And summer awakens.

Hey ladies!

This is probably my only good time to really get a blog in before the craziness of the start of my summer takes over me.

I'm going to my final meeting about NYC tomorrow, and then I leave on SUNDAY! Aaah! I'm nervous, excited, scared, ready, not ready, but totally stoked. I mean, it is just visiting -- but I guess the nervousness and other stuff comes from just the large city, and how much independence they're actually giving us. Like, we get to free-roam if we want after our daily activities. We'll be traveling around a lot and seeing a lot of things, learning a lot of things. I know I'm going into an extremely lost world though, a city full of worldly things. I mean, every place has that -- but NYC has so much of it, and it is all crammed into one small area, bursting up from the ground into the skies. Oklahoma is so sheltered and conservative, this may be a bit of stimulation overload. I think I'm also feeling nervous cause I'll be traveling with design students, who I know, but most of them are rather vulgar, not really... Christian-like, I guess. Sometimes it's hard to be around them, and I don't fit in. It will be a different crowd for sure.

However, I think it will be good for me -- to break away from the blinders of being sheltered here and into a world much more diverse. Just be praying for me that everything goes smoothly and that everyone remains safe! As well as having a very informational and educational trip, as well as just fun and memorable. :)

Right after that it's a more relaxing trip, Florida with my parents. I'm excited to have a vacation with them finally! We haven't gone on a nice-sized family vacation in a while. We'll probably be gone a week-ish? If not that, just short of a week. I think we have a bed and breakfast-condo-y thing right near the beach too. If so, I'm going to be living out on that sand for a good few days. I'm going to bring some books to read, and work on drawings. I'm also going to get a new Bible study to start when I'm there. I want to take this time to really re-focus I guess. School and college life, even during the summer, is so distracting. But if I get re-focused and strengthened, I can get back on track. And especially before AKON, I want to have the right mindset and my mind on God.

I'm finally moved in to my new-temp apartment, and I did a good chunk of packing/organizing/rearranging today, but will finish the rest tomorrow. Ugh, I have too much stuff. I need to go through some of it and sell it/donate it, lol. It's seriously ridiculous.

I'm sorry this blog is so long, but I do want to share another thing that kind of happened recently.

Only really Cheryl knew a lot of the details, but, Ethan and I were extremely close to breaking up over the weekend, and sort of hit an ultimate low in our relationship. Things for a month or so have felt so tense, forced, cold and distant between the two of us. I was always traveling out there if I wanted to see him, he was usually pretty distant towards me when we were together anyway. He hardly looked at me the same anymore, and wouldn't even hold my hand or touch me. O

n top of just not being open at all, and being extremely mysterious, he was just always distracted by his craftwork and cosplay stuff. I was getting so depressed and insecure about if he even felt anything for me anymore, and when we talked about it all for the first time on Thursday, he said that he was realizing dating wasn't all it was "cracked up to be". He felt like our relationship had gone stale, and even that conversation he was just sort of cold and distant. But like when I'd ask him "do you want this" he wouldn't say "no", he said he didn't want to break up, but it never felt sincere, you know? Like he was just telling me what I wanted to hear.

Sunday rolled around, and he ended up not helping me move out. He wanted to "spend the day doing nothing" really, which meant for him, just being at his house and doing his own thing. But he didn't even want to try to help me (which ended up being a stressful move out that my parents had to sacrifice their day for) sort of... tipped everything over the edge. I was devastated, and after talking to my mom about it, realized that breaking up may be an option I needed to consider. But that since Ethan didn't seem to be the one to do it (though she was sure he wanted to anyway) I had to, even if that's not what I  wanted.

When I asked to talk to Ethan on Monday, he sort of clued in to what it was about, but said it was alright that we talk. All Monday morning/afternoon I felt defeated, tired, depressed. I cried a lot, to the point where it hurt and I was exhausted. I didn't get anything done except stress and get anxious about our talk. I prayed to God that I did not want to do it, but that I knew I probably needed to. I prayed that whatever happened when we talked, that it would be what God intended. All I felt from God was that there was better to come, despite how horrible I was feeling now. I didn't know if that meant leaving Ethan, moving on, finding someone else. Or if it meant fighting through our struggles and growing closer and stronger together spiritually and within our relationship. It had to be either one way or another -- just a "break" or half-hearted trying wouldn't do. I knew I was willing to fight and try -- but I didn't know where Ethan stood. I knew though, that I had to accept whatever outcome. And on the way over there, my heart and mind had finally clicked into that mode that whatever outcome, I knew it was God's intention.

