Light up, light up.

I am so stoked right now!

Legend of Korra is AMAZING so far, it's making me freak out every episode and just crave more. I can't wait to see what happens! I can't wait to learn more about the characters, meet new ones, and just watch everything grow and progress. I'm sure there tons of twists and turns as we go along, but I'm ready for them! Rock and roll, baby.

Like I've said before, I just feel so much inspiration from this show. The entire Avatar series, original and new, is definitely my favorite show, hands down, animated or un-animated. Just everything about it is stunning -- characters, story, diversity, animation, visuals, action, romance, humor... It's such a fun fan-base to be a part of, and I love finally being apart of one. I was never really into Harry Potter and all that jazz, and Twilight was sort of a phase, but Avatar has been strong since I first tore through the series a few years ago. And now that Korra is out and I can follow it episode by episode, my love for it is even more strengthened! It's just an amazing show.

And truly inspiring -- Korra has been an insanely inspiring character to me. How she's a strong, independent woman, who has faults and flaws and isn't the stereotypical female anime kinda' character. I love that her hair is in a messy ponytail; I love that she has baggy clothes and a tomboy-ish appearance. I love that her shoulders are broad and that she has strong arms, and big hips. I love her darker skin, and bolder attitude. I can't stand when I see people hating about her cause she's not "white" or "skinny" or is too "manly". BAAAAH! Nonsense.

I'm going to the fabric store today to pick up the last set of fabric for my cosplay, the pants fabric, and I'm going to get started on her soon! I'm hoping to get the pants, hip-jacket thing and shirt done before I leave for NYC -- so when I get back and in between my Florida vacation I can work on the smaller accessories. Having her done by AKON would be real treat, but if not, she will definitely be premiering at TnT. :)

I can't wait for AKON! I was driving the other day and praying about stuff that we can raise enough money to get there and have it be stress free, but then it hit me: most of all, I prayed that we can keep it in mind to be our mission-field when we're there. I want to be a light to those cosplayers and convention goers -- and Becky, what you were saying while we were at Mattie's really re-ignited that passion in me. I really feel called to witness to them too, and just be that light. It's hard to explain, but I see myself in them a lot -- different from "normal" people, unique personality, different interests. They probably feel alone a lot, or like they aren't up to the standards of society's idealization... I don't want to get wrapped up in worldly things of conventions and cosplay, but instead, utilize those that hobby and passion for God's glory by witnessing at conventions or being a light there. Even just prayer walking. It would be the ultimate dream and desire of mine, cause it's truly a lost world and mission field that many people ignore or don't even consider.

Let's remember to keep being lights wherever we go, and shine bright for His glory. :)

You decide who you are.

So I found out today we have to do some major portfolio critique in a couple of weeks. I initially thought it was just for foundations students, and students applying further into the program, but apparently it's not; even if you're just floating along as a junior/senior whatever, you have to get critiqued. Gaaaaah. Luckily it's only stuff from this past semester and this semester.

Still though. Critiques are nerve-wracking, intense, painful, lol. They are so brutally honest with you, it's hard to not direct it back to yourself personally. You really have to separate yourself from your work; but when you put so much time, hours, money, blood, sweat and tears into it, it's hard to NOT be attached to something you do. And when they say it's crap, let it die, forget about it? Ouch.

This semester I was pretty good with design; last semester, ehh, not so much. A few things, there's potential, but package design was just a killer class. I almost want to retake it to redeem myself now that I KNOW what's expected. Plan better, strive more, organize, organize.

I'm just tired; I'm ready for the semester to be done. I can't wait for this summer; warmth, traveling, friends. I'll get to see a beach, I'll get to see things I haven't seen before. And of course conventions with you guys, it'll be awesome.

Never allow someone else to measure out your worth or who you are as a person. No matter what that means: your personality, spirit, vigor, strength, appearance, whatever. Don't attest that to someone else's opinion and then doubt yourself or think they're right. Don't assume that people think so poorly of you or one way of you, they may just surprise you and hold you in higher favor than you hold yourself. However, how we hold ourselves up may reflect on others. If we're confident, strong, motivated and optimistic, people will see us as that. If we're bitter, gloomy, negative, down on ourselves, pitiful, people we'll see that. I'm not really saying this to anyone in particular, if anything, I'm saying it to myself -- I need to work on holding on to my optimism, my strength, I'm encouragement. I don't want to lose myself in the real world, in "growing up". I don't need to think I'm ugly solely because I don't have traits that "he thinks is more attractive", whatever those are.

