or hope for too much, really, unless I've been given that sign or that lead. Sometimes I just wish it was all laid out so there was no mystery, haha.. but I guess that's the point of faith.

I'm not letting go of loving him though; if anything, I'm going to love him more.
See more of what is in his better interest.
Do all I can to make him smile, or laugh, or be peaceful and happy.
Protect his purity.
I'm going to give him all of me, cause that's what he deserves.


Mattie Elizabeth said...

Sometimes I feel like maybe being a missionary is something that I need to do.

But you know America is our mission field. There are tons of people here to need our help too, ya know?

Mattie Elizabeth said...

I'll pray for you, for wisdom about the future and for God's will in your life and his.

Love you Meghan!