I wrote everything in a letter, showed up. My stomach was in knots, my eyes were stinging from all my crying, and my whole body ached. A huge weight was on me -- what if this wasn't the right thing? What if it would only devastate us both? I just wanted fight for it, but what if Ethan was done trying? I thought all the signs from him were pointed towards wanting to move on, but even so, everything felt so shrouded in mystery. When I saw him standing at the door, waiting for me, something felt different -- he was smiling, but not in a forced or un-genuine way. It was in a peaceful way, or almost just like he was happy to see me. It's hard to explain, but upon seeing it, it wasn't what I expected

We drove out to the ruins, and sat down, and talked. I had written everything out in a letter, but I sort of started off the conversation with what he was thinking and feeling.

He said, "Sad and confused".

"What about?"

He was sort of hesitant, but looked at me. "If it's worth continuing on how we've been doing things." From there on, we delved more into what exactly we were doing, how we were going about things. We talked about how we both had changed. He admitted and confessed to some selfish feelings, that sort of cracked my exterior and I just broke down. He came over and comforted me, putting his arm around me and remaining close, which also was something I wasn't expecting. I don't know why, but I felt like he'd only be distant the whole conversation. However, I still read him the letter and was able to make it through enough. After I read it all, he was quiet. When I made eye contact with him though, it was like... I saw the change. I saw the switch.

"I understand... everything now," he told me. In the letter, I had addressed how everything had been tearing me apart. The mystery, the confusion, my confidence, his actions and lack of trying. Why I was so short tempered or moody, etc. I elaborated on what I was frustrated with; I apologized for anything I could have done. I addressed everything, eloquently and fluidly, for writing is the only way I can do so anyway.

"I was honestly scared and depressed thinking about it, the idea of loss, the idea of loss of what we have and of you," he told me. He had thought on it all day, the idea of breaking up, and knew that that was not what he wanted. He told me then, sincerely, that he wanted to try harder. He said we both need to be more open with one another in general, in the moment, instead of letting things build up. He apologized for all he put me through, and promised that he was going to try harder. I told him that we can't keep doing this though; half-hearted trying and then just masking everything with shallow distractions. I told him if it ever gets this bad again, it has to end. Cause then it's obviously not meant to be.

After that, I felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders. We then just talked about other facets of our relationship; selfish feelings we wanted to confess that we held in our hearts, and how we've failed to be spiritually strong in our relationship, only giving in to desires and worldly things. This led to us not looking out for one another and only being selfish, as well as not feeling protected and trustworthy of the person we were with BECAUSE of that selfishness we helped generate. It's weird, but it reminds me of the parallel Aang makes in Avatar XD The two headed viper or whatever -- if you allow any sort of poison to sink into you or your relationship, it's hurting BOTH people.

So after all that we hung out for a little bit, and things just felt... good. Relieved. Better. Back to normal, back to before we ever really had major problems. Back to when we were just happy to be in one another's company. I feel like we seriously overcame an obstacle and, if he and I live up to our promises to one another, we will become even stronger as a couple. When I was leaving, he was very sweet to me, and it felt genuine. And even today, he surprised me in Edmond (even though I was technically at my parents house, though since he was surprising me, he had no way of knowing XD;; but he came by there anyway, haha). He's already talking to me more, and even through texting I can just tell a difference.