I need to be me, and love being me, and that will shine on to everyone else.

I'll follow you into the dark.

I found this video through that creepy video you posted, Mattie, with the FF girls and their eyes all blacked out, lol. It was so creepy!

But this video... aaahhggahahah, soo beautiful. I almost cried. Squinoa forever <3

I'm feeling a little sad and down that Ethan isn't going to AKON now, but I'm not going to let him know. I'm just tired of fighting it with him. He didn't like the idea from the start, the only reason he was on the fence of even wanting to go was because of me and then it being easier and cheaper on everyone else if he went. But now he's like seeming more sure he doesn't want to go for many reasons, which just sucks and makes me sad cause it'd be nice to have him there, I love going to cons with him, but I'm not going to try to sway his opinion anymore.

I'm just tired of being let down and disappointed by him with this whole AKON business, so I'm giving in to whatever he wants to do. Whatever :(

But, it'll be fun if it's a girls trip too! I'm excited either way, I'm just bummed and annoyed the guys are never really reliable, you know? Like how hard is it to just be like "YES" or "NO" from the start, instead of being evasive and confusing. Idk, I guess we'll learn from this. Anytime we want to do AKON in the future, we shouldn't even approach the guys about it. And Andrew will still be there with Tripoint if we ever feel spooked or nervous or anything. We'll just take extra precaution and we'll be fine. We'll work it out.

I have Digital Illustration this weekend again, and I'm stoked. I'm learning so much in that class, painting digitally is so fun! I also have some cosplay stuff to work on. I'm just so stoked I don't have too much homework left for the semester; almost through it, almost surviving, and then summer will be amazing.

I wish I had more strength.

Sooo the past couple of days have been .. well.
I'm starting to see who my real friends are
and this has NOTHIIINGGG to do with y'all, haha. YOU guys are my real friends <3 this is about someone else... a whole 'nother situation.

Basically, I asked my friend Jasmine -- who I work with, who i'm consistently with during design, who I'm trying to be a good friend to, encourage, give advice, joke around with, etc...-- a week in advance if she could cover my shift on Sunday so I could go to the Medieval fair. She was like "Sure, I can do it" and I expressed gratitude and thanks and she said "No prob". She even wrote it on the schedule.

Calls me up Thursday morning -- after a rigorous past couple of days with an all-nighter, stressful tests and projects -- and tells me she can't cover me cause she has "too much due and needs that WHOLE day". I had to get off the phone quickly because I felt sooo, so angry. Let's just say I had to pray and ask for forgiveness afterwards, whew I sort of lost it. I was just tired already, stressed already, and the one day I was looking forward to I just got stressed out by all over again having to work all day now. On a Sunday. Missing the fair, and missing you guys.

I mean, who DOES that? Says they can help you out, and then bail out. It just blew my mind -- I would never do that. Never. Even if I had "a lot due" I would just suck it up and work around it. I wouldn't go back on my word -- especially if it really helped out someone else or made someone else happy. I wouldn't go back on my word solely for the fact of disappointing and hurting the person... but, this just goes to show me some people only have their self interest in mind.

We were both taking a weekend course this weekend, Digital Illustration. There was no way we could work Friday or Saturday since it was smack in the middle of the day so we both had those days off. However, I found out that she dropped the course -- so she has Friday and Saturday and Sunday entirely off now. While I have the weekend course AND work all day Sunday now, and I have the same amount of crap due next week, and I'm still finding time to do it.

Fishy? I think so. I think she was just like "Screw Meghan" and bailed on me.