IDK it's hard to explain. Haha, I know a lot of you guys are just protective of me, and have seen how upset he's caused me before. So you probably don't want to give him the benefit of the doubt just yet, or trust him entirely yet, and that's understandable. I wanted all this out in the open though as a way of accountability as well, in case it was to ever get bad again, I want you all to know to hold me to my word instead of just letting it all happen again and letting myself further into this cycle. I can't expect things to be PERFECT between us now, and I don't want you guys to either -- Lara's boyfriend Cody had a great example, how guys should treat their girlfriends like princesses 95% of the time, cause 5% of the time they're just being stupid and everyone has their days and moments. I even have my days too. But even so, it's going to be worked through differently now that we understand each other more and have everything out in the open. I have a really good feeling about everything.

And it only reminds me of God's grace, patience and blessing. I was willing to let this go, and I knew there was better ahead, and I understood that, but obviously God blessed us and gave us grace within our relationship. Seriously, we don't deserve it. I need to remind myself how grateful I am to have such a loving God, who is there to encourage and strengthen and guide me, and most of all, love me most deeply and eternally.

The Thursday night (the first night Ethan and I talked), when things didn't get settled as well and just started feeling worse, I was driving home late at night, and was just crying feeling defeated and hopeless. Tired, confused. I was praying, "God, I don't know what to do about this anymore". And then on the radio, AIR1, there was a segment that played about dating relationships. They were featuring a song, "Ships in the Night", which about a couple that was disenchanted with one another and struggling to pass by and keep things strong. However, through constant faith, patience and loyalty, couples can over-come their struggles and grow closer to one another through the trials of fire, and grow closer to God as well. I just felt that strong feeling of God's presence and arms around me, and I just burst into tears.

As I'm writing this, in reflection of my blessing of the unexpected turn-out of everything, I remembered this story, this small moment that happened and affected me, but then was buried when turmoil was still occurring.

Now it's coming back as a reminder of sorts: "Look at what I was telling you, Meghan" I hear Him saying.

"Look at what I was telling you."

Light up, light up.

I am so stoked right now!

Legend of Korra is AMAZING so far, it's making me freak out every episode and just crave more. I can't wait to see what happens! I can't wait to learn more about the characters, meet new ones, and just watch everything grow and progress. I'm sure there tons of twists and turns as we go along, but I'm ready for them! Rock and roll, baby.

Like I've said before, I just feel so much inspiration from this show. The entire Avatar series, original and new, is definitely my favorite show, hands down, animated or un-animated. Just everything about it is stunning -- characters, story, diversity, animation, visuals, action, romance, humor... It's such a fun fan-base to be a part of, and I love finally being apart of one. I was never really into Harry Potter and all that jazz, and Twilight was sort of a phase, but Avatar has been strong since I first tore through the series a few years ago. And now that Korra is out and I can follow it episode by episode, my love for it is even more strengthened! It's just an amazing show.

And truly inspiring -- Korra has been an insanely inspiring character to me. How she's a strong, independent woman, who has faults and flaws and isn't the stereotypical female anime kinda' character. I love that her hair is in a messy ponytail; I love that she has baggy clothes and a tomboy-ish appearance. I love that her shoulders are broad and that she has strong arms, and big hips. I love her darker skin, and bolder attitude. I can't stand when I see people hating about her cause she's not "white" or "skinny" or is too "manly". BAAAAH! Nonsense.

I'm going to the fabric store today to pick up the last set of fabric for my cosplay, the pants fabric, and I'm going to get started on her soon! I'm hoping to get the pants, hip-jacket thing and shirt done before I leave for NYC -- so when I get back and in between my Florida vacation I can work on the smaller accessories. Having her done by AKON would be real treat, but if not, she will definitely be premiering at TnT. :)

I can't wait for AKON! I was driving the other day and praying about stuff that we can raise enough money to get there and have it be stress free, but then it hit me: most of all, I prayed that we can keep it in mind to be our mission-field when we're there. I want to be a light to those cosplayers and convention goers -- and Becky, what you were saying while we were at Mattie's really re-ignited that passion in me. I really feel called to witness to them too, and just be that light. It's hard to explain, but I see myself in them a lot -- different from "normal" people, unique personality, different interests. They probably feel alone a lot, or like they aren't up to the standards of society's idealization... I don't want to get wrapped up in worldly things of conventions and cosplay, but instead, utilize those that hobby and passion for God's glory by witnessing at conventions or being a light there. Even just prayer walking. It would be the ultimate dream and desire of mine, cause it's truly a lost world and mission field that many people ignore or don't even consider.

Let's remember to keep being lights wherever we go, and shine bright for His glory. :)

You decide who you are.

So I found out today we have to do some major portfolio critique in a couple of weeks. I initially thought it was just for foundations students, and students applying further into the program, but apparently it's not; even if you're just floating along as a junior/senior whatever, you have to get critiqued. Gaaaaah. Luckily it's only stuff from this past semester and this semester.

Still though. Critiques are nerve-wracking, intense, painful, lol. They are so brutally honest with you, it's hard to not direct it back to yourself personally. You really have to separate yourself from your work; but when you put so much time, hours, money, blood, sweat and tears into it, it's hard to NOT be attached to something you do. And when they say it's crap, let it die, forget about it? Ouch.

This semester I was pretty good with design; last semester, ehh, not so much. A few things, there's potential, but package design was just a killer class. I almost want to retake it to redeem myself now that I KNOW what's expected. Plan better, strive more, organize, organize.

I'm just tired; I'm ready for the semester to be done. I can't wait for this summer; warmth, traveling, friends. I'll get to see a beach, I'll get to see things I haven't seen before. And of course conventions with you guys, it'll be awesome.

Never allow someone else to measure out your worth or who you are as a person. No matter what that means: your personality, spirit, vigor, strength, appearance, whatever. Don't attest that to someone else's opinion and then doubt yourself or think they're right. Don't assume that people think so poorly of you or one way of you, they may just surprise you and hold you in higher favor than you hold yourself. However, how we hold ourselves up may reflect on others. If we're confident, strong, motivated and optimistic, people will see us as that. If we're bitter, gloomy, negative, down on ourselves, pitiful, people we'll see that. I'm not really saying this to anyone in particular, if anything, I'm saying it to myself -- I need to work on holding on to my optimism, my strength, I'm encouragement. I don't want to lose myself in the real world, in "growing up". I don't need to think I'm ugly solely because I don't have traits that "he thinks is more attractive", whatever those are.

I need to be me, and love being me, and that will shine on to everyone else.

I'll follow you into the dark.

I found this video through that creepy video you posted, Mattie, with the FF girls and their eyes all blacked out, lol. It was so creepy!

But this video... aaahhggahahah, soo beautiful. I almost cried. Squinoa forever <3

I'm feeling a little sad and down that Ethan isn't going to AKON now, but I'm not going to let him know. I'm just tired of fighting it with him. He didn't like the idea from the start, the only reason he was on the fence of even wanting to go was because of me and then it being easier and cheaper on everyone else if he went. But now he's like seeming more sure he doesn't want to go for many reasons, which just sucks and makes me sad cause it'd be nice to have him there, I love going to cons with him, but I'm not going to try to sway his opinion anymore.

I'm just tired of being let down and disappointed by him with this whole AKON business, so I'm giving in to whatever he wants to do. Whatever :(

But, it'll be fun if it's a girls trip too! I'm excited either way, I'm just bummed and annoyed the guys are never really reliable, you know? Like how hard is it to just be like "YES" or "NO" from the start, instead of being evasive and confusing. Idk, I guess we'll learn from this. Anytime we want to do AKON in the future, we shouldn't even approach the guys about it. And Andrew will still be there with Tripoint if we ever feel spooked or nervous or anything. We'll just take extra precaution and we'll be fine. We'll work it out.

I have Digital Illustration this weekend again, and I'm stoked. I'm learning so much in that class, painting digitally is so fun! I also have some cosplay stuff to work on. I'm just so stoked I don't have too much homework left for the semester; almost through it, almost surviving, and then summer will be amazing.

I wish I had more strength.

Sooo the past couple of days have been .. well.
I'm starting to see who my real friends are
and this has NOTHIIINGGG to do with y'all, haha. YOU guys are my real friends <3 this is about someone else... a whole 'nother situation.

Basically, I asked my friend Jasmine -- who I work with, who i'm consistently with during design, who I'm trying to be a good friend to, encourage, give advice, joke around with, etc...-- a week in advance if she could cover my shift on Sunday so I could go to the Medieval fair. She was like "Sure, I can do it" and I expressed gratitude and thanks and she said "No prob". She even wrote it on the schedule.