It just really hurts and really sucks. I'm so naive. I get walked on all the time by people. I'm tired of being told "Nyeheh, you're so naive Meghan you'd get kidnapped in an instant". BULL CRAP. Jasmine always joked with me herself that if we were being attacked she'd trip me and run. She always says how she's all about looking out for herself first, well, now she proved it. I believe her 110%, and now trust her 0%. Sure I'm upset about missing the fair -- but that will pass. It's the principle of her selfish decision and the fact she cares jack squat about my stress or my situation that really, really bothers me. It's one thing if it was an emergency keeping her -- but how she presented it was just some crappy, vague excuse.

UGGGGH.

I'm channeling my inner Korra recently. I want to be really good at this character, but beyond cosplay, I'm inspired by her. Her strength, stubbornness, strong-will, the fire in her eyes. I want to quit being walked on. I want to be strong, reliable, self-sufficient. I want to be able to defend myself if needed; I want to quit trusting so easily that I get walked on. I want to hold tight to those I love, those I trust, those I know care about me, those I care about as well. I want to love others and help others, but avoid being hurt by those that fool me. I want to be wise in my decisions of who to trust and who to just be an acquaintance with. I have this odd philosophy in my mind that I should just trust and give out my heart equally to everyone. Be open, accommodating, nice, friendly, bubbly, whatever, to everyone. Which is fine, I guess -- but I end up thinking they care equally about me, and they usually don't ('cept for y'all <3) It's just a sad truth I'm realizing.

I'm going to be strong. Kick butt, take names, leave it at that.

I wish super-heros were real -- I'd totally want to be one. Especially one like the Avatar.

A blog about a blog.

So our new project for my computer graphics class: creating a blog. Shhwwaaatttt.

It has to be a professional blog that hosts design or illustration work, or just process work, inspiration, etc... anything that you'd want to show clients or future employers as another sort of portfolio thing, or share with other designers for inspiration. I"m pretty stoked about it! I think it'll be a great experience. And another way to document my work. When I get that blog up and running, I'll have to send you guys a link :)

So the weather is stupidly beautiful outside. And my return to school has been, ehhh okay. My Inktank class has a lot of deadlines due, but our teacher was sick so she left as soon as she could today. So the stuff I was rushing to get done last night and had to leave the party early for? YEAH, not even important enough to her to stick around for really, lol. Ohhh well, that's life I guess. I just want to survive Inktank and do well.

I'm working on CD/booklet art for this band that came in to Inktank. My concept is themed around one of their lyrics, talking about how we're all just subject to being turned into fools in a consumerist society. My idea is kinda' hard to explain, but once I get it further along I'll try to post pics or something :) Ethan's actually going to be the model, haha. But his face won't be showing, so he doesn't have to worry about emoting or anything. Cause I'm sure he'd feel awkward trying to act upon extreme emotion in front of a camera, bahaha. I'm excited for it though.

I also may be doing another album artwork/booklet for Chase Schwartz's band, Hanging Haley. I kind of want to do an entire re-branding of their band because their logo isn't so great - but that's not up to me, haha. He hasn't gotten back to me on it though so I hope my more professional graphic designer ness didn't scare him off. I'm trying not to get taken advantage of by friends or acquaintances with design work, so I'm charging him and going about it in a contract way. our teachers tell us to start doing that early so we can get used to working with clients like that, and not get screwed over just because they're friends or whatever. Cause that totally happens if you're not careful D:

Also looking for photography jobs... so if you think of anything or hear of anything, lemme' know! I'm desperate, haha. I'd like to get some extra cash saved up through design and photography since work isn't scheduling me much. Though spring break should be a nice check since I worked so much. We'll see!

I can't wait for the Medieval Fair this weekend, and so stoked I can go now! I need to throw together an outfit. :D I also can't wait to work more on cosplay.. I'm wanting to get some of my finished already so I won't stress about them later. We'll see how this goes, haha.

Love you guys! And stay creative! ;D

Beautiful results.

I'm going to fight for this.

Looking my best and feeling great about myself, I mean.

I think it will help with a lot of other problems too. Like self-esteem and confidence issues. Like for a example, maybe I won't be so clingy or worried about being "pretty enough" for Ethan or something. I don't feel like he pushes that on me or anything, but it's my own self-editing and self-critique that causes me to feel like that's all he cares about or that's what matters in general. I also end up just not ever being happy with myself and then pushing myself more into relying on food for comfort or being sedentary and not active enough. When I allow myself to be negative and hateful towards my body or appearance, it makes this worse.