Calls me up Thursday morning -- after a rigorous past couple of days with an all-nighter, stressful tests and projects -- and tells me she can't cover me cause she has "too much due and needs that WHOLE day". I had to get off the phone quickly because I felt sooo, so angry. Let's just say I had to pray and ask for forgiveness afterwards, whew I sort of lost it. I was just tired already, stressed already, and the one day I was looking forward to I just got stressed out by all over again having to work all day now. On a Sunday. Missing the fair, and missing you guys.

I mean, who DOES that? Says they can help you out, and then bail out. It just blew my mind -- I would never do that. Never. Even if I had "a lot due" I would just suck it up and work around it. I wouldn't go back on my word -- especially if it really helped out someone else or made someone else happy. I wouldn't go back on my word solely for the fact of disappointing and hurting the person... but, this just goes to show me some people only have their self interest in mind.

We were both taking a weekend course this weekend, Digital Illustration. There was no way we could work Friday or Saturday since it was smack in the middle of the day so we both had those days off. However, I found out that she dropped the course -- so she has Friday and Saturday and Sunday entirely off now. While I have the weekend course AND work all day Sunday now, and I have the same amount of crap due next week, and I'm still finding time to do it.

Fishy? I think so. I think she was just like "Screw Meghan" and bailed on me.

It just really hurts and really sucks. I'm so naive. I get walked on all the time by people. I'm tired of being told "Nyeheh, you're so naive Meghan you'd get kidnapped in an instant". BULL CRAP. Jasmine always joked with me herself that if we were being attacked she'd trip me and run. She always says how she's all about looking out for herself first, well, now she proved it. I believe her 110%, and now trust her 0%. Sure I'm upset about missing the fair -- but that will pass. It's the principle of her selfish decision and the fact she cares jack squat about my stress or my situation that really, really bothers me. It's one thing if it was an emergency keeping her -- but how she presented it was just some crappy, vague excuse.

UGGGGH.

I'm channeling my inner Korra recently. I want to be really good at this character, but beyond cosplay, I'm inspired by her. Her strength, stubbornness, strong-will, the fire in her eyes. I want to quit being walked on. I want to be strong, reliable, self-sufficient. I want to be able to defend myself if needed; I want to quit trusting so easily that I get walked on. I want to hold tight to those I love, those I trust, those I know care about me, those I care about as well. I want to love others and help others, but avoid being hurt by those that fool me. I want to be wise in my decisions of who to trust and who to just be an acquaintance with. I have this odd philosophy in my mind that I should just trust and give out my heart equally to everyone. Be open, accommodating, nice, friendly, bubbly, whatever, to everyone. Which is fine, I guess -- but I end up thinking they care equally about me, and they usually don't ('cept for y'all <3) It's just a sad truth I'm realizing.

I'm going to be strong. Kick butt, take names, leave it at that.

I wish super-heros were real -- I'd totally want to be one. Especially one like the Avatar.

A blog about a blog.

So our new project for my computer graphics class: creating a blog. Shhwwaaatttt.

It has to be a professional blog that hosts design or illustration work, or just process work, inspiration, etc... anything that you'd want to show clients or future employers as another sort of portfolio thing, or share with other designers for inspiration. I"m pretty stoked about it! I think it'll be a great experience. And another way to document my work. When I get that blog up and running, I'll have to send you guys a link :)

So the weather is stupidly beautiful outside. And my return to school has been, ehhh okay. My Inktank class has a lot of deadlines due, but our teacher was sick so she left as soon as she could today. So the stuff I was rushing to get done last night and had to leave the party early for? YEAH, not even important enough to her to stick around for really, lol. Ohhh well, that's life I guess. I just want to survive Inktank and do well.

I'm working on CD/booklet art for this band that came in to Inktank. My concept is themed around one of their lyrics, talking about how we're all just subject to being turned into fools in a consumerist society. My idea is kinda' hard to explain, but once I get it further along I'll try to post pics or something :) Ethan's actually going to be the model, haha. But his face won't be showing, so he doesn't have to worry about emoting or anything. Cause I'm sure he'd feel awkward trying to act upon extreme emotion in front of a camera, bahaha. I'm excited for it though.

I also may be doing another album artwork/booklet for Chase Schwartz's band, Hanging Haley. I kind of want to do an entire re-branding of their band because their logo isn't so great - but that's not up to me, haha. He hasn't gotten back to me on it though so I hope my more professional graphic designer ness didn't scare him off. I'm trying not to get taken advantage of by friends or acquaintances with design work, so I'm charging him and going about it in a contract way. our teachers tell us to start doing that early so we can get used to working with clients like that, and not get screwed over just because they're friends or whatever. Cause that totally happens if you're not careful D:

Also looking for photography jobs... so if you think of anything or hear of anything, lemme' know! I'm desperate, haha. I'd like to get some extra cash saved up through design and photography since work isn't scheduling me much. Though spring break should be a nice check since I worked so much. We'll see!

I can't wait for the Medieval Fair this weekend, and so stoked I can go now! I need to throw together an outfit. :D I also can't wait to work more on cosplay.. I'm wanting to get some of my finished already so I won't stress about them later. We'll see how this goes, haha.

Love you guys! And stay creative! ;D

Beautiful results.

I'm going to fight for this.

Looking my best and feeling great about myself, I mean.

I think it will help with a lot of other problems too. Like self-esteem and confidence issues. Like for a example, maybe I won't be so clingy or worried about being "pretty enough" for Ethan or something. I don't feel like he pushes that on me or anything, but it's my own self-editing and self-critique that causes me to feel like that's all he cares about or that's what matters in general. I also end up just not ever being happy with myself and then pushing myself more into relying on food for comfort or being sedentary and not active enough. When I allow myself to be negative and hateful towards my body or appearance, it makes this worse.

Instead, I need to go through with optimism, confidence and assurance that when I work hard, I will get results I want.

I ALSO want to get fit and look good for cosplay too, haha.. I want to be an amazing Yuffie/Rinoa/Korra/whatever else I'm aiming for in the future.

I've started my transformation by writing some encouraging words on my mirror in my bedroom, that I'll see everyday when I'm looking at myself in the mirror. I want to start off the day encouraged and positive -- that will make a lot of difference.

Secondly, I'm going to work on trimming down the soda and fast food intake, as well as working out more. I'm aiming for more water intake than soda intake a day, and working out a little everyday. Whether that's the gym, or just working out in my room.

I'm going to weigh in every two weeks to see how my progress is going -- when I start seeing progress, it motivates me to do better and work harder.

Starting work on cosplay will also motivate me more and keep my mind focused on my goal.

Overall though, I'm gonna' be praying more that God blesses me with the right mindset to tackle all of this. That it shouldn't always be about worldly beauty, but spiritual health and spiritual beauty. If I feel better about myself and the temple He gave me, I can further glorify Him and be a light to others. If I'm drowning in negativity and low confidence, how will I get anywhere with His word? I'd only be focusing on myself.

And now... some motivating pictures, as well as some of my favorite cosplay pics to keep me motivated and inspired!

And thanks for always being an inspiration to me, guys :) Encouraging, motivating and pushing me. As well as never letting me stay too down in the dumps too long. I don't know what I'd do without you! <3

This Rinoa is seriously my favorite I've seen so far; uhhhh she's so beautiful, and the cosplay turned out so flawlessly. I'm intimidated, haha, but she's a very sweet cosplayer (she cosplayed Kairi and gave me a direct comment on Cosplay.com complimenting my Kairi @.@ -flushed!-), and is very inspiring. :)



More of her pictures. Her boyfriend is my FAVORITE Squall too x.x And they have such adorable chemistry, aaah. Perfection. <3 (BTW: They were at AKON last year. As Rinoa and Squall, AND I MISSED THEM A;LKDJF;DF! Dx)







This Yuffie is my favorite Advent Children style one I've found. She's so spot on and her attention to detail is fantastic! I'm basing most of my cosplay off of her rendition :)