Instead, I need to go through with optimism, confidence and assurance that when I work hard, I will get results I want.

I ALSO want to get fit and look good for cosplay too, haha.. I want to be an amazing Yuffie/Rinoa/Korra/whatever else I'm aiming for in the future.

I've started my transformation by writing some encouraging words on my mirror in my bedroom, that I'll see everyday when I'm looking at myself in the mirror. I want to start off the day encouraged and positive -- that will make a lot of difference.

Secondly, I'm going to work on trimming down the soda and fast food intake, as well as working out more. I'm aiming for more water intake than soda intake a day, and working out a little everyday. Whether that's the gym, or just working out in my room.

I'm going to weigh in every two weeks to see how my progress is going -- when I start seeing progress, it motivates me to do better and work harder.

Starting work on cosplay will also motivate me more and keep my mind focused on my goal.

Overall though, I'm gonna' be praying more that God blesses me with the right mindset to tackle all of this. That it shouldn't always be about worldly beauty, but spiritual health and spiritual beauty. If I feel better about myself and the temple He gave me, I can further glorify Him and be a light to others. If I'm drowning in negativity and low confidence, how will I get anywhere with His word? I'd only be focusing on myself.

And now... some motivating pictures, as well as some of my favorite cosplay pics to keep me motivated and inspired!

And thanks for always being an inspiration to me, guys :) Encouraging, motivating and pushing me. As well as never letting me stay too down in the dumps too long. I don't know what I'd do without you! <3

This Rinoa is seriously my favorite I've seen so far; uhhhh she's so beautiful, and the cosplay turned out so flawlessly. I'm intimidated, haha, but she's a very sweet cosplayer (she cosplayed Kairi and gave me a direct comment on Cosplay.com complimenting my Kairi @.@ -flushed!-), and is very inspiring. :)



More of her pictures. Her boyfriend is my FAVORITE Squall too x.x And they have such adorable chemistry, aaah. Perfection. <3 (BTW: They were at AKON last year. As Rinoa and Squall, AND I MISSED THEM A;LKDJF;DF! Dx)







This Yuffie is my favorite Advent Children style one I've found. She's so spot on and her attention to detail is fantastic! I'm basing most of my cosplay off of her rendition :)

Athazagoraphobia.

I just wanna' crawl into bed and sleep today away... it was just a rough day.

I woke up late, and was already late for work then get outside and my car battery is dead. I have extreme guilt if I show up late, especially since this is the second time it's happened to make me late for work, so then I feel even worse like, they probably think I'm making up excuses or something. I had to wait forever for the cop and was 30 minutes late. I broke down in the car, ugggh, just cause I feel like such idiot sometimes. I'm so forgetful, I'm clumsy, I'm always distracted. That's what causes stuff like this to happen. I lose things constantly too, ugh, everything. I just get so frustrated and want to give up on myself sometimes. Like seriously. I should get it together.

I was just a mess walking in. Luckily everyone was receptive of that and didn't tease me about being late like they normally would, and my boss was cool with it... that's what's nice about working with guys, they won't try to get in your business, or they'll leave you alone if you're crying. Or feel really bad for you and be sweet and nice for once. I sort of buried myself in Sable's hug and that helped me feel better.

It doesn't help that Sunday's suck at work since we're so busy and get all the cruddy-attitude customers or needy customers that won't leave you alone. And it also doesn't help that Ethan and I left off Saturday night with tension and anxiety and he was ignoring me all day today. Not talking to me, not texting, nothing..

I hate that. I hate feeling ignored, left out, distanced. I can't help it.

Ever since what happened in high school with Casey and Taelor and others, and then with JP, it makes me feel like everyone is going to abandon me if they ignore me or stop talking to me for a while or just suddenly. Just walk out, stop talking to me one day, drop me like a doll they're no longer interested in, then kick me around a little bit. It's an irrational fear I'm sure, but it seems to be in me and I can't get over it too easily.

I would write more but it's probably just over emotional, tired thinking so I'm going to end it here.